Saturday, April 23, 2011

Comment of the Week: Hermit on Hipsterbags

As there is so much genius in the comments threads, I’m gonna start highlighting a Comment of the Week.

This week, the award goes to Hermit for the following in yesterdays Burningbags thread:

—–
Phish may suck, and hipster bags come and go, but give them their small ounce of credit for leaving the safety of their suburban prisons where, like their mothers and fathers before them, they circle their neighborhood cages in a pointless dance of redundancy. The electrical impulses course through the deadened synapses of their broken nervous systems. It drives them onward to inevitability. They flood the highways and interstate loops like lemmings in a high speed funeral procession.

High fences and corrugated metal attempt to hide the ugliness of the machine with grease and blood oozing from corroded mechanized biceps. Motor homes with moldy mattresses, plastic wood and dried semen on the frayed and faded curtains. They turn their heads away pretending not to see. They dazzle their eyes, staring blankly into lighted monitors and screens of plasma while their own corpuscles, blood and plasma become corrupted, eating them as the virus spreads.

A single blackbird tugs at a shredded fabric softener sheet, oblivious to the conformity of the sculpted golf course. A place where emasculated semi-men hide from their domineering wives in a failed attempt to preserve what’s left of their testosterone, which is slowly being extracted from their pores by their women, talking heads on TV sets, and the machine, as it grinds and churns.

Wrap-around uni-shades is already balding and running out of time. Large-breasted, braless and sunburned Earth Mother‘s boobs are maturing into the matronly flesh hammocks Grandma warned her about.

Time is running out.

So drop your acid, endure the dust and hordes of copy-cat, drunken non-conformists, and have Daddy’s Winnebago back by Monday.

——

Wanna nominate a future comment for Comment of the Week? Drop me an email with the comment and thread name.

EDIT: Due to 300+ spam posts overnight, comments have been temporarily disabled for this thread until the Spam Hose is turned onto some other lucky WordPress blog.

# posted by douchebag1
12:27 pm April, 23 Wedgie said...

Vagenius.

12:34 pm April, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Concise and corpulent.

12:35 pm April, 23 Mr. Biggs said...

Hear hear!

12:37 pm April, 23 Mr. Biggs said...

This pretty much describes the Rise Against concert I went to. And don’t ask me why I went. It was a disappointment matching the final scene in Animal Farm.

12:40 pm April, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And I just saw the dangest thing at the mall. One dude in a sedan beat out another three waiting for the same spot. Parking lot rage ensued. Grandmothers getting smacked by dudes and swinging their purses. By the time it was over a fifth car, a minivan was on top of a four car demolition derby with police, jaws of life, and a good time had by all watching. IT was very enhancing to my mid-aft Easter buzz. Will post if it makes TV.

1:41 pm April, 23 Nancy Dreuche said...

Hermit is one cool cat. Who is into cows. Bravo Herm, I usually always dig your stuff.

5:44 pm April, 23 massengill said...

I actually found this comment by opening up the thread and doing the old Ctrl+ F search for the word “matronly.” I also searched for “bingo,” but nobody went there.

Way to go Darks—err—Hermit!

5:46 pm April, 23 massengill said...

And apologies. I’ve been so stupid busy with stupid work that haven’t lately been reading all of the comments in all of the threads from start to finish as I should.

9:14 pm April, 23 Vin Douchal said...

Fuckin A’. I could smell the garlic breath and hairy armpit persperation as I read that … and that was just from the chicks.
.<br
Ever seen a white dude with long dreadlocks and one of those rainbow beanies? My neice's husband used to wear his shit that way. Ever smell that hat? That mofo couldn't sneak up on anyone with that cloud of stench preceeding him.
.
He smelled like an Armenian commiting suicide by jumping in a tire and dog hair fire. Stenchmo

5:52 am April, 24 Wheezer said...

Great work, Hermit!
.
And a Happy Easter to all my fuccen hatter broheims and hotts!

6:07 am April, 24 Hermit said...

Thanks all, I’m honored.
This is the first thing I’ve won since I received a blue ribbon at swimming lessons. (Everyone who didn’t drown got one.)
.
Thanks again, I’m off to the golf course!

8:52 am April, 24 DoucheyWallnuts said...

So douchebags are good for something, as they elicited such an excellent response from ^Hermit.

8:54 am April, 24 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Oh, and coming back from my morning constitution I saw a dressed up Dad being put in the back of a police car in front of his family, in the parking lot of a local eatery. When Easter Brunches Go Wrong…

3:03 pm April, 24 Steve L. said...

high speed funeral processions FTW.

5:51 pm April, 25 Voulez-vous Douchez said...

This exemplifies why I turn to HCWD for the headiest mock. However, I’d could use further enlightenment on Section 3 (“A single blackbird tugs…”) and its relevance to the Burningbag setting. (Hippiebags and dryer sheets? And wives?)

5:52 pm April, 25 Voulez-vous Douchez said...

I’d could use further proofreading also.

10:07 pm April, 25 DarkSock said...

Attack of the SpamBots.
.
I mean, seriously. Out of the several hundred spam spatters that hit this thread here’s a sample sentence from one; it reads like a RevChad rant:
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…order fast cycrin online pravachol dosage instructions dog vomit smells like feces…
.
Time to get out the weed wacker and get to work.