Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Douchebag of the Week: Chimpy McWhack

Chimpy McWhack celebrates a far (poo) flung celebration as he runs away with the Big Banana.

Ultra Bagnus writes: Chimpy runs away with it this week…. hopefully, right into a wood chipper.

Troy Temptest testifies: It all goes to Chimpy. His hott looks like she’s thinking “When I stand up I’m going to walk in front of a bus because I can’t stand the shame or smell of this twat-waffle.”  And Chimpy? He’s there with the flingin’ blingin’ smirky douchetude.  What an asshole.  Chimpy FTW.

Grand Douchemeister adds: I’ve got to go with Chimpy. There’s a certain ambivalence to his douchiness that isn’t defined in legal terms.  The hair is offensive, but not outrageous.  The shirt is designer douche, but not Ed Hardy.  The kissy lips exist, but are combined with a smirk.  I feel as if this chameleon douche is more a threat than the obvious pudwacks that pop up from time to time. He’s the enemy within, a Machurian Douche Candidate.”
Coming in a distant second is Ball State Kevin.

A semi-lucid Reverend Chad opines:  My vote must go to the horrid Kevin, hot Kelli and Sauder Woodworking because they are all hard to put together. Suck it Sauder and your left handed cams. To which I would add: “Son”.

Hermit adds his valiant-yet-futile vote for B.S.K:  Ball state Kevin is a study in paradox. He’s just a little slow, but not afraid show affection. Has had persistent acne since thirteen, but always cleans his room after an epileptic episode. He graduated at the top of his special ed class, yet has difficulty with seemingly simple concepts. Voted employee of the month at Arby’s® two consecutive months and was able to balance a pet iguana and strep throat without losing his focus on the important things in life like family, friends and community.”

Vin Douchal adds: Ball State Kevin and Party Girl Kelly FTW because this behavior all seems so normal if you’ve never gone further than the local Win-Dixie and your idea of fun is wrestling pigs in a mudhole. Soooo-wee !

Jimmy Pud spanks in a very close third.

Scooby Douche writes: The biggest douche here is Jimmy Pud, what with the tats, the silly hair and the monster watch. Adding weight to my vote is that Mandy is the only Hott in this Weekly not currently on anti-STD medications.

Dropping, bird-poo-like, into a distant fourth is, erm,  Bird Poo.

Douchable Helix writes: I wasn’t really paying much attention, but I vote for the brunette with the boobies and the long hair for whatever it is we’re doing. So that’s a vote for Bird Poo.  I think.

Creature says: Two big swaying fleshy reasons for me to cast my vote for bird poo….  I personally could not see his balls that clearly, but more power to ya, Creatch.

Also casting the futile opposition vote is just-escaped-from-a-stint-in-Doc’s-basement Crucial Aloysius Head, who once plied with irresponsible doses of Maker’s Mark Kentucky Mouthwash© and Ambien™,  reveals: I would seal a feral buffalo’s asshole airtight with a Simpson Rustic Series® OT strap and eat its backlogged feces as it swirls forth from its recently vacated eye sockets just for the privilege of dying of consumption and being reborn as the molten metal that was forged to make the optical image stabilizer housing the 4x zoom lens on the Canon Powershot©©™ currently focused on Sweaty Sally’s money-maker…So, that would be a vote for Bird Poo as well, I reckon.” Way to break into RevChad’s stash, my friend.  Son.

Go ape shit, Chimpy McWhack. Fire up that green banana and enjoy.  But don’t let it go to your pointy head. There are other gorillas in the mist this month.

Sir David Douchenborough takes us home on this Simian Victory Lap with the following White Paper:

When Jane Gooddall returned to continue her revolutionary work in exploring the evolutionary relationships of apes, nothing was heard from her for awhile. However, upon her return, she was frazzled, mortified, and worst yet, completely flummoxed to the point of self-resignation. Her colleagues, desperate in trying to decipher what tragedy befell her during her last expedition, queried, yet in solemn reply, she said, “In all my life and my work, I was bridging the gap between humankind and the Hominidae, yet upon seeing one, squatting near a female human and adorned in garish attire, I simply could not look away. His contorted face as if though he suffered a chromosome deletion shook me to my core as it put into question all that I have known and studied. I ask myself frighteningly the human consequences of being evolutionary related to something like this, and my conclusion was ominous. I cannot go on. I simply cannot go on.”

Then he worked Nickelback into it all somehow.  Go back and read it.  Dude’s a genious.  And shit.  And I just mispelled “genious”.  Twice.  And also “mispelled”.

DAMMIT.

# posted by Bagnonymous
10:59 pm May, 17 DarkSock said...

That was a lot of work. I can see why Boss kicked it to the curb.
.
Son.
.
But I’m fresh, and shall remain so. For about as long as 128 oz of Tuscan Whole Milk.

11:21 pm May, 17 creature said...

those were bird poos balls on sweaty sally’s chest?
dayum…that could make a boy go all cole porter

5:20 am May, 18 Ted Brogan said...

smarm (smɑːm)

—vb (often foll by down) (when intr, foll by up to)
1. to flatten (the hair, etc) with cream or grease
2. to ingratiate oneself (with)

—n
3. obsequious flattery

6:53 am May, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

Chimpy Wins The Pennant!

9:20 am May, 18 mr.reeve said...

Nothing says “I am a man!” like frosted hair with whale jizz for extra hold. For some reason I think of a poop noodle when I see this picture………

3:19 pm May, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

I cannot explain why, but I am DYING to see this kid’s parents. I keep imagining this thing like the meme facebomb thingie, both his parents have that same chimpy face….

3:33 pm May, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

YEAH. THAT’S WHAT I FUCCEN THOUGHT.
.
.
.
.
.Slooooooooooooooooooooooooow day at the office, kids….

8:11 pm May, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

Slo-Kev was robbed, he’s my newest hero.

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