Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Ask DB1: Is Jessica Dating A Douche? (Answer: Yes)

Jessica writes in with a lol question about her new boyfriend (pictured here):

——
Hey!

Well, I have been seeing this guy for awhile now and he has this need to constantly put up “westside” signs up in every single picture.

He says he does this because he is a “gangster” lol . I am always picking on him calling him a wannabe eminem lol. I’d like to point out the so called “gangster” drives a 2011 Audi and lives in one of those most prestigious neighborhoods in Miami, FL. lol

I would LOVE if you posted this picture on your blog, i would love nothing more then to embarass him on your blog , it would make my day and hopefully he will stop putting up westside signs in pictures.lol

the picture I am submitting is one we took last week, i decided to play along with the gangster-ness lol….THANK YOU! =)
— jessica

——–

Confucius Say: Those who date those that drive Audi in “Prestigious Neighborhood” should not cast first lol-stone.

# posted by douchebag1
11:39 am July, 13 The Dude said...

He could un-douche pretty easily, according to available info.

11:39 am July, 13 Douche Springsteen said...

Oh Jessica, if your beau is making kissy lips and one of the top 3 douche hand signs in every pic and you’re STILL confused as to his ‘bag status, then you’re just missing the whole point of what we’re doing here. You could do better.
.
.
.
lol

11:42 am July, 13 tall guy said...

Have to agree with DB1 here, Jessica. Plus, the phrase ‘every single picture’ suggests you spend an inordinate amount of time making sure you’re in every picture. Such activity, in addition to being very indicative of certain first world disorders, is also rather ghastly behaviour. I suggest you rethink your strategy your opinion and, if necessary, those guys who you’re ‘seeing’ (and who, perhaps, are seeing to you – if you get my drift).

11:44 am July, 13 boone doggle said...

I had a LOL Stone once. Hurt like hell to pee.

11:50 am July, 13 Andrew Douche Clay said...

Jessica, the westside douche gesture is not this guy’s only problem. And personally, i think he has tainted you too. There is still hope for you (I think). Get away while you can.

11:55 am July, 13 tall guy said...

Also agree with Andrew Douche Clay; that’s one of the good things about living in the Foist World: it’s never too late…

12:00 pm July, 13 DarkSock said...

lol

12:04 pm July, 13 UFO Destroyers said...

When did it indicate “Westside?” I thought it was for George W? Dammit, I’ve doing it all wrong.

12:05 pm July, 13 UFO Destroyers said...

He’s a “gangsta” as Vanilla Ice.
.
Today.
.
Remodeling homes.

12:06 pm July, 13 tall guy said...

He’s a “gangsta” as Vanilla Ice

or, he’s as vanilla as ???

can someone please finish this?

12:09 pm July, 13 UFO Destroyers said...

a = as

12:21 pm July, 13 jonezy said...

if he places that hand gesture on the back of your head during fellatio in his Audi, I’ll give him the pass. lol

12:23 pm July, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

Jesssica, maybe if you weren’t laughing out loud every other sentence this boyfriend of yours might shape up. Lol.
.
Seriously though, let’s shift the focus on to me now. I have a delima. Other than not being able to spell delima. Okay, so I recently went on a date with a guy and before hand he was texting me. Every other sentence had a lol or a winky face after it. Now, I know I’m charming and witty, but c’mon! If you were to read his texts it literally, winking and laughing it would be like talking to someone with a serious case of Tourettes. Now is it douchey of me not to want to pursue anything further with this gentleman (he was a nice guy and we had a nice date) based solely on his text Tourettes. Also he lmao’d but when I met him his butt was still intact. So he’s a liar as well.

12:26 pm July, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’m sorry if I offended anybody with Tourettes. Lol. 😉

12:27 pm July, 13 Douchetastic Sam said...

Whatever happened to the “hot chick'” component in this equation? Jessica flying with the birdies and throwing the yellow card of douche?

“Is this irony?”

