Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Dougie Clings to Fading Youth

Somewhere, in a condo apartment in Jersey City, Long Island, a ten year old girl wonders why her newly divorced daddy keeps going out at night dressed like a douche.

Don’t worry, little Tonya. Tuck yourself in and sleep tightly.

For Daddy won’t get far with that Faux. Your new mommy will not be one of the waitresses from the Dew Drop Inn.

# posted by douchebag1
6:58 am June, 28 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

All three hotts look insane. Probably for the best that Tonya will not end up with boiled bunnies.

7:14 am June, 28 Edith Anne Tarbox of Dripping Springs Tx said...

bada bing bada boom buttafuoco.

maybe the bleeths are a law firm that specializes in settling divorces “out of court”

or naughty teachers who rape torture kill horny young boys, because all the well off boys ever did was use them as a substitute for kleenex.

7:16 am June, 28 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I think he was just helping them move in.

7:17 am June, 28 army (ret) douche said...

I kind of wish he was orange to complete the total redundancy of his douchitude. Which brings me to this question…. is having paid to pose hotts in itself a douche signifier? it fits all the narcissistic tendencies of the ‘bag but is it as offensive as the physical manifestations?

7:19 am June, 28 Mr. Belvadouche said...

i think he’s poking blondie in her back with his tiny man-dad cock. tiny pube faux just in case things work out

7:20 am June, 28 jonezy said...

however, you better study hard little Tonya, because you’ll be needing a scholarship to have any chance to pay for college after dad spends all his money on hair gel and stupid clothes.
.
Oh, who am I kidding? You’ll be a stripper, and the money will invariably go towards diapers, not tuition.

7:27 am June, 28 Mandouchian Candidate said...

He might be the “break in guy” for a Craigslist Girlfriend Experience ring…

True story; Omaha NE about a month ago this neanderthal looking mofo got sentenced to 7-10 for having sex with a 13 year old. Case details came out that a prostitution ring hired this guy to break them in. Probably- just like dad here- so that girls would learn to stomach anything, as long as it leads to cashmoney.

7:45 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Meet Ezra Brigham and family: The coolest Mormons.

7:48 am June, 28 Et Tu Douche? said...

The craziness in the girls eyes scare me, the desperation, regret, shame & fail that emanates from Dougie’s visage makes me sad.

7:48 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Later that evening, as he lay strapped down and screaming, surrounded by candles and his own entrails, Paul remembered too late what “coven” meant.

7:49 am June, 28 Anonymous said...

I think Blond “Hott” in the middle looks like she has an uncle whose first name is Daddy.

7:51 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Depression and shame caved in on Doug as he looked at his beautiful young daughters and realized from their clothes, attitude and demeanor that they were having numerous acts of sexual congress with young men each week…and he wasn’t making a dime off of it.

7:53 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

“OK, girls…who wants to be the first to play Uncle Daddy’s yogurt trumpet tonight?”

8:00 am June, 28 Wedgie said...

“Pooperstar”???

8:04 am June, 28 Dan said...

I see the douche, where’s the HC ?

8:17 am June, 28 Et Tu Douche? said...

^ @DarkSock
Don’t you mean yogurt clarinet?

8:34 am June, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

Dougie’s Angels can’t seem to slove the case of Dougie’s missing self respect.

8:43 am June, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

Heh heh. Slove. You would think being a detective and all I would know how to spell solve. Think again!

8:52 am June, 28 Steve L. said...

why didn’t the mother get custody of Tonya?
props to the legal system of the northeast!
… or not.

9:00 am June, 28 Troy Tempest said...

Hate to say this folks, but we’re looking at a FAMILY of Douchebags.

Dad? Greasy Grey Fauxhawk – mid 40s.
Mom? The brunette at far left. look at the picture closely. Look at the length of her nose (not the size, the length) and also look at her jaw line. She’s smiling, so the fat is up in her cheeks, BUT the cheeks are already there – So when she stops smiling, she’ll look like she’ll need a facelift in about 5 years.

Now, The brunnette on the right is CLEARLY the mother’s daughter, but has the Dad’s sorta squinty eyes. Blondie’s got Dad’s nose and fat cheeks, but not much of mom. So, this is my theory:

18 years ago, when dad was in his late 20s, he was being his typical douche self, and got some blonde chick all knocked up. He didn’t know it, but his actual girlfriend (Mom here) was also preggers. Things go along, Mom has brunette hottie baby, and a year later the skank that DouchieDad fucked shows up with his baby saying “Give me money and take care of this brat!”

