Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Martin Expresses His Inner Child to Kelly

Of course, Martin’s inner child also shaves his chest, is orange, wears vests without shirts and Jesus bling, and has a scrotey fungal arm tatt.

Kelly wears the sexiest frilly diapers this side of Milan. And so I fondle her teddy bear and read her stories of scary wolves and crotch itch.

# posted by douchebag1
12:04 pm April, 27 Nancy Dreuche said...

Jesus Titty Fucking Then Don’t Call Me Again Christ! At first, before I scrolled down to reveal Kelly’s lacey speedo, I was like “Get the fuck out now Kelly while you still have your good looks”. And then I scrolled down and was like “Eh, they both have horrible taste in clothing. Hopefully they are registered at Forever 21 so I can buy them something they can both wear.”

12:17 pm April, 27 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

now Magnum doesn’t want to be accused of promoting any sort of sexual assault / date rape, but if you go out of the house wearing that revealing outfit, looking all promiscuous and shit, you are just asking for it. She looks kind of slutty too.

12:20 pm April, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

What went wrong, young Kelly? You were on the debate team, the pep squad, and your B average guaranteed you a shot at community college, though you knew tuition would be a stretch and you’d get no help from your unemployed deadbeat father. So you took a night job, I’m guessing? The best paying night job in town, I’m guessing? And your dreams of healthcare management went whirling down the porcelain bowl just like the gallons of Coors Lite your patrons piss away every night. Spin on the pole, grind a little, tell ‘em how strong and handsome they look and how you need money for your mother’s heart surgery, lather, rinse, and repeat.
.
I’d tell you that I would take you away, and want nothing but to snuggle with you on the couch and watch late night vampire movies… but we both know that is a lie. You’d lie right back to me in the champagne room, and you’d tell me you are only doing this for one semester, and how you never thought you’d want to go home with a customer ‘cause you are not like that. Then the bouncer would tell me I owe $250 for chatting with you all through “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and “Dream Weaver” while you sipped on a $25 soda disguised as a tropical drink. No, Kelly. I’m not falling for it.

12:56 pm April, 27 smackdouche said...

Many believe that a tattoo is “manly” or “rebellious”. That strand of flowers tat actually handicaps his “manliness”.

1:08 pm April, 27 Rockabilly Johnny and the Electric Foreskin Benders said...

I don’t mean to brag, but back in the eighties I could snort those lacey panties right off of Kelly’s ass with a rolled up hundred dollar bill.

1:10 pm April, 27 Anonymous said...

I would gladly eat whatever Kelly cares to deposit in those diapers.

1:18 pm April, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

The pearl spangled wrist band really gives a $20 tug-job a touch of class. It’s just like getting a handy from the queen herself.

1:26 pm April, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

Japanese or Maori? How about both? How about not. The tatto fail train now boarding on track zero.
.
Kelly, don’t listen to these guys. I wore the same panties, too. Only the ruffles were actually on my butt. And I had these cute black patent leather shoes on. Oh, wait. I was two years old at the time, we all did it. Never mind. Go put on your big girl panties, you’re giving me the heebie-jeebies.

1:26 pm April, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ Tattoo. The spell-check fail train boarding on track zero-and-a-half.

1:35 pm April, 27 creature said...

his butt plug is tethered to his belt

1:38 pm April, 27 Vin Douchal said...

No way this photo was snapped in America. It’s either a Euro nation or Nova Scotia.
.
Hey you two: turn on a TV or get a magazine or two to see what normal people wear when not locked in the storm cellar playing , “Titty Wizzy Zipple Now I’m The Girl And You’re The Boy”

1:38 pm April, 27 Boner said...

Gaybag!!! And Kelly gives me a boner.

1:41 pm April, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

It’s good thing Martin’s mom took the strings out of his hoodie so he doesn’t strangle himself on the playground. But she is going to be PISSED that he pulled the sleeves off of it. That’s the last time she goes takes him shopping at Abercrombie, it’s all Target all the time from now on!

1:41 pm April, 27 Douche Springsteen said...

I think this guy is a gaybag. He is giving me the Mayan Eye of Coitus. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just if I go queer, it ain’t gonna be for a dude like Martin.

1:42 pm April, 27 creature said...

when I eat thermometers I can give pearl necklaces just like that

1:42 pm April, 27 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Erasure’s attempt at making it big among UFC fans failed miserably.

1:45 pm April, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Vin
.
Could you please explain the rules for “Titty Wizzy Zipple Now I’m The Girl And You’re The Boy”. I believe I’m unfamiliar with that game. Is it anything like “Will a spark form between these two wires if I put them HERE on your body?”