Citing car and neighborhood?

Douches abound and small furry animals are sad.

12:28 pm July, 13 Douchetastic Sam said...

I once enjoyed a delima, with rum I believe. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

12:31 pm July, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

Oh and Jessica your boy toy there isn’t even doing a proper Westside. His middle finger and ring finger need to be crossed a little bit more. He doing more of a Westside Story. So keep boning him and maybe he’ll get it right.

12:31 pm July, 13 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

The Old Choad needs a delim-in-a every so often….if he forgets to eat his greens.

12:31 pm July, 13 tall guy said...

@ Nancy D, you sure he wasn’t a lolcock? Plenty of signifiers in that posterity note alone.

12:37 pm July, 13 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I thought that was the sign for the “shocker.” The fact that she has been “seeing this guy for a while,” removes her right to mock. She is part of the problem and is as rife for mocking as is her douchebag boyfriend.

12:40 pm July, 13 Vin Douchal said...

Hey, Kozmo Kramer’s love child with Jo Anne Worley: It’s called taste and it isn’t located in your mouth
.
Gotta tell you folks, after 6 years of listening to Bubba The Love Sponge , I can say this is not uncommon in Florida . Florida is the white Trash capital of the world.
.
I’m not saying these two are white trash but what I am saying is they are influenced by the goings on around them……
.
……. not unlike my instant interest in NASCAR, chewing tobacco, sleeveless T’s and pit bulls when I moved to Fontana CA. I don’t even wake up anymore in the wee hours when a police helicopter uses my roof line as the tangent to their Perp Circle
.
.
Nope , LoL Gal , your misguided pseudo-tough guy is perfect for you. As your pose in this photo shows, a sweet smile to tell the world you’re a decent person and probably a pretty woman, too, was missed as soon as you joined his shenanigans and picked just as douchey a thing to do when the lens snapped.
.

You’re both douchebags , congrats. Now go get me a 12’er of PBR and a sausage sandwich at AM/PM and make sure your naked by the time I’ve got #8 emptied. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp

12:42 pm July, 13 DoucheyWallnuts said...

So she lets him buy her drinks and dinners in those most prestigious bars, restaurants and clubs in Miami, FL. lol, in exchange for copious amounts of copulation, and now he dumped her because she’s a lousy lay and smells like bean with bacon soup, so she exacts her revenge by sending his picture to us for mocking.

12:43 pm July, 13 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Douchette thy name is Jessica.
.
. Evidence:

.1) you picked this guy to date.
.
.2) you picked him for his signifier s like 2011 Audi and prestigious neighborhoods
.
3) You seem way too comfortable flashing the bird.
.
4) He acted like a douche and you thought it was cute…until it became clear he was doing it without a trace of irony.
.
.5) You still think it’s cute (don’t deny it) and seek some twisted, cognitive dissonant association/disassociation from his douche-i-tude so you can feel better about yourself for being attracted to the very thing(s) you are repulsed by. (Much like most women and my sex organ).
.
6) Hence, dear deluded Jessica, you are the cause of the problem, not the solution.
.
.
Start being attracted to regular dudes who don’t necessarily live in “prestigious neighborhoods” and there might be hope for you yet.

12:43 pm July, 13 DoucheyWallnuts said...

There’s a game where you read a news story and you have to guess if the event occurred in Florida or Nazi Germany. It’s a much tougher game than you’d think.

12:44 pm July, 13 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

…and what @Vin Douchal said.

12:56 pm July, 13 DarkSock said...

lolz

1:05 pm July, 13 Baron Von Goolo said...

Dear Jessica –
.
You are hotter than an iPad from a New York street vendor. That allows you to get away with many things. But not with using lol as punctuation.
.
Stay in school.
.
BVG

1:20 pm July, 13 Wedgie said...

I once knew a lass at the beach who said “like” about every other word. This reminds me of her.