This put an ENORMOUS strain on his relationship with his S.O., brunette hottie mom (BHM). However, when skank takes off with $20k and leaves the baby behind, she sees an opportunity – she decides that indeed, they can keep the little blonde scamp and raise them as sisters. Skanky exGF ends up dying of crack addiction / AIDS / or some infection from sleeping on the streets OR finds herself in jail in Hong Kong with no idea how she got there, gets her shit together and builds a new life as a stewardess on USAir – the memory of her daughter a fading relic of a life she left behind.

The photo we are looking at is Brunette Hottie’s 18th birthday, and the whole family is dressed at its best for a nice night on the town: Dinner at Sizzlers.

9:03 am June, 28 Vin Douchal said...

Three angry , glowing eyed zombies wait in the wings to devour their brains…. they’ll go hungry

9:03 am June, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Dougie is in so far over his head, that if this were a game of basketball, the net would be approximately 85 stories above him.
.
The Katerina sisters can smell a credit card from 60 meters away, and can read the numbers using special receptors in their skin through 4 centimeters of lead. They are like sharks in that they have the acute senses of an apex predator… OK, let’s face it, the are EXACTLY like sharks.

9:06 am June, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Well, at least one of the misprinted Walmart “Cock Star” T-shirts got sold.

9:16 am June, 28 Vin Douchal said...

BTW, Troy is right
.
.
.
.
Stickey Fingers

9:16 am June, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

How much is that Dougie in the window? Well, we’ll soon find out after these she vultures shake him down. Blondie in the middle looks like she could see the contents of your wallet when its in your pants in the other room with that penetrating stare of hers.

9:29 am June, 28 Steve L. said...

Tonya’s new mommy will most likely be:
a) Rosie O’Donnell
b) Oprah Winfrey
c) Madeleine Albright
d) Janet Reno









i hope Tonya isn’t reading this right now.

9:38 am June, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I’m absolutely no shit serious when I say that this guy looks like my neighbor. I guess this pic was taken before the impending divorce that he just told me about. Seems brainiac got pissed at his Mrs and decided it would be a good idea to throw her engagement ring out the window and somewhere into my yard. I found him wandering one morning near my fence while coming home from walking my dog looking for the ring when he regaled me with this tale. So for anybody looking for that quickie divorce, try this, it sure works quick!

9:41 am June, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The one on the right reminds me of a mocha skinned hooker from Montreal I banged a few times when I had the seven year itch. Oh sweet teenaged Annie were you really having orgasms when we met in various hotel rooms you hired or just earning your $175.00 and speaking to me in broken english while you thought about how the dreams you had blew up that Christmas day when you were kissing your grandpa and he tried to get his gnarled woodsman’s pinky up your ass like I did.
.
Whores

11:31 am June, 28 Douche Springsteen said...

is that Fat Mike from that shitty punk band whose name escapes me?

12:14 pm June, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Douche Springsteen, yes it is.

1:10 pm June, 28 tall guy said...

Blondie in front does so have that killer gimme all your money stare that’s so essential for today’s money grabbing skank. Also, brunette on left looks like straight outta Petticoat Junction. Dude’s a douche of the first order. And if I ever succeed in World domination my first order of business will be to eradicate such idiots.

5:20 pm June, 28 creature said...

‘threefer’ night at Burt’s Beach Blanket Bango’s

6:53 pm June, 28 Edith Anne Tarbox of Dripping Springs Tx said...

“its a classy joint behind the strip mall on the old loop extention

, yeah, past the place we play cards,

and the place that cuts up the deer meet, no, behind the strip mall, yeah, its a classy place, they have a big sheet of plywood in the window,

no, they own the parking lot, my buddy with the twitchy condition, he is a part owner.

yeah, i am bringing the girls along

they are fresh off the boat from lithuania, tragic tragic family stories, you’re heart goes out to them.

yeah, we are trying to get them paired off for big money, to some investors in that sort of thing, like mail brides, except we deliver, what brown can do for you and that fed ex shit.

you gotta take care of me with the cash, you walk with the merch, its that simple.

nah, if we don’t get a bidder, we send them off to the club, they can work their own way back, or stay, and work for chubby.

-overheard in jerz.

babykillers

8:20 pm June, 28 Guid is Good said...

Plywood is the new glass.

9:35 pm June, 28 creature said...

‘one word..plastics!’

9:39 pm June, 28 idfma said...

He looks like a really douchey John Prine, which depresses me on so many levels. Wow.

6:58 am June, 29 Pepe Le Douche said...

That’s no douche, that’s Alec Baldwin w/ a faux hawk!

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