Wednesday, March 16, 2011

HCwDB of the Month: The Smarm Candy and Patty

It was a solid victory for classic HCwDB mugging, as the Smarm Candy’s stupid faux and fondle of the tasty sweet Patty proved too strong a dialectic for the others to overcome.

The voters speak:

Deltus: Gotta go with my gut on this one. And the coupling that makes me the sickest is Smarm Candy and Patty. He is greasy stupid overconfident assmunch smackface choad. She is sweet and hott sauce lovely smile banging bodied slurp gnaw. No other entry makes me want to club baby harp seals to death with the willed-into-corporeality that is my disgust at their pairing.

Greg: He’s the douchiest looking backpack I’ve ever seen and she’s like sunshine on a sunshiney day.

Douchey Lewis and the News: Smarm Candy and Patty FTW. He’s objectionable to all the senses.

Mr. Biggs: The mugging, the sneer, the metaphysical grease, the innocent bouncy giggle smile. It’s all there, in a composition Picasso would envy.

DoucheyWallnuts: Patty’s delectably delicious and suckleable inner thigh is just a boner bonus.

Scooby Douche: Sexy little tight dress, nice legs, she is what we fight to preserve. To hell with the environment, why is there no federal Patty Protection Agency issuing injunctions to keep Smarm’s greasy hands off her?

MoeDouche: Smarm Candy and Patty. She is succulent barely-legal hottie and he is a douche of gargantuan proportions.

Eliza Douchecoo: Going with the Smarmer here, he is most definitely the most punch to the face worthy out of all these guys. Although the legs in the greasepitz are calling to me, I must say no and vote with my fist and the Smarmster is worthy of meeting it.

Troy Tempest: smarm candy and patty ftw. Why? Because he is so douchie that when he walks down the sidewalk earthworms erupt from the neighbouring lawns begging birds to feast on them, for they know the douchepocalypse is nigh.

tall guy: he win must go to the infiltrating near miss of Smarm Candy and Patty. His watch alone gets him over the line. Add the sunnies indoors and the everpresent Billy Idol sneer and we’re home’n’hosed (hosed with bleach that is).
Smarm Candy & Patty FTW.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: She smells like lavender-scented kitten burps. He reminds you of that time when you puked up what was left of that expired carton of milk that you used to wash down that Wendy’s chili that had been in the fridge for over a week but hey you were starving into the dumpster behind the abortion clinic.

Wheezer: Patty’s curves are so sleek, and her positioning speaks volumes. She’s holding tightly to her purse, knowing hipsterbag wannabe Smarm Candy wants to know “How much cash you got?” She caught him peeking in there last night.

Mr. Scrotato Head: When Smarm Candy gets home he flops on the couch, fires up the X-box, and tells his buds how he f*cked the shit out of girlfriend. Nobody wins, but Smarm gets the nod and a shovel to the face.

The Minister Scott Stapp: Patty. For she is as pure as the driven snow on a crisp winter solstice day with 3 year olds making snow angels in it while sipping on minty candies and giggling. He is the black turd that shows up when it melts. And matronly arms. Son.

Well said Minister. Sadly even Champagne Katie’s tasty delusional lawsuit gnaw couldn’t carry the mediocre douchery of Billy Dee Villhelm to victory, as they come in second, with The Greasepitz and Toxic Terry and Angelica rounding out the voting:

soy bomb: Billy Dee Willhelm and Champagne Katie For the Win. Billy Dee has several adouchements going for him, but certainly what will push him over the ledge, screaming, is his bizzaro see-through silky shirt. Seriously, look at that thing. As for Champagne Katie, her poorly written litigious threat may have lost her some votes, but came off as charming and endearing in mine eye(s). I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not paying her to think. Or speak. Or write or anything like that. Just to knock boots.

The Dude: Greasepitz. Does that oil bead up when they get sweaty Urp, I just threw up on my screen a little.

Dex: Angelica. I don’t know which I want to be more. The breeze that whips past your legs to lift your dress and give the world the briefest glimpse of the un-bleethed promised land beneath, or your hair, cascading down your supple bosom like an amber waterfall of EverythingIWantInLife.

dbBen: Toxic Terry and Angelica. For she makes me think of Kelly Brook, which warms the very cockles of my heart. He makes me think of the floor of a bad Las Vegas tattoo parlor, which makes me want to do a tough actin tinactin dance (John Madden sounds friendly).

Magnum Douche P.I: Champagne Katie, even with her intellectual shortcomings, is the hottest of hot. The wallet chain and waxed chest accent by red bead necklace sealed it for me. The clubbaggery of Billy Dee Willhelm for the win (loss).

smackdouche: As proof that I am not homophobic, my vote goes to the greasepitz.

banana hammock: Toxic Terry & sweet Angelica FTW! He is just so sad Douchy, and she is so magically delicious.

Chris in ‘Baghdad: my decision goes to Champagne Katie (from the sounds of her I’d say the champagne you buy at Wal-Mart) and Billy Dee Willhelm. The oily appeal of Billy Dee, coupled with the semi-literate, prosecutorial minded Katie, brings all the shock and awe, one assumes, of one of Stackhouse’s who-bag jump-offs.

Blair: My God, the paradox of the hottie/douche is nowhere more apparent than with Angelica and Toxic Terry. I rage against the dawning Douchepocalypse that would allow that picture to happen.

