Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links – Baron Von Goolo’s 94% Pure Evil Edition

All right, you neckbeards, How about a big hand for DarkSock; He works so hard, doesn’t he?

But all that pear posting has left his good arm spongy and unresponsive, so he has asked me, Baron Von Goolo, undisputed Master of Horror within the greater Portland metropolitan region, to step in and allow some of that lactic acid to drain. It’s not like I have anything better to do…oh wait, yes I do. Best get to it, shall we?

Your BVG DVD Pick of The Week: “Feels like you’ve got a real monster in there…”

The Creep is old news, but I didn’t have a soapbox to endorse it till now. Plus, four months later it’s still awesome.

Okay, okay, you got me. Seriously, Andy Samberg? As much as I love John Waters, that was pandering. So let me make it up to you by expanding your horizons with a little musical theater.

Mmmm. Culturey.

Re: Last Sunday’s CryptKeeper Pear, Wedgie asks an unanswered question: “One thing’s for sure: pear with a dead guy is still better than pear with a douchebag…New site?”
But are the great unwashed truly ready for Hot Chicks With Body Bags?

Last year’s recipient of the Von Goolo Foundation Grant for The Sciences (either Evil or Mad), Crucial Head, unveils this obscene abomination unfit for even unpolite company…THE HUMAN ALPACAPILLAR!!!

Not scared of my new Alpacapillar? Did I mention that it’s a suppository?

Less ‘horror’ than just ‘horrible,’ Memorial Day is the unofficial first day of summer and that means it’s time for us to be bored out of our skulls watching Hollywood torch the GNP of a small, third world nation on forgettable swill. If you’re half as disappointed as I am that Ryan Reynolds is going to be Green Lantern as opposed to, say, Nathan Fillion, here’s the good news: It could have been worse. A lot worse.

Not that Hollywood would know a great movie if it bit them on the ass. Or in this case, if it bit them on the ass and caused their fragile psyches to snap like toothpicks under the crushing realization that god is an octopus that doesn’t care for us hairless monkeys very much at all.

Is Vince the Slap Chop guy still relevant? I think so. Especially if you toss in a few quarts of gore and a bushel of gratuitous profanity. And there’s something about a Boston accent that makes the word “retards” even funnier.

They’re so cute when they’re asleep.

Just in time, Mr. White offers this palate cleanser of doe-eyed überhotness. Not that MAD MEN/Community sex-pixie Alison Brie is any stranger to horror. In 2008, she had a fleeting cameo in the indie horror flick, Parasomnia. The true horror is that now everyone knows that Alison Brie was in Parasomnia. BOOM! I just dropped a steaming three coiler on your Q rating, Alison Brie! Howya like me now? Maybe next time your fancy studio lawyer will remember to include the Interwebz on the restraining order. Oh yeah, he will.

Just in case Halloween is cancelled this year, you’re all invited to the party at my place on October 21st. Plenty of YooHoo and no reason to clean up. That’s a win win, behbeh.

And since you poor, deprived chuds have gone without pear for, geez, the best part of ten minutes now, here’s this week’s official perfect bottom.

Tentacle Pear.

Spank it like it spilled grape juice on the white sofa.

# posted by Bagnonymous
12:35 pm May, 27 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

Gawd! The Art that flows and flows in verse here:

Spank it like it spilled grape juice on the white sofa.

12:42 pm May, 27 tall guy said...

Tentacle Pear is hott but I am saving all my cheese for Alison Brie.

12:59 pm May, 27 DarkSock said...

Regarding Tentacle Pear:
.
Somewhere in the distant Andes there is the sound of a muffled cry, a Sherpa being swatted aside, and the clattering of hemp sandal-clad feet racing towards the ticket office of the nearest airport.

1:03 pm May, 27 DarkSock said...

I saw Baron’s DVD pick o’ the week years ago, and it was a life changing experience. As much as a film about a brain-eating parasitic slug could be.

1:05 pm May, 27 Baron Von Goolo said...

^ “to be promote her”
.
That pretty much says it all.

