Thursday, May 26, 2011

A Scrotal Wrinkle in Time: A White Paper By Jacques Doucheteau

HCwDB Comments Thread Regular (and overall deeply disturbed person) Jacques Doucheteau delivers a scientific dissection concerning the Unbearable Slightness of Douching. Take it away, Jacques:

The laws of causality dictate, as Hume defined, that “cause and effect must be contiguous in space and time”, and that “there must be a constant union betwixt the cause and effect.”  This particular scrote ridden scene as subject of our exploration of causality as a product of existential determinism can best be explained by using the Einstein-Minkowski light cone in special relativity as a model.

The frame of reference within the picture is a snapshot in time.  A single event of pudwankery as viewed by the casual observer much akin to a flash of light on the three-dimensional plane of present spacetime.  Just as a flash of light spreads out through space over the course of time, best imagined as a four-dimensional cone spreading out into the future from the singularity of the event in the present, past occurrences contract in radius until it converges to a point at the exact position and time of the event.

What past events led to the exact circumstances, or cause and effect, of this captured flash of douchey light; and what does the hyperbolic partial differential of its effect have on future events?

For instance, A vast array of materials and actions stemming from the organization of hydrogen atoms over billions of years into base elements and indeed the organic matter and ingenuity that labored to create the complex electronics of the twice used DJ mixer.  Following the event is it’s opposing future of being traded for an X-box, years of sitting in a pawn shop, and eventually being broken down into scrap metal to be re-manufactured into countless iPhones’ circuitry.

Just our viewing of the image, and the rage we experience seeing yet another pair of shoulder nuzzle cuties forever sullied, alters the causal relationship of events within and indeed expands the sphere of this specific event’s influences.

One can’t help but contemplate the complicated history of the mini grow room venting into the neighbor’s back yard, and even the recently empty drink perched upon it, and their equally complex futurity of floating mold and narc unit raids.  Mandana Dave’s strep infested Long Island Iced Tea and tongue.  Mandi’s heroin arms and unnaturally contorted neck.  The malnutrition forcing Kristi to frantically suck the nutrients from Mandana Dave’s infected ingrown hair.

The mind boggles.

– Jacques

# posted by Bagnonymous
11:03 am May, 26 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Are we sure Jacques is not John Kerry??

11:05 am May, 26 Vin Douchal said...

If you stare at this photo long enough you can feel your brain cells dying

11:15 am May, 26 Banana Hammock said...

And yet another contribution to the Scrotatrope in all of it’s spacetime glory
.
(glory-hole that is)…

11:20 am May, 26 tall guy said...

Look, before I comment I want to apologise to any of my fellow ‘Bagsters who choose to wear the cap’n’wraparound sunnies combo as seen on douche in front. But my local observations (notoriously unreliable even under optimum conditions) indicate this UV filtering device to be primary douche accessory # 1 – albeit running equal with toughguy tatts, birdshit shirt, overly worked hairstyle, 10lb watch… But you get my point. Agree? Disagree? Discuss?

11:23 am May, 26 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Mandi looks like she might be kinda cute… at least for now, until the sun turns her skin into saddle leather. I would gently rub SPF 120 between her toes and dab zinc oxide onto her labia while furtively questioning her about the exact day her little sister turns 18.

11:27 am May, 26 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Jacques
.
True dat. But which side of the event horizon are you on?

11:29 am May, 26 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^and if you don’t know. Are you being infinitely stretched? Son.

11:39 am May, 26 Et Tu Douche? said...

I almost feel smarter for just having read this. I’m gonna trust that Jacques knows of what he writes and say well done sir, well done.
.
I’m still trying to figure what that headless like yoda figure, peering out of blinds, in the background is doing in this pic.

11:40 am May, 26 Mandouchian Candidate said...

WTF is AIDS-tongue drinking? MEN do not drink anything red. At least not that red. Much in this picture disturbs me: The mandana, the visor, the shitty apartment, whatever that is behind the green glass, and most importantly that neither of these two taint stains mom’s had the courtesy about 22 years ago to either take it in the crapsky or at least drink heavily enough throughout pregnancy to make sure these two didn’t make it into the world. Fuck these guys. And girls. No pity for any slut that responds positively to these guys vibe.

11:51 am May, 26 tall guy said...

Oh, thanks to Mandouchian Candidate I just noticed douche in front is actually wearing a visor. Hmm, this changes things. Local observations indicate visor wearing to be the sole cause of homelessness, unemployment and laziness. Basically, if you’re wearing a visor you’re just not trying hard enough.

11:58 am May, 26 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Ed Normous celibates his turn to play with the giant slinky and drink the cactus juice. Yeah, they take turns every 5 minutes, and every 20 minutes Ed celibates like he just got his first hand job. This can go on for days.

12:02 pm May, 26 Hermit said...

This premise of Jacques treatise gives clarity to the events leading up to an occurrence which took place under the crawl space of my hovel.
A diseased and feverish opossum, in his last act of desperation found his way under my house, causing a foul and malodorous stench to waft up through the floor and cause a week of discomfort and anxiety.
It is reassuring to know that this was a result of a random chain of events, and not some form of divine punishment for my egregious, serial masturbation and habitual drug abuse.
Oddly, I found the expired creature curled up beside the remains of my ex-wife and deceased uncle, (whose social security and pension checks I’m still cashing.)

12:08 pm May, 26 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Hermit- i think they did an episode of Charles in Charge about that same type of scenario. Only it was revealed that Buddy Lembeck wasn’t dead at all, he just wished he was and smelled of bukkake and Meister Brau and was too drunk to come up the stairs to all the pedophilia he should have been doing in the first place.

12:13 pm May, 26 Southern Scrotic said...

And no boobies.

1:07 pm May, 26 Claude Douchenbagger said...

Unfortunatley like radio waves hurling out into infinitude, so too is this image.

2:00 pm May, 26 Nancy Dreuche said...

Wait, who am I supposed to be jealous of? Oh yeah, I’m jealous of the person who never had to lay eyes upon these four. Fuck you whoever you are who isn’t reading this! Nice write up Jacques. My mind was blown on multiple planes (United and Southwest respectively.)

2:13 pm May, 26 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Yes, nice writeup. 2 dip shits, 2 suck sluts, and perhaps yoda or an amadillo keeping watch out the back door. Anyone ever figure out what that is and why it isn’t in a pillowcase in some dudes hand beating the shit out of these 4?

9:22 pm May, 26 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Thanks, Jaques Doucheau, for explaining this in the manner of process theology. And that douchewad in the front, he must be a doucheable reincarnation of ANWhitehead, it’s so obvious.

5:08 am May, 27 Collaz B. Popped said...

Yeah,,,this photo is malodorous.

Great job to all those who helped hold down the fort while DB1 gets flagellated.

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