Monday, May 23, 2011

HCwDB of the Week

Well, another week rolls by and still no word from DoucheBag1…looks like I got the gig for another week (maybe longer, if Big Al Pacas got to him…).

Let us take a moment to reflect what sent him on this quest for spiritual cleansing. Looking at the evidence found in his apartment, it would be easy to simply label this as just another sugar and fortified-wine-fueled alpaca fingering binge resulting in a desperate flight from justice and past due invoices.  Because who among us has not molested livestock?

But no, no…something tells me it’s more than just that.  I revisited one of the last emails DB1 left us:  I feel myself being called away…penance for sins against my meditative and monastic hottie/douchey journey.  I have sinned.  For I have coveted the Bleeth.

Well, hell…I reckon we need to be chartering a group flight to the Andes mountains.  And they better switch out the little airplane bottles of booze with pints.

Enough introspection; it’s time to pull our chins up, tape our dongs flat, and sashay out onto that runway, because the show must go on.  Note to self: shave next time before taping.

Here are your contenders:

HCwDB of the Week #1: Country Molestern and his Reversed Cowgirls

Long Time comments thread regular Mr. White showered his golden derision on this grinning woodchuck; yet he leers on. Which begs the question: how much pud would this woodchuck tuck if this pud-tuck could suck wood? And lawd ha’ mercy, look at those country fresh girls…why does HE get to butter THEIR biscuits?  If you are enraged by this corn pone-ography then scrote the vote.


HCwDB of the Week #2: Toolio Twice and Siam Suki


Another HCwDB comments thread lifer, Creature, puts the cheese grater o’ justice to the glistening forehead of club foolio, Toolio.  What is the backstory here?  Fivehead convention?  Class Action Lawsuit Seminar for Victims of Aggressive Forcep Administration at Birth? Elephant-Kegeling Victims?

It is not for us to know; we must judge with the evidence at hand.   Which would be Suki’s Siamese Twins.




HCwDB of the Week #3: U.S. Olympic Synchronized Nodding Team and Grecian Greta

Perhaps this phenomenon can be explained by science: perhaps we are witnessing Newton’s law of universal gravitation, which as you all know, states that every point mass in the universe attracts every other mass.

Separately it was shown that large spherically symmetrical masses attract other objects to concentration points at their very centers.

These choad’s empty pie cases are collectively bearing out this law of physics, being pulled inexorably to the large spherical symmetrical masses (with points on them) that are Greta’s nigh-perfect golden globes.   Yes, they are being sucked into this gravitational well of silky delight.  As are my eyeballs.  And yours.  Admit it.

Yes…perhaps this is what is going on here.

Nah, they’re just a bunch of room-temp-IQ Roxbury chicken-necking peacocks.

HCwDB of the Week #4: Larry the Lavender Love Lizard vs. The Doublemint Chins

Larry the Lavender Love Lizard (or L4, as I think of him) hopes to pull out a come-from-behind victory.

But Jan and Jenny Chin-Chin are prepared to take it on the jaw.

Will this dark horse trio pull off a surprise victory?

Does L4 have purple dander?

Will the girl’s Uncle Robert roll up and beat Larry into pieces too small for the pool drain strainer to catch?

That, my friends, is up to you.

Go forth, my friends, and vote as ever in the comments threads.  Alternate Universe votes count too for you serial picture-clickers.

EDIT:  Also, some shop-keeping:  If you are a reg sitting on a pic, your deadline is Wednesday to slip me some wool or let someone else have a crack at the tool whose fate you currently hold in your inbox.  Or else I’ll be force to fill the latter part of the week’s posts with nothing but Ass Pear.

Somehow, I think the Ass Pear filler threat may be counterproductive…

# posted by Bagnonymous
7:11 am May, 23 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I’m too drained to vote for any of these tools, but I will say I think #1 is an example of Gay Baggery so I’d have to disqualify him from this competition.

7:12 am May, 23 Wedgie said...

#1 is a gaybat; #2 is a tranny. So it’s between #3 & #4. I will go with #3 because even though she’s bleethy, I find she makes my nether regions tingle. And #4 looks too much like a pair of bitchy soccer moms that hang around my son’s coach all too much at the Sheraton Airport Hotel when we’re in L.A. for one of our far-too-frequent tournaments. $$$

7:13 am May, 23 Wedgie said...

