Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Afflicted Gnome

The Afflicted Gnome asks you not to mock his affliction. Which is halitosis. And a bad credit score.

So rather than restructure his debt, he’ll stare at some sexy bar wench boobosity.

Speaking of bar wench boobosity…

For those of us who fantasize about cigarette stained breath, a husky Kathleen Turner voice, social maladjustment and anger issues, and a heartbreaking tendency to ignore us and flirt with every bartender who doesn’t smile when serving them their Blue Moon, here’s my gift to you: Jolene The Boozy Bar Wench Hott.

She will break you.

# posted by douchebag1
1:40 pm April, 6 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

The way she holds her smoke is the same way she will snip his testicles and tell him he is not a man-

The tube top reminds him of his mother

1:43 pm April, 6 The Reverend Chad From Rehab said...

Wow. I think those two are in here with me like this guy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSgG5M6ANn8.

1:47 pm April, 6 The Reverend Chad From Rehab said...

I mean http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=@TVooUHN7j4.

1:48 pm April, 6 The Reverend Chad From Rehab said...

I mean http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TVooUHN7j4.

1:52 pm April, 6 The Reverend Chad From Rehab said...

Then this fuck came in for a pep talk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-AXTx4PcKI.

2:05 pm April, 6 Southern Scrotic said...

Is that her tattooed on his neck?

2:12 pm April, 6 soy bomb said...

She…is…AHHHSUUUMMME!!!!1!1!11!!
.
.
.
He looks like the lead singer from failed niche “rocker” outfit Alien Ant Farm.

2:21 pm April, 6 Wedgie said...

^No he’s from their tribute band, Alien Crab Farm.

2:22 pm April, 6 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

While it is rare that the remake is better than the original, Barfly 2011 has potential.

2:22 pm April, 6 Wedgie said...

And I would have her tattooed on my neck, and my dick, too.
She can even smoke while she fucks me. I know I will be.

2:28 pm April, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

His look says maybe “I can smell your pussy from here and I wish I couldn’t.” or “gnome can have more gruel before Gnome put leather mask back on?” I’m not sure which disturbs me more.

2:29 pm April, 6 Vin Douchal said...

I don’t know, dudes, she looks kind of dangerous to me.
.
And by dangerous I mean peel the skin off yer dick, snap your back at L-4/L-5 , bite/hickey the Preamble to U.S. Declaration of Independence on your neck and knock you both off the bed out of the room down the stairs and end up in the garage under the ’78 GMC pickup during one of her 7 orgasm quickies when you arrive home for lunch hour.
.
I dunnoh …

2:33 pm April, 6 Rolling Mocks said...

Dude looks challenged, so it will be hard for me to mock him…without using the word retard.
.
Chick does not look healthy, but I guess that doesn’t matter if she’s smokin’ your pole and her cigarette at the same time, ventriloquist-style. Yeah I’m not really sure how it works so don’t ask me to splain it, I don’t smoke cigarettes.
.
Love your enthusiasm, Soy Bomb. Way to keep it real.

2:51 pm April, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Vin
.
I’m not so sure. She looks more like “my gnarled up snatch has more things living in it than a Brazilian rain forest and most of them can kill you with just one bite but you better watch out for the the tar-encrusted lung biscuits I’ll be heaving up all over your tent pole if I can be bothered to go down on you unless you support my black tar heroin habit first before I take your wallet and get some more shitty ink” kinda girl to me.
.
Just sayin’…

3:11 pm April, 6 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

That bar wench has seen things we can scarcely imagine. Horrible, malignant things from the bottom of sleeping R’lyeh which would gleefully rend our flabby minds asunder in our darkest collective nightmares. We all know this, and knowing, we’d all probably still nail her if given half a chance. Knowing all the while she’d just text her aunt Skeeter and nurse a menthol Camel, oblivious to it all.

I saw this in a porn once.

3:13 pm April, 6 Dolly Parton said...

