Sunday, June 5, 2011

Jedibags

Lets face it. Biggs was a huge douche too.

# posted by douchebag1
7:37 am June, 5 I R A Darth Aggie said...

The douche is strong with this one. Trust me, I’m a Sith.
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Son.

7:45 am June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Still delirious, to the point of almost hallucinating, from lack of sleep I want to mock on this but alas I’ve got to give them a sorta notta. No Hott’s to worry about so let them go with there Geek baggery selves.

8:53 am June, 5 Douchble Helix said...

Hooray! Something funny that isn’t the Sunday Frolic!!!
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All it took was a 2 week walk-about.
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ps Using the word ‘walk-about’ is autodouche.

8:55 am June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

I Can’t Believe Its Not a Frolic Video.
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This was clever. That’s all I got.

9:01 am June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Douchble Helix, so what should we say? I’m going on vacation? I’m taking a week off? I’m taking a break? Those seem to obvious. Walkabout takes it to the next level…of douchery. BRB, I’m going to ask the sanitation specialist if he will take an additional bag of refuse out to the refuse container area for me.

10:18 am June, 5 Scooby Douche said...

Denim cutoff shorts is autodouche, and extremely gay. Unless this video was made in the 70s, which I doubt.

10:24 am June, 5 Douchble Helix said...

@Nancy – I’m still not sure I understand what ‘walkabout’ means, and if DB1 really did go to Europe or whatever. He’s a bright boy, he’s had a book published. He doesn’t need me to ghost write for him.

10:34 am June, 5 DarkSock said...

I thought denim siths died in the 80’s…
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The farce is strong in this one.
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It reminds me of Brak, from Space Ghost Coast To Coast, and how he got his light saber taken away.
qwete

11:38 am June, 5 Vin Douchal said...

This is the Jedi A-Holes dad ( the asian kid was adopted) :
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11:50 am June, 5 tall guy said...

@ Vin Douchal, BA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

12:06 pm June, 5 tall guy said...

Amongst other definitions the term walkabout has historically been used to describe a nomadic style of wandering in the outback undertaken by Australian Aboriginal persons. While perhaps seen as a purposeless stroll in the sun by non-aboriginal persons, the walkabout is said to promote an important aspect of personal spiritual development and overall wellbeing.

12:16 pm June, 5 Douchble Helix said...

Ho-Hos and Night Train for a fortnight. ‘Nuff said.

12:31 pm June, 5 tall guy said...

Except: son.

2:38 pm June, 5 Hermit said...

Depending upon the type of spirits I’m drinking, my personal spiritual development can best be described as “staggerabouts” or “crawlabouts.”

2:51 pm June, 5 DarkSock said...

I do the occasional “hurlapon”.

3:07 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Depending upon the amount of recreational drugs I used to do, my personal spiritual development could best be described as…. Oh that’s right I lost those years I actually call it “quicksanditis”

3:08 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Douchble Helix 10:24a, don’t forget about his TV show and this website which is always getting looted by the industry for it’s comedy gold. Quick story: The other day I was at the store and I overheard another guy call another guy a douchebag because he was wearing excessive jewelry and an Ed Hardy hat. Well I was livid. Not only did the one guy not reference DB1 AT ALL during this exchange, he also forgot to mention the douche’s sculpted facial hair.

3:09 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

I did the occasional “Talkyourearoff”

3:14 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’ve been on a non-stop roustabout since 2002.

3:29 pm June, 5 Hermit said...

I was so fucked up once, I wasn’t sure of my whereabouts.
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Actually, more than once.

3:33 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

Re: my previous quick story from above. When I say I was livid, I mean I was beside myself with rage.
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I got so drunk once, I threw up on my own couch. Crazy shit I tell you.

3:35 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

I bandied-about once wasn’t sure then or even now what it means so I quit.

3:38 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

I think I gaddedabout once or twice in the past it not as fulfilling as I thoughts it would be.

3:43 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

I had Take-Out once. Okay maybe more than once.

3:59 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

I once shouted it out loud inside of Cobo Hall back in the late 70’s watching some theatrically dressed band.

4:01 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Jedi A-Hole, as seen as above, looks like he just sharted himself and is psyched about it.

4:09 pm June, 5 Hermit said...

