Sunday, June 19, 2011

Gangsta Vegans

A little Los Angeles satire to go with your Sunday pancakes.

# posted by douchebag1
7:49 am June, 19 Anonymous said...

Never liked WestLos. Now I like it even less.

8:02 am June, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Fucking Father’s Day. The day of the year when every body and the TV remind you that you are still the father of those two little Irish/Jew shemonsters that started screaming to wake you up by default after a day of screaming at the little one’s birthday party yesterday. Before noon and they already got friends in the pool screaming. Wife should have tried to keep it on the down low but no ten alarm headache here already and another attempt at AM sobriety failed.
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Maybe I should have turned and left the bar with Tami the beautiful Italian tramp that broke my heart that fateful evening when I chose my road toward this soul ruining pit of suburban despair I find myself in again lo these few months after rehab. I think today is the day when my on-call pharmacist will say, ” I tols ya you’d be back is going to happen. Lenny The Box will be meeting me at the park as I take the old dog for her walk and return to prepare for today’s party armed with a short yet necessary supply of opiates and benzos to heal my anxiious mind for this one time.
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Come to me sweet drugs. Be here when I get back from playing mini-putt. Mini-putt. Why the fuck would they want me to go play mini-putt? I fucking give up. I’m gonna be wasted by early afternoon.
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Pawns

8:11 am June, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Oh yea. Happy Father’s Day. And Happy GLBTT Day to Nancy. Don’t harsh my post mini-putt buzz Nancy you prune.
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League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen

8:15 am June, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

Meh

8:30 am June, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

Lenny The Box sounds like my kind of guy, get some Rev

8:55 am June, 19 Nancy Dreuche said...

I met a gangsta vegan once. He tried to put extra red onions on my sammich, and I was like “Hold up homey, I don’t want to be tasting that stuff all the damn day.” And then he pocket-mulched the extra onions and then everything was cool. Wonder what happened to that guy. I liked him.
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Settle down RevChad. You do what you gotta do. Hell, they ain’t my kids so its none of my bizness. Thanks for the GLBTT shout out. If only I were into women, it be ten times easier. You dudes is so complicated and shit.
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Cheeto fingers

9:51 am June, 19 creature said...

I stuffed a cucumber in a vegan once

9:58 am June, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Mini-Putt? That sure was a hoot. While we were playing the Mrs. met Nicole Dickman. Her husband Heath Turban was playing sitar at the Canadian Legion this weekend. Lenny left my stuff if the box. I gonna get mellow and shit.
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Critics

10:46 am June, 19 Hermit said...

Reverend Chad is becoming more and more openly hostile towards Nancy. I’m thinking if he falls off the opiate wagon and succumbs to the lure of pharmacological dependence, he’ll become the shy, stable, unassuming family man we once knew and loved.
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Kimosabe

10:52 am June, 19 Hermit said...

My brother was popping 30-40 vicodins a day when he finally quit, they put him on some kind of methadone. He’s been clean for three years now.
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He gave me one of those big orange-flavored horse pills and I could barely function. I missed the turn-off to the house I’ve lived in for six years in broad daylight.
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Buddy

10:52 am June, 19 mr.reeve said...

Word up! I feel you Rev my dawg. My new little Reeve is waking me up all early and shat. Everytime I drink about 3 beers I fall asleep. He is my AA without all the whining people and fucked up stories. “Get sum” sleep that is….SON!!!!!
Happy Father’s Day to all the anti-douche dads out there. SONS

1:12 pm June, 19 tall guy said...

Reading you reminds me why I avoided parenthood, Rev.

1:18 pm June, 19 Richard said...

Vancouver rioter bag, don’t know if you’ve already posted this one. http://nationalpostnews.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/riot11.jpg

1:36 pm June, 19 DarkSock said...