I hate them itty bitty titties. Ya know what I mean ya’ll. I also hate Katy Perry. Lady Gaga, Celine, Cheryl Crow. Mitt Romney, Scientology, Mormonism, Quannza, The fact that 4 of the 6 characters on Friends were fucking Jews for no reason, Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, The Baldwins, loud motorcycles, lawn mowers, snowblowers, leaf blowers, gas trimmers, humidity, blowhards, bandanas, cigarette whores, William Shatner, Eric Bana, Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Jimmy Kimmel, Rob Schneider, Jay Leno, The View, …………everything else to ya homos. And kale.

3:17 pm April, 6 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

He has a tattoo of her face on his neck. And coincidentally, he has a tattoo of her pussy on his pussy.

3:20 pm April, 6 Banana Hammock said...

Gnome: “Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?”
Jolene The Boozy Bar Wench Hott: “Of course you may”
Gnome: [after a pause, and with relief] “Thank you.”

3:23 pm April, 6 Banana Hammock said...

She could give you Lung to Prostate cancer by convection…

4:20 pm April, 6 G said...

Yikes, she is scary…I wouldn’t even fuck her with Chazz Bono’s dick…

4:34 pm April, 6 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

@ Dolly 3:13

I kinda like where you’re goin’ with this. Could you put your post to the music of Billy Joel’s ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’, and post the music for us?

4:41 pm April, 6 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

Oh, and Hey!
Is that the skull-n-crossbones above her tits ( or on her chest) as a necklace? Does that signify ‘Don’t Fuck With ME, Fuck’?
.
And then what’s just above her Bush/Beave/Love Hole? It’s kinda shiny like brass knuckles, it’s kinda detailed like a trap you never wanna put your wanker in… WTF is it?

6:16 pm April, 6 DayGloGuido said...

The sheer complexity of how he’d go about trying to get Melinda to leave with him, much less pose without leaning towards the fire escape whilst doing it paints a truly vivid picture on poor Pervis’ face

“I wonder how many pipes I’d have to give her before her eyes started to shut…”

followed by

“Dude, this chick has probably done just as many rocks as you in her time”

7:04 pm April, 6 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I was going to try to come up with something, but I got up early today and just had a few beers, so I’ll just repost Dr. Bunsen’s comment cause I agree!
.
I’m not so sure. She looks more like “my gnarled up snatch has more things living in it than a Brazilian rain forest and most of them can kill you with just one bite but you better watch out for the the tar-encrusted lung biscuits I’ll be heaving up all over your tent pole if I can be bothered to go down on you unless you support my black tar heroin habit first before I take your wallet and get some more shitty ink” kinda girl to me.

7:13 pm April, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m gonna get on that train as well, if nobody minds….
.
I’m not so sure. She looks more like “I wasn’t treated well in high school because I had a slight overbite and weighed ten pounds too much to make the cheerleading squad so I developed a crippling fear and hatred of other women and spiraled into a morass of abusive relationships and anorexia before realizing that if I put out a lot I’d get some attention, and of course I needed bigger tits because my face and personality weren’t enough, or so I thought, and had to become a pole dancer to pay the bills, now I’m totally living this persona of a vicious maneater who will break your heart and ruin your life when really I’m as tough as jello, I still get shit on by everyone I meet and my drinking is getting way out of control” kinda girl to me.
.
I know the type.

7:20 pm April, 6 MoeDouche said...

She looks like the kinda girl who would use her snatch as an ashtray in bed.

8:01 pm April, 6 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Film noir gone douche is the raison d’etre for the opener, “It was a dark and stormy night.”
And big boobs. Extremely big boobs.

8:02 pm April, 6 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Blondes only have more fun when they’re half dressed in black leather and smokin’.

8:13 pm April, 6 Alf Stewart said...

This flamin galah is punching far above his weight.

9:11 pm April, 6 ehcuodouche said...

That tatt is freakin me out. Glad I didn’t drop acid before logging in.

9:38 pm April, 6 DarkSock said...

I didn’t know Ed Hardy® was franchising oncology wards now…

9:38 pm April, 6 DarkSock said...

She looks like the kind of girl that would use her snatch to throttle lampreys.
qew

9:40 pm April, 6 DarkSock said...

