Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Hipsterbag Lenny is Laughing at Nothing in Particular

Smurf shirts. Ironic.

Later that night, supple Pauline will be too polite to point out that eating Japanese noodle soup ironically at 2am doesn’t justify the lack of a recording contract that’s coming. Any day now.

# posted by douchebag1
7:18 am April, 12 DJ Inphinity said...

Chicago-land douche in the house!

7:29 am April, 12 Bigphatnotadouche said...

I give the dude a notta:
as he is notta going to get laid.

7:36 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

Yeah, I remember my first acid trip.
.
.
.
Sorta.

7:54 am April, 12 Mr. White said...

He’s not laughing. That’s a scream of anguish as his hipsterbag skinny jeans restrict blood flow through his extremities. Right now, his blood-bloated feet bear an uncanny resemblance to that Smurf’s feet.

7:57 am April, 12 I R A Darth Aggie said...

He’s laughing because she just told him that she’s never going to sleep with him. He thinks she’s joking. She’s smiling. Guess who’s going to be disappointed…

8:08 am April, 12 Mr. White said...

Pauline will spend most of an evening with you talking about chakras and how they relate to her own “spirituality,” which is an incoherent mishmash of Eastern philosophies and things she read on signs at Whole Foods. The upside is that she’ll let you put it in her butt. FACT.

8:19 am April, 12 Mock Ring said...

I would smurf this douche in the smurf if he’d ever smurfed across my path. Brainy Smurf he is not. Smurf.

8:57 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

@ Mr. White:
.
I think you have sketched this woman accurately. To that dissection I would add that I’d steal Vicodin out of her purse and sneak out the window the morning after. And feel good about it.
.
We are a dickish bunch and I feel good about that as well.

8:59 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

Pauline will spend most of an evening with you talking about her journey of discovery and self-expression through macramé and how the music played during Grey’s Anatomy makes her weepy. The upside is that she’ll let you put a carrot in her if it’s organic. FACT.

9:07 am April, 12 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Is the Tony in the background wearing a pearl necklace? No, actually a real pearl necklace.

9:08 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

Lenny will spend most of an evening with you talking about his ironic collection of 70’s television-show themed metal lunch boxes, and how his procurement of a Bianchi San Jose gearless bike off of Craigslist for $600 was a coup. The upside is that he’ll let you put it in his butt. FACT.

9:27 am April, 12 Wedgie said...

^Or you can just go to the dentist and have your teeth drilled, which is not quite as painful.

9:33 am April, 12 Mock Ring said...

@Detective Private Investigator 9:07a, yes he is and its his Aunt Lucille’s. Why you gotta hate? At least they’re cultured pearls.

9:44 am April, 12 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Lenny’s key chain is really in fact a device of his own creation whereby he has connected the chain to this ironic cocck stud with a 9V battery. Every time Pauline mentions how well her dream catcher has been working or how she wants to visit an “indian reservation” to get more in touch with a native animal he shocks himself silly. If you think about it, it’s a win-win for just about everyone.

9:48 am April, 12 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Lenny will spend most of an evening with you talking about how his band like to keep their gigs “spaced out” so that only their true fans can see them and appreciate their art while whining up a storm about how hard it is to be a starving artist and how much he hates his shift manager at Kinko’s.

9:59 am April, 12 Hermit said...

Mr. White will spend most of an evening with you talking about Euclidean geometry and how it relates to the Pythagorean theorem, which is subject to both areal and metric interpretations. The upside is he’ duct tape your wrists to your ankles and carve his initials on your back with a a length of reciprocating saw.

10:10 am April, 12 Hermit said...

Lenny’s facial expression is due to the fact that his wallet chain is attached to an exquisitely turned oaken newel post which is inserted deeply up his rectum.

10:42 am April, 12 Anonymous said...

I was going to give this guy a notta until I learned for a fact, that he’ll let you put it in his butt.

I wonder if the two of them, would go ass to ass with with an extra long organic carrot, and then mouth to mouth after they pulled it out.

Hmmmmm.

10:44 am April, 12 Anonymous said...

That would be a carrot cake with a chocolate frosting of a different kind.

10:49 am April, 12 Mock Ring said...

^Two Idiots One Vegetable?

11:03 am April, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

OMG OMG SMURFS!!! I REMEMBER SMURFS!!! ^_^ <333333

11:20 am April, 12 Anonymous said...

Two Idiots One Vegetable, now available for download on the intertubes.