1:26 pm July, 13 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

Choad The Douche Sprocket FTW, esp on point 5). Nicely done and btw Jessica is full-on bleeth LOL

1:27 pm July, 13 jonezy said...

man, that was funny dwall. case in point
.
Nancy D- if that dude on your date is younger than the Beibster, than I’d say it’s OK.
.
What actually sucks for me is that there is no punctuation for sarcasm – so I’m forced to use a smiley face thing so that some girl doesn’t think I’m just being a dick.
.
HOWEVER, no emoticons. Old skool style, colon followed by a space and an end paren. That should be the extent of any man’s texts. LOLs and lmaos should not be tolerated or acceptable.
.
BTW, did your date take you out to GET SOME fried chicken? I hope you didn’t order a water…

1:29 pm July, 13 tall guy said...

Also Jessica,

I live in a “Prestigious Neighborhood”. I grew up two neighbourhoods (aka suburbs) away. The “Prestigious Neighborhood” in which I live (see what I did there, Jess?) has always been a bit posh. But that don’t make me posh. Or prestigious. This is an inverse theory of class/societal distinctions, so keep doing them pole dancing classes, toots. And while mine is the voice of reason, yours hardly sits on the precipice of anarchy.

1:29 pm July, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She work centre stage at Barnum and Faileys new show: ” The Greatest Blow On Earth”
.
LOL </3 IMHO 🙂

1:35 pm July, 13 Mandouchian Candidate said...

There is nothing more in the universe that makes me want to cause bodily harm to a female more than overuse of LOL. The best day of my life will be when I can throw my phone in a lake and never look back.
+
And yes, this guy is a douche, but looks like you were made for one another. No run along and go eat a hot cock at one of Miami’s most prestigious men’s rooms.

1:35 pm July, 13 Mandouchian Candidate said...

no=now

1:39 pm July, 13 Hermit said...

Jessica,
Why do you flip the bird?
.
Are you mad at the photographer, your boyfriend, or just pissed off at humanity in general and The Machine in particular?
If it’s the latter, I think we may be perfect for each other. You remind me of that chick on Mythbusters, and I have the hots for her because she likes to blow shit up.
One time I even saw her welding aluminium in a tank top and it gave me a boner. If you’re thinking of ridding yourself of that douchebag, and are interested in a grizzled, bald derelict we should talk.
.
P.S. I have never in my life flashed a “West-Side” gang sign, and probably never will.
.
.
.
LOL

1:43 pm July, 13 Mr. Bungle said...

Jessica if you don’t stop typing lol after everything, you will go though the change and become a stage 3 bleeth. Knock it the hell off already. lol

Also: lol

1:44 pm July, 13 Hermit said...

This chick dammit., LOL

1:46 pm July, 13 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

If you have to ask whether a guy who makes westside signs and kissylips and lives in the douchiest city on earth is a douchebag, then you are probably beyond redemption. Further, if you are willfully dating such a specimen and using “lol” in any form of written communication, then you are just as big a douche as he is.

We do not serve your kind here.

2:16 pm July, 13 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“I would LOVE if you posted this picture on your blog, i would love nothing more then to embarass him on your blog , it would make my day and hopefully he will stop putting up westside signs in pictures.lol

the picture I am submitting is one we took last week, i decided to play along with the gangster-ness lol….THANK YOU! =)”
.
Seems like we want to have the center of attention shifted from him to us, don’t we “Jessica”? Does he get more attention than you? Does it piss you off? (Rhetorical one there so don’t bother answering.) “Why don’t people notice ME more? Stupid asshole boyfriend of mine! Hmmmmmmph!” (stomps foot on ground like 3 year old) Didn’t mommy and daddy give you enough attention when you were young? Or maybe they still don’t?
.
Good Lord you’re just as bad if not worse than the Westside Wigaa Wannabe. Try taking all the mirrors that you primp yourself in front of and run your head through them. That’s OK I’ll wait…………………… Couldn’t do it could ya? Admitting you’re just as shallow as he is would be the first step but you’ll never make it that far. Write back when you have something interesting to say.