A buddy and I were riding our motorcycles in the fine community of Leesville, Louisiana and decided to stop for a few drinks at a redneck bar. (Yep, believe it or not, there are redneck bars in Leesville, Louisiana.)
It was about four in the afternoon and probably ninety degrees, with the obligatory ninety percent humidity. We got in the air conditioning, and being young and stupid, I quickly downed four or five shots of Tequila. Feeling OK, we decided to pay up and get back on the road.
I drank them so fast I didn’t even feel drunk, but when I got outside in the heat, I noticed a strange phenomenon, the parking lot actually rose up and hit me in the face. I knew it was impossible, so I attempted to continue, and lo and behold, the fuckin’ parking lot rose up and hit me in the face again, this time even harder!
I lay there for several confused minutes before I finally figured out what was going on, and crawled under a picnic table until I could stand up and continue.
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Fuckin’ Jose Cuervo is a motherfucker.

4:10 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Et Tu 4:01p, he’s gonna be pissed if he ruins those boss cut offs.

4:14 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit, one time I had too much to drink and I decided to tempt the fates and add a bowl of Honey Smacks on top of half a bottle of Raspberry vodka. Well I saw those Honey Smacks again. Because I threw them up. Near my couch.

4:19 pm June, 5 Hermit said...

I’m not sure, but I think DarkSock vomited in a horse, once.

4:19 pm June, 5 Hermit said...

Raspberry Vodka is illegal in fourteen states.

4:20 pm June, 5 Hermit said...

Honey Smacks are illegal in twelve states and two Canadian provinces.

4:26 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit, yeah I was engaging in some pretty high risk behavior. I didn’t even clean it up until the next day. The NEXT day.

4:28 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

@ Nancy,
Cut off shorts are hard to come by and sharting is a risk I just wouldn’t take.

4:31 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Sharting is frowned upon in Guam

4:33 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

One time I asked an employee at In N’ Out if they carried sourkraut. Okay, only half that sentence is true.

4:35 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Et Tu 4:31p where is it encouraged?

4:38 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Nancy
Not certain but my sources tell me American Samoa & the District of Columbia

4:45 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Et Tu, thank you, now I know where NOT to buy used chairs from.

4:53 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

^I’m thinking is whole thread is going to be epic, Samuri Scrote-style.

4:58 pm June, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Once I was so drunk I had an old next door neighbor over for supper and drinks. He said something off color to the misses so as usual I went into my basement and grabbed my heavy Estwing framing hammer thinking this guy was a devil now and told him to get his evil presence away from my family (because I knew he was Satan in disguise).
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So I chase him out and whack him with said hammer a few times in front of witnesses and passed out.
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About ten o’clock that night I hear a ruckus in the kitchen. I stagger off the couch bleary eyed and smelling of the type of alcoholism that only occurs when business failure, vodka, and new fatherhood create an abyss of self pity.
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Fucking three big cops and the Child Protective Services talking to a young Mrs. Kroeger. What the fuck are you assholes doing here, I didn’t let you in, get he fuck out. Are you Mr. Kroeger? Ya! Well your gate and patio door were open and there was a complaint of violence and that your ladies may be in danger and we have a bench warrant for your arrest for failing to appear in court. Do you have to handcuff me in front of my baby? No Sir, we’ll do it outside in front of your neighbours.
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So I spent a long weekend in maximum security prison until the Mrs. could bail me out. My first stop was the liquor store. That event may explain some of the psychiatric problems I have had. I still hate cops and orange jumpsuits. But I was cool with the niggas cause I snuck in a pack of smokes.
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The funny part of this tragic tale of emotional woe and alcoholic rage is that those fuckers walked right past a crop a 80 primo clones ready to be started in the basement, and a grove of eight foot high plants and didn’t see a thing.
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Satan was the one who called the cops. I never let him know I knew. The day we moved I went to which him farewell. He was on a week long bender during which he mentioned the bag of cash and pound of hash he had. I poured him an eye opener for when he would wake later in the day, knowing he would not remember much of the week. I had an extra 10K and a few ounces of hash for the trip. Son.
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Autobiographical fact. I was a real nut.

5:16 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@RevChad, sounds like your old neighbor got pretty hammered that night.

5:31 pm June, 5 Hermit said...

“Like an old neighbour, Estwing is there.”

5:36 pm June, 5 Hermit said...

I was without sleep for days and tripping, and saw Satan eating a cheeseburger a Wendy’s once. I didn’t see any hammer marks, but that was probably before Rev Chad rebuked him.

