Thursday, March 31, 2011

Marty The Douchey Picture Frame Guy


If you ever wondered what the picture would look like that comes with a picture-frame bought in a really douchey-ass picture frame store, now you know.

Larry from Three’s Company wants his patented chest hair reveal back.

Tasty young Consuela has nowhere to run from this gringo onslaught. Next thing she knows, they’re sharing a Snuggie.

EDIT: Turns out Marty the Douchey Picture Frame Guy has a second job as one of the morning D.J.s on Washington D.C.’s Sports Junkies radio show. In case the douchey picture frame modeling business dries up.

# posted by douchebag1
3:51 pm March, 31 Wedgie said...

Nice ass pear….even in jeans. Too bad about that problem with your taste in men.
On a more positive note, it’s nice to see that our immigration policy is working. No pear left behind, so to speak.

4:02 pm March, 31 Other said...

Not to be nitpicky, but it should be COnsuela, not Conseulo….unless you’re implying that its 2 dudes kissing. Yuck.

4:11 pm March, 31 MockStar said...

Snuggies are sooo lame. That’s why I have a Slanket.
.
Douchebag’s shirt has a lobster on it. And his underwear has crabs.
.
Hey Professor Wedgie, how do you know this isn’t taken in Mexico?

4:23 pm March, 31 DarkSock said...

I would bugger her Snuggie®.

4:25 pm March, 31 DarkSock said...

And why is it that we can put a Man on the Moon (or dupe the world into thinking we did, which is even MORE impressive) but we can’t put three wolves howling at a huge moon on a fuccen Snuggie®?

4:29 pm March, 31 douchebag1 said...

@Other, thanks, that’s what I get for sleeping through Spanish class.

4:45 pm March, 31 Wedgie said...

@MockStar
Because then his name would be pronounced “Marteen”.
You’re welcome.

4:49 pm March, 31 Rick said...

listen to the sports junkies! 1067 the fan dc

4:53 pm March, 31 P1 said...

And we were lucky enough to listen to this idiot’s mid-life crisis as it unfolded.

106.7 the Fan DC

The other 3 guys are really great. Give it a listen.

4:53 pm March, 31 soy bomb said...

Story goes that the Slanket® actually predates the Snuggie®, but they obviously failed marketing 101 and shit.

4:54 pm March, 31 SandwichesRule said...

Bahahahhahahahhah. Too funny. JPJPJP. I can’t wait until we see a pic of her hold him over her head. That’s the money shot!!

4:54 pm March, 31 Vinny Scumbaglia said...

I haven’t been on the site in a while, but I come back to this… this… this rhapsody of douche minimalism. The hott, smooooakin hot. The douche… subtle, nothing too alarming truth be told. Until…

Until…

UNTIL THE PINK SNUGGIE. It’s like the *lining of the douchebag*, the douchebag turned inside out.

Could it be the utlimate minimalist adouchrement?

Only time will tell. And by time, i mean goodness gracious what a lissome, sinuous, lithe curve to that beautifully arched back.

–VS

4:59 pm March, 31 Wedgie said...

Also, because no self-respecting chaparro would be caught dead in a pink snuggie. They burn your house down in Mexico for doing stuff like that.

5:04 pm March, 31 soy bomb said...

That curve turns C- students into solid B’s.

5:21 pm March, 31 anonymous said...

srsly, gutted. i think i bought this picture frame.

6:59 pm March, 31 MockStar said...

Subtle plug for Sports Junkies DB1. And by plug I mean the butt variety.
.
@Wedgie 4:59p, well I guess sometimes they get it right then, don’t they?

7:15 pm March, 31 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I’m now going to kill myself and come back as an elephant so I can trample this douchebag.

8:21 pm March, 31 beer boy said...

Is this worse than my pic?