2:32 pm July, 13 jonezy said...

Letters
Oblivious of
Language
.
Literate-less
Or
Languid?
.
Lambasting
Our
Language
.
Limp
Ominous
Lexecon

2:35 pm July, 13 Troy Tempest said...

He’s a douche, you’re a dope, next….

2:59 pm July, 13 Army of Douche-ness said...

“is there like a way to get him to just be a rich guy without the pompousness and postive reinforced behaviors of wealthy men by women for my own personal use cuz it’s less attractive when i’m trying to keep him monogamous cuz i want 100% of the ROI I can get from this?”- Jessica.

what a cunt.

3:38 pm July, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@jonezy, nope he was older than me. And I never once lol’ed back hoping he would get the point, but I probably just came off looking like a bitch as per usual. And we had omelettes and he drank water. Other than the lol stuff it was fine. But it bugged me, a lot, so I was just wondering if it was reason enough to give him the “No thank you, not interested.”

3:40 pm July, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Army of Douchness, WTF is ROI?! Goddamn all these abbrevs.

4:06 pm July, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Jessica is more full of shit than Mr. White’s rubber undergarments. Jessica is doing one of four things:
1. Attention-seeking
2. Getting revenge on her ex
3. Trying to please the New Boyfriend
4. All of the above
.
Let us also note that this is the kind of blog that guys like this one in the pic don’t read. They don’t read this blog because that would be like a LARPer going to VampireTheGatheringIsForFags.com. So he has no idea his pic is on here unless she called/emailed in tears and told him so. Let us also add that she “has been dating him for awhile” (It’s “A WHILE”, you semi-literate slag). Even if they are still together, which I doubt, let’s note the fact that this woman has been enjoying meals bought on his paycheck and rides in a car he most likely worked to earn. Not to mention she is sucking up free time when he could be at the titty bar, playing XBox, or jacking off, all of which would be a pleasure compared to dating this soul-sucking harpy. And how does she thank him for his consideration? She sends a picture to us, a famously “Dickish Bunch” (txs, BVG) to mock him.
.
Were I him, I would pick her up by that phony red hair, and swing her around like I was an Olympic hammer-thrower. Hopefully the trajectory of her flight would land her square in a pile of broken glass and used syringes. Jessica, you’re wearing a bra for a top (attention seeking tramp), you’re taking the picture yourself at arm’s length (too dumb to figure out how to work a camera with a timer) and you’re making a stupid face and flipping the bird (Immature, douchey behavior). This is your way of taking a bite out of douche? That’s as smart and effective as protesting abortion by tossing a couple of toddlers into a pizza oven. You fucking FAIL all across the board. May God have little or no mercy on your soul.
.
I will also go one step further and grant poor Tad here with a contingency notta. Even if he is acting stupid in front of a camera, he must have a kind and understanding heart if he has not yet pushed you down a flight of stairs and pissed on the ensuing head wound in light of your selfish, arrogant and immature behavior. And I say that with absolutely no hint of LOL.

4:34 pm July, 13 Anonymous said...

@ Medusa
.
LOL

4:36 pm July, 13 soy bomb said...

What I like to do, for kicks, is whenever I find something funny out there in the real world, instead of laughing, I stand there stone-faced and say “El Oh El” audibly. No one gets it.

5:00 pm July, 13 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Jessica is cute, but, lol, not the sharpest knife (lol) in the drawer LOL. LOL UGH

AOL 1998

5:33 pm July, 13 Mr. White said...

I’d chime in, but Medusa’s glorious verbal scorching pretty much covers it.
.
Although I will ask, what’s a fuccen “prestigious neighborhood”? Do you have to take standardized tests and write an essay to get in? Or is it just a place that twatwaffles like Jessica like to talk about?
.
LOLICOPTERZ!

5:52 pm July, 13 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Medusa 4:06 pm
Well said ma’am, well said.

