Monday, May 16, 2011

The Boss is Lost, Al’s Pacas, and oh, yeah…the D’bag o’ the week!

DarkSock here.  In case you didn’t tune in Sunday (from fear of Frolic Exposure) you may have missed the notice about DB1’s sudden departure upon a journey of spiritual awakening; a walkabout to gain enlightenment and penance amongst the feral unshorn alpaca herds grazing in the mist of the Andes mountain ranges.

Walkabout and penance my ass.

So I’m trolling through the Boss’s filthy apartment, pawing amongst the strewn Ho-Ho wrappers and kicked-over half-emptied bottles of Trader Joe’s Blood Orange soda (which faintly smell of rubbing alcohol…) looking for pictures and passwords so I can keep the fight going on this site.

Among the yet-to-be posted pictures I also find death threats from Doc, a monogrammed pair of men’s briefs emblazoned with “Plinky”, the skeletal remains of a Jack Russel Terrier, a subpoena from the Llama/Alpaca Vice Squad Task Force of the Florida Fish and Wild Life Commission, and most disturbingly: a past-due final notice from Big Al Pacas (pictured here), proprietor of the North American chapter of M.A.I.L. (Man-Alpaca Integration League). This “notice” is hand-written on college-rule notebook paper in jagged angry font rendered from a fury-blunted Sharpie marker, and it states that either DB1 coughs up the $5,200 owed in alpaca feed and llama lubricant or Big Al Paca will be forced to send his cousin Thick Vinnie “Shit” Paca over to adjust some external genitalia with his pet snapping turtle.  And yes, that is a euphemism.

But my irresponsible conjecture matters not, only DB1’s parting words: “For the ‘bag mock and hottie lust must continue, unabated, in my absence.

Fear not, our soon-to-be-gelded leader. Those Hotts will not go unabated; they will be bated until our elbow bursitis returns yet again.  GodSpeed, DB1; may you gain enlightenment while avoiding getting sticky alpaca poo on your new hemp sandals.

To that end: let us select the Hottie/Douchebag coupling of the preceding week.  Yeah, for a limited time we’re going back to the Weekly Vote; because I cannot shoulder such an awesome burden of selection alone.  But I can count votes whilst suckling a bottle of Beam like it was the fiery red teat of the First Mother Alpaca.

Here’s yer choices:

HCwDB of the Week #1: Ball State Kevin and Party Girl Kelly.

Ball State Kevin attracts Sex Kitten and Party Girl Kelly’s woo-hottiness into his Sauder-Woodworks-appointed dorm of inequity to do laws only knows what…perhaps change his ball state from blue to empty?  We must not imagine ourselves into a ball state of despair.  But it ain’t easy.








HCwDB of the Week #2:  Bird Poo and Sweaty Sally, as witnessed by Natural Nina.

I would give many things in order to wipe that moon-pie smirk off of Bird Poo’s mug. But Sweaty Sally’s soaked beach towel would not be one of them. I would fight off a sickened grizzly using only it’s own loose scat and a VW fender if that’s what it took to carry her soiled beach blanket around like a perpetually engorged Linus. While Nina watched.








HCwDB of the Week #3:  Chimpy McWhack and Kneeling Kelly


Why, Kelly, are you in proximity to this Ben-Stiller-Simian-Simulcrum? I hope against all hope that this coupling is due to a mix-up involving Ambien, a full bladder and his uncanny resemblance to a bidet.








HCwDB of the Week #4: Jimmy Pud and Mandy.


Jimmie Pud clearly got a Freudian idea whilst using a flat head screwdriver during shop class as he worked towards his doctorate at the Tallahassee Community College Campus. But lovely Mandy prefers Philip-Heads.








This is your Rogue’s Gallery for this week.  Vote, as always, in the comments threads, where I shall skim them, pretend to count, and pick my fave anyway.


# posted by Bagnonymous
7:16 am May, 16 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Bird Poo and Sweaty Sally FTW. And by win I mean sweaty Sally looking like she’s about to pass out, so overcome by douchiness of the Poo. And poo, I mean Bird Poo. Natural Nina is yummy.

7:17 am May, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

My vote must go to the horrid Kevin, hot Kelli and Sauder Woodworking because they are all hard to put together. Suck it Sauder and your left handed cams.

7:19 am May, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

Slo-Kev & Party Girl Kelly FTW!!!!, not your typical HCwDB but the HC quotient is there and Slo-Kev well he just cracks me up.

7:29 am May, 16 skrag2112 said...