Beer Boy

8:48 pm March, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I see an Italian girl grabbing someone’s balls in tight jeans in an alley behind an arcade where people go to smoke dubes. Damn you DB1! Do you know what you are doing to me. You’re inciting me into such a rage against Tami the slut that I may have to roll a joint and compose another stupid story.

8:49 pm March, 31 Sir Douche Alot said...

mmmmmm… Top notch pear that

9:15 pm March, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Man Canada has the best beer and weed. Cheap RX too. So when I was a little Kid I was poor and sickly. Could hardly make the three block walk to schoolin with them damn shunts in my head. So my parents bought the coziest little dump up on Nigger’s Hill in downtown Cornysburgh. In nice weather Dad would strap me to a big skateboard, time the red light a few blocks away and give me a big ass push to school. Winter’s toboggan for sure. Summer’s off Mom was off to schoolin herself to make more money in the schoolhouse for retards. Daddy made his money the old’fashioned way Sitting aroung the house doing fuck all and that lazy fat assed woman treat him like he derserves to, pimpim large you. He pimped my brother for one dollar. I was too fucking ugly. Anyway it was a good life and we were good at the books until;;;;mommy said Chad I gotta story for you..You know what life is like Chad, No Momma, Life if like broccoli and metamucil. What the Fuck! When you’re all clogged up all you do is put those two things in your mouth and chew on them swallow them, and burp three times and wait a bbit and all shit shall flow towards the lord’s good door. Halleluyababa. I was saved. So I was a good fat kid until grade 8. smartest in Junior High. Lost a bunch. Dad got a job. Mama lost weight. So then I go to high school abd this slut Tami dumped me for a 9 fingered ex con 100K millionaires married with a fucking ARCADE WITH TEMPEST AND ACID. bITCH. tHAT IS WHEN. I decided that I would take the road more travelled and pursue astronaut school…

9:17 pm March, 31 Vin Douchal said...

I don’t know who the Junkies Sports Guys are but they have some serious Junkettes .

9:30 pm March, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

So booked up on science and never intended to stalk tami it nwas juse coincidence that I sat behind her in every one of her dirty little whore classes with one of her ex friends that I had banges to piss her off after the betrayal.
never was
I piised off or jealous or jealous. Particularly when
I used boly cutters to steal her wallwt from her locker, flush her birth cointrol pills in the tiolet, steal her hash and shit on amd jerk off on her purse in the boys change rooms. She got it back fuck who cares. Its shit and a notr that says die. Big fucking deal! Who was here today Mom? The cops what are you doing to this sweet girls purse. You know how we feel about Tami.FUCK OFF MOM!(tHIS WAS THE FIRST OF FIVE STRATEGIC MISTAKES A YOUNG MAN OF 17 CAN MAKE) yOU COME BACK HERE mr. you know where your bread is buttered. I flee from the house not knowing what to do . Dad was in the house and hadn’t been boozin so i had to be smart. he would hunt me with his 1977 Chrysler New Yorker Brougham 4-Dr
All in baby. You could take your 210cm racering skis off and throw them leisurely into the trunk and not come within 4 feet of either side of the trunk. True story it was a big car. My favourite option was chandelier. How we moved a full size freezer still baffles the mind. Complete with rare 8 track of The Wall. So ya I run to Karl Wollinger’s house and……

9:43 pm March, 31 MockStar said...

^1970s car chase music is the soundtrack in my head when I read this. Piece of advice RevChad, I’m a huge fan of non sequiters and freestyle but does this story have a point? I mean other than Tami not being able to focus long enough to beat Donkey Kong? Your dad had the right idea with the “winter” toboggan. Hahahahahaha…ah. Yeah, good luck with all your stuff man.

