Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Nipplestopheles (Jacques Doucheteau Edition)

Dispatch from the Desk of Jaques D; a little bile with your morning coffee:

Frank the RV salesman weekends in Pensacola, still blissfully unaware of the sad fact that he’s twice divorced and 70 lbs heavier than when he flunked out of Thomas Nelson Community College.

Diana too has seen better days. Once a pseudo-Asian hott before all the bukakke videos and Benson & Hedges, now she is but an aging trail mule rode hard and put away wet. But these two are just players in the grand drama of society’s demise.

Dave’s dangling tit rings summon ancient gods of destruction from their eternal slumber, to wreak havoc on the soul of humanity. His vacant stare and gleaming forehead conceal a mind torn asunder by the primeval forces of the eternal poo of Nergal: Babylonian deity of war and pestilence.

It is this mighty impetus welling up through the ages and expelling themselves through Dave’s sphincterous navel that is an omen of the forthcoming douchepocalypse. His religious iconography worn, without realization of its irony, upon a viscera of unfettered consumerism is a symptom of the larger social impoverishment in human-nature relations. This affront to the natural universe beckons elder demons from their sleep, blackens the sky with smoke from the burning flesh of innocents, and causes orphan children to rape puppies with bootleg DVDs of “2 Fast 2 Furious”.

And so Frank subconsciously teat-punches that which he does not comprehend.

# posted by Bagnonymous
11:05 am May, 18 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Ah, Nergal. We used to pillage and burn, back in the day. Good times, good times…

11:11 am May, 18 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

Well done, Jacques D. Well done.

11:15 am May, 18 Anonymous said...

Nice shitty cover-up on her hand there. Most likely used to be the hand-poked name of the first dude to untie her balloon knot.

11:15 am May, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

GOD DAMNIT GORGONSNATCH, REMEMBER TO SIGN IN

11:16 am May, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

Teat Punch Wednesdays! I love it! Unfortunately out of these three if a gun was to my head I’d most likely party with Frank, but I wouldn’t like it. Frank really? Basketball shorts to a Vegas pool party? Also if we do it you’re gonna have to put a shirt on, and while we’re at it, a Scream mask.

11:17 am May, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

Stupid shared computer. I want my laptop back :”’-(
.
Frank tit-punches Danglenips ’cause he covets them abs. He wants to get used-up asian dregs, too.

11:18 am May, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Medusa, I was wondering about that hand tatt too. I’m down with your theory.

11:20 am May, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And Lo to the Land of Nod, somewhere east of Eden, Cain was banished. Son.
.
It was a land foul and unfertile, a land covered with beasts that crawl or slither on their bellies, And Beasts horrific and filled with a fury for being also lost of innocence at the hands of Man’s great folly in the Garden. A land so dry and desolate a man may be parched to death. A fitting place for one who lyeth dishonoring his mother and father. Committor of the first fratricide. A land spouting with noxious weeds, nightshade, and thorny things. And these three. Son
.
I was going somewhere large with this but I just remembered a bottle of rot-gut sherry hidden in the tool shed.

11:22 am May, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Jaques, “rode hard and put away wet” is great. I also find “forty miles of bad road” an excellent descriptor as well. Nice write up.

11:22 am May, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And good job.Son.

11:26 am May, 18 Hermit said...

…before all the bukakke videos and the Benson & Hedges… FTW

11:27 am May, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

WOW!!!! all I can say is Kudos’s to the reg’s who have stepped up and dropped some serious prose these past days. Keep it coming and I’m sensing nay hoping that Mr. Scrotato Head is working on something whilst ensconced in Library.

11:28 am May, 18 Vin Douchal said...

“Sphincterous Navel” is the first single from Adam Lambert’s upcoming second cd release

11:31 am May, 18 Hermit said...

Somewhere, the soul of Abel is waiting with bated breath for the conclusion of the Rev’s sermon as to why he was whacked.

11:57 am May, 18 Wedgie said...

Good work by all the regs. DB1 might be fighting for his job upon his return.