Chimpy, because his face is most smackable.

7:32 am May, 16 Bigphatnotadouche said...

Jimmy Pud and Mandy since Mandy is clean and supple. Jimmy Pud is a Pud.

7:40 am May, 16 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Chimpy.
.
Just stumbled upon this depressing development…
http://www.brobible.com/

7:49 am May, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

@MC 900
.
I wish I hadn’t clicked on that link, that there is a market for this is beyond me. Uggh!!!

8:18 am May, 16 Scooby Douche said...

Hell yeah, return of the vote to the people. Long live the revolution! Death to the bourgeoisie!

For a considerable time, maybe 3-4 minutes, I was mesmerized by the spectacular rack of boobage that is Sweaty Sally. I so wanted to cast my vote for her (and do other unspeakable things to her), but Cum Stain there just isn’t up to Weekly honors. He is just a goofball that leaned in for a quick peek at Sally’s treasure trove of titties.

The biggest douche here is Jimmy Pud, what with the tats, the silly hair and the monster watch. Adding weight to my vote is that Mandy is the only Hott in this Weekly not currently on anti-STD medications.

Jimmy Pud and the still-salvageable Mandy FTW.

8:24 am May, 16 Anonymous said...

It was a close call for me between SloKev and Jimmy Pud. Kevin may be given the benefit of the doubt due to his mother having dropped him on his head as an infant.

Jimmy is a deliberate pud and a conscious, self aware, sentient douche. And Mandy is gnawable in oh so many ways.

So my vote goes to Jimmy and his Menstrual Fluid colored Fauxhawk and Mandy’s delicious bikini. FTW.

8:32 am May, 16 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Bird Poo ans Sweaty Sally, because Sally’s arm is about to swing up, leaving Poo lying on the ground in a fetal position, moaning and clutching his snapping turtle.

9:01 am May, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

The vote is back like crack is whack! That being said, my pick for the week is that human bidet and real live Monchichi doll Chimpy and his “I hope she gives at least two shits” hott Kelly. Chimpy is holding up the number 2 so I think there’s a solid chance hes receiving a crap dance.

9:02 am May, 16 /b/ said...

4chan never stopped watching jelly haters. The aesthetic of Zyzz is vibrant. You cannot stop the millions of us around the globe. Cum at me bro! We luv cum. Now that your leader is gone we are preparing to launch the ulitimate attack on your wanker jelly site bra. This Dark Sock must be prepared for total humiliattion. DDos is coming. Resistance is futile. We will not give a second chance this go around bra, jellys, mate. DDos attack will be launched in exactly seven days from now if this site does not cooperate and go down voluntartily. Tpotal shyit satorm going down on ya bro.

9:26 am May, 16 Justin said...

Chimpy.

9:32 am May, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

@/b/, Delightful! I’m sure Zyzz appreciates your allegience and the fact that you most likely go down voluntartily on him. I am ready for your jelly at your earliest convenience. Why wait seven days? What is this, “The Ring”?

9:45 am May, 16 Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang said...

Kelly might not necessarily be a true blooded HOTT, but she’s a cutie from that camera angle, and I REALLY wanna cover chimpy McWhack with honey and set him loose in Alaskan grizzly bear habitat during mating season.
.
#3 FTW.

9:46 am May, 16 The Fourth Horseman of the Douchepocalypse said...

Well written ‘Sock, well written. As for the vote:
Chimpy’s hair alone should win this week’s douchetastic display but Kelly just doesn’t have enough Hott to bring to the table…BUT Mandy does. Soooo innocent, sweet and gnawable…mmmmm! And then there is Jimmy Pud that shows an impressive display of douche traits. If we could add some duck lips, large belt buckle and a douchy hand gesture the Gods would awaken and destroy all of us with a vengeance for destroying the purity of the Hott.

9:48 am May, 16 creature said...

2 big swaying fleshy reasons for me to cast my vote for bird poo….
remeber, crimes against llama are crimes against nature, son

9:58 am May, 16 Vin Douchal said...

If this was for nincompoop of the week we’d have a four way tie. Dregs, the lot of them
.
Ball State Kevin and Party Girl Kelly FTW because this behavior all seems so normal if you’ve never gone further than the local Win-Dixie and your idea of fun is wrestling pigs in a mudhole. Soooo-wee !

10:21 am May, 16 Bag Margera said...

Chimpy Mcwhack and the girl leaving him a poonis, so that he can pretend to be even more black FTW.

10:32 am May, 16 DarkSock said...

