Thursday, April 28, 2011

Reader Mail: European Dancebaggery

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Subject: Euro douche/hott manifesto

Dear DB1,

I am a big Euro Dance music fan for years now and I came across this music video clip. For me it signifies the ultimate Euro-douche-II virus expanding in the European continent, carrying lots of hotts along with it.

This is pretty much how modern European youth looks like. It’s a shame isnt it?

Best & thanks again for your struggle against douches all over the planet,

-Douchifer
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It does exemplify the mutating eurovirus, Douchifer, but I am troubled by your prior history as a Euro Dance music fan.

Modern cultural historians generally classify European Dance Music by articulating two distinct historical periods, B.A. and A.A. (Before Abba and After Abba). And both are considered equally douchey.

Modern douche variations cannot contain the long, bleak history of eurobaggery in dance music.

# posted by douchebag1
9:38 am April, 28 DarkSock said...

That Judd Hirsch sure can pull some hotts.

9:41 am April, 28 DarkSock said...

John Largeman regaled guests with the story of his newly shorn head before striding over to the couple and smiting them down with the pleather sofa.

9:51 am April, 28 DarkSock said...

Oh, and Mr. Eurodouche: Tila Tequila called; she wants her hot-dog sized arms back.

9:56 am April, 28 Mr. Biggs said...

Too much weirdness for one morning. I must now go spike my coffee.
.
As someone who used to rave back in my early 20s, it particularly pains me to see this kind of decay. Mind you, it decayed when all the bros came in with speed and nitrous and expected free strippers. This is like third order decay.
.
As for our couple here? The dude is the reason I need to drink. What kind of corrupted genetics makes a guy want to look like that? As for his little hott Mary, I get it, you’re going slumming latin style. The trope is done, it’s old, you look like a moron.
.
That’s right. I called your boyfriend a trope.

10:00 am April, 28 I R A Darth Aggie said...

He may be a douche, but he has excellent taste in women.

10:12 am April, 28 Mr. White said...

Damn, I was hoping for a good Scooter video.
.
TIE YOUR SHOES, TIE YOUR SHOES!

10:13 am April, 28 mr.reeve said...

Euro Dance music fan = autodouche

10:13 am April, 28 Vin Douchal said...

The Most Unintersting Man In The World…..
.
When he speaks lambs die
He induces narcolepsy just by entering a room
He has a World Trade Fair commemorative thimble collection
.
.
“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do I drink Bud Light…… Stay boring , my friend”

10:14 am April, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

She is so hot she’s on fire. I think he dies his hair gray. Which is weird. Sorry I’ve been drinking. It decreases the potency of my mocks. I noticed the difference when I started dancing to the Right Said Fred video.

10:24 am April, 28 Deltus said...

Too much wrong with him. My brain can’t handle right now.
.
She’d be WAY hotter if’n she’d stop *trying* to look like a freak. Damn shame, cause she seems to have an excellent rack on her.

10:42 am April, 28 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

Mr Reeve said it. Being a “big fan of Eurodance music” puts you pretty squarely in the middle of autobag territory. I’m trying to think of a way to be lenient here, but I’m drawing a blank.

10:48 am April, 28 The Dude said...

Eurodude looks like the Dog Whisperer. She looks like a cross between Lauren Bacall and Madonna, with a nice rack.

10:52 am April, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Auto. Has been going on since at least ’83 when I did a tour of Europa. There is only one Euro dance video that is not douche. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KXlBeziPJ4.

10:55 am April, 28 Hermit said...

@The Dude,
I think you’re on to something, if Cesar Milan screwed the porcelain dalmation statue in the lobby of the firehouse, the resulting love child would look like Eurodude.

10:55 am April, 28 Troy Tempest said...

DB1 is incorrect.

The two phases of euro dance music is the period where Europeans made dance music and it was just Dance Music From Europe and then the following period which was when Europeans made dance music and it was called Euro Dance Music. The period where Europeans made dance music and it was just Dance Music, was fine and appreciable. Examples:

Kraftwerk. These guys practically invented european Dance music. Here’s a very short documentary on how they did it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-haWSy43Ks

Telex
These guys were Kraftwerk with a sense of very surreal humour. Here they are at Eurovision 1980, singing a song called Eurovision which is NOT a very nice song about Eurovision. Needless to say they placed last in the contest, and for that they come in first IMHO….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6USa0zUMmqI

Suzy Andrews
Smoking Hott making that synth dance pop stuff. Here’s her version of that classic 80s dance hit, Der Kommissar, and it’s a good bit better than the original:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-mA7R0ZQg4

and some pictures of her:
http://bit.ly/iNQc3y

Heaven 17
British Commie Disco. doesn’t get better than that. Here’s they’re brutal “you broke my heart you fucking bitch” song, Let Me Go:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJrU9RIurFE

They’re still around, even though the lead singer looks like Nosferatu. Here they are doing their Humbert Humbert tune “Come Live With Me”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AYJiFoGX6w

“I was 37 you were 17…
… kiss the boys good bye, come live with me…”

Yep. Uber-creepy.