10:00 pm March, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Fucking Karl. Karl wanted to be a fucking songwriter. He listened to shit like Carole King, And James Taylor, Carly simon, jino mitchell and he could play guitar and sing good. But everyone thought he was a fafg because he neverhad a girlfriend anyone met. So DAd finds me there asked me to apologize and anyway.
Anyway, the summer before college was full of sun and work and booze and using chubby girls for there islands and yachts. If any of you single dudes don’t mind a bit of chubbage, I’m talking beautiful 5-6, 147 lbs and 20 years old fun girl, grab a chub for the summer, she take you places where she knows you’re friends won’t see you because she’s don this before.SOn. Oh yeah. so I dump the main chub pick up with a blonde slit because she knows it will piss pf video tenpest acid chick Tami. So Tami had been abused by me for years butshe told this blonde she made a bad mistake with mw and had been humiliated by the way I hhave scorned her. Off to university. Ist thankgiving grade 13 graduation I’m with the blonde notes passed to me about Tami, were fucking 19 assholes enough.. So Tami wants me back. But Im with the blonde slut and watch her face turn grey. Foiled again you sweet beautifil minx of a tramp. Christmas comes new chick same deak at the local bar. She doesn’t fo home for summer 1st year. I’m irate. Another chistman more games. Anoither easter. NExt christmas she sends word ahead. I’m loose. She finds me at the bar. Now were only a town of 23 here. Want a drink Chad, sweet smiles melting my balls and cock. Crooked head, full beautiful smile, body hasn’t changes much since 15. We get each other drunk. Go out with a group for a dube. I want to see your parents Chad let’s go to your house. Parent’s asleep. Wake up to say hello and go to sleep. Idiot brother at school. Down to the basement in the new house. Remember thae old Room Chad. Instant action. Full on oral, ya, full on cowgirl, ya, full on doggie ya. Chad I’m coming. Of course fuck. Again. Calm the fuck down. Chad pushes her shoulder down. Ass in full flight ahe done twice, where oh where will I stick. Right her her arse for the final thrust. She didn’t realize at first because of the shock i had put her body into but when she did. She always told me she would never have anal sex. Mission accomplished. Crying. Bastard. I told her she better be quiet so ny folks didn’t find out. She left crying in a cab, I had a scotch and played pool alone in dad’s room while smoking cigarettes until dawn, satisfied I slept. Funny thing about fucking people around like that Davis Icke and Kesha is ya never know just who is gonna win the hotdog eating competition that summer and then before you know it ya see the she devil bitch chasing ya around one last time……

10:02 pm March, 31 Shane said...

these pics are making a come back, some where in the 90’s these things were popular to hang at pool halls or bars and now this guys got one on his mantle. all of his “friends” are like great pic dude thats an awesome shirt . Douche

10:03 pm March, 31 DarkSock said...

I live in a glass house, MockStar Dreuche, so I cannot toss the first Ambien. That shit is worse than heroin, except at least you can remember most of what you did on heroin. Unless you’re Layne Staley, in which case you are a compost pile.
.
They should at least make Chocolate Ambien so you remember getting a nice chocky.
.
I just took mine so I shall be signing off now, lest I have another embarrassing TARMAL meltdown like I did last week.

10:04 pm March, 31 DarkSock said...

Chocolate Ambien is a good band name.
.
So is LOVE TRACTOR
.
.
.
DAMMIT SOCK STEP AWAYYY FROM TEH KEYBARD

10:07 pm March, 31 DarkSock said...

Reverend Chad is our Hunter S. Thompson. Except he’s alive. And not rich. And in Canada, not Colorado. And Johnny Depp is not on his jock. I think.
.
R.I.P.*, Dr. Thompson.
.
.
.
*”Rifle In Piehole”**
.
.
.
**^Too soon?

10:48 pm March, 31 DarkSock said...

pumpweasel done slung the coyote ahn t fo eh …….erm, fuggit I’m goin’ to bednow

10:49 pm March, 31 DarkSock said...