Hell, /b/, this sumbitch will probably collapse in 4 days anyway. If you want to be the second tornado comin’ through the trailer park, I can dig it.
.
And thanks for watching!
.
You forgot to vote though.

10:33 am May, 16 dbBen said...

Chimpy Mcwhack
.
He has spent time in front of the mirror working on that smirk. Inventing artificial scenarios wherein he could pull it out and get a laugh. Get off the hook. Get the Mayan Eye of Coitus. He’s been perfecting it. For this he must be recognized. For this he must be mocked. He is an indoctrinated disciple (bro) of The School of Son. Son.

10:35 am May, 16 Ultra Bagnus said...

Chimpy McWhack, of course. He’s got the most bag characteristics including (but not limited to): Fake tan, over gelled gay hair, punchable facial expression, and bag hand gesture. Yes, Chimpy runs away with it this week…. hopefully, right into a wood chipper.

10:35 am May, 16 tall guy said...

Something about the goofy face of Chimpy McWhack reminds me those moments when Mickey Dolenz would pull a joke face on the Monkees. Except McWhack is most definitely not kidding. Kneeling Kelly is somewhat of a hambeast. I guess back in her school her besties teased her mercilessly into an eating disorder. Poor Kelly. However the thing I find most irritating is that Chimpy may be an okay guy. But he’s cultivating the ‘Bag look and needs (yes, fellow ‘Bagsters, ‘needs’) to be mocked. Chimpy McWhack FTW!

10:39 am May, 16 MoeDouche said...

Ball State Kevin FTW!

He just looks like a rancid human being who’s stink Party Girl Kelly has learned to love. And that’s why we salute and mock them with gusto.

10:41 am May, 16 Crucial Head said...

I would seal a feral buffalo’s asshole airtight with a Simpson Rustic Series® OT strap and eat its backlogged feces as it swirls forth from its recently vacated eye sockets just for the privilege of dying of consumption and being reborn as the molten metal that was forged to make the optical image stabilizer housing the 4x zoom lens on the Canon Powershot©©™ currently focused on Sweaty Sally’s money-maker.
.
So, that would be a vote for Bird Poo as well, I reckon.

10:43 am May, 16 Douchble Helix said...

I wasn’t really paying much attention, but I vote for the brunette with the boobies and the long hair for whatever it is we’re doing.

I wondered how long it would take before Dark Sock decided he’d had enough of being DB1’s substitute, and decide to start changing passwords and shit.

The King Is Dead! Long Live The King!

10:45 am May, 16 collossus of choads said...

Chimpy, Chimpy.
A thousand times Chimpy.

Jimmy and Bird are smiling at least, while Kevin’s acne just makes me feel a pang of sympathy.

11:20 am May, 16 idfma said...

While I have nothing clever to say, I do have three things:
.
Chimpy FTW–Planet of the Apes is one of my favorite movies and with that hair, well, you know.
.
Darksock–you da best, baby–bringing back the weekly, and there may have been an equally good choice (not sure who), none better than you to fill the boss’ shoes. Glad to see you at the helm (or peering in to the next anus slated for micturation).
.
Finally, fuck 4chan. You handled it nicely, but for a bunch of ‘alphas’ they sure seem like some insecure folks.

11:29 am May, 16 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Glad to see there’s a wealth of regs with time on their hands willing to step up while the boss is away. Who says high unemployment is a bad thing?
.
FTW, Kelly for being girl-next-door hott near perfection. Didn’t we all know a girl like her in high school? I got a D in trig because of a girl like that.
.
Chimpy has ferrets nesting in his hair.

11:33 am May, 16 Ol' Dirty Douchebag said...

Jimmy Pud and Mandy FTW. Mandy’s a solid hott albeit not in Sweaty Sally or Kelly’s league. Considering equal weighting on the HC and DB sides of the equation, Jimmy Pud covers all db bases well enough to carry them FTW. Kevin is punching well above his weight so I give him a notta and my blessing to enjoy this while it lasts. I’m still not clear on what Nina and Sally are looking at, much less giggling at. Hopefully it’s Bird Poo’s post urinal port side drip.

11:50 am May, 16 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Jimmy Pud and Mandy FTW. Simple rule: When uninspired by the douches let the hot chicks lead the way and win the day. Mandy gets all the credit for this win as she possess the uber sucklegnawable thighs and torso, and is a fine example of the great tail one can pull by being a douchebag.

12:06 pm May, 16 jonezy said...