I pocket-mulched a horse once.
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Yeah, Rev, I’m sure having all-girls is its own personal hell, but boys ain’t no picnic either. The two youngest are 4 and 7 and they fight like Catholic girls fuck: hard and constantly. Kid.
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I told them if they cleaned the dog shit out of the back yard (and by “clean” I mean take the little hand-shovel and lob it into Momma’s bushes in the corner of the yard) then I’d let them play in the sprinkler or something. Then I duck back in from the heat to make my first tumbler of Old Overholt on the rocks. 45 seconds later they are back in the house, the oldest taunting the youngest, holding high over his head like some golden prize, an immense shovel-load of yellow-green dog poop the size of an elder child cockk. The young one, shrieking that he saw it first and it was his, thinks quickly and gut-whacks the older one with his shit-shovel, then they both proceed to roll around on the carpet, amidst the now-fragmented man-sized dog turd, face-punching each other with haymakers.
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They may one day go to Princeton or Yale, but right fucking now they are fighting each other for dog shit.
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Goodbye, Sober Day.
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Who-Bags.

1:45 pm June, 19 tall guy said...

Don’t worry DarkSock, so long as they can charm the knickers off a nun they’ll be okay!

2:46 pm June, 19 The Dude said...

There once was a vegan I peed in
The cucumber’d left veg-ho bleedin’
She tended to belch
When fed pocket mulch
Grabbed from an afternoon’s weedin’

2:56 pm June, 19 The Dude said...

veg-ho s/b vegan

Doucherick 101

4:33 pm June, 19 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit 10:46a, “quiet, shy and stable”? Meanwhile I’ll go get the popcorn and prepare for the vagina fallout, operation furniture fire, and three way on a Seadoo with Miley Cyrus. Sounds a heck of a lot better than NBC’s summer of repeats.
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Happy Father’s Day DarkSock. Hopefully your gang made you one of those coupon dealies and one is “Good for one free pee in the animal of your choosing. No questions asked.”

4:53 pm June, 19 Nancy Dreuche said...

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Tonto

4:55 pm June, 19 Hermit said...

@ DarkSock 1:36,
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That’s all just preparation for the time when you get a call at 2:00 am to bail one out of jail because he flipped a brand new Mitsubishi into a ditch and failed the breathalyzer.
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Or after they finally move out and you think you’re a free man and he moves back in with their baby-momma and baby in tow.
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You’ll look back with fondness to the happy times when they were simply flinging shit on each other.

5:10 pm June, 19 Hermit said...

And BTW, neither one of mine is going to Yale or Harvard.
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Cool Cat

5:18 pm June, 19 Hermit said...

@ Rev,
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Be thankful you have girls. My boys have lost enough of my tools to stock a chain of hardware stores.
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Daddy-o

5:53 pm June, 19 Medusa Oblongata said...

Staving off the inevitable call to Papa Oblongata. Hoping the card made it there in time to absolve me of the responsibility. I don’t wanna talk to mistress #7, now wife. She’ll probably just tell me he’s not home anyway, and that’s just fine with me. I don’t even know what we’d talk about anyway, the time my mom caught him in bed with a 19 year old while my sister and I slept in the next room, or his child porn collection or how long it took him to get off the morphine. WTFE. Cocksucker. Fuck off.
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Happy Father’s Day to the rest of you who are sort of not shirking your duties.
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Pal.

