Thursday, April 14, 2011

Reader Mail: Heather Dumps Mr. Lazy

Reader Heather writes in from Singapore:

—-
Subject: ya gotta go…

this complete fing douchbag wore this god damn shirt atleast 2x week while we were dating….it was either kill myself or break up…..I DECIDED TO MOVE TO SINGAPORE!
—-

Well, that’s one solution. The other would’ve been to write the word “eye” with a black magic marker under “Mr. Lazy” on his shirt.

Still, he’s only barely a stage-1 doucher, Heather, and if repeated shirt wearing was a ‘bag signifier, my repeated socks wearing would definitely get me in trouble.

# posted by douchebag1
7:04 am April, 14 Wedgie said...

Not sure moving to Singapore is your solution. It’s illegal to chew gum there. And the douchebags have even smaller coccks.

7:33 am April, 14 UFO Destroyers said...

I thought his shirt was referring to his peepee. He must have been a great conversationalist since you are sitting around reading the Physicians Desk Reference. I guess he was trying to explain Mr. Lazy to you and why the drug interactions were causing a state of flacidness. Could it be, that in his country, goats (not goatse) and sheep are the preferred dating choice.

7:46 am April, 14 Medusa Oblongata said...

More Dork than Douche.

7:47 am April, 14 Medusa Oblongata said...

I thought jilted women weren’t allowed to use this forum as a place to rag on their exes. Unless their exes smelled like AXE and wore Ed Hardy all day. Jus’ sayin….

7:50 am April, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Run Heather but you cannot hide from med student sleeper cell terrorist Jafar. He just declared an unholy Jihad on you like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v/PLZUWfC0L8Y&feature=related.

7:57 am April, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Quit jerking me around youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLZUWfC0L8Y&feature=related

8:16 am April, 14 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

Look, this guy may or may not be a douchebag. It’s hard to say, and we don’t have much evidence either way. Yes, that hand gesture is questionable, and the shirt is kinda stupid. But I don’t really see it as an auto douche signifier, nor do I see repeat shirt wearing as a bag qualifier. I’m sure I wear my favorite tshirt too much, although it is blank and doesn’t say anything stupid.

My diagnosis: Heather is a a bit of a bleeth herself, and is unclear on the concept of “douchebaggery.” I think she is under the impression that being a slob or having a poor fashion sense equates to “douchebag.” While these are not desirable traits, I wouldn’t be surprised if Heather unwittingly pops up in a future picture with a full-blown scarf-clad hipsterbag who has “style.”

8:17 am April, 14 Goldimocks said...

Is he looking at me or is he looking at the guy behind me? Definitely writing Eye underneath Mr. Lazy is the route I would have taken as well. This reader mail is weaksauce unless she gave more reasons then this guy wearing the same shirt twice a week. I’m sure he was lazy in the relationship as well and that’s probably the real reason she moved to Singapore, that or she’s in to strict discipline for minor infractions.
.
Agree with Medusa, this dude is not douchey enough to gripe about here unless you’re leaving out some major dets DB1. I wear my “Colorado: How’s Your Aspen” shirt at least once a week, and one of my plants died, but you don’t see me writing in. (Commenting doesn’t count as writing in.)

8:20 am April, 14 jonezy said...

oh snap DB1!!!
.
You couldn’t resist that softball setup. Good stuff though.
.
I survived Vegas, however, my wallet did not.
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Fortunately, I did not see a single douchebag while there.
.
However, this is a result of years of training where I only see Hot Chicks and my eyes completely glance over every instance of a male. It’s a benefit from many years as a lifeguard.
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I quite literally spent 3-4 hours one night moving from one end of the Cosmopolitan casino to the bar at the other end, watching all the amazing talent filter through. It was splendid. I would highly recommend it.

8:21 am April, 14 Goldimocks said...

@memphis 421, agree with your bleeth diagnosis of Heather if this pic and those three sentences are the only things she sent in.

8:24 am April, 14 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

…and Medusa’s right. This is a vindictive ex airing dirty laundry.. Heather vaguely knows that guys are generally afraid of being classified as “douches” but doesn’t really grasp the significance of the accusation. Even if this guy is incidentally a dbag, heather’s tag doesn’t seem to be in the true spirit of our mission. I bet she got to this site by googling “douchebag,” not through any independent baghunting acumen.

8:30 am April, 14 Rick Derris said...

He’s a fucking dickhead douche.

8:36 am April, 14 george said...

I visit this site a few times a year and it makes me want to kill myself. I don’t know how the narrator does it all year. But good on you and keep fighting the good fight.

8:44 am April, 14 Boner said...

Sometimes I have a lazy boner….or is that a limp dick?

8:44 am April, 14 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Come to me and with me, Heather.

9:05 am April, 14 DarkSock said...

Actually, George, DB1 has in fact scheduled his suicide later this fall, so enjoy while you can. I will now go stick my head in an oven. An electric oven.

9:13 am April, 14 Tanath said...

you know, after reading the post and the comments, i kind of don’t think the picture should run…i mean, i agree with what people are saying about her being more bleeth than he is douche, and giving your ex a hard time is no reason to to upset the douche to bleeth ratio on this site…

it is your job, DB1, to filter out the bleeth that would taint what you and your loyals have done here, for if we start catering to the bleeth, is there not a chance that we ourselves may become douche? if the douche can turn the sweet into bleeth, could not the bleeth turn the educated and employed into douche? you are the gate keeper, the final defense against heather and her pro bleeth cohorts…

and besides, shirts with dogs on them are funny…it says mr. lazy and he’s sleeping in a hammock! comedic gold…

9:23 am April, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

Heather get’s an auto-douchette for this submission. I’m willing to bet this relationship was over way before she broke up with him.
.
Who’s the real douchebag in this scenario? and how does one just up and move to Singapore or any other place on the Asian continent.

9:56 am April, 14 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

If this guy is a douche then just about everyone that I hung out with during my undergrad years was a raging douche. I think Mr. White will back me up on this one. Heather sweetie, I hate to break it to you but HE”S A NERD! A GEEK! SOME SORT OF SCIENCE OR ENGINERDING MAJOR! Most of us are lucky to even remember to get dressed in the morning. We have nadirously low social skills and when good looking women (not necessarily you) talk to us we get flustered and start stammering about things like Debeye-Huckel theory or how cool it was that the answer to problem #2 on our E&M homework was able to be simplified by taking the Fourier Transform of the initial function. Leave the guy alone. He probably only has 5 t-shirts in his closet.

10:00 am April, 14 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Mr. Lazy: Look my picture is not next to the definition of Douchebag in the dictionary!!! Now how do you spell whore?

12:22 pm April, 14 jonezy said...

i think everyone just needs to settle down about whether he is a douche or not and just accept the fact the DB1 desperately wanted to make that funny.
.
if you look at it like that, you just don’t get a chance like this everyday
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(see where I went with that? look! hyuck hyuck)

10:41 pm April, 14 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Good on ya, Heather, for taking some autonomy in this situation..

12:08 am April, 15 Guid is Good said...

Your loss Heather. I think he’s got his own call centre now.

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