Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Promtard and Kelly

Somewhere there’s a wacky mid 80s teen comedy back story involving nerds, jocks, cross dressing, a telescope, teen wolves, time travel, a Porsche, the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, a bribed janitor, the popular girl and, of course, the “big game” coming up.

Or it’s just a Promtard and Kelly.

# posted by douchebag1
9:24 am June, 22 Douchble Helix said...

She is a vision.

9:24 am June, 22 Douchble Helix said...

He is a ‘tard.

9:25 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Let me be the first to call tranny. What?
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Principal Skinners

9:26 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I would like to get her Prom-Proms in my Wig-Wam and molest her with my Flesh Tomahawk.

9:26 am June, 22 Douchble Helix said...

Man, why you wanna go and that?

9:28 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I would like to think that she was a good looking version of Tina Yothers, not the beating with a brick faced real one, and show her some of my Family Ties.
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Mallory

9:29 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’d like to get her all doped up and go all Willis on that Kimberly. Too Soon?
.
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Conrad Bain

9:30 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’d like to call her Carole and get her all skinny and shit and go all Kirk Cameron religious on her stink button

9:31 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’d like to smack my Meat Sucker into her Pinky Tuscadero.
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Ralph

9:33 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’d like to to pierce her Fart Locker with my Tendon Torch.
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Mr.C

9:34 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Guido The Killer Pimple?

9:34 am June, 22 DarkSock said...

She looks like Ellen Degeneres done right, and by right I mean I want to respectfully fondle her chest fat with cocoa butter and mild pressure.
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I commend P’Tard for his visionary work in using one’s own tongue to practice fellating pigs..
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Me Buckos
.

9:34 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Ferris Bueller’s Gay Off.

9:36 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Risky Jizzness.

9:37 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I knew Rebecca DeMornay and you sir are no Rebecca DeMornay.
.
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Bueller?

9:38 am June, 22 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Not too long before she looks back on this mistake. Wow. Boobies.

9:38 am June, 22 Anonymous said...

That’s the second lucius Promtard Hot we’ve seen.

9:38 am June, 22 Vin Douchal said...

I’d like to yell “Aaaay” up her Fonzarelli

9:39 am June, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Dirty Pantsing.

9:41 am June, 22 creature said...

the very sad part is that promtard will more than likely unleah those badboys some time later that evening & briefly bask in their glory before jizzing in his pants

9:41 am June, 22 Vin Douchal said...

I’d like to Haney and Pat her Buttram

9:42 am June, 22 creature said...

‘s’
sheesh!

9:43 am June, 22 Vin Douchal said...

I’d like to pluck “Smoke On The Water” on her dress rib strings

9:49 am June, 22 creature said...

I’d like to pound out ‘Black Dog’ on his face with my fists

10:06 am June, 22 Vin Douchal said...

I’d like pound her “Roy Munson-style”
.

10:07 am June, 22 Vin Douchal said...


.
?

10:08 am June, 22 Vin Douchal said...

Are they there or is it a red X?

10:30 am June, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

Kelly, oh wholesome young Kelly yes Promtard is a jagoff and you wish you were anywhere but there all I ask is that you do not feel sorry for him later in the evening and allow him an awkward sympathy fondle.

10:33 am June, 22 Fatness said...

Maybe its the dress but Kelly’s chesticles look a bit walleyed.
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Not that there is anything wrong with that.

10:33 am June, 22 creature said...

if you google jason stackhouse, you get a fictional southern vampire character…not a preening limp dick FSU dropout

10:36 am June, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

Dear Promtard;
You are in the presence of some serious, young, ripe hottness and your idea is to throw a dork face for the limo ride pre-prom pic? If she just queefed a second before the pic was taken then I get it but I don’t think that is the case. Grow a pair, act like man, at least for a few hours, and I’m willing to bet you might even get a late night handy.

11:03 am June, 22 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Within seconds of seeing the promtard pose for a picture that Kelly’s mom was taking, Kelly’s father showed him to the door Al Bundy style.

11:13 am June, 22 DarkSock said...

Speaking of ‘tards: I would like to point out the irony of Ryan Dunn, who died as he lived: With a car shoved up his ass.

11:14 am June, 22 DarkSock said...

^Too soon?
.
.
.
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Lugubrious Lug Nuts.

11:23 am June, 22 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I’m thinking he was born that way…

11:32 am June, 22 mr.reeve said...

Thems some “Baby Guns” SON!

11:53 am June, 22 Douchble Helix said...

HoH by acclimation? That is, if she’s 18.

12:32 pm June, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

1) For those of you that have daughters: Would you let your little girl out of the house looking like she does? Cut outs on the sides right underneath the bewbs and a zipper down the front? Is the prom being held at The Pink Pony? What’s the theme, Thanks for the Mammaries?
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2) Would you let your daughter go out dressed like that with the promtard? I’m sure he was all “Yes, sir” “No sir” “Yes ma’am” and shit but he clearly has the taint about him. I thought fathers were supposed to be sharpening knives or cleaning firearms when the prom date shows up to discuss when she’ll be home.
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and #) the look on her face says it all. “Awwwww shit. He’s gonna act like this all night long with his dorky friends, keep sneaking drinks from the nippy bottle everybody knows he has, and then try to feel me up during EVERY slow song. God, why did I do this? Is it really worth it? I guess Ihave to go after Mom and Dad droppped all that money for all this.” *sigh*

1:19 pm June, 22 Nancy Dreuche said...

