Thursday, June 30, 2011

Jean Jacket Pukoffsky

Jean Jacket Pukoffsky used to run with a motor cycle gang out of Baton Rouge.

You know the type. Liked to drink Schlitz by the caseload. Then smell each others underwears like truffle-searching French piglets hopped up on No-Doze.

Jean Jacket Pukoffksy. Could smell the cough syrup melting on the dashboard of his Hyundai at 2am in the parking lot of a Jack-in-the-Box.

Used to run with a girl named Daisy. Whose lips were the color of melted Grape-Ape koolaid spilled out the back of a police cruiser.

Daisy.

Her legs were long like, thickets of brambleberry hot dogs back to back off a links truck.

That all ended when an old southern Colonel named Tom McGee got so loaded one Arbor Day that he attempted to milk the Mayor’s chickens, causing the whole town to get quarantined by the C.D.C. over an Asian swine lupus outbreak.

I never did find that packet of Marlboros again. But I sure did try. I sure did try.

This post brought to you by “Random Tom Waits Song Lyric Generator.”

New! From Mattel.

# posted by douchebag1
1:41 pm June, 30 Hermit said...

Funny shit, DB1, funny shit.

1:45 pm June, 30 Fatness said...

For a minute there I thought Motorcycle Parts had been promoted to the front page.
.
Her eyes say “save me!”.
.
His head says “kick me!”.

1:51 pm June, 30 tall guy said...

It’s double denim for Christ’s sake. Granted his trousers are white denim – itself a crime against humanity… But double denim? Good Lord how wrong.

1:52 pm June, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

He lost his “Smells Angels” colors for peeing in the the club president’s Hondamatic.

1:54 pm June, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I think I’m gonna get stoned and try to remember the fucked up stoned dream I had last night that I woke from in terrors and sweats. I think a few of you were in it. I gotta get back to work soon.
.
.
Househusbands

1:56 pm June, 30 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

@Fatness/1:45p
I am so piss-poor at reading lips. If anyone mouths more than 1 simple vowel, I’m lost. That must go for reading eyes too? I coulda swore her eyes were saying, “Yeah, you WISH you could park your thingy on these gorgeous Fuchsia lips!”
.
.
.
And of course I think she is absolutely correct.

1:56 pm June, 30 Mandouchian Candidate said...

there is much queer in this photo…

2:00 pm June, 30 Douche Springsteen said...

This guy is too gay to even appear in a Kenneth Anger film.

2:14 pm June, 30 percy douchetonsils said...

Somewhere in this world, Brian Setzer weeps.

2:20 pm June, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Ha
.
Stray Cats

2:25 pm June, 30 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Hit motorcycle gang nickname was “tailpipe”
.
Daisy is dirty skanky hot. She’s like the griddle of a greasy spoon. A hot sticky mess that hasn’t been cleaned since ’72, and probably hosts of super bread of botulism, but damn you can’t resist that tasty shit.

2:33 pm June, 30 DarkSock said...

(Drug) Mule Variations

2:33 pm June, 30 DarkSock said...

Baton Rouge means “Red Stick” in French (well, in Cajun, anyway).
.
Fits.

2:44 pm June, 30 DarkSock said...

I’ll take “Poor Man’s Angelina Jolie” for $500, Alex.

3:24 pm June, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

Good stuff DB1. It made sense on a molecular level.
.
This dude’s biker name was AssChaps. His lady has all the class of a snow shovel.
.
Seacrest Out!

3:25 pm June, 30 Vin Douchal said...

That Seth Green sure can dress up like a San Francisco cockswain and pay $ 10,000 for a call girl

3:27 pm June, 30 Vin Douchal said...

I would pay for the porno where she fucks any single person on the planet earth except this guy

3:33 pm June, 30 ehcuodouche said...

Are we sure it’s a she? Everyone in that picture except for her is gay, and she’s taller than him with man hands and an adam’s apple.

3:37 pm June, 30 Vin Douchal said...

Is it just me or does Shakira have the best pear-moves on the planet?
.

