Friday, March 18, 2011

Reader Mail: Jaundice Kyle

Reader Jacques Doucheteau writes in with a Facebook tag:

—-
I came across this somewhat surreal looking photo on Facebook, of whom no one in the picture I personally know which makes it okay for me to submit for mocking without remorse.

Some friend of my friend knows who they are apparently, as they all go to raves together, which is pretty douchey to begin with. The guy with the arsenic blue lips is obviously trying desperately to get in on the nuzzle hot action, but is being largely ignored as he snaps away for his profile pics.

The party lighting and his duck lips pose further accentuate his already gaunt and sickly appearance as he stands on his tipee toes for the camera. He only wishes it was his hand clutching Erin’s perky swollen mammary cannons, and almost looked like it at first glance, but instead they are roughly clutched in bi-curious Nessy’s disturbingly manly hands. I’m guessing that’s why he chose this as his GODDAMN PROFILE PICTURE!

Oh, Erin. Your boobies inspire monks to utter blasphemic curses at orphans and stomp on baby ducklings in the vain hope to gain audience with the homeless veteran who begs for change a block down from the flower shop where that lily in your hair was purchased. I personally would canter gleefully through a field strewn with razor wire and irate badgers, pausing occasionally to induce vomiting with a swig of vinegar and goat abscess pus, for the mere possibility that I could uncomfortably snuffle through your mom’s recycling until she chases me off her property with a broom.

I dub him, Jaundice Kyle. For his purple lips, bruised beanpole arms, and yellow complexion in the presence of refreshing sweet hottsicles doth offend me. Or to put it another way, f#ck you buddy.
—–

Well argued, J.D., and your ode to Erin’s mammages is both poetic and astute. A perfect tag/writeup for a lazy Friday. I toast you with a HoHo.

# posted by douchebag1
9:32 am March, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

Woody Harrelson has seen better days

9:33 am March, 18 Anonymous said...

That dude is revolting.

But speaking of man hands, here’s a little trivia for you True Blood fans. Kristin Bauer, who plays Pam on True Blood, was none other than Man Hands in the Seinfeld episode.

9:43 am March, 18 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

I happen to like man hands….but that’s because I’m gayer than Johnny Weir’s proctologist…

9:44 am March, 18 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

* Gay as in: jocund, jolly and jovial

9:49 am March, 18 Wheezer said...

Jacques, this write-up is indicative of why you have or had a stalker here at HCwDB. “‘Cuz when u got h8rz, ur doin it rite.”
.
Well played!

9:54 am March, 18 Wedgie said...

Erin looks like Snooki’s cousin. Thanks again, DB1.

10:09 am March, 18 Vin Douchal said...

These people are fugly, except for pert nosed may-be-a-redhead. My eyes threw up looking at this, then since puking is usually contagious, my ass decided to chime in with a wet breakfast burrito fart. .
.
Because those are fun in a crowded area

10:10 am March, 18 Vin Douchal said...

JD: awesome prose, Son

10:24 am March, 18 Crucial Head said...

Expert write up and mock J.D. You had me at “stomp on baby ducklings.”
.
Bravo, good sir… BRAVO!

10:31 am March, 18 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Khadafi has entered voluntary exile and is trolling Manhattan raves with a fist full of ruffies and dresses as the Man in the Yellow Hat.
.
Man-handed fire bush is hot nevertheless.

11:32 am March, 18 fatness said...

There is so much filler in those melons she doesn’t even feel the hand on them.
.
I wonder if Jaundice Kyle would feel a 3 foot piece of rebar to the head…?

11:43 am March, 18 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Now, is that just irate badgers or irate honey badgers?

11:50 am March, 18 Deltus said...

Is there anything more beautiful than a hott chick (man hands or no) latching onto the plump booberies of a shorter hott with a great rack?
.
Okay, there are some things more beautiful than that. But still, RAWR!

11:59 am March, 18 Mr. White said...

@anon 9:33
I would let Kristen Bauer manhandle me with her man hands without hesitation. Especially if she did it in character as Pam. And the actress who plays Jessica helped.

12:31 pm March, 18 DarkSock said...

Huzzah, J. D.; reading that was like swimming through chocolate milk with an erection.

1:39 pm March, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

It is like watching a moment of sublime depession through urine colored glasses.

2:46 pm March, 18 Dancy Neuche said...

@J.D. Nice writeup. Your Mom troll would be proud, I’m sure she would tell us that after she was done telling us about her Little League gangbangs.
.
If this is what’s passing for profile pics on Faceschmuck these days I’m gonna have to get manlier hands. And a pair of fake tits.

5:55 pm March, 18 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Jaundice Kyle…gee, I thought it was because of his yellow hat.

11:35 pm March, 18 Motorcycle Accessories said...

Is there anything more pretty than a hott chick (man hands or no) latching onto the plump booberies of a shorter with a great rack.

1:00 am March, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Thanx y’all. I figured since I haven’t had much time/energy/sperm to spare contributing as a reg commenter, I’d tag a ‘bag. And the overwhelming realization that someone I know went to high school with the guy who occasionally hangs out with Jaundice Kyle here really made me question my decisions in who I choose to associate with.
.
That, and I’m still feeling the residual frustration of seeing my old punk band-mate drummer playing in a blues-rock-reggae-jam band with a bunch of 50-somethings to drunk junkies who don’t know how to dance. So Jaundice Kyle becomes the target of my rage. Fuck you buddy!

1:04 am March, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

But you know what? I live in Oregon, so this was all bound to happen. I got what I fuckin’ deserve. May as well go back to drinking my micro brew and munching on vegan nachos while watching Dexter on netflix because I don’t have a TV.
.
Whoops. I got some IPA head on my ironic mustache there.

10:54 pm March, 19 Steve L. said...

whoa this pic not only has hot chicks and douchebags, but it has a succubus too!

2:46 am March, 21 24 hour Plumbing said...

Especially if they did it in character as Pam. & the actress who plays Jessica helped.

3:21 am March, 21 douche equis said...

When in Jumping Jesus did Jacques Doucheteau get demoted to “Reader” from “Hall of Mock Member and Hero of My World”? — the former by acclaim, the latter for that one thing he said once, uh . . . damn, I even commented on it at the time . . . said it should be the site slogan or something . . . oh well, whatever it was, it put him permanently beyond the appelation “Reader”, even if I can’t remember ezzackly.

3:31 am March, 21 douche equis said...

Found it . . . Jacques Doucheteau, 12/22/2010 2:22 am (Reader Mail: Andrea’s Ex):

“And so I had to sit on my bed, naked, covered in someone else’s shit. With a boner. Also covered in someone else’s shit. Definitely one of those life changing introspective moments, I’ll tell you what.”

If that’s not an immortalizing statement for its creator, I don’t know what would be. “Reader” indeed. I spit me of your “Reader”.

2:43 pm March, 21 Mr. Biggs said...

What exactly is going on with his lips anyway? His lower lip looks like it’s melting from fallout.
.
Too soon?

Leave a Reply

What is 3 + 14 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)