I put the “lewd” in “lucid”
.
.
.
wait…

10:51 pm March, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

So fuck now its 1990. My buddy Kenny, he was a realy good skiier before he met that french chick. Calls me up and says Quale. I say Kenetttthhhhe. What you doing tonight? I don’t see Ken much because now I only go to the hometown on relogious occasion. I don’t know I got to drive a dude home with me. The dude was the boyfriend of Faye, who Kenny used to fuck but that doesnt matter, and Faye new my grilfriend of the time who Kenny hated because of something that happened on a bling date bacvk in grade 12. When Kenny and I went skiing during the 1986 Olympics we did so much coke and shots that we skiied the closed ice face of the hill all day. When we took off out boots we realized that we had not felt our broken feet, medical fact. So Kenny says he and Bowser and Tami are playing euchre and they need a fourth so I say Ok and within an hour the dude that I’m driving home with tells me that my girlfriend found out somehow that Tami and I were going to be at the same place that night.HOLY FUCK, the new girlriend is great but really jealouus. So I worry about it but follow through with the plan. I got two birds to pick from whoee happy times. So now I’m drunk in two time periods 1989 and 2011. One time ny pappt told me a story. If you got two frogs, a crawfish, and 6 oysters bottled live in oil. How do you tell what the jar will smell like in 22 years? It will smell like a big piece of shit marriage you can’t get out of till your dead, and that’s coming like the bald spot on your cock mister. Dad said today you will make the most important decision of you life. I get ready to go out. Drink about 10 beers call the girlfriend tell her I’ll see her later at the bar. There were 25 bars in our town. Near one for every person I reckon. The cool people just went to the bar. And by cool I mean soul cool. Fuck I’m drunk. I don’t even know what I’m writing aboutbut it’s making me tired so that is the main point.
Oh. So we go to Kenny’s parents bar had a few drinks played some euchre, fuck I hate euchre, Tami sitting besides me of course and looking more beautiful than she was those 10 years before. She looked like she was always walking happy into a breeze with a nice smell to them. She smelled fan fucking tastic, Only a touch of makeup compared to the girl I had known. A woman of the world. As smart as any one you know.
An activist, why aren’t any of us married yet, The guys start to see it all happen again. I can smell their embarrassment at witnessing the lust that was beginning again. The room smelled like sex. Chad let go out for some air. The guys roll their heads in disgust. They’ve been on thos rodeo before. Outside. She starts talking about parentd. hand on cocck this night that’s all she wants. She knows you have a girlfriend the 25 year old Tami was an enigma. I don’t care. I know I’m in shit in two ways when Iwalk into the bar with them. Chad, who’s that angry looking girl waving at me from across the bar. Oh that’s ny girlfriend. She’s beautiful. I know. She’s in pretty good shape too. Fuck. So a fight breaks out right besides me so I pop. Somebody bumps me .hrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrjdiuiyhvhjhiuwiuiu and i end up throwing someboday into the cigarette machine. So the girlfriend gives me the dirty look I go over to see her as i smooth my balls. What the fuck are you doing with her you piece of shit . Just met at Kenny’s.
ya wh=ell why don’t you leave with her. Crazed. Talk to my cousin, she says go for Tami,your girlfriend is a bitch. Back to Tami. Back . Back.Girlfriend says this is your day to choose me or her Mister Man. Back to Tami. So what are we doing after. Sultry 25 year old perfection staring at me as smoke cycles through her olfactory system. The other across the room smoking with its effluent releasing like a dragon in her lustroud anger. Tami smirking at her knowing she is just that much more smart, just that much hotter that I had to choose less over her. Rubbing against my wreckless tool and grinding me before it was grinding to a point I don’t know if the law would allow. What am I doing tonight Tami, I’m driving Mrs. Kroeger home and I never saw either of them again.

I would like to thank my spomsors Clonazepam, Cannibus, codeine, The Carling Company, and Growers Pomegranate Cider. Fuck I’m stoned. 3 days to executive detox.

11:18 pm March, 31 soy bomb said...