I choose Chimpy. Maybe not the best Hott, which is my normal criterion, but for the LOLz I was greeted with upon seeing his stupid fucking face. What. A. Douche.

12:21 pm May, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m not swayed by Kelly’s dark roots or odd photo angle, I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt before declaring her a not-hott. In addition, Chimpy was more interested in making his stupid ape-face and hand-jive the instant he saw the camera, than in the possibility of being photographed with a girl who seemed to be interested in his existence. This, to me is wronger than the rest of the hotts being interested in their douchey captors. Chimpy punchface for the poo-flinging win.

12:22 pm May, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

BTW, thanks for bringing back the vote, ‘Sock. Like good old times!

12:47 pm May, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Since a write-in vote for /b/ would be wasted…
.
Bird Poo and Sweaty Sally, as witnessed by Natural Nina FTW! Why? Sweaty Sally brings back sultry in spades for the hott while Bird Poo brings nothing but douche to the table. Hair, check. T3 shades, check. Bird poo Affliction shirt, check. AND he has the balance of a bowling ball perched on the end of a #2 pencil OR the wrestling skills of a 97 year-old Alzheimer’s patient trying to remember if they have legs and what they are used for. He’ll claim he was trying to cop a fell or get her in proper bj position but with Natural Nina as a witness to such an unholy coupling and the background (potential) hotts to record said action for posterity he comes out a loser not just here but in life as well.

1:37 pm May, 16 ehcuodouche said...

Great job, DS, introducing our sack of swine and gaggle of goddesses to be mocked this week.

I would normally vote for Bird Poo and Sweaty Sally without hesitation, because he resembles what is coating the base of the lamppost outside my front door and she is almost as sweaty as I get when I ponder her tastefully inflated golden globes and raven hair, and ponder which part of my anatomy should be directly under her on that blanket.

But Bird Poo looks exactly like He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks – c’mon he has the same goofy haircut people, am i the only one who remembers his pre-stackhouse odes to women, money and frosty beverages – and I can’t vote for a HoS member or even his eviler twin.

So I’ll be voting for “Come Back to the Jiffy Lube” Jimmy Pud Jimmy Pud and sweet innocent athletic Mandy, the only woman in the lineup I wouldn’t catch the herp from.

And Jimmy, I’m still pissed you didn’t put the damn oil cap back on right when you were done. I hope a giant dead engine block falls on your stupid fraux.

2:32 pm May, 16 Hermit said...

Ball state Kevin is a study in paradox. He’s just a little slow, but not afraid show affection. Has had persistent acne since thirteen, but always cleans his room after an epileptic episode. He graduated at the top of his special ed class, yet has difficulty with seemingly simple concepts. Voted employee of the month at Arby’s® two consecutive months and was able to balance a pet iguana and strep throat without losing his focus on the important things in life like family, friends and community.
.
I have no idea what I’m talking about, but I’ve always been drawn to chicks like Kelly. Her insecurity, brought on by her somewhat homely face, is a potential passport to her heaving breast nipcickles and jiggly ass cheeks.
.
God bless Kevin, he represents all that is good, pure and wholesome. He is our future. God Bless the USA, God bless Canada, our home and native land. And most of all God bless our newly restored democracy!
.
What was the question again?

2:34 pm May, 16 mr.reeve said...

#1 Party Girl Kelly FTB or FTW. Both are winners. Boners and winning that is…..wait…what the hell am I typing? Kelly will soon realize that Ball Sack Kevin’s cocck is jelly and he just wants her to cum on him bro! Fucken Aussie fucks.
SON

2:47 pm May, 16 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Jimmy Pud. Mainly for Mandy. Her smile could make me do things to impress her that John Hinckley would never imagine.

3:26 pm May, 16 Organic Alpaca Nutrition said...

If you find DB1, let me know.
I don’t get my commission ’till that sucka’ pays up!
.
.
Also, we’ve got a great line-up of new products for the summer season. Stay tuned.
.
Oh yeah, since Al’s Pacas isn’t eligible, I cast my vote for Jimmie Pud. His hair style reminds me of a young buck Llama I was involved with last summer.

3:28 pm May, 16 Horace Dangleballs said...

Narcoleptic Kevin and Demon-eyed Kelly.

Just because three seconds after this pic was taken he vomited the 12-pack of Old Style and Funyuns all over her lovely chest. Serves her right, too.

4:52 pm May, 16 Mr. Biggs said...

