Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Reader Mail: The Miami Heatrash

The Thin White Douche checks in:

—-
After watching the NBA finals I was inspired to do some Miami douche hunting. I’ve come to the conclusion that bag-tagging in Miami is the equivalent of fishing with dynamite, it’s just not fair.

There was just so much choad that at one point I wanted to stab my eyes out and I had to stop for my own well being.

I think Miami has really pulled through and put itself far ahead of LA and Las Vegas as the new douche Mecca of America, even the producers of Jersey Shore realized this fact. Had the Heat won the title there would be thousands of over-tanned, roided-out ,brand-name wearing, Grey-Goose swilling dipshits acting even more douchey than they already are.

What I’m saying is that we might have very well just avoided the douchepocalypse.
——

Interesting theory, TTWD. Miami is one of the three corners of the Unholy Grieco Spirit. Scottsdale and New Jersey form the other two corners.

That being said, Mark Cuban is a huge douche as well.

So no matter what happened in the NBA finals, we’re all a little dirty.

# posted by douchebag1
9:31 am June, 15 Hermit said...

LeBron James is the epitome of the self-absorbed, myopic douchebag, and another reason I didn’t watch thirty seconds of NBA this year.
Hope he never sniffs a championship.

9:39 am June, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Yeah , Cuban. Why don’t you step up and buy the Dodegrs so we can have one more series run with Vin Scully calling the game before he goes to that broadcast booth in the sky, douche.
.

.
You won’t see Jacobs douching it up after we win the Cup tonight. He’ll most likely put on his shade visor and go back to his ten key ’til the wee hours ….

9:40 am June, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Vancouver assumes the position
.

9:46 am June, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

Didn’t the Golden Girls live in Miami? That Blanche was the epitome of old lady-bag.

9:46 am June, 15 Hermit said...

Speaking of self-absorption, one of my drunken creations got yesterday’s front page on the second best site on the interwebs.

9:51 am June, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Goddamn I’m getting psyched too early today. I’m going out of my skin waiting for the puck to drop…

Lenny Kravitz at Angels Stadium Saturday night. Then I leave before U2 comes out to stink the joint up. I’ve already got some hippies lined up for my tickets when I go.
.
Craig Ross is no slouch either, fartknockers
.

9:55 am June, 15 Douchble Helix said...

@Vin @ 9:39: Hey! Those were accountant jokes! AHAHAHA!!!

Cuban knew to keep his mouth shut, and got his trophy. Redemption is possible?

9:59 am June, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit. Sweet ride. Congrats on making the front page.

10:13 am June, 15 Condouchious said...

“All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that. So they can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy about not only myself, but the Miami Heat not accomplishing their goal. But they got to get back to the real world at some point.”

Lebron’s comments after Game 6 should warrant some sort of award for douchebaggery, no?

10:36 am June, 15 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Hopefully he was thinking about Delonte West skull fucking his moms while he was saying that mess. LeBron is a clown shoe, and will probably end up as the most hated player ever to grace an NBA court. Somewhere Bill Laimbeer is counting his blessings, and getting ready to call LeBron’s mom for some of that sweeeeeeeettttt poon…

10:36 am June, 15 creature said...

I’m ok with Cuban bag…now buy the Dodgers Mark & lets get rid of the biggest carpetBAGGER in los angeles, Frank McCourt, the good oldfashion way…covered in hot tar & feathers riding out on a rail!
sweetcheeks

10:39 am June, 15 creature said...

ND…best lay off Bea Arthur, or Pfah will hunt you down & put VW Jetta tyre treacks up your backside
sugar

10:40 am June, 15 creature said...

treacks are way more traumatizing than tracks
darlin’

10:42 am June, 15 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Bea Arthur was dorothy… Blanche was played by Rue McClanahan. Get your shit in check.



creature.

10:49 am June, 15 creature said...

sorry mando can…a lil soft on my sitcoms…to busy snappin’ one off, all those old broads made for good batin!

10:51 am June, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

NBA finals????????????????
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Hermit rides old school.
.
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Duke

11:16 am June, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Apropos of nothing at all in this thread but it’s just too fuccen funny
.
.

11:19 am June, 15 jonezy said...

speaking of Grey Goose, I ran across this analysis recently:
http://www.vegastripping.com/news/news.php?news_id=4066

11:19 am June, 15 DarkSock said...

Jeez, Hermit; that’s a sweet ass ride and stuff but you should NEVER point these regs to a site you care about. I promise you one of them’s already gone there and posted something retarded.
.
Guv’nor.

11:21 am June, 15 DarkSock said...

And tru dat about Miami; I spent a week there last June and am still showering it off. To be fair I was drunk the whole time.
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Sweet Cheeks. <– NSFW-ish, and supposedly is Fenny (aka Ass Pear LaPlante) with face revealed.
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Jeeves.

11:24 am June, 15 Doucheterminatrix 2.0 said...

@ Hermit:

What’s the best bike for riding long distances in bad road conditions? I’m contemplating riding from California to Tierra del Feugo on an Enfield Bullet. Seriously.

Is there a better bike for that?

11:32 am June, 15 Anonymous said...

Why is this Douche wearing a rosary when his doucheitude makes Jesus Christ Himself weep openly for the decline of Western Civilization?

Weeping Jesus is a SCIENTIFICALLY VERIFIED FACT. I personally saw a tear stream down the cheek of the Jesus Cheeto.

http://rachelmurie.blogspot.com/2009/05/shes-back.html

11:44 am June, 15 Wedgie said...

Socckk:

Nice tease. Now give us a link that works.

Thank you Grandpa Fenny.

12:03 pm June, 15 Hermit said...

@ Doucheterminatrix 2.0,
It would take a brave soul to make the trip on a 350cc Enfield.
I have a Suzuki DL 650 which I’ve rarely taken off-road, but it would fit the bill. (Hell, two English kids went around the world on them on a shoestring budget.)
I would prefer a BMW F 800 GS. (I’m going to buy one when I grow up)
But, making the trip on the Enfield would be awesome. (watch out for Mexican banditos, and avoid the hell out of El Salvador and Columbia.)
Read Ted Simon’s Jupiter’s Travels for inspiration, and then read Two Wheels Through Terror if you want the shit scared out of you.
It dissuaded me from my planned trip to Panama.

12:10 pm June, 15 Hermit said...

@ DarkSock,
Somehow I’m not surprised.
.
Of all the Google “I peed in a horse once” links,this discussion is, by far, my favorite.

12:37 pm June, 15 Mandouchian Candidate said...

@ creature- no foul; i used to dream of the 3 youngish ones in a fourway whilst the Estelle Getty just sat there on the couch ruining Sylvester Stallones career.

12:37 pm June, 15 Et Tu Douche? said...

Jeremy Jacobs is a Dick and Vin you couldn’t of said it better with regards to him counting his money.
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Right on Hermit
.
Asswipes

1:47 pm June, 15 Stephanie said...

Hollywood is not calling these two.

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