6:28 pm July, 13 creature said...

jessica you earn little respect when you go ATM on the first date
.
ND you get what you seek when you cruise truck stops

6:47 pm July, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@creature, I cruise the interwebs super highway. It just seems like New Year’s Eve with every guy I meet on here.

7:17 pm July, 13 creature said...

funny….I would have thought it more like Halloween

7:23 pm July, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

I wish it was more like Halloween, i.e. scary and exciting. But alas, its been more like New Year’s Eve, i.e just waiting for those balls to drop.

8:10 pm July, 13 Steve L. said...

$10 says that Jessica’s Plentyoffish or Lavalife profile says she’s “super intelligent” and wants to find someone “equally as intelligent” as her.
.
lol

8:12 pm July, 13 Steve L. said...

actually that’s not funny.
there’s no way in hell i’d ever want to be as “intelligent” as Jessica.

8:59 pm July, 13 idfma said...

Yeah, can’t top Medusa and Choad–they summed that shit up. Very nice.
.
On the other hand I was relieved to discover I wasn’t anywhere near the only one pissed off by this post. This bitch bothered me from the fact she wears too much make up, the lol has been covered, she clearly wants this hopeless dickhead to grow up, only so he can focus on buying her more stuff and probably produce more little fuckheads like the two of them to further plague our already beleaguered planet.
.
I couldn’t decide which one of them was more trashcan to the head-worthy–fuck it let’s just say both and be done with it.

9:00 pm July, 13 idfma said...

Oh, and, uh, Jessica–he can’t be ANYTHING but a fucking douche bag. Look at him for christsakes.

9:03 pm July, 13 idfma said...

One more thing, he’s a douchebag with horrible fashion sense–I think I saw that shirt at Sears when I was there to buy a lawnmower.

3:14 am July, 14 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

@Nancy ROI = Return on Investment

LOL 🙂

6:33 am July, 14 Dan said...

DB1 should have required more suckle…anything.

Where’s the cleave?

8:14 am July, 14 DarkSock said...

lulz

8:38 am July, 14 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Deer Jessica: don’t give me The Eye if you don’t mean it. Teasing isn’t nice. Now, if you plan to attend FSU, you can give me all The Eye you want. Or not. But together we could mock Stackhouse.

8:47 am July, 14 jonezy said...

ctms
.
(chuckling to myself silently)

10:07 am July, 14 DarkSock said...

col

10:29 am July, 14 Mr. Biggs said...

Confucius say: She who calls boyfriend a douche on way to becoming bleeth.

10:30 am July, 14 Mr. Biggs said...

Confucius say: flipping off camera also more bleeth than gangsta.

10:30 am July, 14 Mr. Biggs said...

Confucius say: douchebags and bleeths make good couples.

10:31 am July, 14 Mr. Biggs said...

Confucius say: She who calls boys stinky likes to roll around in the stink.

10:33 am July, 14 Mr. Biggs said...

Confucius say: let she who is without bleeth cast the first stone.
Wait, wasn’t that Jesus?
Man, this strep is making me delirious.

10:35 am July, 14 Army of Douche-ness said...

@Nancy Drueche-

Return on Investment.

As in, if he has $1,000 to blow on fun every weekend, she gets all $1,000, not 1/4th of it as he spends it also on other women.

AoD

11:16 am July, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Chris and AoD, thank you, you would think I would know that being in business, but I was like OMG, WTF? Question then, what if a woman demands that you spend as little money as possible on her while wooing her? Is that better or worse for the guy? It would seem like he would have to be more creative and thoughtful to show that he was interested. How many girls would go for this though? I know I always offer to meet halfway and pay for my share but I’m still single so…

8:23 pm July, 14 creature said...

must be your charm & wit

11:10 pm July, 15 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Jessica uses enough lols to keep my lollygaggling. Oh, and she has great auburn red hair, so I’ll give her an lol-pass.
But yeah, he signifies douche. NO lols on him.

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