Friday, May 20, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links with your guest host DarkSock

It is Friday here along the Gulf Coast, where we wait for the storm surge in reverse that shall soon be pulsing out of the urethral tip that crowns the turgid prong of the thick  fat Mississippi River, spewing it’s engorged payload into the sodden grotto that is the soft yielding Mississippi Sound.

The Magnolia State has, in just a half decade, endured monster hurricanes, tornado bludgeoning, Limey oil spills, 100-year river floods, fire ants and Trent Lott’s perfect helmet of hair.  And we, as a hard-working (albeit fairly obese) people, raise our hairy fists to the sky like fleshy anntenae and wail:  “O Lord…why hast Thou not visited these plagues uponst New Hampshire?  What be-eth up with that?

And yet my thoughts wander aimlessly to the fate of DB1; yea, my musing wanders much like Douchebag1 himself. He has become a Flying DoucheMan, doomed to wander the alpaca-strewn misty Peruvian Peaks, with a bow-legged sherpa named Jorge who wipes his nethers with a sweet potato-shaped pet rock named Juan Antonio Pezet; a rough twisty stone who speaks to his bent and psychotic master in an abusive guttural voice as it barks to way of that invisible yet shining path that our wandering menstrual DoucheBag1 seeks. A higher spiritual plane of atonement and Bleethe bonement, where hilarity rodhams the clinton of baggery; a journey deep into the mists of self-discovery and enlightenment.

DB1, I do not know if you are in a place where you can read this, but if you are, let me give you this message of love and support. From Big Al Pacas, the dude with the belly tatt in the “Los Homely Boys” photo above:

“Yeah, you can tell that sumbitch DB1 that he’s still into me for 5k worth of alpaca goods, and if I don’t get paid pronto then my cousin Fat Tony’s gonna be into him; namely his kneecaps. Wit’ our friend Mista Claw Hammer. Love, Big Al Pacas (sole proprietor of Organic Alpaca Nutrition – Your one-stop online store for all your llama and alpaca butchering/lubricant supplies)”.

Go deeper into the mist, Boss…wayyy deeper…

But enough about DB1’s account receivables issues; here’s your Friday links:

Your HCwDB video pick of the week, based on these two magic words – “Drill Bra”.

Your HCwDB recommended reading of the week:  Go The F*ck To Sleep.

As ruthlessly efficient as Seal Team 6 was in dispatching Eternal Douche Osama Bin Laden, they were sadly too late to save the tiny one-eyed infidel living in Bin Laden’s shorts from severe and repeated lotion-boarding sessions.

Alert Reader Mr. Scrotato Head passes along news of a Solo plastic cup plant’s closing. Could the death of the Ubiquitous Red Cup be an indicator of the tide turning in our War on DoucheBaggery?  Or is it the canary in the coal mine warning us of a downturn on partying of all kinds, fist-pumping or not?  We will track this carefully…

To Hell with pouty self-absorbed silicone-bulging bleethes who waste their fleeting youth trying to sulk like the magazine models and skeeze free drinks in clubs. I dig silly chicks.

A plea for help from long time MIA baghunter supreme BCS; namely, to help him loop his toe around the trigger of the shotgun in his mouth so he can Cobainically escape his own personal Courtney Love.  Warning:  It. Never. Ends.

Speaking of BCS, who was one of the funniest regs ever to visit the legendary comments section of this site, here’s one of his better links he shared with us. And one of the few that didn’t make you want to twist out your eyes with bleach-marinated forks.

So you’ve been invited to Baron Von Goolo’s (stolen) baby shower, but what to give the little tyke?  Why, Pikachu/Cthulhu, that soft and plushy eater of souls, of course!

Ah, Hell…as if you fugs actually read the blather above instead of scrolling straight to your just desserts; namely, Ass Pear. Hell, I’ll even save you the trouble of having to click a link. Since I can’t figure out how to do a link.

Today’s theme is an architectural one…I give to you…COLUMN ASS PEAR!  Enjoy!

EDIT:  Apparently today’s offering is Déjà vu Pear.  So, I offer you these Bonus Buttocks as penance:  Side Pear LaPlante!


# posted by Bagnonymous
1:29 pm May, 20 Wheezer said...

Osama’s porn stash included the film “Camel Toe”…..because he had a foot fetish. Who knew?
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We’ve seen Column Ass Pear before, but I’m too fuccen, uhhhhh, “preoccupied” with “mIonian” to look up where.
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Hey DS1 (aka “The Hoss”), check your Google mail – I finally saw it last night and replied…..

1:31 pm May, 20 Wheezer said...

“mIonian”? I’m such a Dor(i)c…..
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Sorry…..and you fuccen hatters are probably glad I’ve been somewhat absent now, aren’t you?

1:47 pm May, 20 Nappy Merkin said...

