Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Second City’s Douchebag

Douche humor in scripted form. Five+ years since we started the revolution, and the mock continues in many forms and permutations. Some funny. Some not so funny. Some that pay the DB1. And some that don’t.

# posted by douchebag1
3:06 pm May, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I must say that I don’t use these words much, but: Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccekn,
RuSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH quality shit man.

3:08 pm May, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Good stuff with a happy ending.
.
SCTV has come a long way since Doug Steckler came down from Canada and slapped together a few characters with Candy, Levi, Moranis, Thomas, Flaherty and O’Hara.
.
Monster Chiller Horror Theatre w/ Count Floyd the Vampire:
.
Blood Sucking Monkeys from West Mifflin PA!!!

3:12 pm May, 11 Nancy Dreuche said...

Funny short. Now pay the lady Second City or we’re gonna have to hear about it for the rest this blog’s eternity.

4:45 pm May, 11 Douchio Iglesias said...

He totally copied the Chazz character from “How to be tight.” I guess that makes this a rip off of a rip off.

5:04 pm May, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’ve heard some crazy wild insane shit but nothing has baffled me as much as Nancy Dreuche’s 3:12 post. wow.

5:15 pm May, 11 Hermit said...

I love the smell of brain fragments on chain link.
In fifteen to twenty minutes the blood will coagulate, and the timid woodland creatures will emerge from hidden places, and begin to feed on this protein-rich windfall.
So it’s pretty much a win-win.

5:21 pm May, 11 Hermit said...

Nancy’s been huffing Formula 409® again.

5:30 pm May, 11 Nancy Dreuche said...

@RevChad, I’m sorry I blew what was left of your drug addled mind. I was merely suggesting that Second City pay “the lady” (DB1), or else she’s gonna whine about it foreeeeever. See: Dennis Leary.
.
@Hermit, its not huffing if you crack a window.

5:43 pm May, 11 Hermit said...

I believe Nancy’s post was actually a metaphor, highlighting the exploitative relationship between a street prostitute and her pimp. She goes on to explain that the so-called, “Oldest Profession” is nearly as timeless as the relentless passing of eternity.
.
Actually, quite astute.

5:51 pm May, 11 Nancy Dreuche said...

Uh yeah, I also meant that metaphor thing, thanks Hermit. Damn generic Windex fumes mixed with Clorox.

7:08 pm May, 11 Stephanie said...

Did anyone see douche bag Situation’s Dad outing him on You Tube? Or TMZ? Dad must be angry…very angry.

7:55 pm May, 11 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Stephanie, that guy is giving Michael Lohan a run for his money for “The World’s Suckiest Father Award”. Yeeesh. There are ways to handle your family business that does not involve the Youtubes.

9:21 pm May, 11 Steve L. said...

whenever i work at a highly urban job site densely populated by hot female morning joggers, i find the sour grape in myself saying “DOUCHE MAGNETS, ALL OF THEM!” a lot.









but i’d be lying if i say that i’m not at all turned on at the thought of a woman who can wake up early in the morning just to stay in shape.

9:23 pm May, 11 Steve L. said...

oh and SCTV has come a long way.

10:01 pm May, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Shitty mudfuckers ruin an otherwise glorious night and hand a young upwardly family into a tailspin. Hermit’s Machine has municipal arms out to get me in the Canadian hometown to which I am retired. Like robotized cannery workers, they plod through the mundane files of every application to be heard this evening at the county tribunal. Application after application quashed like summarily arranged hit squads against tradition and the family unit. ****Notice I didn’t say upwardly? Fucking Yuppies annoy me for now but not in 5 years when they start refinancing their prolonged youth and I scam them for all I can scam, Sam.
.
Mrs. Kroeger, they called. Yes my Lord. Is this application valid and in whole signed by all parties to it. Have ye named the complainants in issue here today? Yea! (She said cursively and with the greatest respect and conviction toward the respondent). Well then, why do you apply for such a permit? For ma family me Lord, all the Dear Reverend and I require is your leave tonight to allow us to use our property as we see fit. To raise all children the way all children have a need, nay an obligation to hand forward to the next generations what they have learned and practiced in their own fields for hundreds, nay ten hundreds times those that the may even fathom in his terms Lord.
.
I didn’t know whether this was the end for us and humanity in general today. I was afraid, no I am to ashamed to say it. OK I was afraid that we and the kids and a few others neighbouring folk were inclined to think that we may retract our application. Mrs. Kroeger woke from a THC pill coma and remembered why we had done this. The spirit that had taken us equals to face the Machine in spite of it’s uncaring and ungodless megolithic supporters.Those intent on hassling the good Irish, Roma, and Jewish for a piece of their action. Nay, a piece of themselves to sacrifice on the new cultural project of the Machine were not going gently into any ironic dark night mutherfuckers..
.
Now we had seen a lot of this Machine shit in other Ontarian municipalities and they tried to kick the human shit out of us. Or at least that left of us that was still human the powers could not take away from us. So we knew how to act on our application, stoned as we were the little , and had launched it aggressively in the new educite. So after all was said by the parties, the local media, (great dudes just got back from smoking with them), a few beers and bitter conversations of disgust with the Party in Charge, we had to pay $12 for a city firepit licence. Son.

