Friday, June 17, 2011

Ask DB1: Is Mr. T a Progenitor of The Modern ‘Bag?


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Dear DB1,

There are certain events in people’s lives that force them to take account of their main priorities.

For instance, this week I was gifted with the birth of my first daughter, and it made me realize how important it is or me to renew my commitment to douchebag mock. Maybe by the time little Audrey is of dating age, the Grieco virus will have gone the way of smallpox: a vague threat heard now and then from terrorist groups.

One can hope, or one can mock.

However, I wish to go deeper this time, to delve into the heart of the problem. Of course, I’m referring to the state of douchebag genetics and antiviral research.

Everyone knows that research into the Grieco virus is almost as well funded as that of HIV, yet we still don’t have a cure. Although the situation looks bleak, a promising lead has presented itself. As strange as it sounds, the answer could lie in the blood of Mr. T (shown here with hot chick)?

He refers to himself in the 3rd person, sports bling, tatts, muscle shirts and a mohawk, yet is clearly not a douchebag. Does he have some kind of unknown immunity, or is he a paradox of sorts, defying fundamental understanding? What say you DB1? It’s for the children.

Luis Douchuel
—-

An interesting theory, however Mr. T is not immune from douchebaggery, he is outside of the construct entirely. Mr. T has, of course, earned a lifetime nottadouche and a permanent exemption under the Performative Leniency Rule and the fact he is pure awesome.

Just as W.W.E. fighters are exempt, performative proto-douchery in service of cartoonish spectacle is akin to theatrical dress-up, and therefore not linked to the history of the Grieco Virus.

It would be like blaming Paul Reubens for dressing absurdly as Pee Wee Herman. Characters and performance in the fictional setting can only be mocked when such performance spills into an absurdist ego-driven narcissism, as with vintage Vanilla Ice, or Chico Marx during his infamous Cuban Orgy bacchanal period in the late 1940s.

In conclusion, hipster icon or not, Betty White will always be hott.

# posted by douchebag1
9:39 am June, 17 Bigphatnotadouche said...

Mr. T. can pull some Hott.




Bitches

9:45 am June, 17 creature said...

fact… Mr. T is a bear & likes it in his orchestra pit

10:07 am June, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I pity the fool that romanticizes about having a daughter. Don’t have another one man, they are just pure evil unless they are mute. And Congratulations!
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Mr. T rose to fame out of some Battle of the Bouncers deal in the 70’s and he is no Hannibal.
That George Peppard was as queer as a Lady Gaga fan.
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Betty White was one hot chick and funny and horny. Entertainmentical Fact.
..
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Faces

10:10 am June, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Mr. T fucked Betty White so hard she had an orgasm for 22 years. Interracial/Intergenerational Fact.
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Marys

10:11 am June, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

In 1981 Mr. T bought a Porsche and ate it for parts.
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Toby

10:13 am June, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Mr. T wears so much gold around his neck he can depreciate currencies when showering.
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BJs

10:14 am June, 17 Et Tu Douche? said...

If Mr T were a Bag, would he be referred to as Mr T-Bag??? Get it T-Bag
.
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Chirp, Chirp, Silence, resulting shame
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I got nothing

10:15 am June, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Mr. T wears so much gold around his neck his cock ring is angry.

10:16 am June, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Mr. T wears so much bling around his neck his head thinks it’s a foreskin.

10:26 am June, 17 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mr. T wears so much bling around his neck even old school rappers laugh at him.

10:30 am June, 17 Claude Douchenbagger said...

.The Mathematical Proof for Mr. T’s Infinite Pity: For life to exist there must be a symmetric equation regarding the factors of pity(p) and fools(f) -> p-f=0. If any one factor rose to a level higher than the other, life as we know it would cease to exist. The fool factor can be decisively measured by dividing jibba-jabba(j) by tolerance for said jibba-jabba(t) -> f=j/t. With these two equations we can deduce: p-f=0; f=j/t ->p-(j/t) = 0 -> p = j/t. This equation leads to quite an interesting result. As we can see, if we hold jibba-jabba constant, as tolerance for said jibba-jabba approaches 0, pity approaches infinity. Now we all well know that Mr. T “ain’t got no time for the jibba-jabba.” In fact, extensive observational studies have been conducted and even with machines able to calculate with precision to the 23rd decimal place, Mr. T’s tolerance for jibba-jabba has been conclusively found to be 0, and therefore Mr. T’s pity is the literal embodiment of the concept of infinity.

10:32 am June, 17 Claude Douchenbagger said...

Top 100 facts about Mr T
if the link doesnt work google it.

http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=mrt

11:11 am June, 17 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Luis D. Congrats! Girls are awesome! Just don’t be a drunk and drugged out Dad 24/7 and she’ll head into the world with a positive male role model to guide her. If you choose to be spaced out and buzzed throughout her entire childhood she might head the way of the bleeth in her later years for she will be looking for someone just like Dad ipso facto, a douchebag.
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@Claude D, 10:30a, if you came up with that, you need the Nobel Prize for Maths. Freaking funny.

11:16 am June, 17 creature said...

I wouldn’t say he’s scared, but, Mr. T avoids Samurai Scrote

11:20 am June, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

I do believe Mr. T gets the Rockstar Leniency rule, if anybody does.

11:27 am June, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Nancy
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Quit the jibba-jabba.
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Cornelius

11:47 am June, 17 DarkSock said...

Mr T totally stole his act from Zack Galianofokiapolifikusipoulous.
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asdgfwe
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Bocephus.

12:06 pm June, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Mr. T’s cock is an actual cadaver baby’s arm.
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Which ends in a baby fist.
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With little gold rings on each finger.
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12:08 pm June, 17 Anonymous said...

I LOVE COCK RINGS!! I GET MINE FROM COCK RING WAREHOUSE!!

12:37 pm June, 17 Hermit said...

Mr T is actually Betty White’s bastard love child, the product of her adulterous afair with Frederick Douglass.

12:42 pm June, 17 Mandouchian Candidate said...

next….

1:34 pm June, 17 Nancy Dreuche said...

@RevChad, just sayin’.

hey boy, hey boy, you look mighty cute in them jeans.

gumbies.

4:52 pm June, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Mr. T was ALWAYS cool!

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