5:46 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@RevChad, please tell me you told him to “Stop.” Followed by “Hammertime”.
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@Hermit I saw Satan when I was on walkabout.

6:28 pm June, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That is some funny shit Hermit. Don’t ever let THEY give you drugs man. Stick with the natural grown or fermented so they don’t get into your gear.
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The previous story is 99% true. I really took 11K and several ounces of hash from his stash as punitive damages. He never missed it.

6:29 pm June, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And don’t eat German sprouts. Son. and Nancy.

7:10 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Sunday evening confessionals are great!!!
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Having drank the night before copious amounts of Wray & Nephew’s 126 proof Over-proof Rum and puffed way too much of the local “Lamb’s Bread” I woke up face first, on a lounge chair, by the hotel pool, mid-morning in a blacked out, semi-catatonic state whilst in Negril back in the 80’s. Funny thing is nobody bothered to wake me. I guess it’s just normal to see people passed out at 10 in the morning when your on your way to the breakfast buffet.
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True story!

7:21 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Hmmmmm Hash!!!! yummy yummy Hash!!!!, I’m a fan of Lebanese Blonde & Maroc Zero-Zero. Gots good and puffed up with some tribal mountain folks in in the hills above Chefchaouen, Morocco.

7:44 pm June, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

One more Sunday evening confessional before I try and fail to fall asleep.
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I once I fucked this white girl who had a pink range who drove fast in the slow lane. She had a neck tattoo and all her clothes were new.

7:49 pm June, 5 Hermit said...

Satan whispers messages through the dryer vent. He tries to be real sneaky, but don’t do everything he tells you.
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.
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throw out that old cottage cheese from the fridge
remember to buy printer cartridges
brush your teeth
don’t forget to walk the dog
maim and brutally kill your neighbors
pay the phone bill
eat more salad

8:36 pm June, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Et Tu, 7:44pm sweet fucking dreams, jerk.
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@Hermit, check I don’t have any old cottage cheese so that eliminates that one and the rest are good to go.

9:20 pm June, 5 DarkSock said...

I dropped acid once in 1989 and chased one of my roommates around the front yard at 9:00 pm during a thundering cloud burst with a column that another fellow tripper and room-mate had torn off the porch earlier that afternoon. It was a painted 4″ steel pipe; the house was a sort of a mid-Mississippi idiot savant rendition of der stijl and I was rather fond of that column (both of them, actually; I credit the remaining Mies Van der Rohe-esque thin column with actually holding up the cantilevered portico, but I digress…) but the liberated pipe in my hand was surely an instrument of murderous intent until me and my victim both fell victim to the ludicrous appearance of the St. Augustine grass blades dancing between the pounding raindrops to the music of the naked porch yellow bug light; howling like jackals with pants pissed in the warm July Jackson rain until the JPD stormtroopers clad in yellow sombreros and hungry nightsticks made us go back inside. There, after a bottle of 151 and half a liter of Jose, the argument (about what, I cannot say) resumed instantly like a lit fart and I threw my roommate bodily from the living room, through the 1/2″ shitty post-war sheet rock, perfectly through the sub-standard 24″ stud spacing, into my heart-of-pine-floored master bedroom.
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Well, then the hyena howls of laughter truly began. We made peace and the 5 of us made our way across North State Street to W.C. Don’s ( a legendary dive once voted by Rolling Stone Magazine as one of the top ten “dives” in the USA; stands for “We Couldn’t Decide On a Name”; many great bands have shown up there, shrugged, said we’re firing our management, and played anyway…) only to find the then-owner Terry upset because the band that night (Fetchin’ Bones, touring behind their criminally under-appreciated album Monster, with the single “Love Crushin'”…but again I digress; they obviously saw the dive and kept on drivin’ to Birmingham or wherever…) didn’t show. So my roommate, with sheet rock dust still on his shoulders, said “WE’RE YOUR BAND!!!”, and my 2 non-musical roomies fetched his short-scale $80 Memphis Bass and Peavey Black Widow combo (proudly made in Meridian, MS, mind you…) and my little Marshall 20 watt combo and Carvin with Bigsy Tremolo, and SEPTIC FROG was born from the twin twats of liquor and acid…some dude I’d never seen before flailed up in high tops and leather jacket, announced himself as our Lead Singer named “Dancin’ Manson”, and we were off to the races. Big D and I ripped through our rehearsed bass n’ guitar riffs while this kid scatted some wild shit on top of it; we played (I was told) for a couple of hours, pausing only for me to piss (onstage) and also when I fell off of my amp (which I was using as a stool, unable to stand) on 3 occasions, once to be fair because some tool hefted a cue ball from one of the two pool tables into my temple because we were playing too loud.
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I cracked the Carvin’s hollow body on the last spill off the stage…came to find out it was worth a LOT more than the $175 I paid the transmission mechanic who was holding it in lien against the musician who failed to pay him for the work on an El Camino…but I digress…
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I woke the next morning to a scene not unlike the “Hangover” movie’s morning after, except in a rental property…I limped my way over to the convenience store that was basically in front of W.C. Don’s to get a Gatorade and BC Powder for my aching head only to find Terry wanting us back that night. To which I said “Fuck You, I think I am dying”.
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Terry showed me later than night where the words “SEPTIC FROG RULES” were written in the sole unisex plywood toilet in the corner; then he threatened to make us paint over it because he thought WE wrote that shit.
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One of us probably did.
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How the fuck would I know?
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But because of dropping acid, and hard liquor, I played on the same stage as REM, Ian Hunter, Big Star, Widespread Panic, Dash Rip Rock, the Flaming Lips, and Galactic once played.
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Never done acid since.
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But I keep thinkin’ about it…