We have all seen the “Column Ass Pear” on this site before but back in November when it was known as the “Pillar Pear”.

1:48 pm May, 20 mr.reeve said...

Uuuhhhhh, this is posted twice or has the alternate universe crossed over??? Column pear is becoming a regular here on HCwDB. Its not HARD to see why. And you can’t spell HARD without boner….trust me…..
I am not sure how long I was supposed to listen to that drunk chick flap her lips, 30 seconds was enough for me.

1:50 pm May, 20 Banana Hammock said...

Are we rebranded “Meh Latinas with Puto’s”?
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Here we have Consuleto, Consuelo, Gordo and Lolita (prety sure she works at the Banjino Jiggily Room)

1:52 pm May, 20 Wheezer said...

Jorge has not aged well…..

1:53 pm May, 20 mr.reeve said...

Its Machete and his cousin Jesus. Speaking of Jesus isn’t he coming back tomorrow or something?

2:02 pm May, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Get running to your houses of worship. Sons. If you can’t the good Reverend will try to save you all if you lay your hands on your screens and commit you sole the good Lord our Saviour JC. The bunker is loaded up to the hoo-ha with a few months supplies and broadband,
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BCS only visited once while I’ve been commenting. He liked something I said about fucling some chick with my Jesus sized cock. He also mentioned he was having a rough time with his Mrs. and that she’d always be a cunt. He’s right.
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What do you do with an ounce of weed and a bunch of booze with 13 hours left to the end? Anal if you can.

2:02 pm May, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Son.

2:04 pm May, 20 Baron Von Goolo said...

Little Goolo loves him some Pikachu’thulhu. The animal shelter is starting to raise an eyebrow about where all those missing cats, though.

2:05 pm May, 20 Fatness said...

GET OUT YOUR FUCCEN CHECKBOOK.
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Son

2:05 pm May, 20 Baron Von Goolo said...

fuck I hate wordpress….

2:05 pm May, 20 mr.reeve said...

Word SON! Word!

2:11 pm May, 20 Anonymous said...

It’s been a Glorious Week of Witness. Son.

2:49 pm May, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Randy Savage is dead. There may not be hope for the rest of us if such a pious man can be killed by God so close to the end. Suck on it Hogan. Son.

2:53 pm May, 20 Vin Douchal said...

Insanity

2:55 pm May, 20 Hermit said...

Double-dong-alternative- universe-bizarro-parallel- solar systems-multiple-quadrant Friday thoughts and lynxes are fuccen awesome!!
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DarkSock, my man, I haven’t checked any Fry-day lynx yet but, you are to be commended and applauded for a stellar week of fun and frivolity and general debauchery.
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Sometimes The Machine wreaks unspeakable havoc, and sometimes it just reeks, but either way, it’s all good. We’ll all be dead by Saturday, but at least we’ll die with a song in our hearts and a jelly dong up our butts, it’s all good.

3:08 pm May, 20 Hermit said...

I’m still hoping for redemption if The Rev lays hands on me without any undo fondling.
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True story: I was mowing the grass and weeds around my hovel today and saw a helpless, flightless baby robin in the path of my mower and my thoughts turned to last night’s article of the Puffington Post. For a few tense moments I considered turning him into a spray of pink foam, bone fragments and feathers, but I let it ride.
My dog will probably find him and eat him tomorrow.
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.BTW @ Rev, consider renaming your publication The Tokington Post or maybe <The Kroeger Chronic-cle. Just a thought.
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I’m a little too drunk to continue.

3:25 pm May, 20 Organic Alpaca Nutrition said...

Don’t forget folks, for a limited time only, with the purchace of our new manual, The Alpaca Lover’s Guide to Satisfying Coitus, you’ll recieve, absolutely free, a twelve pack of our Lifestyles triple-sensitive ribbed condoms, lubricated with our patented llama love jelly.

3:29 pm May, 20 Mr. Belvadouche said...

How dare BCS facilitate that argument. I hate when my lady gets home and starts facilitating all types of shit

4:14 pm May, 20 Et Tu Douche? said...

Alphonse Pacas get’s a notta in my book, I’m not sure why but he does.
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I think I’ll head north and ensconce myself in the Rev’s bunker and partake of his “Supplies” and then record all his written works, utilizing an old Nakamichi Dragon, onto some left over Maxell XLII C90’s for the next generation that comes along and wonders what the fuck was going on back then.
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Hmmmmmmm!!!!!!! seen before Column Ass Pear

4:29 pm May, 20 DarkSock said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah…I thought those buttocks looked familiar…So I added some more familiar buttance: A glorious and rare profile of Ass Pear LaPlante’s hind love shelf. Enjoy, Son.

4:30 pm May, 20 Nancy Dreuche said...