3:40 pm June, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

@ehcuodouche, you must have some crazy super-vison going on. I can’t even see her neck and like only a tiny portion of her hand is showing. And its her bouffant that makes her taller than him. You’re a little to quick on the tranny trigger buckaroo.

3:40 pm June, 30 Vin Douchal said...

3:47 pm June, 30 ehcuodouche said...

@Nancy Dreuche

I’m sorry, what were you saying? I got distracted by Shakira’s ass.

3:48 pm June, 30 ehcuodouche said...

I have to post a second comment because the one above this will never get read. Ever.

3:49 pm June, 30 soy bomb said...

His head looks like a ripe melon. Ne’er before in history has anyone prayed for the comedic stylings of Gallagher as I’m praying for right now.
.
.
.
.
Cochese.

4:03 pm June, 30 The Dude said...

Another douchebug pupa, courtesy of whatever horrible person invented those sunglasses. Are those aviators?
.
Deviators?

4:05 pm June, 30 Douchble Helix said...

I know her. Let’s just say that Pukoffsky will be spending an inordinate amount of time in some parishes (that’s Louisiana talk meaning ‘hood) that the Caucasians don’t normally spend time in. He’ll be ‘shopping’ for goodies for his pretty lass. Each purchase will be about $40.

If you’ve seen Chappelle, you may recognize her as a “chickenhead”.

4:20 pm June, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

@shakira’s ass, why you gotta be distracting everyone?
.
@palindrome douche, I’m just saying more pics are needed before I drop a tranny bomb. But the environs this couple is pictured in do look “festive”. And she is wearing a whorrific amount of makeup and posing in such a way that her Adam’s apple is not exposed if she were to have one.

4:59 pm June, 30 creature said...

someone whacked her upside the head with a 2″x4″

5:10 pm June, 30 Hermit said...

Pukoffsky wears a motorcycle helmet fashioned from a discarded athletic cup he found out behind the Baton Rouge Baron’s AA baseball team locker room.
.
The previous owner’s jizz, mixed with sweat, causes a pronounced case of helmet hair.

5:37 pm June, 30 Stephanie said...

Napoleon Blownhairapart

8:30 pm June, 30 army (ret) douche said...

she might even be hott if she didn’t apply her makeup with a paint roller… the boss sure has it in for shitty tattoos this week

11:39 pm June, 30 Edith Anne Tarbox of Dripping Springs Tx said...

hey, give pukoffsky a break, he has heard the word of god, or maybe it was a drunk chick he went to high school. anyways it happened one night, when he entered his 20th year of life on earth having never actually experienced much more contact from a woman, than you can get, while seated at the main stage, not even the champagne room, at the strip club and adult book store.

so he went down to the cross roads, the boulevard that served as a main drag in his exurban town, and the road that runs from the old downtown out to where the highway runs, the part that was being built up in a suburban sprawl that was at that time happening at breakneck speed.

he got down on his knees at 4 am thinking he was alone, and pleaded with god, please let me find a woman, i will marry her, cherish her, do anything you think i need to, or just tell me to off myself, because i can’t stand this loneliness and the not knowing, that comes with being the last virgin in a town known for loose women, if nothing else.

as if spoken from a celestial source. the words, rang true, clear, and pierced the internal conflict pukoffsky was laying bare. “you dress like a dork” the voice said. with a slightly aparitional and possibly drunk giggle. with that, pukoff did what any fashion illiterate man in the late 90s would do, he turned on blink 182 and vowed his dorkiness would never cost him companionship and pussy again.

11:57 pm June, 30 Edith Anne Tarbox of Dripping Springs Tx said...

her story.

You oughta be in porno, You’re wonderful to skeet,
You oughta be in porno, O what bukake it would be,
Your vag would thrill a nation, Your ass would be explored,
You’d make a great sensation with coke and meth your reward,
And if you should squirt the way you squirt when you are all spread prone,
You’d make every girl and man a fan worshipping at your moan,
You ought to shine as brightly as Jamison and lords,
You oughta be in porno, my whore of whores.

pussygnomes

12:02 am July, 1 Douchble Helix said...

