Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Does This Look Infected? (Medusa Oblongata Editorial)

And now we have a public service message from our very own Bubonic Gorgonic, the loverly Medusa Oblongata:

Douchal infection, we posit here at HCWDB, starts at the very core.

Like a rot, it spreads slowly from the inside, killing all that is good and alive and pure, blackening like a mold, decaying, necrotizing what it intercepts. What happens, then, when this parasitic intruder reaches the surface of its host?

So begins the changes to the exterior, the addition of what are known the adouchetrements. However, mere accessories belie the sinister nature of this malady. For here we see true douche as manifested in lesions of the skin. Huge patches of nonsensical skin irritations that indicate the level to which the internal infection has progressed. In this case, severely. Even across the belly of this beast, we can see the warning that he reeks of cheese.

And woe, to you, Jennifer-Love-Hewitt-in-a-blonde-wig-hott, and your friend Jenny McCarthy hott. For your proximity to this specimen imperils your own bodies. Boobytanheart is already evident, as is excessive hair bleaching. The answer to this scourge is not to pose with these ass clowns, but to get naked, rub one’s self in protective liniments, and arm one’s self with a flame thrower.

The smell will be horriffic, but the salvation of bubble boobie hotts is worth any price. We here at HCWDB are happy to assist any and all succle thigh hotties with training, specifically the part about the rubdowns with protective liniments.

# posted by Bagnonymous
9:06 am May, 18 Vin Douchal said...

Where’s a good alien abduction/probe when you need it?
.
These people are gross. Medusa hit the nail on the head. Now someone needs to use the same hammer on this guy, preferably with the claw side

9:15 am May, 18 mr.reeve said...

Nice Medusa. As soon as I saw the white sunglasses and boobs I knew this pic was a winner. This is a classic example of the Vegas Motobag Taintster.

9:18 am May, 18 Hermit said...

From our very own Devine Miss M.
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F#@kin’ awsome

9:23 am May, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

Boobytanheart ftw! Nice Medusa. What’s up with Greg in the far right corner? Hey Greg, don’t get too close or you’ll have a tattoo on your nutsack in no time.

9:35 am May, 18 DarkSock said...

Todd learned a hard lesson about fisting lawn mowers.

9:36 am May, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Medusa
.
Serious question: What is your professional opinion on all these “Ink” shows (Miami Ink, Las Vegas Ink, Muskogee Ink, etc) and the people on them? Just curious.

9:37 am May, 18 Banana Hammock said...

After staring at the quad of tits for a minute (or three), I glanced in a mirror and realized that my hat spun sideways, I grew a tattoo and I now smell a concoction of Axe and dung….
.
help!

9:44 am May, 18 Duck, duck, douche said...

Inka, dinka, bottle of used Astroglide

9:49 am May, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Here’s to necrotizing fasciitis never being cured. That is unless you count Plinky’s mom as a cure.

9:54 am May, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

Oh and uh solid Bette Midler reference Hermit.

9:56 am May, 18 creature said...

i’m sure ‘arm yourself with a flamethrower’ is code for ‘grab creature’s enthusiastic member & throttle ’til it spews hot lava over your taut-tanned-tummies’
..i’ve always been good at breaking broadspeak code

10:19 am May, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Book of Herpi.

10:45 am May, 18 creature said...

I spy the drop zone for a Cleveland Steamer

11:36 am May, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Dr. BHD 9:36
Gah….I’m torn over the whole thing. On the one hand, and I’ll start with the positive first, it’s made tattooing a household thing, ya knows. My mom used to admonish me about my work, embarrassed to tell her friends what I did for a living. Now it’s all like, “My daughter is a tattoo artist, just like Ami James on TV!” Pretty much the rule is, if you put it on TV, people will embrace it as good and emulate it. That has opened up my range of clientele another good 25%, because now they’ll have the approval of friends and family, ’cause tattooing is cool, it’s on TV! That, and people don’t react quite so poorly to the idea of female tattoo artists now that Kat Von D is arguably the most famous tattoo artist on earth, only to non-tattoo artists, of course. Once upon a time, men would get up out of my chair as I was about to begin and say no way were they getting tattooed by a girl. Feh. People still think I’m just the shop bitch/secretary/one of the guys’ girlfriend, but people don’t run from me like a bat out of hell when they find out I’ll be doing the work, and I grudgingly have Kat to thank for that.
.
The downside is much longer than the upside, however. What with the clientele opening up more, you have a lot more people getting tattoos that shouldn’t. People who are too high-strung, indecisive, squirmy, scared, and/or stupid to get tattoos, are getting tattoos. So now we’re dealing with people who cannot handle any aspect of this, don’t follow directions, shit their pants over every microscopic flaw in the damn tattoo, and there’s always at least one no matter how good you are, haggle over price like this is a fucking flea market…..The list goes on and on. It’s easier to tattoo a huge dagger on a sailor than to deal with an uptight soccer mom who’s getting the tiny daisy on her ankle, and makes a five minute tattoo into a three hour ordeal.
.
The other downside is that a lot of people are now getting into tattooing that shouldn’t. People who totally suck at it, have no desire to learn, won’t be told anything by anyone who does know, and think because they bought a kit off of Ebay and tattooed names on their friends, that they’re now qualified. Not to mention that people don’t realize that this is a job and it requires discipline and dedication. Little assholes think this is a big fucking party. We work late into the night, weekends, holidays. We get no insurance, benefits, and if no one walks in the door, we don’t get paid. And these little cunts come in and cry and whine because they don’t want to mop floors and scrub toilets. Guess what. Thirteen years in and every day I still scrub a fucking toilet and mop the floor. And if I ever get to the point where I think I’m too good for that, I hope my arm gets chopped off and I have to quit.
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This environment is a lot like a construction site; it’s a bunch of big, goony guys busting balls, making blow job jokes and tormenting each other. I’ve become a real hard man because of all this. The laws of sexual harrassment do not apply here. We’ve had some of the aforementioned soccer moms call back and bitch that we were using fowl language in the shop. Well, guess what, they do it at LA ink, too, they just have to censor it. Go to church if you wanna hear the songs of angels, you twit. Most people coming in to the business now are a bunch of sappy art-douches who bristle at coarse humor and can’t take a joke. They get all cunty when you pick on them and they don’t realize what it means to just bust balls and have fun. They have the broomstick of their own greatness so far up their butts they can’t even breathe.

