Thursday, May 12, 2011

Problems in the American Rural Midwest

Forget high unemployment, high gas prices and the struggling middle class.

Lets focus on the real problem:

How Kevin from Ball State, kicked out sophomore year for dealing in the quad, somehow got Ubertasty Party Girl Kelly.

I know what happened.

It’s gotta be the phat Goodfellas poster in Kevin’s living room.

That’s phat with a “ph.” Phat.

# posted by douchebag1
11:37 am May, 12 Bigphatnotadouche said...

I like my midwest farmers daughters corn fed. She is very healthy in a dirty kind of way.
The douche should be dragged to the Mississippi, rocks tied around his head and used as a sand bag.
.
.
.
.
.
What too soon?

11:38 am May, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

She’s gotta be PTP, he just looks too moronic to be with her.

11:45 am May, 12 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

I seriously hope he did not pay for that mohawk. I’ve seen better shaving for a cat’s neutering. This guy either has a foot long shlong or a huge trust fund, cause the closest these two should be together is when she hands him the keys of her car to get the oil changed.

11:58 am May, 12 Banana Hammock said...

Now; even though Party Girl Kelly has a smoking hot physique, the only cure for whatever VD quiche sack Kevin gives her is a good ol’ control burn.

11:58 am May, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Slow Kevin is that kid you met in Jr High who never lifted weights but had that wicked dumb strength. His friends liked him and they looked after him because he was loyal and if an altercation ever broke out Slow Kevin would take care of business. Realizing that Slow Kevin had a hard time with the fairer sex his buddies decided for his 21st B-Day to chip in and get one of Muncie’s finest to come over and “entertain” him for an hour. It was the best day of his life and Slow Kevin would be forever grateful to his friends. The look on his face in the second pic says it all. Kudos to Ubertasty Party Girl Kelly for making his 21st a memorable one.

12:00 pm May, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Can’t decide which photo makes him look more demented and slow, with hat- no shirt , or no hat – with shirt.
.
His parents definately played the theme from Deliverance as the first dance at their shotgun wedding

12:04 pm May, 12 Banana Hammock said...

Kev, don’t just sit there and dribble on her, for phuksake it’s a nipple, not a Tootsie Roll… And if you act quick there’s a funny smell in store for your longest finger..
.
true
.

12:05 pm May, 12 MoeDouche said...

What’s wrong with today’s youth!?! For someone to believe that having a strip of hair down one’s skull is attractive is just plain idiotic…But since we’re talking a DB, we need go no further.

Man, those nubile nectar-filled fun bags look delicious and juicy. I can sink my teeth into those melons.

12:10 pm May, 12 Banana Hammock said...

Maybe he wanted the drapes to match the carpet?

12:10 pm May, 12 Wedgie said...

Unless that haircut is because he just finished basic training at Parris Island and is ready to deploy to the ‘Stan. Then he gets a notta and a big phat thank you from this tired old water bug. Hoo-rah.

12:18 pm May, 12 Douche Springsteen said...

Travis Bickle needs to beat this dude’s ass something fierce.

12:30 pm May, 12 creature said...

he’s got a bitchin camaro

12:38 pm May, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

He seriously looks unconscious in the main picture. She is seven degrees of nasty hotness.
.
I’d like to jump her Mississippi river banks. And by river banks I mean her labia majora.
.
What, too soon? Okay, I’ll buy her a couple drinks first.

12:49 pm May, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Wedgie^
.
My concern would be that he did his tour and has come home a bit short on gray matter. And if that is true, than god bless, enjoy the hottie, and a big fat notta for your service. Her boobies will never be enough to make up for your sacrifice, but its a start.

12:57 pm May, 12 Fatness said...

Ubertasty Party Girl Kelly is wearing a wedding ring. Thankfully I can’t see if Slow Kevin is wearing anything but that stupid look on his face, because if he also had a ring on I would have to go crush my head with a sledgehammer. Both of them.