That Eddie Van Douchebag can sure spin a yarn!

12:53 am July, 1 The Dude said...

There once was a douchey pukoffsky
Ran with the tranny ‘lookoutsky’
Heed the loud siren
From the other guys tryin’
To flee the package she’s plyin’
.
meh
.
My first translimerick

12:57 am July, 1 The Dude said...

All of a sudden, he looks really mean.
.
Not mean, like Mean Joe Green mean –
.
Mean like the bad Terminator from Terminator Two Many.
.
*shudder*

1:00 am July, 1 The Dude said...

Mocking alone is
like a tree in a forest
cut by a douchebag
.
(Starting practice for Fri-ku)

5:50 am July, 1 FoghornLeghorn said...

You gotta wonder what kind of party this is. All the frat boys behind her, and no one is looking at her butt.

7:21 am July, 1 idfma said...

Actually, her eyes seem to say (to whoever is taking the picture): ‘are you the one with the drugs?’ ‘Yay!’

8:27 am July, 1 Wheezer said...

Friday Haiku lost?????
Uh oh…..who mocked Zyzz again?
Witless /fit/ attack?

    8:46 am July, 1 DarkSock said...

    Well, I was trying to fix sumthin’, and I hit this button, and………erm….brb…

8:38 am July, 1 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Friday Haiku fail?
I gave it my best shot boss
Sorry I’m rusty

8:51 am July, 1 DarkSock said...

Yep….Haiku restore ought to post any minute now…..
.
.
.
.
.
aaaaany minute……
.
fuccen wordpress…

8:56 am July, 1 Douchble Helix said...

Love to watch another man’s misery. Especially when he’s an innocent victim.

8:56 am July, 1 DarkSock said...

yep yep yep……any second now….

8:57 am July, 1 DarkSock said...

Hey, here’s Paula Deen riding a pat of butter!
weqr

8:59 am July, 1 Wheezer said...

The haiku were up for a moment or two, but the comments thread was gone. WordPress sucks arse!

8:59 am July, 1 DarkSock said...

again, but in handy stick form…
teaht

9:02 am July, 1 DarkSock said...

Yeah, Wheezer, that was me.
.
I picked the zingers, put them on the front page, then hit “publish”…and nothin’.
.
So I had the awesome idea: I’ll just clone this bitch, shit-can the ganked up one, and it’s fixed!
.
Worked like a charm. Except it shit-canned y’all’s 51 fuccen comments.
.
So after repeated attempts, I set it to publish 1 minute before Boss’s next post. Which should be……….now.

9:03 am July, 1 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I heard if you spread Paula Dean on a piece of toast it tastes like hogg fat.
.
What? You thought I was going to say butter?

9:03 am July, 1 DarkSock said...

Batmobile?
qrreyr5

9:05 am July, 1 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

DarkSock nukes Haikus
Next job: fix economy
Run on banks starts…………..now.

9:12 am July, 1 DarkSock said...

I blame nipple guy
In previous post; he ruins
Human Achievements.

butter sticks at the
beach, draw dongs on douchebags’ backs
titties on foreheads.

1:03 pm July, 1 Steve L. said...

is there a line along the lines of “Jean Jacket Pukoffsky wouldn’t make it past 2 minutes in a Hell’s Angel party”?
because it’s fact.

12:56 am July, 3 Smackbag said...

I’ve been looking for a new programming project to take on, and “Random Tom Waits Song Lyrics Generator” should do the trick.

2:01 am July, 3 C.McMickle said...

That guy looks like the universe fucked a donkey and threw up that outfit on him and those tattoos look like Axl Rose`s track marks.

10:41 pm July, 3 C.McMickle said...

Johnny Bravo!!!!

6:41 am July, 6 E. Keith Owens said...

.TM DressThatMan.com .is a Copyrighted Trademarked Company owned .and operated by DressThatMan.com Incorporated .all brands sold and named on this site are the trademarked properties .of their respective owners .

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