She looks like the kind of girl that would use her snatch to slobber-box English Bulldogs.

9:40 pm April, 6 DarkSock said...

She looks like the kind of girl that would use her snatch as a purse.

9:41 pm April, 6 DarkSock said...

She looks like the kind of girl that would use her snatch to encapsulate Plinky’s Mom; like a greedy orangutan mouthing a chunk of over-ripe banana.

9:43 pm April, 6 DarkSock said...

She looks like the kind of girl that would use her snatch to incubate hippopotamus fetuses (fetii?). Or cast dentures for them:
ewt

9:44 pm April, 6 DarkSock said...

She looks like the kind of girl that would use her snatch as the Clown in a Viking Yogurt Rodeo.

9:50 pm April, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Gimme a break. Rich popular prom queen all the way. Every tattoo on her body was paid for with daddy’s credit card, who’s crying at home wondering how he failed at life. at most she panhandled on Hollywood for a week with her junkie boyfriend to gain some street cred … At least in her head. Once she realizes she actually needs to provide something of value (beyond working at a boutique) to afford regular stylings, she’ll marry a realtor and go Catholic or something.

9:52 pm April, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Medusa, we really need to do a brainstorm session at some point.

10:52 pm April, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Seriously guys, this woman has allthe real life experience of a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. What has DB1 been saying about cultural signifiers? She’s got them in spades. All perfectly arranged like it took her hours in a professional salon to perfect.
Oh wait. You’re talking about the one on the left. Well her too.

11:25 pm April, 6 Guid is Good said...

I think that looking at that Bleeth has given me herpes over the wireless network. Is that even possible??

1:30 am April, 7 tall guy said...

She does look kinda grim, doesn’t she? I mean, driven by fear, heaps of phoney attitude, and clearly will pay undying attention to the “man” who pays her the least attention. I’ve never liked this type. They’re boringly transparent, entirely predictable and, generally, inept in bed.

4:27 am April, 7 Troy Tempest said...

come on people, snap out of it – a bleeth is a bleeth is a bleeth. she’s a female douchebag – every bit as reprehensible as the pukestain she’s sitting with.

5:25 am April, 7 Maxim Kovalenko said...

@Troy Tempest
Thank you for knocking some sense into the room.
People, we are talking about a total Skankasaurus Rex here, and don’t you forget it.

6:39 am April, 7 Dolly Parton said...

She looks like the kind of girl that needs a bucket of scrap thrown in her box for friction.

7:13 am April, 7 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Jolene isn’t the sort of girl you take home to mom. In fact, you don’t take her to your home at all. You go to her place, and slip out at dawn, and drive in such a way that you can shake a tail, ’cause she’s got stalker written on her.
.
Son.

10:26 am April, 7 Jeff said...

Oh man, thank you, thank you all. I started the day with a migraine that hurt so much it made me puke (which didn;t do wonders for the already-exploding head, I can assure you), but the comments posted here made me laugh and I definitely feel better. On most sites, the posted comments make me wonder when the education system was abolished, but this site not only gives me hope, it makes me laugh and makes me feel better, too. Thank you all.

6:00 pm April, 7 The Reverend Chad in Rehab Jonesing said...

^Live in Peace. Son. God is watching.

8:23 pm April, 7 anthony morrison said...

On most sites, the posted comments make me wonder when the education system was abolished, but this site not only gives me hope.

9:38 pm April, 7 Stephanie said...

She’s taking the short bus people out for night around town.

7:27 am April, 8 Anonymous said...

The Afflicted Gnome could fix his little Halitosis problem in one of two ways. He can either stop picking at his ass, or he can stop biting his nails.

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11:18 pm April, 11 virility ex said...

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8:30 pm April, 13 appointment setting said...

That can be one of the wonder when the education system was abolished, but this site not only gives me hope.

1:41 pm January, 28 Sarah Wilson said...

I think that looking at that Bleeth has given me herpes over the wireless network. Is that even possible??

1:42 pm January, 28 Sarah Wilson said...

Thank you all. nice infos

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