And yes: even the Human League was pretty damn good early on, until they got a taste of the fame drug and fell prey to an early version of the douche flu. Example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0z6adZaRXo

10:58 am April, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

@The Dude, I totally was trying to place the face and your suggestion makes the most sense. Well yours plus Hermit’s Dalmation Statue theory. Have I mentioned that I’m really into statues?

11:21 am April, 28 tall guy said...

There’s several varieties of just plain wrong going on with creepy looking guy. As for her, while I agree with The Dude @ 10:48 in principle, but I’ll raise his Lauren Bacall to a Lucille Ball. Also, what’s she wearing?

11:34 am April, 28 dbBen said...

You like when I dance like this? You look sexy when you dance! Come here, I want to buy you drink.
.
And thus nations fall.

12:03 pm April, 28 The Dude said...

agree w/ tall guy @11.21 — Le Douche d’Euro is macking on Lucille’s Balls. Dear God, I hope she smokes 3 packs of some skinny menthol cigarettes every day, and has a voice like the moviefone guy.

I kinda like the Pleather Couch. Disposable furniture, available for $14.99 at your local Walmart.

1:49 pm April, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Douche isn’t Cesar Milan. Dumbass just fell asleep while painting the glory hole at the White Swallow.
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As for her, I’m going with a young Natasha Kinski mixed with just a touch of Selma Hayek (mainly for the rack). Is it weird that her lightening boobs are a major turn-on for me?

2:05 pm April, 28 The Dude said...

Dr. BHD: No, no, no! Selma’s Hayeks™ wouldn’t be caught dead in an asymmetrical layered dance outfit. Neither would I — yet another thing I have in common with Selma Hayek’s Hayeks™.

I’ve never been to the White Swallow. Poor dumbass.

The lightening boobs do create pants tremors here.

2:30 pm April, 28 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Salim probably was watching too many viewings of Pretty Woman whilst listening to too much Mr. President (yeah, I even remember fackin’ that group) to turn into Euro-Douchard Gere. Moreover, as Mr. Biggs has noted, it were these pudwanks (or ” Wankes de pude” or “Pfudevankers!) who destroyed the raver scene. The was time of genuine desire to simply find a warehouse and enjoy the music not giving a shit, but those are hard to come by nowadays for a variety of reasons.
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But definitely, if there is anything that can give the nineties a black mark, it was the inexplicable worldwide popularity of Europop dance music. I just have one question of the music video: Was this a clinical trial on the motor skills of those afflicted with both Parkinson’s and Epilepsy? If so, I applaud the Max Planck Institute of Human Physiological Research. Hans and Marie should get a commendation before they seek more subjects at another Alsatian dance hall.

3:58 pm April, 28 Anon said...

I’m sorry, but if you can’t appreciate the talent of Kraftwerk and Daft Punk, then something is obviously wrong with your musical taste.

5:09 pm April, 28 soy bomb said...

For the record, I enjoy techno/trance/house/ambient etc. music. Like any musical genre, there are the Masters/Innovators, followed by those who do a decent imitation job, and finally the flat-out shite, like these clowns.
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When I was in Vegas last week I was stunned by the amount of Eurobags. It got to the point where I just assumed that everyone there was Euro and I was proven right about 80% of the time. Where E-’bags definitely provide the chuckles, they don’t trigger the rage I need to stimulate grade-A mock like the archetypal musclechoad, preening pole-smokers do.

6:12 pm April, 28 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

I have always been an advocate of the so-called “Europass.” Similar to the “Rock-Star Leniency” rule, this is a type of baggery exemption that is occasionally warranted. I just don’t think continental Europeans know any better and are genetically predisposed to outrageous sexually-ambiguous techno-sprockets clubbaggery. This exemption does not apply to anyone in the UK or Ireland, who are presumed to know better and are held to the same standards as Americans. For some reason, Eurobaggery seems more innocent and just doesn’t make me that mad.

6:17 pm April, 28 Steve L. said...

whoa that banshee-like chick gives Lady Gaga a run for her money on the scariness meter.

8:35 pm April, 28 ehcuodouche said...

I don’t know,Technoviking is pretty non-douchey, though even if he was, I wouldn’t dare displease him.

9:02 pm April, 28 The Dude said...

As someone who has told people I’m a perfessional musician for almost 30 years now, I gotta say that triggering an arpeggiator on an Oberheim 4 voice is to music what race car drivers turning left is to sports. Which is to say that Eurodogs posing at their keyboards attract hot chicks as well as N’ass-Car decal guys can.

9:27 pm April, 28 Stephanie said...

Wow,Troy,nice music lessons. All I can see is a very large nose,I can’t stop looking at it.

3:14 am April, 29 Kamagra said...

I require to drink. What kind of corrupted genetics makes a man require to look like that? As for his tiny hott Mary, I get it,

3:27 pm April, 29 Stephanie said...

Kraftwurst- “We Are Pork Products” just watch this…

http://youtu.be/4MVCgoW7aa0

5:32 pm April, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

^Me likey.

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