10:46 pm May, 11 creature said...

roast ye chestnuts on said fire…son

11:10 pm May, 11 Kamagra said...

He copied the Chazz character from a How to be tight. I guess that makes this a rip off of a rip off.

11:24 pm May, 11 skrag2112 said...

‘Douchebag Assassin’!
Someone make a fucking movie about him now!

4:17 am May, 12 Hermit said...

I’m feelin’ ya’ Rev.
.
Scores of abandoned cars line the side of the road, mouths agape, looking skyward to an uncaring Machine. The drivers crawl toward the light but are soon stuck to the hot asphalt like dried worms on a fuckin’ summer sidewalk.
Fat bureaucrats laugh and fill their lairs with snack food and downloaded Lady Gaga recordings as they shovel coal into the infernal Machine.

6:35 am May, 12 Hermit said...

Jack-booted death squads break through hedges and privacy fences, the shrapnel of splintered cedar and galvanized hardware rain down upon the bewildered family huddled around the newly constructed fire pit. Marshmallows and chicken tendons are scattered to the four corners of the earth. The citizens genuflect before the death squad commanders, blood glistening from the corners of their mouths, demanding to be presented with proper paperwork, certified, pasteurized and notarized by The Machine’s infinite bureaucracy. Small dogs and Chia pets are trampled into the suburban soil, tongues lolling grotesquely in the evening sun. The halcyon days of wine and roses a distant memory.
Tracking devices and carbon monitors are installed by teams of ravenous, robotic technicians. Helpless citizens are left bloodied, butt-stroked and jaw-broken on concrete patios and irrigated lawns, the children rounded up and delivered to retraining camps in large yellow buses.

6:51 am May, 12 Troy Tempest said...

The car’s on fire and there’s no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we’re on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We’re trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

It went like this:

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble
and pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said, “Kiss me, you’re beautiful..
These are truly the last days”

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a daydream or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it’s the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it’s full of blood.

6:54 am May, 12 Troy Tempest said...

7:07 am May, 12 Hermit said...

Damn Troy,
That video actually got ME depressed.(Or at least more depressed.)
.
.
.
Loved it

8:43 am May, 12 Army of Douche-ness said...

I cant decide how I feel baout these DB videos. On one hand, most are funny. For instance, this guy’s characterization was great in being a bit exaggerated for comedic purposes without being too much.

this one below, that DB1 posted way back when is great because it highlights the different strains of the disease

whenhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tqEBQjWRws

On the other hand, it seems like none of them are really any different, in part because we seem to only look at DB’s in terms of their interaction with the ladies vs how would it be to face a DB in a game of one on one, across the table from each other in a negotiation, etc. (of course, that would presume they have respectable careers or hobbies other than trying to be cool).

FInally, being the cynical man that I am, i feel like people WANT to see the girl reject the guy or be disgusted with him (and statistically speaking, an attractive woman probably does reject 99% of suitors or sleeps with hundreds of men a year) except its likely that this would be the guy that slips through the cracks and does not get rejected. Similarly, people WANT to see the non-douche guy take the douche guy down a notch, except I fear the number of non-douchey guys who would stand up to another like that are few and far between, making these videos scream wishful thinking on the part of the powerless.

12:22 pm May, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

The fact that she even stopped shows how bad it is. It’s bullshit irony at work yet again here.

1:49 pm May, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

Ok the ending was redeeming. Still had to go through two minutes of annoying though.

2:07 am May, 13 Kamagra said...

This application invalid and all signed by all parties. Have you called the complainants in question? Yes! (She said cursively and with the utmost respect and the belief that the defendant

Leave a Reply

What is 7 + 12 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)