Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Ask DB1: Southern Orangeness

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DB1,
I’m a loyal reader but infrequent contributor as I find that writing something witty about the specimens on this site is difficult given the abundance of creativity on the part of the site’s contributors who can be described as at times nothing less than poetic.

Onto my issue; I recently moved to Florida and today got my new driver’s license. My face is something like Sangria burnt sierra orange.

Now I do like to at times lie outside and smoke cigars, read and look longingly at the Ass Pear that goes by. I’m Italian also so I happen to tan pretty well. Yet I would not describe myself as an obsessive tanner and I don’t work outdoors either.

I would like to argue that my pigmentation is merely a result of environmental factors since my old license photo from up north is decidedly more white than orange. Therefore, is one a douche merely because one’s place of domicile is so exposed to the sun’s rays?

I believe that this is a pressing issue in the field of douche studies, as if the aforementioned question is answered affirmatively then most white people in Florida could qualify as douches even if no other signifiers exist per se.

Regards,

Choade Harold’s Pilgrimage
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The Italian propensity to Orange can be forgiven within a safe palette range of hue. This scale is generally marked, as Reader Mike demonstrated with 2008’s Crimson Ted-o-Meter , between “ruddy” and “amaranth.”

There is some geographical leeway when it comes to natural orange hue, C.H.P. However, be careful. For one wrong step, and you’ll end up looking like this.

# posted by douchebag1
11:50 am July, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Ya! Reverend Chad is all tanned and child cock and shit in the summer because I’m out with my kids swimming and falling of my longboard and have an occasional alcohol poisoning flareup of red measels. I can’t stand putting on a coat of Factor 100 and shit when it’s all hot and shit in sunny Ontario. And sometimes if I’m really stoned my lighter burns my face when I’m lighting up the tiki-torches, or sometimes I wipe the extra oil on my face as I proceed to the next one and do a Richard Pryor.
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It’s all good.
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Child Cock Eaters

12:13 pm July, 12 jonezy said...

if you’re wearing rosary beads in that license pic, then you’ve gone too far. General orangeness can be forgiven, like this guy

12:18 pm July, 12 Troy Tempest said...

Rev – where are you? I’m in Toronto.

12:20 pm July, 12 Vin Douchal said...

12:20 pm July, 12 Troy Tempest said...

And in the photo – Malik looks lost. He’s just happy he’s not in Cairo anymore.

12:46 pm July, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Giganto page o’ ass pear photos :
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MSFW,MN (Maybe Safe For Work, Maybe Not)

12:47 pm July, 12 Vin Douchal said...

try again HERE

1:36 pm July, 12 Wheezer said...

Vin^ FTMFW…..and me for the tennis elbow.

1:39 pm July, 12 Nancy Dreuche said...

I think the douchyness lies in intentional obsessive tanning. Simply getting a tan because you’re outside shouldn’t count. Watch out for that skin cancer though, my pop’s who is 100 percent I-talian used to go out without any protection from the sun as a youngin’ and paid for it later with skin cancer. That’s why I prefer to stay a lighter shade of pale.

1:41 pm July, 12 Nancy Dreuche said...

Oh yeah I forgot my sign off.
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Diaper Dicks who Have Yet to Graduate From Diaper School

6:45 pm July, 12 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

The ladies can’t resist the allure of my farmer’s tan.

7:44 pm July, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Mr. Biscotti-Oblongata hails from the Mother-bootland, so it stands to reason he’d tan a bit. And now that he’s living in a house with a yard, instead of a three hundred foot high Italian concrete tower of death apartment building, he’s taking quite a bit of sun doing yardwork. He’s gotten so dark on the back of his neck and his arms it’s astounding. Then he gets all hot and sweaty while we’re working on the lawn and he has to take his shirt off. He’s got a farmer tan big time. But then that Italian happy trail calls to me, as he’s totally unshaven masculine fur-beast. O, the happy trail to paradise calls to me from across the yard, glistening with beads of sweat that shine like diamonds in the languid summer sun and…….oh. Sorry. What were we talking about? Ah, accidental tanning. Carry on, my Dago Amico. Imma go commit some rape in the garden shed.
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Peanuts.

9:03 pm July, 12 Stephanie said...

You could always buy sunscreen and stop your bellyaching.

9:48 pm July, 12 DarkSock said...

Oh to be a color namer for shades o’ douchebaggery:
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Burnt DiaperShart

9:49 pm July, 12 DarkSock said...

Santorum Felch

9:49 pm July, 12 DarkSock said...

Colostomy BloomBurst

9:50 pm July, 12 DarkSock said...

Rectal Belch

9:50 pm July, 12 DarkSock said...

MuleCøckk MüdRåpe

9:51 pm July, 12 DarkSock said...

MudHole AssStomp

9:52 pm July, 12 DarkSock said...

Medusa MulchRomp

9:53 pm July, 12 DarkSock said...

RevChad RumpRoast

10:31 pm July, 12 Steve L. said...

i remember doing landscaping 8 or more hours a day without any sunscreen. after a couple of days i looked like a Holstein cow and it started to hurt in the shower.
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therefore, i conclude that i’m too lazy for sunscreen. and that tanning is bad. the important part is not that i’m too lazy (which i am, but…). rather, it’s important to note that tanning is bad.
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um yeah.

8:21 am July, 13 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Pear…it’s full of pear. Which reminds me of the quote from Friedrich “Pear Hunter” Nietzsche: When you stare unto the pear the pear stares back at you.

8:22 am July, 13 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Oh, and CHP? notta and go in peace. Just avoid the sprayon tan and tanning booths.

2:57 pm July, 13 Army of Douche-ness said...

Greek guy weighs in noting that an actual tan from the sun will never appear orange.

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