1:13 pm May, 27 Vin Douchal said...

I would pay for tickets to watch Baron read the phonebook on stage.

1:39 pm May, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Disturbing genius. Fascinating in it’s macbre solemnitude and calorie-free.Son.

1:39 pm May, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^macabre. Son.

1:42 pm May, 27 Collaz B. Popped said...

Brain Damage, nice BVG.

That pear is showing lots of labia.

1:44 pm May, 27 DarkSock said...

Pumpkin Slap was funny, Son.

1:50 pm May, 27 Hermit said...

I don’t get out much, so opening The Baron’s Oct 21st link was the first time I saw a picture of Harold Camping.
It looks like that dude’s been dead for several years already.
.
The dude just had it all wrong. The result of poor planning.
He should have done like that Heaven’s Gate dude with the purple robes, Hale-bopp comet, Nike® shoes and phenobarbital-laced apple sauce chased down with cheap vodka.
.
.
At least that shit got some fuckin’ results.
.
Huge props to Applewhite.
Dude knew how to plan his work and work his plan.

1:54 pm May, 27 tall guy said...

Also, a well-earned clap for that prince of square-shooters DarkSock for sauntering in and idly overseeing the post with liveliness and supreme dedication to pear. Good on you, mate!

2:10 pm May, 27 Stephanie said...

the punk Stevie Wonder and the horse face girl.

alison brie, now we’re talking hores d’oevries. son

3:21 pm May, 27 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Unhand that…wait…Untentacle that hott, or I shall go all Sith on your, ummm, ass oriface!

4:08 pm May, 27 Nancy Dreuche said...

Well the tentacle thing didn’t have a six pound watch or any stupid tatts so it gets a pass from me.

4:54 pm May, 27 ColorMeDouche said...

That pear is a trap….

5:22 pm May, 27 darksouldealer said...

yes yes yes all well and good but reading the words “del toro” and “lovecaft” together made my male nipplies go all peter north money shot with joy…if only there were a date to mark on the calendar

5:38 pm May, 27 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

That pear went way too far in the Little Shop of Horrors and is showing way too much of her Venus flytrap.

5:42 pm May, 27 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

According to the thread photo, the creepier the douchebag and the hotter the hotts, the lower the ceiling.
Now, I thought this site was about raising the ceiling of douchebag-hotchick pairing awareness.
See what a trio does instead of a pair? It’s like an extra chromosome screwing up the organism. It’s a horror right up the Baron’s alley.

7:19 pm May, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

RE: Lego Silence Of The Lambs: Baron, I have just replaced the photo of my father on the mantel with a glossy 8×10 of you.
.
I definitely like the horror-themed FTAL. Let us never lose sight of the horror that is a hottie-douchey coupling.

7:56 pm May, 27 idfma said...

Very nice, Baron, but is it so evil it floats?

8:55 pm May, 27 Baron Von Goolo said...

@ Medusa
.
Thank you, pumpkin.
.
You know, I know a guy that knows the guys that did that SOTL Musical. It’s not just that one song, you know.

9:30 pm May, 27 Troy Tempest said...

tentacle pair proves that even Cthulu needs to GET SOME once in a while.

10:20 pm May, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

Hey, BVD, Halloween is still five months away. Ease up on the preparations.
Oh wait, that’s BVG.
BVD is my underwear.
Betcha never heard that one before eh?

1:12 am May, 28 gordfurth said...

It appears his testicles have abandoned ship. His tats match those of a chode who Grieco’d his way out of Douche Eisley bagport on Scrotooine. The taint is strong with this one.

9:02 am May, 29 Michael Carabini said...

.Fans of Lucys equally mysterious ABC Family series will be happy to learn it was her stint in Rosewood that helped the 21-year-old actress land a new home in Woodsboro. Though she sometimes has a penchant for dressing old maybe its that much older boyfriend s influence? Hayden looked youthful and radiant in her bright red dress. Lucy stars in Wes Cravens latest chiller and Hollywood Crush hopped on the phone with her recently to talk all things stay tuned for that conversation next week .

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