Saturday, April 9, 2011

Ask DB1: Indoor Sunglasses Rule

——
Dear DB1,

I love your work, but I could use your help.

I spend far too much time looking at computer screens and by the end of the day, my eyes were hurting and my vision was getting blurry. I wound up going to an optometrist and getting some glasses. I picked some conservative frames but on a whim decided to get “transitions”.

When it’s bright out, my glasses tint and look like sunglasses. Now, I don’t think there’s anything douchey about wearing sunglasses on a sunny day, but the problem occurs when I go inside. The glasses get dark fairly quickly but it can take up to ten minutes for them to go back to clear.

I think walking around inside with sunglasses is an autodouche offense.

What should I do? Should I take my glasses off the moment I get inside and wait ten minutes?

Your advice is most sincerely appreciated.
– “Cory”

—–

The rule on this is clear. All sunglasses, even the “transitions” kind, must be removed at first entrance to any room operating at less than 20% outdoor lighting, unless or excepting that you:

1. Recently received lasik surgery
2. Are blind
3. Are Audrey Hepburn

No other exemptions are granted.

# posted by douchebag1
1:12 pm April, 9 Wheezer said...

Great pic – I always hoped to see a shot of some chump about to pick his ass.
.
But that’s nowhere near the level of poo of the hipsterbag shown here.

1:12 pm April, 9 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Dang. I thought Jackie Onassis was one of those rule-benders, too.
And she’s as gone as Audrey.

1:17 pm April, 9 DarkSock said...

Kyle took advantage of the distracting spectacle to adjust his glass butt plug.

1:17 pm April, 9 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Yeah, Wheezer…as for this pic, er, pick, it has to be one of the best on this site of late.
Right up there with the Seinfeld episode “The Pick.”
And that current TV show, “American Pickers.”
And dat movie with dem banjo pickers, “Deliverance.”

1:19 pm April, 9 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Over in England this is what’s called a Picadilly Circus.
Son.

1:23 pm April, 9 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

That third Hott gladly handles the jizz-glass while Kyle takes care of the other exit hole in his lower torso.

1:23 pm April, 9 Hermit said...

Sorry, but if DB1 doesn’t give George Clinton a lifetime exeption, I’m not gonna’ be his friend anymore.

1:28 pm April, 9 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Some Amish never return to “the Life” after their teenage rumspringa escapades, yet they retain their ways by wearing black and blue clothing and scratching their rumps in public.

1:33 pm April, 9 Norma Mockwell said...

Hahahahaha transition lenses are for nerds Cory. Seriously when do you leave your parent’s basement long enough to even be outside?
Get those flip tops like Dwayne Wayne had on “A Different World”. I’m probably dating myself with that reference but oh well.
.
Sunglasses inside = you’re high, checking out boobs and buttresses, or trying to be intimidating/controlling, as in I can see your eyes but you can’t see mine. Unless you’ve got some weird photosensitivity disease or you just had your eyes dialated, autodouche.

1:51 pm April, 9 Mr. White said...

Well, I’m legally blind in one eye, had eye surgery twice (the first time when I was 5), and I have pretty high light sensitivity in both eyes, so I have changey-darky lenses and have had for quite a while. But I guess a rule’s a rule. I’m autodouche. Goodbye, dear friends and commentators. I’ve been banned. I’m taking Flyteeth with me.

1:52 pm April, 9 Flyteeth said...

SEE YA LATER FAGAOTHS! AND IM TAKINGG ALL THE FUCCEN TARMAL WITH ME SLAPWHOARS!

2:08 pm April, 9 Norma Mockwell said...

You’re safe Mr. White. You’ve got that weird photosensitivity eye thing. And Flyteeth has like a thousand eyes so between the two of you, you’re notta douche.

2:37 pm April, 9 Hermit said...

FLY&TEEEEATH* is still pissed about that ” no-fly” zone over Lybia.

2:46 pm April, 9 Norma Mockwell said...

@Hermit, is George Clinton blind or constantly getting is eyewear prescription renewed? Me thinketh not.

3:00 pm April, 9 Alf Stewart said...

The flamin’ galah in the grey sweater must be getting married soon… He is picking his ring already

3:21 pm April, 9 Hermit said...

Norma 2:46,
I’ve been lying prostrate on the garage floor, in deep and solemn contemplation, seeking truth and enlightenment about this issue for a good portion of the afternoon. Sadly, I found no answers.
.
Finally, after I sacrificed a young alpaca of questionable virginity, and sent it’s spirit skyward with the help of some lighter fluid and my hibachi, the message became clear to me;
.
DB1 in his infinite wisdom, would have granted an exemption to George Clinton based upon the Rock star Leniency precept.
.
.
Go in Peace

4:07 pm April, 9 Norma Mockwell said...

@El Hermito, really? An alpaca had to die for you to figure that shit out? And how does one lie prostate on the floor. Aren’t the two positions prone and supine? If it has something to do with your balls, please forget I asked.
Anyway, the garage floor is where I hit my own personal bottom but its also where I chose life over ending it all. Must be something magical about garages. P.S. George Clinton=autodouche, rules IS rules.