Her smile looks forced. I agree with Doc B’s. #). Which I think he meant to be 3). But I ain’t one to harp bout no correct grammar and spellin’s in such.
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@DarkSock 11:13a, not soon enough. Ebert already outdicked you. And hey, if I die doing something incredibly stupid I want to be mocked at my funeral and there better be a final jab on my tombstone. “Here lieth Nancy Dreuche who died while trying to get a peen pic from a Great White Shark. Whatta dumbass.”

1:43 pm June, 22 DarkSock said...

Indeed, Nancy D. Shame on Rogert Ebert for robbing this young man, who made a living scuba diving into human poop and getting x-rays of toy cars in his rectum, of his dignity. Someone ought to sock Mr. Ebert right in the jaw.
.
.
Wait…

1:44 pm June, 22 DarkSock said...

And shame on us for mocking PromTard, who was born with a birth defect that forces him to constantly moisten his lips.

2:04 pm June, 22 Crazed Aborigine said...

Dr. Bunsen,
This is where I turn into that old guy, yelling about all the young whippersnappers and telling kids to “get off my lawn”.

I took my son and several friends and family members out about a month ago, on his 14th birthday. Right in the heart of prom season. We went to a popular “Prom Night” place in an upscale suburb of Seattle, my kid’s favorite restaurant. There were dozens and dozens of prom couples, and I saw at least 10 or so young ladies that I wouldn’t have let out the door, let alone let them out the door with the dork they were with. One blonde soon-to-be-working-the-stripper-pole beauty had a yellow dress on that was cut away in more places than OJ Simpson’s ex wife. I am talking maybe 3 square feet of fabric, total, left. Sorry, we construction workers think in these terms.

My parenting instincts overwhelmed my dirty old man instincts, to the point where I was just embarrased for several of these girls. Starting down the road of poor life choices and Daddy issues that will eventually find them posted on here, with fat, basement dwelling, Stackhouse envying, internet losers mocking them.

2:09 pm June, 22 Nancy Dreuche said...

^Hey man, I just moved up to the second floor. Dick.

2:13 pm June, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

While not a perfect 10, Kelly has the looks that could drive an older man to abandon all convention – and his family – at the prospects of being able to slalom along her shaved pubic trail. Secret dinners at Applebee’s, trips to the mall, “accidentally” meeting at the movies, parking in secluded spots with an ample supply of Skinny Bitch margaritas to increase the likelihood of back seat bang sessions. One minute she’s the Promtard’s date, the next she’s a homewrecker.

2:35 pm June, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Crazed Aborigine
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I’ve passed well into that get the fucck off my lawn! period of my life sooner than I expected when I saw my niece no longer as the cute 3 year old anymore but as the budding young woman of 18 she’s turned into. Thankfully she went to her prom dressed appropriately and with a kid who I was assured “wasn’t a jackass”. Since I don’t have kids myself she’s has to do as a surrogate. But I have seen a number of the young females and their dates at some of our local establishments. YIKES! I always turn to the Mrs and ask “Were ALL these girls raised by strippers? Where the fucck are their parents when they are buying a prom dress? “Oh sure honey, that’s slutty enough to go to the prom!” WTF? Maybe it’s just be but as I get older I’m more like this. sigh…

5:23 pm June, 22 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

To @Crazed Aborigine and @Dr. Bunsen: The old Choad long ago found himself in Vegas’ Little Darlings, almost face to va-jay-jay with a petite blonde, ex-cheerleader type who hoped to stroke him for an hour (and at least a Benjamin) or two. Just as she was about to remove her barely-their g-string, mere inches from our prominent proboscis, she asked in her purring little Britney Spears’ voice: “Do you like it?” …and all we could blurt out was: “How old are you?”… followed by: “Do your parents know you’re here?”
.
.
.It was then and only then that we knew our jail-bait craving days were gone…and that something is seriously fucked up in a society where seemingly normal teenagers think it’s okay to look and act like hookers.
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.What happened next, you ask?
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.We summoned what little dignity we had left, went home and beat off like a crazed monkey.

5:30 pm June, 22 Douchble Helix said...

Not me, boys and girls. No kids, my nieces are someone elses’ kids.
18 or 80, blind, crippled. or crazy.

5:32 pm June, 22 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

BTW: she was a dead ringer for koncupiscent Kelly….only kuter.Growing old is a fucking bitch, ain’t it?

8:00 pm June, 22 Steve L. said...

Promtard is just Promtard.
but Kelly is more than Kelly. Kelly is full of natural sparkling charms.

8:00 pm June, 22 Steve L. said...

some days you wonder why cops are handing out speeding tickets to all the wrong people.

9:38 pm June, 22 Stephanie said...

She doesn’t know it yet,but he has warts all over his ding dong.

9:23 am June, 23 Crazed Aborigine said...

@Choad:
My stripper disillusionment moment happened when the naked lovely writhing in my lap asked me what I was doing in her fair city (Vancouver). When I explained I was there for a board game tournament, we found we had something in common. When we discovered that the pimpled hipster wanna-be bagling that I had demolished in the semi-finals earlier that day was HER boyfriend, I’m not sure who was more appalled, me or her. Probably me.

Pretty much killed the mood. Knowing that the naughty bits humping my leg like a nasty poodle would be plundered later that night by Mr. Bagling wasn’t my idea of a fantasy.

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