If I knew how to spell, that would be “gaybag”. Still drunk from yesterday.

7:19 am May, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

On this drunken morn I must go for County Molestern and the girls that go “WEE” Because they are hot and he should be on “GLEE.” That rhymes, Son.

7:51 am May, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^When Country Molestern wants to dance, it goes like this http://www,youtube.com/watch?v=7AY88BQZWos&feature=related.

7:54 am May, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1xrNaTO1bI

7:55 am May, 23 Anonymous said...

I love the hotts with Gaybag Wayne there, but that guy’s a dicksucker, not a douchebag.

Toolio is the King of Tools, but SIam Suki is too much of a horseface for my taste (and that rhymes too. Son.)

So it’s gotta be between the USOSNT and Grecian Gretta and Larry and the Doublemint Chins. And those chins are fucking scary looking. Larry must be in such a daze that he didn’t realize that Real Doll was using him as a test case for the newest entry in teh Real Doll line, the Rockem, Sockem Robots edition.

So I’m going to go with the three nodding turds and Grecian Gretta. Because as I said before about her, she really tingles my passion for cartography, and I do want to make a map of the Grecian Archipelago on her taut abs. With my Greek Yogurt. Again. Son.

7:55 am May, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I better sober up.

8:02 am May, 23 Anonymous said...

The cat fight you didn’t see between the Doublemint Chins over the affections of Larry The Lavender Lizard.

8:02 am May, 23 Anonymous said...

Shit, why can’t I get HTML to work?

http://images.androidcentral.com/sites/androidcentral.com/files/articleimage/1393/2010/07/rockem-sockem.jpg

8:12 am May, 23 DoucheyWallnuts said...

L4 beats Toolio by a Chin Fung hair. As a matter of fact, these two look like they could have been separated at after-birth, but I give it to L4 because of the sunglasses and his two bleeths are better than Tool’s one.

8:14 am May, 23 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

I vote for the nodding team. You just know they use the pickup line “I swear babe, you know the show Entourage, it is totally based on us!”

8:23 am May, 23 RAPETIME said...

Larry and the Chins (next band name), because all three of them gross me out pretty equally.

8:39 am May, 23 MoeDouche said...

TOOLIO! TOOLIO! TOOLIO! and Suki FTW.

8:48 am May, 23 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’m going with Little Bo Greta and her Sheeple. She’s not as hot as the cowgirls but the bags are douche in triplicate. I wish she would move away so the gravitational pull of her mamm cans would cause their necks to snap off.

8:50 am May, 23 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Toolio FTW….bleeth-douche critical mass attained. SUki….meowrrrrr

9:25 am May, 23 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Larry the Lavender Love Lizard FTW. Purple hair, really? Them’s some unattractive dames though.

9:44 am May, 23 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Country Molestern and his Reversed Cowgirls FTW. And by “win” I mean “Reversed Cowgirls”. “Molestern” is just there to take up space. And Axe. But it is the contrast between pure, All American hotts with the douche that seals the deal.
.
Grecian Greta comes in second, a tight, tight second. Too much douche and not enough hott. If she grew a third boob…wait…she does have three boobs – three douche boobs. Not quite enough to get her over the hump.
.
And by hump, I mean…well, nevermind.

10:22 am May, 23 Vin Douchal said...

As a musician occasionally playing in a country bar/dance club I have seen gals dressed like Country Molestern and his Reversed Cowgirls doing cute little line dances, shaking they badonkadonks while showing a lot of skin.
.
Sometimes there’s a trade-off. You have to look at a dipshit like this guy, but at least you can close one eye to block out that part of the scene.
.
But you can’t unsee it
.
Country Molestern and his Reversed Cowgirls
FTW

10:38 am May, 23 army (ret) douche said...

being from the texas of canada i vote for the reverse cowgirls

10:41 am May, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

Pic 4…If Chins Could Kill….
.
That being said, I’m going with pic 3. And i am basing that solely on the douche in the center with the red shirt and the stupid tattoos. The tattoos are what drive my selection. Double-outline star tatt on the neck. You’ve mad the decision to have an un-hideable tattoo. And you chose to broadcast to the world that you wanted the most unoriginal, least interesting and biggest pain-in-the ass-to-do, especially on the neck, tattoo. Congratulations. You have won the Fail Lottery. Let me also add that music notes as a tattoo is this retarded: An interpretive dance about food. You’re taking something that is only made possible by one of your senses, and turning it into something that is only made possible by one of your other senses. And then you completely lose what it’s about. You can’t see music, and I’ve done enough LSD to know that. So, for being one of the biggest toolbuckets this site has ever belched up, it’s pic 3 for me.
.
Let me add that Grecian Greta got a great boob job, especially considering how thin she is. Grets, gain 5 pounds and no one will have a clue that you weren’t born with those, trust me on this. And call me. I got those nipple vibrators we were talking about.