12:00 pm May, 18 Wedgie said...

As a follow-up to my post a couple of pics back, there is something funny going on with the site the past couple of days. If you click on the pic and then post a comment, it goes to an alternate location, not in the regular comments. You can find it again by clicking on the pic a couple of times in sequence, but if you post there, it doesn’t show up in the regular comments thread.
Darksock, please stop peeing in the server.

12:03 pm May, 18 jonezy said...

I guess they don’t make double-eyed white belts in size 26 anymore? Or is he just borrowing it from Frank?
.
either way, white belt is all but auto-douche… unless you are Tom Wolfe or something

12:06 pm May, 18 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Darksock, please stop peeing in the server.
.
That explains why one of my servers threw a hard disk this morning…wrong server, Darksock!

12:11 pm May, 18 creature said...

“hey pal, whaddaya say we double up on your mail order pilipino bride, huh, ya know like back in freshman year & my sister…member?”

12:12 pm May, 18 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

I agree with Wedgie, DBI better get back from his “vacation” soon or he will have totally lost control. What’s the saying? the lunatics take over the asylum.

And this is about the roughest “hot” we’ve seen in a long time. “Bukkake and Benson & Hedges” Love it, J.D. !

12:12 pm May, 18 creature said...

don’t you love it when gals put their thong on backwards?

12:15 pm May, 18 Banana Hammock said...

Looks like Ren finally got his Pectoral implants, and Stimpson is a Bloated as ever.
.
I’m not inordinately fond of Ms. PAH (pseudo-Asian hott) as a whole, but displaying the smooth crack to her poop funnel does make sir hammock rub his denim protrusion.

12:18 pm May, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Not so sure about the pseudo-Asian hott thing. Looks more like she has Iron Curtains. Maybe Romanian, Polish, or Czech. It would also explain the pained and confused look on her face when she answered the ad for the nanny position and the Governator showed up with these two.

12:22 pm May, 18 Vin Douchal said...

Gah, she is a rough looking ginch. If given the choice between looking at her and watching Carsen Daly I’d gouge my eyes out with a melon baller

12:44 pm May, 18 Hermit said...

That fourth paragraph is epic.

12:46 pm May, 18 DarkSock said...

Wedgie: I have looked into the problem and I have found out exactly what this issue is:
.
I have no fuccen idea what I’m doing. Or how to fix it.
.
So, think of it as Bonus Posts! Problem Solved! And by “solved” I mean “sidestepped by my psychotic denial”. Son.
.
I am awesome.

12:53 pm May, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

Don’t fix it DarkSock. Let it ride. For when 4chan cums on this place in 7 days or maybe its 6 days, I’ve never really been that great with math, we can use that alternate universe to mock douches in. Little did you know it, but you have built us a douche proof bunker. All hail DarkSock!

12:58 pm May, 18 mr.reeve said...

The Tool, the Haggard and the Fat

1:00 pm May, 18 Crucial Head said...

If the subtle references to H.P. Lovecraft dropped throughout Jacques’ master work don’t summon the great Baron Shub Cthgoolo from his coffin to help br’er ‘Sock out with a post, then I don’t know what will.
.
Well, besides a Twilight Series book-burning get together.

1:02 pm May, 18 Crucial Head said...

That guy is a big fat pussy, not the hott.

1:03 pm May, 18 Crucial Head said...

That guy is a big fat pussy – not the hott.

1:03 pm May, 18 Crucial Head said...

That guy is a big fat pussy. Not the hott.
.
(triple post… trying to smoke out Massengill)

1:05 pm May, 18 creature said...

GOO-LOO, GOO-LOO…eastern oregon zombie marching band chant

1:06 pm May, 18 DarkSock said...

Nancy: I am prepared for total humiliation. You just don’t take a gig like this otherwise.

PS If you haven’t gotten a shot at writing a post, but are a reg, don’t be alarmed. You’re either a non-wordpress account having dirtbag like wedgie and Nancy, so I can’t see your email accounts, or you gave a spoof email account that my invite went to, or, I just plain fuccen forgot because I do this crap at night, whilst drinking and yelling at kids. Son.