6:18 pm June, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

We sat around a large Jesus-sized table on our celestial mansion sipping rot-gut gin martinis and reminiscing about our last time together on this good Earth. It had been a terrifying day what with the train crash at the mini-putt and all. So close to going into the arms of Azreal, the Angel of Death. He would have been pleased to take us and see us all together again after a few millenia that our cosmic souls were apart in a sequence of reunions going on in a loop since the beginning of time.
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Reverend Chad Sr. raised the first toast. “I propose to honor all the magnificent souls woth which I have transitionally dreamwalked over the ages. May we continue to walk and know ourselves more deeply with each passing lifetime. But we need a new plan.” “Chad Jr. is all pissed off at having girls and now he’s all woozy again because he’s back on the fucking junk. I just gave him my Cadillac and the little fucker put a Grateful Dead sticker on it. Piece of shit is just pissed because I bought a new Lincoln and he’s stuck in his house on medical license suspension and his wife is making more money.”
“He fucking spends all day ordering skateboards and drinking whiskey and God know what else and he’s always mumbling something about douchebags.” “He can make a good supper and he’s a good host but fuck. Can we just give the nigger a kick in the ass so he is the rock star of the family again instead of some Couch Fish with dysentary.” I lost it!
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I looked over at my trusted companion Minoch. Minoch stood up fro me ensuring the Father’s Day crowd would not harsh the host’s buzz mellow. ” My friends. Chad is and has been a little under the weather for the last few years but a new era has dawned. Chad is ready again to be the successful businessman he was before the troubles. A life of not just wealth and comfort anymore, but a life of fulfillment with a loving wife and children and a new meaning to his work as a loan shark.
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“I’ll wait a year to be born again to help Chad, urges Lintar, a female with male appendages. I will be chad’s new wife. Then Tami, the beautiful Italian girl that broke his heart came into the room. ” Hi Chaddy. Want to go out and smoke a blunt while I’m smoking your giant cocks. I really want you back baby. Your kids are freaks. You have got to ski-didly-daddle out of here or you are going to die.” I lost it.
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The utter hopelessness that I had been feeling rushed over me like a dog’s wet fart an a humid summer day. I screamed to Galgamesh, ” Why couldn’t ye have bleesed me with a son with full penis and broad scrotum like my brothert. I hate you.” Glagamesh did not respond but a srange messenger. A man of Peace, Lenny the Box, spoke to me and saif it’s over Kroeger. You’re stuck. The only way out is drugs or transitioning into a new being. Take these pills and call me late asshole”. I lost it.
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In the end we only have ourselves because the other people don’t fucking care. So get your buzz on. Get fucking loaded tonight. Say your prayers. And maybe one day you will end up with young boys beating the shit out of each other in the oile of shit in the family room. AAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMeNNNNNNNNNNN!!
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Hamburglers
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8:36 pm June, 19 creature said...

don’t complain rev, all ize got are ukulele’s, a quiver of surfboards & whiskey…wait, what was my point?

8:37 pm June, 19 creature said...

uhm…never mind
cousin

8:59 pm June, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmmmmm!!!!!, rot-gut gin martinis
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Scurvy Knaves

9:20 pm June, 19 DarkSock said...

I’m flailin’ on my new uke, now, Creature. And no, that’s not a euphemism for masturbation. Not for another 45 minutes, anyway.
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oile of shit.

9:24 pm June, 19 Doucheywallnuts said...

I love those Stream of Semi-Consciousness Rants.
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Padres

10:15 pm June, 19 creature said...

‘Karate Kid’ w/Jaden Smith is better than og because Ralph Machio was a 24 yr old douche pretending to be 16…tho a young Liz Shue provided great ‘batin’ imagery!
…that & Jackie Chan actually knows martial arts…even to Miyagi dojo is a baddass name

10:17 pm June, 19 creature said...

…all that & anyone who trucks with ‘Pony Boy’ never gets props

10:18 pm June, 19 creature said...

…Soda Pop!

8:20 am June, 20 jonezy said...

bte the way, humbolt fog goat cheese IS the shit- highly recommend that…

3:43 pm June, 20 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Medusa
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I’ll do you one better. At least the POS who provided the DNA that (unfortunately) made me died before he could get to “Father’s” Day. Now I never have to call, write, or send a card. Thankfully that’s over. Forever.
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@ Rev Chad
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Hopefully at least your kids can stand the sight of you. Ain’t nothin’ worse than standing around like the birthday party scene in Office Space pretendin’ you give any kind of a shit when you’re a kid. Oh, and never tell any of your kids that they can “get the fucck out if you don’t like it here” when they’re 13. Kinda ruins the relationship. If ya know what I mean.

12:04 am June, 21 Stephanie said...

A box of roofing nails and you can drive the idiots out of the parking lot…that’ll be the next verse.

11:49 pm June, 21 beach body insanity said...

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