First off, awesome week Mr. Sock. Kind of had the same energy as the Douchies. Manic, Asstastic and Unstoppable. You should quiit your day job.
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Go The Fuck To Sleep, looks amazing. Even though I don’t have any kids (that I know of) I’m gonna check it out.
With The Rapture and such headed our way I just wanted to say thank you for all the hours of entertainment you all have given me. (Warning: I do tend to get a little misty before every Doomsday) Hermit with his machine, Rev with his warnings about the dangers of marriage to a woman. (Worry not Rev for I am strictly dickly) Vin with his links that I’m sure if I was a heterosexual male I would consider bonerific, Medusa who always floors me with her take no prisoners mock, Stephanie who I’m pretty sure is a dude but who is hilarious none the less, and all y’all who contribute on a daily basis to make this one of the funniest sites around. And since I’m probably gonna be
one of the ones left here on earth in limbo (I cut off a matress tag in ’98) when this shit goes down I’m hoping I can still at least have access to the old comments. Thanks again you guys.

4:42 pm May, 20 Djabroni said...

Tell BCS to saw the trigger guard off with a hacksaw; it makes it easier to get the big toe on the trigger.

4:43 pm May, 20 Et Tu Douche? said...

Loves me some Side Pear LaPlante!

4:46 pm May, 20 Et Tu Douche? said...

I second Nancy Dreuche in congratulating Senor Dark Stocking for his yeoman efforts this week. I was hoping for some airborne boating shots but you cant always get what you want.

4:52 pm May, 20 Douche Springsteen said...

Sock, you should never apologize for the pear. Ever. I don’t mind seeing that butt twice.

5:02 pm May, 20 The Dude said...

Dark Socks!
Butt-onus-Rocks!

Is that a Haiku? uh, Limerrick?

okay, buhbye fo now

5:04 pm May, 20 DarkSock said...

@ Et Tu:
qfwe

5:13 pm May, 20 Et Tu Douche? said...

@DarkSock,
My week is complete, Son!!!!!!

5:47 pm May, 20 Greg said...

I think the bitch smashed the laptop.

7:28 pm May, 20 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Jesus, Mary , and Broseph. BCS’ tumult makes arguments in my drunken Irish Catholic family seem like the Lawrence Welk show (yeah, that’s right, I am really 70). But, I am most certainly ashamed. My borderline pathological obsession with all things Kotaku did not bring me to discover this Machine Girl movie before, and this is coming from somebody who has watched and the read the manga of Battle Royale. I knew I should not have shunned those dudes with the lolicon complex. They are like Geiger counters when it comes to detecting media featuring Japanese school girls.
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Anyway, it is nice to know that the Islamic Centre in Halifax is trying to keep with the Ayatollahs (Keeping Up With The Khomeinis? That might work) by explaining why pr0n is terribly bad, though I dunno how that would gel with the very east coast ethos of good folk music, beer, and seafood. I have trouble trying to see Halifax Mohammed try to gin up a following by emulating Spirit of The West (yes, yes, even though they from the west coast, but they were insanely popular in the east) or The Barra MacNeils (sp). “Home for a stone” might not ring too well with those pretty happy-go-lucky east coasters.
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Oh, and like any of my comments, I will provide some Canuck context here; this is what was popular back then . Contrast that to now? Well, yeah, Canada has been douchefied, culturally ghettoed by Guetta or some shit. Bah, Neo Citran sucks. Switching to tea and grand marnier…son.

7:29 pm May, 20 Duck, duck, ohmyfuckinggod said...

One word ASSPOCALYPSE.

Aptly timed. I cower before your otherworldly pear shaped powers and beg forgiveness for all Slayer references you have corrected in the past. That is at least until Saturday 6pm passes and our reg mod takes the reigns and slaps you like the gimp bitch you are covered head to toe in saran wrap in oil.

7:35 pm May, 20 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Post Script.
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I tip my top hat to you, DS1 for your great links. It is time to celebrate the birth of a stout regal woman who has little or not relevancy today, and thus, our only way of celebration of May “2-4” is well, to drink many 2-4s! Thank you Queen Victoria for indulging my love of the drink every third May weekend of every year!