1:06 pm May, 12 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Haircut or skid mark?

1:09 pm May, 12 Anonymous said...

If he is wearing a wedding ring and they are married, then heterosexual marriage should also be outlawed.

1:34 pm May, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Kevin, here’s a word for you, “Proactiv.” Here’s another word, “Clearasil.” Oh wait, two more words, “Oxy 10.”

1:43 pm May, 12 Bflak said...

This chick’s going to write in an call us hatters and demand that her pic be taken down before she calls her antorneys. Mark my words.

1:53 pm May, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I call escort service. And by call escort service I mean I need the number.

1:57 pm May, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

Ugh, another candidate for the weekly. By depression factor alone.

1:58 pm May, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

Bflak I’m thinking we regs need to set up a picture pulling service, where we post all the pics that DB1 has to take down. With commentary.

2:07 pm May, 12 Hermit said...

Kevin was born to an unwed teenage mother who chain- smoked cigars, drank cheap vodka, discount beer and paint thinner. She also indulged in all the popular drugs prevalent in the Wagon Wheel Trailer Park at the time such as, angel dust, quaaludes and blotter acid.
Kevin’s life as a fetus was a struggle against all odds. He developed a chronic cough in the second trimester. He fought bravely through the myriad of chemicals and frequent drunken tumbles down flights of stairs. His mother also played pick-up games of Rugby and dabbled in amateur mud-wrestling right up to the time of his premature birth.
Twice he tried to bail out, but was born nonetheless with limited brain function and a skin condition.
Call him a douche if you will, but I give him a solid notta’ for his pluck and dogged determination.

2:23 pm May, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Hermit
.
“Call him a douche if you will, but I give him a solid notta’ for his pluck and dogged determination.”. Well said sir, well said.
.
I’ve been ruminating a lot lately about your takes on “The Machine” and I look forward to more of your prose.

2:36 pm May, 12 Hermit said...

When Kevin’s mother withdrew the coat hanger, it was twisted into the words, “FU BITCH.”

3:28 pm May, 12 Hermit said...

@ Et Tu 2:23,
Thank you, sir, I’m sure there will be further dispatches, we must not let The Machine keep running unabated .
At times I grow weary of The Machine and it’s relentless march of devastation. Tired of the decapitated heads with their hollow, empty eye sockets, rolling and tumbling across State Highways and Walmart parking lots, but we must endeavor to persevere.

4:44 pm May, 12 soy bomb said...

There’s something true and honest about this pud. He might as well have been born in a mircowave.

6:15 pm May, 12 Nancy Dreuche said...

If Kevin’s backstory is anything like Hermit’s telling of it I give slow Kevin a notta. “The Goodfellas” movie poster is played out though. Unless you’re house is being featured on MTV’s “Cribs”. Then you have to have one.

10:05 pm May, 12 Stephanie said...

He’ll have sex with her,and she’ll start crying….and he’ll write mean stuff about her on Facebook,on his particle board desk.

11:07 pm May, 12 ColorMeDouche said...

Ball State represent!

Aww wait


Damnit….

2:05 am May, 13 Kamagra said...

Not a big for you. His madness is never enough to compensate for their sacrifice, but it’s a start.

4:36 am May, 13 DouchBag3000 said...

Anyone that meticulously places their sunglasses on a shelf, perfectly spaced and Feng Shui compliant, has little if any career, nay, job prospects on their horizon

5:27 am May, 13 Collaz B. Popped said...

We’re the kids in America, 3x
Whoa – oh,
Everybody live for the music go round.

6:52 am May, 13 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

These two are just a coupla’ bad-ass Hoosiers livin’ in the heart of old Klan country, aka Muncie/Delaware County.
However, that’s no reason to give ’em a break.

9:33 am May, 22 Lakeisha said...

Stands back from the keyboard in aazmeemnt! Thanks!

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