11:30 am May, 23 tall guy said...

Toolio’s a strong contender but for his poor choice in tail, which in common with picture one, has a strong whiff of gay. The parasites circling Grecian Greta are awful, particularly the clown in red. But 4 gets my vote. Granted the hotts are a tad scary as opposed to the slender hottness of Greta. And if I were basing my vote solely on qualities most preferred then Greta would romp home, but Larry’s hair coupled with his blank expression push him over the line. Which in time will probably be the unemployment line.
Larry the Lavender Love Lizard & The Doublemint Chin twins for the wins!

12:13 pm May, 23 Avon Bagsdale said...

The Synchronized head nodders for the win. As Busta Rhymes might have said, “BREAK YA F–KING NECK BICTHES” and I would add “please.” The middle one might be off the team soon for he tilts to far and is clearly “bent”, however, the other tilters seem comfortable with his gaybag status.

Full marks also for Greta despite the incredibly stupid hat. The lack of egregious tilt or smirk suggests she may still have a soul to go with viable womb.

12:42 pm May, 23 Daggerbagger' said...

Toolio FTW. Because sculpted eyebrows, blow-wave hair, hipster cool in 2004 finger gloves, unnessesary hand gesture, evident ‘suuup dawg’ mentality. That is why.

12:52 pm May, 23 dbBen said...

U.S. Olympic Synchronized Nodding Team and Grecian Greta
.
It has been a long, dark, cold winter in my part of the world. Really, spring has yet to officially arrive. I look at the sun, the palm trees, and Greta’s first quartile (in price and performance) physique and think: just as the darkness of the USOSNT casts their dark shadow on the sunshine of my love, that perhaps the ubiquitous darkness that covers the land isn’t happenstance. Perhaps the rapture came and went and we were all left standing due to the initial touchdown in Vegas. Jebus landed, looked around, punched a marmot in the taint then left.
.
Country Western girls nominated for hottest hotts in the major you should have minored in.

1:05 pm May, 23 Southern Scrotic said...

I’m voting for Greta for two good reasons.

1:13 pm May, 23 Collaz B. Popped said...

US Synch Nod Team for the win, particularly because of the red shirted Douchebag.

That head tilt is frigging 45 degree angle I reckon, but let DarkSock and the other pros measure that one.

1:21 pm May, 23 Hermit said...

Normally the Gaybag gets a pass, but why?
I’m buckin’ the system this week pardners’ and going with Country Molestern. He’s definitely a douche and he damn sure ain’t’ no cowboy.
.
The closest this cowpoke ever came to ridin’ the range was when he “got a long little dogie” while watching Brokeback Mountain.

1:30 pm May, 23 Et Tu Douche? said...

By process of elimination.
.
# 1, The chicks are okay and the daisy duke country ascetic is a plus it kind offsets. Country Molestern is feybaggery and doesn’t warrant any disgust from me as the Reversed Cowgirls having nothing to worry about.
.
#2, Toolio may or may not be feybaggery yet the outfit is a pause for ridicule, however Suki just doesn’t do it enough to be consider HC.
.
# 4, Lavender Larry, a poor man’s Hispanic Ben Stiller almost look alike, is just a goof and there is nothing Hott about an and Jenny Chin-Chin.
.
Which bring me to my choice for the win
.
#3,
.
I urn for Grecian Greta as her pigtails conjure up all sorts of naughty scenarios. I would comment on her Mamm’s but Medusa has already nailed that right on the head and her taut belly screams “Bullseye”. So the HC half of the equation has been meet. As for DB part The Nod’s three way tag team act of macking on a hott is egregious and they should be banished to Hades lair and forced to do unspeakable acts to each other for enternity.

1:42 pm May, 23 One for the Choad said...