All well argued, but lets turn it over to BustADouche for the final word:

Patty. Definitely smokin’ hott but there is an underlying wholesomeness there that takes the cake. Her douchebag has more than the minimum number of douche requirements to take the top prize. Here’s hoping to more pics of Patty in the future.

And the always esoteric Motorcycle Accessories has one more salient point to add:

No other entry makes me need to club child harp seals to death with the willed-into-corporeality that is my disgust at their pairing.

That comment was so good, M.A. I want to purchase the products in your linked name. For my motorcycle.

As to Patty, mmm, she is tasty indeed. And Smarm is classic pud. So chalk up The Smarm Candy and Patty for the Yearly, although Vegas odds aren’t giving him much of a shot there. Can his toxicity build over time? Will Patty ever make up with her besties, Charley and Boo? Inquiring minds want to know.

# posted by douchebag1
9:14 am March, 16 Wedgie said...

Champagne Katie has the consolation prize, though:
They are using her pic in the dictionary next to “Twatwaffle”.

9:35 am March, 16 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

The vote didn’t go my way, but I can’t complain. Smarm is truly a puddle of anal leakage. Plz. consider Katie for HOH, DB1.

9:45 am March, 16 Vin Douchal said...

I don’t know about tight little Katie in the HoH, but she can start a wing noted as “Hall Of Whiners “

10:02 am March, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Vin, I second the Hall of Whiners idea. Or a Whiner’s Circle.
.
@McCrude, Katie gets in the HOH when you learn to put pictures in your comments. So thats probably gonna go down around a half past never.

10:21 am March, 16 Luis Douchuel said...

Motorcycle Parts FTW!

10:30 am March, 16 Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang said...

@Nancy, dropped me with your “love” to McCrude. I’d call you a dick, but I laughed pretty loudly, which really makes me the dick. Ah, oh well. Nothing new there. Cheers Nancy! (And McCrude, I gots nothing but love for you. In a spiritual way, that is.)

10:30 am March, 16 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Nancy,
I swear to the invisible sky pixie that I have used the exact img src= code that is supposed to work! I appreciate that I’m too dumb to live, but you should pity the [fabulously good looking albeit] less fortunate.

10:40 am March, 16 fatness said...

@DMcC…embedded images won’t work unless you are one of the anointed ones. The rest of us mere mockers have to settle for using boring links.

10:56 am March, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Taint, what up playa? I’m still thinkin’ on those counterdouche hand signals, “The Nutcrusher” is just the beginning.
.
@McCrude, I believe Fatness has revealed the secret I suspected all along, for I am a world class detective. You must be in with the HCwDB elite, i.e. DarkSock et al. Makes sense, you don’t want just any ol’ yahoo, i.e. me, RevChad, CBS, Fenton Hardon posting pics willy nilly without the proper regulations in place, i.e. DB1 has received oral or manual stimulation from members of the elite therefore he trusts them explicity

10:59 am March, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

Crap, posted to quick. I get a little antsy in the pantsy when I’m on the verge of cracking a case wide open.
.
In conclusion Mr. McCrudeshoes, either start the fellating process er. application process to be one of the elite, or sit back and enjoy the show.

11:06 am March, 16 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Frack me sideways with a traffic cone. DCwDB is a Netocratic Oligarchy!
.
Would have been hilarious to encourage me to keep trying. Thanks for not doing that! I couldn’t have resisted if our places were reversed.

11:10 am March, 16 fatness said...

See, now you two can get to the groping and fondling, and the rest of us can watch.
.
wait…did I post that out loud?

11:45 am March, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Fatness 11:10a, Fucking A-men!

12:42 pm March, 16 Vin Douchal said...

@ Fatness
.
As an annointed one , I feel your pain.
.

.
Now go make me a grilled cheese sandwich

1:53 pm March, 16 Deltus said...

Um, hey, did Motorcycle Accessories steal my fucking line much?!?!?! Write your own shit, fucktard!

1:54 pm March, 16 Deltus said...

Seriously, Boss? Can’t stop the plagerism, I understand, but you gotta quote the rehash?

2:00 pm March, 16 Deltus said...

Okay, I re-read, and Motorcycle Accessories seems like a SPAMmer. Still, don’t give someone else the credit for a good line like that. I’ll go calm down by spanking it to Patty’s lovely visage.

2:10 pm March, 16 Jimmy said...

Looks like a Jappy bitch to me.

6:59 pm March, 16 Earth said...

Wow, really Deltus? Consider yourself lucky if the only thing you have to worry about is a Spambot stealing your zingers. People like you are why I drink. That’s right Earth likes to get crunk. Who are you to judge me? I’m mutha fuckin’ Earth.

12:25 am March, 17 Motorcycle Accessories said...

I appreciate that I âm dumb to live, but you ought to pity the [fabulously nice looking albeit] less lucky.

7:53 am March, 17 Deltus said...

Apologies, Your Planetness. How much booze does it take for a planet Your size to get crunk, anyway?

4:12 pm March, 17 Earth said...

@Deltus 7:53a, Apology accepted. And I’d say fill up my Marianas Trench with eleventy billion Long Island Iced Teas and I’ll have a right proper buzz going. Use a Snookie for garnish.

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