4:40 pm April, 9 Maxim Kovalenko said...

Sorry, but if you are photosensitive an autodouche does not apply for transitionals (or photochromatics) There is nothing douchey about being able to see without pain.

6:31 pm April, 9 Frank Mercurio said...

Any eye condition that requires less light must be exempt. Can’t call someone a douche for being in a wheelchair because they have spoke rims and a lot of chrome. I have more eye problems than the law allows for someone who is not legally blind, episcleritis being the most vexing among them. I wear sunglasses more than the av-er-age bear as a result, even on overcast days and occasionally in places that have fluorescent lighting if I’m there for more than an hour. That being said, they’re rather low-key shades that I got with some nice poker winnings back in 1998 and haven’t bothered to replace ’cause they still work.
.
However, I guess this does make me an asshole: When I run across someone wearing shades at night/indoors, I have a tendency to sneer, “Whatsa matter, buddy, too sunny in here for you?” Assuming that they have no massive eye problems that forces them to do so. However, when it’s a 21 year old in an affliction shirt/hipster drag/rapper ensemble and being really loud in front of his 5-man crew, it’s safe to assume he doesn’t have cateracts.

6:32 pm April, 9 Medusa Oblongata said...

Frank, you have eyes? Yeesh. I suddenly feel very uncomfortable about our relationship.

7:15 pm April, 9 Luis Douchuel said...

Pretty sure the Blues Brothers get an exemption.

7:33 pm April, 9 Norma Mockwell said...

@Medusa, not only does Frank have eyes, he also plays poker. Quite a talented little dildo you’ve got there.
.
@DB1, if I’m blinded by my rage against douchebags and thusly require sunglasses indoors do I get an exemption?

8:06 pm April, 9 peacemonger said...

John Lennon also gets an exception. There’s plenty of pics of him wearing sunglasses indoors during the 60s and he looks super cool.

8:48 pm April, 9 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Yeah, Lennon gets it, but he’s as gone as Audrey and Jackie O.
Come to think of it. Andy Warhol also wore shades in inappropriate places, but then, Warhol was the inappropriater.

8:56 am April, 10 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

All this talk of exempting specific sunglass-wearing celebrities like John Lennon and George Clinton is pointless. Rockstar leniency rule is already in place in those situations. The real issue is weather real human beings are allowed to wear sunglasses indoors. Obviously, anyone with a condition or documented photosensitivity gets a pass. Although transition lenses are clearly dorky (in the same category as fanny packs and jorts) they aren’t exactly douchey. Plus, I assume that anyone who goes through the trouble to get those has a legitimate medical reason.

Also, I think there is a two-minute window from when you first enter a building from the outdoors. It is possible to forget for a second that you are wearing sunglasses when you enter a building, so it is ok to have them on for a minute or two. But, as soon as you become consciously aware that they are still on, you must immediately remove them. At this point, there are no more exceptions and you are autoscrote

9:40 am April, 10 Norma Mockwell said...

Hear hear Memphis 421, I knew I voted for you for a reason. It was a write in, but maybe when you legitimately run for Prez I can hang your chad official style.

9:47 am April, 10 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

thanks norma, but before i run for prez i better learn the difference between “weather” and “whether”

10:04 am April, 10 Mockraker said...

@Memphis 421, Eh, who gives a shit about grammar, its all about the message. My opinion anyways.

1:48 pm April, 10 Organic Alpaca Nutrition said...

@ Memphis 9:47
Don’t forget the term wether which, as you know, is a castrated goat or sheep. Also don’t forget we are the Midwest’s largest supplier of castration tools and To-Your -Door circumcision service.
.
.
.
OAN

1:50 pm April, 10 Organic Alpaca Nutrition said...

Sorry.

2:09 pm April, 10 Mockraker said...

^Yeah, thanks OAN, my Sunday wouldn’t have been complete without that pic. If I ever get that Alpaca ranch started I’ll be sure to hit you up for a de-balling. I sure as hell am not gonna do it. Wait, but what if I only get one male alpaca and the rest females? No de-balling needed.

4:00 pm April, 10 Burdizzo Jones said...