A most vintage week. I gotta go with Ball State Kevin. For he is the poster boy for all that is mindless, BS and needs to be flushed down the toilet in America. And Party Girl Kelly is all that is gates of paradise and the future gone horribly wrong.

5:29 pm May, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit, re: “Our newly restored democracy”. If a democracy is when everyone gets 1 vote, what’s it called when one guy gets 22 votes? You’re a smart guy I figured you might know.
.
As for “The Machine” check out Goldfrapp’s “Strict Machine”. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about.

5:53 pm May, 16 Douchey the Great said...

I’m going with Jimmy Pud and Mandy. Pud has all the prerequisites, stupid hair, stupid tats and bling. Mandy has the suckle thigh and at a club around 1:00AM she has the face that launched a thousand fists.

6:36 pm May, 16 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

The weekly is back? Neat.
.
.
Al’s Pacas for the win. Everyone knows the alpaca is the duchiest of all the ungulates. So Al wins by association.

6:38 pm May, 16 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Nevermind…not even the extreme douche power of the alpaca can defeat Chippy McAssclown or whatever his name is…

7:29 pm May, 16 creature said...

Al Pacas & his ‘mate’ are the guys that attacked the Giant fan on opening day…jus so you know

7:45 pm May, 16 Troy Tempest said...

First off, the weekly vote was one of the best things about this site as it really brought the mock on at full volume. When DB1 went to ex cathedra weekly announcements, this website became less interesting. Sure, tallying the votes is a pain but it only takes an hour or so. Like that’s fuccen work.

So, tip o’ the hat to darksock for bringing back the vote. Democracy is where it’s at.

Now, what have we got here? It doesn’t fuccen matter – it all goes to Chimpy. His hott looks like she’s thinking “when I stand up I’m going to walk in front of a bus because I can’t stand the shame or smell of this twatwaffle.”

And Chimpy? He’s there with the flingin’ blingin’ smirky douchetude. What an asshole.

Chimpy FTW.

9:22 pm May, 16 Grand Douchemeister said...

I’ve got to go with Chimpy. There’s a certain ambivalence to his douchiness that isn’t defined in legal terms.

The hair is offensive, but not outrageous.

The shirt is designer douche, but not Ed Hardy.

The kissy lips exist, but are combined with a smirk.

I feel as if this chameleon douche is more a threat than the obvious pudwacks that pop up from time to time. He’s the enemy within, a Machurian Douche Candidate.

9:53 pm May, 16 Sir David Douchenborough said...

When Jane Gooddall returned to continue her revolutionary work in exploring the evolutionary relationships of apes, nothing was heard from her for awhile. However, upon her return, she was frazzled, mortified, and worst yet, completely flummoxed to the point of self-resignation. Her colleagues, desperate in trying to decipher what tragedy befell her during her last expedition, queried, yet in solemn reply, she said, “In all my life and my work, I was bridging the gap between humankind and the Hominidae, yet upon seeing one, squatting near a female human and adorned in garish attire, I simply could not look away. His contorted face as if though he suffered a chromosome deletion shook me to my core as it put into question all that I have known and studied. I ask myself frighteningly the human consequences of being evolutionary related to something like this, and my conclusion was ominous. I cannot go on. I simply cannot go on.”
.
So, Chimpy it is for forcing Jane Gooddall into fits of psychological and intellectual apoplexy and putting doubt in the evolutionary future of humankind whilst ringing the death knell of positive humanism with the accoutrements toxically secreted by the amorphous doucheblob known as Nickelback.

2:51 am May, 17 Kamagra said...

I’m ready for the jelly as soon as possible. Why wait seven days? What is this

3:51 am May, 17 Collaz B. Popped said...

Ball State Kevin for the win…..Nina must watch tho.

Nice job picking up the slack Dark Sock.

8:22 pm May, 17 Stephanie said...

Chimp for my boot to his face.

9:44 pm May, 17 DarkSock said...

Well hell there’s a tie between Ball State Kevin and Jimmy Pudwack for 2nd place…
.
Oh yeah, I haven’t voted yet…
.
Ball State K For The Win!
.
Errrm, I mean, Second Place!
.
Voting is now closed. Except for spammers an’ shit. DAMN YOU REVEREND CHAD for bringing forth the pharma spam!

9:45 pm May, 17 DarkSock said...

And in DB1’s defense…tallying the votes and then pasting all this shit into WordPress is a HUGE fucking pain. As Troy said, it’s an hour’s worth of work.
.
If. You. Are. Sober.
.
Me, I’m in my 3rd hour on this mofo….startin’ to cut into the ass pear….

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