11:25 am April, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Lenny is really into her because she let him know that in another life 100,000 years ago he was a tribal Shaman and drum circle leader. It’s OK that the rest of “Lucifer’s Debt” makes fun of him for being a drummer who can’t read music. His inner indigo child aura has led him to the drums. He has to embrace the lives he has lived and the angels that have been guiding him through his many existences.
.
A vegan since birth, Pauline was raised on locally grown fresh vegetables. hemp oil, and quinoa. Birthdays and pagan festivals were the only occasions where she may be treated to a bowl of muesli and a sip of mother’s White Witch Mead. Rejecting Wicka, Pauline broke mother Moonbird’s heart, driving her out of her own divinity and back to the city. Pauline lived a rough and tumble few years on the streets before she was found bloodied and naked in the dumpster behind the food bank at The Inner Focus School of Energy Healing and Shiatsu.
.
How did I get here? she asked Guinnevere the executive manager of the joint. You fell into the dumpster. No, I mean how did my life lead me here?
With a large knowing smile, Guinnevere told her how we were all led for millenia by our life force through successive births and deaths in different forms and strange places which the conscious mind can barely understand. Let me get you better Pauline. You are in the right place for a change. I will teach you how to see the world for what it is rather than the cages we have all placed ourselves in. Sleep my child.
.
Twenty three days later Pauline was no longer a vegan. She had been enlightened to the ways of the meat. She now would only let Colt 45 and beef pass her lips. She smelled of ketones and malt. She had also earned her Doctorate in Metaphysical Theology and was working in the nearby hospice as a transitional dream walker guiding spirits out of this cruel existence to the next without fear.She did some birth dreamwalking for cash on the side.
.
A few months after she earned her degree and started working with angels and souls, she had a bad night. A baby she was walking into the world flew out of his womb rocket with the speed of a Carl Yastremski turd.She was knocked unconscious and wolk in a panic. I need mead, she screamed. She ran down the street to Johnny’s Tapas and Indie music joint, drank a bottle of Drambuie, took a pill from Gwendolyn her guardian angel, fucked three guys on a pool table and met Lenny. They have been living ironically ever after.
.
I thank you.

11:48 am April, 12 Troy Tempest said...

You guys aren’t getting Lenny. He’s actually just a garden variety tech geek who works as a junior programmer at a company that makes mobile entertainment apps for RIM Blackberry and iPhone devices. His job is to develop whitebox testing systems and conduct code review meetings every thursday, where the senior programmers bitch each other out, leaving Lenny to pick up the pieces and keep track of who said what, so he can check the code for their references. He kinda hates his job, but it pays pretty well, and allows him to meet graphic design majors like Pauline.

12:22 pm April, 12 Hermit said...

Electroshock therapy can dull the mind and subdue lucidity. In Reverend Chad’s case however, it seems to have had quite the opposite effect.

12:23 pm April, 12 Stephanie said...

Pauline has her own weird blue shadow and does not need that smurf to fix her computer.

12:43 pm April, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Rev
.
My offer still stands regarding wanting to publish your writings Son!!!

1:02 pm April, 12 Douche Springsteen said...

Troy has him pegged. This guy is no true hipster. He just thinks the bike messengers that drop off packages at his office are “pretty cool” and tries to copy their style. If he walked in to a real faux-dive hipster bar in that Urban Outfitters pseudo-retro-vintage Smurfs shirt (layered 90s grunge style over a long sleeve white shirt) along with that watch and wallet chain, he would get snort-laughed and eye-rolled right out of the place.
However, Pauline would be allowed to stay, so long as she could keep up with the post-structuralist analysis of Lars Von Trier / Dogme 95 films. Or at least fake like she can, because that’s all that matters.

2:38 pm April, 12 Fatness said...

Gotta go with the notta although he is definitely a wannabe. Just spent four days in Cupertino, Sunnyvale and Palo Alto and the park benches are lined with these twerps. Troy for the correct placement.

4:34 pm April, 12 Mock Ring said...

Troy for an accurate assesment and RevChad for mayor of Candyland. Disregard my other request for a story your honorable RevChadwick, you have more than covered it here. My spirit force thanks you and shit.

6:28 pm April, 12 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

There’s a rather large black woman who works out in my gym who wears that same shirt.

10:39 pm April, 12 army (ret) douche said...

I’m going to have to jump on the notta band wagon. he is’t all that offensive

11:45 pm April, 12 Alf Stewart said...

This guy is a notta… Purely for the fact that it looks like a hott is taking her retard brother out for the day

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