It has been a while since I have visited this site; I have now been summoned again.
This is the story of my self-castration.
I knew where there was a veterinarian a short distance north on the Jacksboro Highway. I got in the car and drone about five miles to the vets. I explained to him I was going to castrate a horse that I needed some things. A can of Lidocain first, a hemostat, a bottle of Butadiene, some dissolving suture material and a needle. I kept my pocket knife raiser sharp I planned on using it for the incisions. My sister had a pair of forceps in her medicine cabinet.
An hour after leaving for the veterinarians I was back at my sister’s house. I went straight to the bathroom got naked and started to work. First I shaved and scrubbed my genital area with Betadine. I laid out my tools on a bath clothe soaked in rubbing alcohol, scrubbed my hands with disinfectant Dial soap, sat down on the commode top; extended my legs across to the edge of the bath tub, leaned back as far as I could so as to get a good view of my work area. I made sure every thing was in place, reached down to my scrotum where I. placed my left thumb and fire finger around the sack and forced both
balls up. Soon I was squeezing them with my all my left fingers. When they were squeezed tight above my fore finger and thumb I placed the knife over the right center ball, I cut a one inch incision down the scrotum toward the base of my penis. The right testicle popped out membrane sheath and all. I forced the sack down as I pulled on the testicle when I felt a very uncomfortable tug in my groin I slipped a loop over the exposed ball slipped it down over the tubes and blood veins and tied them off. Grasping the testicle in my left fingers I pulled it up and with my pocket I cut it free from my body. I was suprised at how tough the sheath and cord was. With the razor sharp knife it took a sawing action to free the testicle. At that point I had the only feeling of regret, was I sure? The mixed emotion soon passed. I remember thinking as I looked at the bloody mass in my left hand. “how could that cause so much all the pain? Following the same procedure on the left side I soon had both balls lying in my hand. I placed them on a wad of toilet paper and went back to my work. The stitching was a little uncomfortable; the Lidocain was beginning to wear off. After the stitching my scrotum I cleaned up the bathroom so as not to leave a trace of the operation anywhere. Out of curiosity I dissected both testicals they both seemed healthy enough. I went into the kitchen and dropped unceremoniously down the disposal unit turned it on and said goodbye to 30 years of pain and happiness. To put the record I loved sexual intercourse. In thirty years I fathered nine children. As I was leaving the kitchen something went wrong blood began to ooze from the incision on the left side. Soon my scrotum was swelled to the size of a baseball. I packed my groin area with Kotex put on my bathrobe, called to my wife, “Start the car we have to go to the emergency room.” On the drive to the hospital the Kotex between my legs become soaked with blood. As I replaced it with another I saw in horror that my scrotum was now the size of a football and black. Arriving at the hospital I rushed into the emergency room dripping a trail blood. A gurney was brought out and I was placed on it. A doctor arrived soon.
Thank you for your attention in this matter.

4:40 pm April, 10 The Barbecue Walrus said...

George Clinton is covered by the rock star leniency rule, as is is Bootsy Collins.
.
But George does encourage his listeners to wear sunglasses early and often. Take this lyric from Parliament’s Mothership Connection:
.
“That’s the law around here, you gotta wear your sunglasses.
So you can feel cool.”
.
I don’t think the autodouche should apply to any devotee of the funk. Can a douche be funky? Can a douche possess the funk? I don’t think so…

4:42 pm April, 10 Mockraker said...

@FuccenWeirdo aka Burdizzo Jones 4:00p, Um, so do you still have your penis and shit?

4:52 pm April, 10 The Barbecue Walrus said...

The brunette there could EASILY set her piña colada on the shelf of the wall-eyed girl’s ass.

5:00 pm April, 10 Hermit said...

@ Barbecue Walrus,
‘Nuff Said!
.
.
@ Burdizzo,
.
“At that point I had the only feeling of regret, was I sure?”
.
Thanks for sharing a difficult story with us, that really took some balls.

6:08 pm April, 10 DarkSock said...

Burdizzo Jones showed up the same week here as FLYETETHEE mamy years back. Weird times. It was the 70’s, I think. The strangest thing is that it was all before teh interwebs were invented.

6:11 pm April, 10 Hermit said...

“As I was leaving the kitchen, something went wrong….”
.
.
.
Really?

6:13 pm April, 10 Stephanie said...

Well,you could always pretend you can’t see,and bump into a girl. And touch her in the wrong part accidentally,and claim it’s the glasses you don’t have on. She might punch you,or who knows? Take a chance,you wimp.

6:27 pm April, 10 Mockraker said...

@Stephanie, you, me, this new/old weirdo who cut off his nutsack for apparently funsies should have a “Girls Night Out” sometime. I like how you think, Steph. You don’t pull any punches.

7:03 pm April, 10 Steve L. said...

if Cory’s optometrist did not advise getting said sunglasses, it’s autodouche. sorry.

9:08 pm April, 10 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

yeah, on second thought, I’d sooner go dwayne wayne than get transitions

11:49 am April, 11 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Mr. White
.
Don’t go. Your long luxurious hair more than makes up for that wonky eye. Besides, don’t you qualify for the rockstar leniency rule anyway?

4:42 pm April, 11 Mr. Biggs said...

I’ve said it before – go easy on the guy. Remember the maxim, “I think, therefore I am not a douchebag.” The mere ability to walk into a room, and wonder if maybe your attire is on the douchey side of normal, gives you a nottadouche. The true douche is proud of his attire, and mocks others for hatten.
I just don’t want him bumping into anything because he feels shamed into taking off prescription lenses for a few minutes any time he walks indoors. That seems kinda lame in itself.

10:48 pm April, 12 army (ret) douche said...

i am with mr biggs. perscription lensesmust have some flexability. the awareness factor over rules the minimal offense.

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