I could keep going, but I sense you stopped reading some time ago.

11:38 am May, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ Foul. Jeebus.

12:01 pm May, 18 Duck, duck, douche said...

Ms. O as a purveyor of many multiple hour drill session I for one would like to say thank you, but not just to the ink slingers but every poor schmuck working a shit job with no benefits into the wee hours of the morning. And in the immortal words of Mr T. Durden, “We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances, we guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us.”

Gracias

12:29 pm May, 18 Douche Springsteen said...

@ Medusa
The last time I was in for a session, a middle aged guy, probably in the grips of a mid-life crisis, came in looking to get tattooed. He wanted (and I am not making this up) the BMW logo on his body. Like the aforementioned soccer mom in your post, what should have been a simple 20 minute in-n-out job took 2 hours from the time he entered the shop to the time he left. First he couldn’t decide where to put it. He kept insisting it needed to be in a place that could be hidden. When the bicep was suggested, he dismissed it as being “too visible”. I’m not sure what soul-soliciting pig-fucking corporate office considers wife beaters casual dress, but that’s beside the point. So he opts for his ankle (?!) and then bitches that the design was smudged when the transfer was applied to his skin. It took the artist 5 minutes of explaining that it would not look like that once it was finished, that the transfer always smears when applied to the skin. Then before the needle even touched his skin he was grimacing and kept repeating “oh I can’t look, I can’t look”. Not that we needed any more proof that this guy’s balls were probably resting squarely in his wife’s purse, at one point during the process he remarked about how his wife was going to make him sleep on the couch for a week when he came home with a tattoo.
So I totally get what you’re saying how the explosion of tattoo culture in more mainstream media is a double-edged sword. One thing they do need to educate the public about on those shows though is that it is NOT okay to grab someone’s arm to get a better look at their art.

12:40 pm May, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Medusa
.
No, I didn’t stop reading. In fact, just the opposite. I only asked the question to confirm my ideas about what shop life and the clientele were like. The stuff on TV seems all a little too scripted and I think, as you say, some of the people on these shows are cunts. If I ever happen to be in your neck of the woods (or God forbid you are in mine) I’d be more than honored to get a tatt from you. AND not bitch about it not being perfect (he he). Thanks.

12:42 pm May, 18 DarkSock said...

I want a Broomstick of Greatness.
.
Right now I have the Mop of Iniquity.

12:55 pm May, 18 Crucial Head said...

@M.O.
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I usually only stop reading your comments when my Kleenex is full. Then, after a brief nap, I’m usually good to go for the second half.
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Just thought I’d let you know. You’re doing The Lämp’s work. And for that, ye shalt be blessed.

1:08 pm May, 18 DarkSock said...

I wish Lämp and FLYTEAEHTE would do a post…

2:13 pm May, 18 DoucheyWallnuts said...

This picture could be subtitled, “If I Pick It Will It Ooze?”

3:10 pm May, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

Thanks, gang, I am over the moon to have finally written a front page. And I’m extra-pleased that DarkSock chose to make my font match my writhing mane of snakes. Bless you, dear boy.

3:29 pm May, 18 creature said...

MO
do you have a writhing mane of snakes in your basement? enquiring minds need the imagery to, uhm, complete unspeakable exercises!

3:35 pm May, 18 Wedgie said...

I will chip in some fun tickets if Sock wants to get his motto tattooed on his johnson.
Just sayin’.
But I think if you have a woodrow that says “I peed in a horse once”, girls are never gonna get tired of asking you to show it to their friends.
Which could be a lot of fun, if they look like these porn stars, errr, girls. But not if they are the ones in the next two pics.

3:37 pm May, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

The carpet does NOT match the curtains, Creatch. However, I still have vagina dentata, and I guess that’s worse.

4:20 pm May, 18 Wedgie said...

Wow, snake hair and a dick-chewing vag. I knew there was a reason I liked you M.
That is evolution at its finest. Chicago locals better behave.

9:43 pm May, 18 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Her boobs are so far apart, the landing strip is in the upper valley, so confusing to a douchebag.

2:42 am May, 20 Collaz B. Popped said...

Her boobs are so far apart, they have different colored nipples.

Sux to see all these “Bmw – too – visible- corporate- daisy- socceer- Moms – frat boys” turning the real tat world into a flea market atmosphere…..inevitable with the douche factor at its highest register in society these days.

12:29 pm May, 20 DouchYouWannaDance said...

Blond on the left: Dayyy-um

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