10:20 pm June, 5 Bulk said...

Jedis who didn’t make the cut to the Dark side

10:54 pm June, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^I feel that story DS. My only problem is that I hate The Flaming Lips because they were at a painful CSNY concert at Stowe with a rabbit named Bunny and Mrs. Kroeger. Maybe that was Phish. Son.

11:13 pm June, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^REM? Somebody slept on the stage. Son.

2:42 am June, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Who you calling a douche?

3:53 am June, 6 Hermit said...

I’ve taken enough acid to make Timothy Leary and Ken Kesey proud. However, about every other time, it was a “bad trip.”
One time I might spend the whole night laughing until the sun came up and your jaws hurt from the sustained laughter.
The next time I’d spend hours huddled under a pile of laundry, swearing that those people murmuring in the next room were plotting to do me harm. I’d promise myself that if I get out of this alive, I’d never to do acid again.
But, I always did.
While tripping, things like eating or having sex seemed like complete absurdity. Food felt like rubber in your mouth, and while attempting sex, something like a button would distract you for hours.
Liquor or weed have no effect whatsoever while tripping. That shit completely takes over, and there’s no stopping it once you drop that hit.
You couldn’t pay me to take that shit now.
My advice, stick to the mushrooms, the chemical acid is too intense.
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And don’t ever look into a mirror while tripping.

4:45 am June, 6 Collaz B. P. said...

Carvins are fucking great guitars, not as great as that story though.

Did acid at a Pink Floyd show circa 92, Giants Stadium, summer, outdoors, light rain fell as airplanes flew by…..Gilmour’s guitar tones cut through the air like Hermit can slice into a newbie.

Did acid once and almost killed ourselves boating to Fire Island at night in a small Whaler too….

6:44 am June, 6 Et Tu Douche? said...

“And don’t ever look into a mirror while tripping.” AGREED 1000%

6:55 am June, 6 DarkSock said...

“And don’t ever look into a mirror while tripping.”
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Y’all better listen to Uncle Hermit.
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Eye contact with one’s tripping reflection = permafrost madness.

7:17 am June, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

I have a mirror and I’m about to trip on some Tylenol PM and Pixie Sticks. Please advise.

9:51 am June, 6 Et Tu Douche? said...

The reason I stopped tripping was I was afraid I’d wind up cooking all my brain cells and have permanent facial paralysis looking like Slo-Kev

9:17 pm June, 6 Sir David Douchenborough said...

It is somewhat lamentable not having such spectacular stories to recount. I have experienced long stretches of sleep deprivation, but all that has produced for me is becoming increasingly paranoid that what I was growing in my petri plates would rise up and overthrow me.
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I really have no excuse either. I have access to a lab for chrissakes.

1:56 pm June, 7 Et Tu Douche? said...

I still like listening to “Roundabout” by Yes. Great bass line that just thumps on my Polk Audio Monitor 10A’s.

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