1:48 pm April, 27 Wedgie said...

This shot was taken on the way to the Champagne Room, where the rest of his money, and remaining dignity, will be taken by this fine young lady, forthwith.

1:48 pm April, 27 creature said...

^tesla wand?

1:55 pm April, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Creature
.
That would be all fancy and stuff. In my family, we did it Rambo-style: a 9-V battery and a lamp cord. That way if you yelped, you got a beatin’ with the cord as well.

1:55 pm April, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

TENS jockstrap?

2:04 pm April, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I would hate to see the chick’s moneymaker if this is how she got all those pearls:
.
The formation of a natural pearl begins when a foreign substance slips into the oyster between the mantle and the shell, which irritate­s the mantle. It’s kind of like the oyster getting a splinter. The oyster’s natural reaction is to cover up that irritant to protect itself. The man­tle covers the irritant with layers of the same nacre substance that is used to create the shell. This eventually forms a pearl. So a pearl is a foreign substance covered with layers of nacre. Not all pearls turn out so well. Cultured pearls are created by the same process as natural pearls, but are given a slight nudge by pearl harvesters. To create a cultured pearl, the harvester opens the oyster shell and cuts a small slit in the mantle tissue. Small irritants are then inserted under the mantle. In freshwater cultured pearls, cutting the mantle is enough to induce the nacre secretion that produces a pearl — an irritant doesn’t have to be inserted.

2:10 pm April, 27 soy bomb said...

Both people in this photo enjoy cocck.

2:17 pm April, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger from his dad's bunker said...

Just getting ready in case the commies win the election here, it is epic absurdity.
.
Anyhows. Gaybag. Hot slutbag.
.
@Vin
.
You were correct in predicting the epicosity of the series. Good luck to your B’s tonight.

5:08 pm April, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Dr. B:
If an irritating prick results in a pearl, I should be rich. According to my ex I’m the most irritating prick in the world.

6:50 pm April, 27 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

He’s an irritating pud, but I give him a pass on the vest with no shirt. When your girlfriend turns up wearing only panties, it’s time to say, “You’re overdressed, Martin!”

9:11 pm April, 27 Vin Douchal said...

@ Dude, Nathan Horton FTW
.
@ Doc
.
“The Titty Wizzy Zipple Now I’m The Girl And You’re The Boy Official Rule Book and Francine’s Taint Flavored Edible Scorecard ©” is available at Amazon.com and other fine retail outlets.

9:15 pm April, 27 Vin Douchal said...

And for the record I have a mad crush on Haley from American Idol

10:14 pm April, 27 Steve L. said...

wow. Kelly not only wears the sexiest frilly diapers, she’s from Milan too. what more can a penis ask for?

1:11 am April, 28 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Putting aside the cleavite-revealing frocks of today’s fashion, Kelly opts for a wedding outfit of another ilk.

1:14 am April, 28 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Martin was imagining getting Mr Clean’s Magic Eraser to rub away those arm tatts, when Kelly showed up instead in her Genie-Cleanie maid’s outfit.

1:16 am April, 28 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

It’s as refreshing as a lemon douche to see a douchebag wearing only tatts, a shaved chest with deep vee and some bling, while not sporting a bizaare hairstyle.

1:18 am April, 28 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Martin and Kelly love to rec-create the famous William and Kate engagement photo, even if he is too financially strapped to afford a $35,000 sapphire and diamond engagement ring.

6:32 am April, 28 massengill said...

Anderson Cooper ‘bag?

7:11 am April, 28 Elwood Blues said...

Kelly: nom nom nom nom

/Lose the nose stud. Gross.

7:54 am April, 28 DarkSock said...

Medusa’s right, Kelly. Put on your big girl panties. Then remove them, please.

7:54 am April, 28 DarkSock said...

I would totally steal Vicodin out of her purse.

10:54 am April, 28 mr.reeve said...

I am with Sock, put them on and remove them……PLEASE!
Dude is gay. Don’t we give gaybags a pass for not being a threat to the hott??? Just sayin

10:21 pm April, 28 Stephanie said...

Flowers in a snake tattoo? He smells like an Aussie.

3:18 am April, 29 Kamagra said...

I am The Girl And You are The Boys. I think I am unfamiliar with that game. Is it anything like Will a spark form between these wires if I put them HERE on your body.

5:40 pm April, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Kamagra 3:18a, I don’t need your products but if you keep up the good work, I will continue to give you props.

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