If you got overlooked speak up. I have 2 or 3 pics up for grabs still. I’ll gladly do them meself; I just don’t want to be bogartin’ all the front page glory.

1:22 pm May, 18 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Frank sadly does not realize that he is the male of equivalent of the unseemly girlfriend who tags along to make the other woman look better. In this case, it is like a eczema patient bringing a leper to the hospital pool party.

1:25 pm May, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DarkSock, I am flattered by the offer, but I’ve had one email account since the early 90’s and I don’t feel like making a fake one for these purposes. But I am happy to comment and support the local HCwDB regs who are doing a fine job in bringin the front page smackdown to the douches and bleeths. And yeah if Baron Von Gooloo doesn’t write one up I will punch a Himalayan tree frog in its endangered nads while watching “America’s Next Top Model”. And I hate that show!

1:28 pm May, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Sir David, hahahahahahahahahah! So true. That’s why I make him wear the mask.

1:58 pm May, 18 baffomet said...

Man is she looking pretty haggard. She still has a tight as body though. Buttaface?

2:12 pm May, 18 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Is this a wax figure display at Madame Toudouche’s Wax Douche Museum?

2:38 pm May, 18 Wedgie said...

Hey, I represent that remark. I have a WordPress account, and have tried several times to make an avatar and all I got for my trouble was a visit from the fuccen FBI telling me I fucced up the WOPR and we were at Defcon 2. So I agreed to quit messing with it because I am a Dog-fearing US American and I don’t want those fuccen Russkies to start shooting missiles at my beloved San Diego, CA. Which just happens to be a prime target on their little red list of places to bomb first.
The Fuccen End.

3:08 pm May, 18 DarkSock said...

fuccen Russkies still need to pay for Pearl Harbor.

3:13 pm May, 18 Frank Mercurio said...

^ I hear that’s where they make pearl necklaces.

3:14 pm May, 18 Frank Mercurio said...

I’m lost.

3:14 pm May, 18 Frank Mercurio said...

Nancy Dreuche is right. More than one email address leads to a loss of one’s identity.

3:25 pm May, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

^I love when I’m backed up by a dildo,….wait, that sounds bad.

3:39 pm May, 18 soy bomb said...

There’s something about Ass Crack Reveal on a chick (non-fatty edition) that makes me harder than a decision a Zzzyzzxzzx fan has to make regarding which of his vids to catch a beat to. I would rail that ass, John Henry style.

7:31 pm May, 18 Sir David Douchenborough said...

@ Nancy

The mask is crucial. You can instill both intrigue and fear of your Quasimodo such that you would have people just lining up for your number. With 100 bucks, I invited someone who was a tanning salon burn victim to a party. The smell of burnt flesh of a resigned narcissist was so repelling that it vaulted me into celestial social status that evening. Then again, given the parties I attend, it is more akin to becoming the Admiral of your local Star Trek chapter. Live long and prosper………son.

7:56 pm May, 18 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Something about this picture is hidden. Look at Franks playful smile and nonchalante punch. Now look at Dave and Diane’s distant and melancholy non smirks/non smiles. That is a look of two people who realised they both fucked the same guy. And that guy is Frank. The interwebz ia awesome!

7:57 pm May, 18 Mandouchian Candidate said...

^is.^ Fack.

9:47 pm May, 18 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Medical textbooks are always on the lookout for the classic endomorph, mesomorph and ectomorph posing together. Bingo!

6:39 am May, 19 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Sir David, I can see that you’ld be a real King of the Nerds type. And I mean that as a compliment. And I think we were talking about two different uses of the word party, yours being the more innocent of the two.

2:49 am May, 20 Collaz B. Popped said...

Frank RV, meet Frankie Mercurio….

Sphincterous Navel, new emo punk band.

I like how she shows her ass crack.

8:23 pm May, 21 Cogswell said...

These are the decisions that dudes are forced to make when they’re 5’5″

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