Ugh. Toolio and Lavender Larry are the biggest choads here, but neither of their “hot chicks” are blowing up my skirt. Likewise, Greta has the bod but also a bit too much of the bleeth (you should get that looked at, sweetie).

Then there are the cowgirls. Booiiiiing. Dude’s the least douchey guy here, but they’re the hottest girls here, so they get my vote.

2:00 pm May, 23 Mr. Belvadouche said...

the nodding triplets FTW

1. Boobs mcribcage
2. Smirtky blackshirt punch face larynx jab

2:42 pm May, 23 Hermit said...

Mike Tyson, in his prime, could hit the Doublemint Chins square in the jaw with his absolute best shot, and all he’d have to show for his effort is a broken hand and a troubled childhood.
.
.
.
not a vote, just sayin’

4:09 pm May, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Country Molestern and his Reversed Cowgirls FTW! Why? Because it looks like auditions for one big gay (I know that’s redundant) “A Chorus Line: The Western”. Molestern gets to do everyone’s hair and makeup, pick out all the fabulous costumes, and choreograph all those sassy dance numbers. He gets to be as bitchy as he wants to be and everyone has to listen to him even though he may be in the middle of throwing the biggest diva fit in history. All that and The Aristocrats-like finale where he will be carried out onto the stage by four bare-chested male strippers while being precariously perched on a saddle made of rainbow-colored jelly dongs that have flashing lights inside of them that simulate him getting an HIV creampie while singing “If They Could See Me Now”. That and the two hott chicks with him.

9:34 pm May, 23 creature said...

this very burnt creature has stopped by just long enough to cast a vote (& I mean volcanically erupt) for cowgirls cuz ize wants to play tummy tomtom with my b-b-baton!

10:49 pm May, 23 schlicht bindenburger said...

is there such a thing as an chin reduction?

1:42 am May, 24 Steve L. said...

if i vote for the Olympic Synchronized Nodding Team, would the sheer weight of my vote break their necks? and if that doesn’t do it, can i add a sledgehammer with my vote?

i guess i have to vote for them regardless.

11:14 am May, 24 Troy Tempest said...

Toolio must win, because the stench of douche hangs upon his shoulders like alimony clings on Kelsey Grammer, who’s one of the douchiest TV no-talent losers I can think of right now after spending a week in a hashfog in Amsterdam…

12:03 pm May, 24 Douche Springsteen said...

I think the only true hotts this week (Reversed Cowgirls) are in no real danger (gaybag) and the rest are a little too bleethed for me to care about. Therefore, I award my decision to the biggest douches. Toolio is phoning it in and Lavender Larry just realized that he blew his bonus check from making his sales quota at the cell phone store on a Vegas trip he couldn’t really afford and didn’t even get laid. You can hear the sad horns playing in his head. I almost feel bad for him. Almost.
So by process of elimination I cast my vote for The U.S. Olympic Synchronized Nodding team and Grecian Greta. Greta has taut curves and all but she’s just not doing it for me. I think it’s the hat. Those guys however, are offensive on so many levels. I can smell the stench of Axe and Goose emanating from my screen. I’d like to immolate them on a pile of Maxim magazines as a blood offering to any deities they may be an affront to, just in case a token like that may stay their hand when they unleash a flood to banish the earth of all fungal taint.

2:11 pm May, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

#1 is three chicks – or at least 3 people that love the cock
.
#2 is two guys, do not let the melons fool you. That’s how he lures you in.
.
#4 is 3 guys, two of them just happen to have ’80’s metal hair.
.
By default it’s got to be #3. Why not? Greta’s bod rocks.

8:50 pm May, 24 Wheezer said...

Toolio Twice is definitely a living monument to #2 and needs this Weekly. He’s trying to look like Greico.
Need I say more?

8:51 pm May, 24 Wheezer said...

Boldly voting where no man has…..oh yeah, covering my ass with a cheap joke.
.
Typical.

2:48 am May, 25 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

I cast my vote for Toolio Twice because I’m positive that he has a to-scale picture of “Criss-Cross” shaved into his pubes… Normally, I’d be more inclined to support a man wearing a jean jacket, but this pud-stump has disgraced even the most earnest of sleeveless jackets, the denim vest. “Faux Earnesty”? What has this douchey world come to? If it weren’t for the calming nature of Siam’s plumped pillows, I’d have beaten a defenseless hobo to death with my bare hands for inspiring Toolio’s stupid wardrobe.

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