Hey gang! I was just wondering if anybody knew of a place where I could procure some alpaca potions? Thanx in advance!!111!!

3:25 am April, 1 Bret said...

hilar!

3:50 am April, 1 Rom said...

What a Donk…

4:04 am April, 1 Red Nickel Bikel said...

I’m so jealous of JP, I’m going home tonight to spank it thinking of his chest hair.

4:19 am April, 1 winchester douchefarmer said...

i wish i’d listened to wash today

4:22 am April, 1 Jay Watts said...

Apparently I didn’t beat that douche hard enough…

5:12 am April, 1 Hermit said...

I’m sorry Rev, but I must disagree with everything you’ve expressed in this thread except, “Life is like broccoli and Metamucil.”
.
Those are not just words, but my new life purpose.

5:18 am April, 1 Becky said...

Watch out darl’n, there’s no gold there – #1 took care of that.

5:21 am April, 1 Ron B. said...

Hey JP,

Nice lobster shirt. Douche.

5:48 am April, 1 FoghornLeghorn said...

Maybe I’m a sell out, but I’d wear a lobster shirt and a pink snuggie, just to have Consuela’s thumb hooked in my front pocket.

7:50 am April, 1 John said...

Wow, even Rom thinks JP is a donk…

Someone should start a site called “Hot Chicks with Gay Guys” and take a picture of JP’s girl and BDK.

8:10 am April, 1 Shmett Sohilario said...

This is what happens when a prissy, self-involved woman dates a body-builder.

10:20 am April, 1 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Sorry to change the subject, but I like this photograph.The black and white and the curvy back on the broad plus the nice angle shot make it a welcome sight on a site overloaded with douchechoadwankeryskankery.

10:23 am April, 1 JP's Daughter said...

Daddy-

Why are you making me pay for my own snow cone at the Wizard’s game. Does Jesse have to pay for her own meal at The Palm???

10:58 am April, 1 bth said...

i have an announszhment: JP is not really that big a douchebag, but his gf is really that hot.

did I say that right, brett?

6:51 pm April, 1 Truckstetler said...

Hahaha awesome picture JP!! This is exactly why Lurch hates you.

7:17 pm April, 1 Anonymous said...

Junkette Jessie is delightful and JP makes me want to kill myself. I can’t believe I have been idolizing tese four asses for years. Love the Junks….Love DB1

-Hagerstown Steve

7:42 pm April, 1 Hagerstown Steve said...

Have a listen
http://www.junkscast.com/archive/2011/04/01/01/jp-made-hotchickswithdouchebagscom#

-Can’t sign in, I hate wordpress

7:15 am April, 2 V for Vendoucha said...

Here is the the other Junkie a few years back.

http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2007/04/beer-boy/

1:08 pm April, 2 DarkSock said...

More Pictures, Jess…

1:51 am April, 4 Plumber Services said...

Also, since no self-respecting Chaparro died Snuggie pink. They burn your house in Mexico to do things like that.

3:58 am April, 4 Richard said...

JP may be the meat….but I am her inspiration.

11:40 am April, 4 JP's Daughter said...

Daddy-

How much have you saved for my college education? What do you mean I’m going to have to go to a community college? But why are Jessie’s boobs so big now?

4:05 pm April, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

This douche is complete dumbass. He looks like he’s trying suck her lower lip off of her face. The only time a guy should make that position with his lips is when he’s trying to suck the poison out of a snake bite. I just image the thought running through her head “Oh great. Not another one of his patented ‘I’ll-go-lower-lip-strong-then-upper-lip-nibble-followed-by-some-limp-ass-tongue-that-tastes-like-the-bottom-of-a-moldy-hamper-that-someone-threw-up-in-a-month-ago’ maneuver. God, this asshole needs someone to teach him how to kiss!”

10:04 am April, 8 InTheKnow said...

I wonder why JP’s marriage broke up. Look at who he is kissing and you will know.

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