7:59 pm May, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Episode #1 (Part # 3) The Puffington Post
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That was one cool boating flip exit. I hope the fucking world doesn’t end because that would severely harsh my buzz. Ya ever have your wife ask you if she smells old? I was freaked right the fuck out while I was watching my predecessor the IMF dude manager rapist of Muslim, Guinean, chamber maid rapist bastard on CNN while I was catching my groove and told the old lady she didn’t stink ,glad she took a bath though. PHEW! I thought there was a skunk in her pants. She stank so bad I had to take my dogs swimmers ear infection rinse and snorted it like Visine. Nothing like a nice snort of isopropyl alcohol and boric acid to dull the senses. And she wants sex tomorrow with that smelly thing, I hope the world ends she must have a huge necrotism in her ladybits or somewhere. If it’s not just my nose under the influence of things I’m fucked. SCuba.!!Son.. I’m goinmg undercover like Chris Hanson, going to get my 17 year old bitch high and full of pizza with a couple of choice buds to remember me by. Not gonna do that anymore so I don’t catch myself if yas know what I am saying about. almost 10 circles of hell I think we are bot going to go past the one with the hot ash and raining flames. Better bring an umbrella Sir, because my beatdown will rain likew Sonny McShane. Funny thing clonazepam, you just can’t let it go, the shaking, night sweats, and swirling testical are too much to take. You have to find it somewhere just to survive like the weed and with certainty toxic amount of alcohol you consume. Liver detox while drinking 30 beers a day you moron. No wonder your back gets sore it’s the fucking cirrhosis acting up again. At this point you miss pancreatitiis, the doobs numb the pains that you acquired while on Earth. The pain from before that is unbearable. The true knwledge that weans no bounds, licks no baggage. Does it’sa own thing like the front loading washer your cousin hold better stead than most of her own incestuous family. Fucking bitch wouldn’t take any machine unless it was “Bold Black Currant”. The beourgoisie eat their own Young every time the coveted paper rolls out of the machine and the pretty 23 year old with the name tag that says her name, with the lovely hair thing in her hair and the smell of “Charlie” wisps of her nubile and unstaind neck part the one right aroung where a man’s Adam’s apple is. A perfect repository for my seed which I so loningly want to shoot inside her, and she says,” Sign here please.” Another yuppie, charges more pain to the dreams that were never realized. How much more pain do I have to go through before I can quit this game, this anthropological facade I’ve been in since 1946. Do I really have to wait for my mother to die to live the dream I have been pretending to all these years, all these lies Mom from the beginning it has all been a big pyamid scheme, and I was the center of it, I was the important one. I have come a long way, the world is different. The man takes off his watch and his clothes. He sees the sun set in the North. He sees himself in the sunset. A young boy he faintly recognizes appraoches ghostily through the mist of the wilderness. The boy nears him. His heart pounds at the notion that he has found his inner child. The boy says, “Eat my fucking arse you old wretch, ya pussy, you were supposed to make it, be a player. But no way, ya had to go fucking blow it because ya knew gramps made some money the old fashioned way.
He bootlegged son you fucking retard. MBA, fuck off! Foreign cars, fuck off! Divorced, fuck off.” The yuppie returns to he leased Prius, turns on the GPS and enters DEATH. Always on task the Gps lady answers, “Home it is.”

8:08 pm May, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^ I think Douchenborough is into the Screetch.

8:23 pm May, 20 Crucial Head said...

Great job this week ‘Sock. You never let me down and I was ‘batin every night.

Also, congratulations to Darksock for a great week of subbing in off the bench for the Boss. I miss BCS. One of the all time greatest commentators ever here. Thanks for the links to an illustrious past.

8:46 pm May, 20 Wedgie said...

Yeah, quit your day job Sockk. Fukushima needs a full time architect. As a bonus, you will look like King Darksockk when you return to the States.

8:47 pm May, 20 Wedgie said...

Oh yeah, one other thing. You guys posting chapters are short changing your audience. Write longer posts, ‘cuz I don’t have a life.

actually the bin laden porn stash is great news, rumor has it, he has one of the few copies of asspounding apostates 17. i’m a collector.

also, it would be interesting seeing the barely sharia series without dubbing and/or subtitles.

even some of the soft core stuff like jihad me at assalam alaikum

12:13 pm May, 21 creature said...

well done DSock…well played indeed
I too pine for the return of bcs…I was a sucker for clicking on his wildly disgusting & troubling links…he also spawned the eic Xenu thread & had possibly the most hilarious Samurai Scrote observations
come back bcs, I promise to click on all your links (could never resist anyway

12:14 pm May, 21 creature said...

also miss the trash can!

2:03 pm May, 21 Wedgie said...

Knuckleheads

2:09 pm May, 21 Wedgie said...

gaybags

4:04 pm May, 21 Stephanie said...

I looked into my pants and discovered,I was still a female,really. Nancy,why is this so important to you?
I’m just a strange one…I get this all of the time.
These south of the border folks is notta douche,they be Mayans making temples and tacos in the woods.

5:01 pm May, 21 DarkSock said...

I looked into my pants and found BCS.

6:00 pm May, 21 creature said...

are plinky & pfah there too?

6:22 pm May, 21 Medusa Oblongata said...

Dear silly webcam girl: I love you too, and I will meet DarkSock in a barbed-wire cage match for your affections.
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BCS WHERE ART THOU? She probably ate his head, praying-mantis style. Them alcoholic chicks are a fuckin’ nightmare. Ask the ex-Mr. Oblongata about how he got them horrid scars on his hand, he’ll tell ya…..

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