Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Crotch Johnson and the Sara Bikini Hotties Order Bottle Service

To some, a thousand dollars for a bottle of Grey Goose may seem excessive.

To Crotch Johnson, it’s an ethos.

The Sara Bikini Hotties are malnourished in all the right ways. And while a peanut butter and banana sandwich may aid their health, I pooch their underfed bellies with feral lickage and top it off with a cannoli from Veniero’s.

# posted by douchebag1
2:54 pm July, 5 Douche Springsteen said...

I guess if you’re throwing down a grand for a bottle of Goose the only pants you can afford are stitched together from bits of streamers he found on the ground after the pride parade.

3:09 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Crotchy Baby. I told ya not to let anyone take a picture until we got you some cash for being the first exoskeletal humanoid to wear a fedora, clown pants, and mack on showgirls. Fuck off.
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Back to Plan B. Casey Anthony will be touring North America as a feature girl in the kind-of-near future with my missionaries. We are also in talks with Vivid for a XXX flick called ” Watch Me Fuck Florida While My Kid Is Rotting In a Trunk.” Gonna be a cock-jerker.
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Sickos

3:10 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

His hips are so wide he wants to be a surrogate father.

3:11 pm July, 5 Fatness said...

Looks more like can service. I’d gladly serve that bucket to his head.

3:12 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

His hips are so wide They can’t lie.

3:13 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Crotch Johnson’s great-grandad Moises was the buffest survivor of Dachau.;

3:14 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Crotch Johnson eats butterflies and drinks air.

3:15 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Crotch Johnson is the first man in history to do the Arnold Press with his groin.

3:15 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Crotch Johnson had spina crakada. It was cured with a coccyx transplant from a Cape Buffalo.

3:16 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Crotch Johnson can only wear size reverse triangular.

3:17 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Crotch Johnson’s bisection is Isosceles.

3:19 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Crotch Johnson can thrust so hard he makes glory holes.

3:19 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Crotch Johnson’s body type is N/A.

4:36 pm July, 5 Douchble Helix said...

I love those girls. They can have all my $. It’s just a question of how fast they get it from me.
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No regrets.

5:03 pm July, 5 The Dude said...

The low-kini girls seem skanky. Any money I stuff in their delightfully minimal swimwear will need to be laundered.

5:21 pm July, 5 Hermit said...

I love the circus, and it was P.T. Barnum who said that there’s a sucker born every minute.
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I’d swear by the hair on my chinny-chin-neckbeard that the skinny blond is a sucker.
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If, the price is right.

7:38 pm July, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Douchble Helix, which of these chicks are you nommin’ for HOH?
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This douche wouldn’t be so bad if he was someone completely different.

7:52 pm July, 5 The Dude said...

@ND 7.38 thank you, and please tell me where to send the bill for the drowned keyboard.

7:56 pm July, 5 Troy Tempest said...

Well, the hottness of the women is wasted on him. He has cataracts. Check it out – his eyeballs are milky white.
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Now don’t you feel bad about abusing this blind man?
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Do I?
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No.

8:10 pm July, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@The Dude, the keyboard company I guess. Get one of those keyboard condoms if this is a recurring issue.

8:29 pm July, 5 Steve L. said...

after robbing Crotch Johnson blind and inadvertently making him wake up in a neighboring state’s county jail the morning after, the Sara Bikini Hotties lament why they can’t get a hold of Charlie Sheen.
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yep yep. ain’t that the life.

8:32 pm July, 5 Douchble Helix said...

@ND – Who says I can only nominate one?

8:40 pm July, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Douchble H., hey, why not? Go for broke. Their showin’ ample boobage. I’m sure you can get some back up from your broheims on this one. I’m actually surprised you didn’t give a shout out to Manos’ ladyfriend. What gives? I thought I had figured out your type.

9:09 pm July, 5 DarkSock said...

The company that makes glory-hole doilies also make a very reasonably priced keyboard condom.
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As well as a cucumber merkin.
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And a D.I.Y. Turd-To-Frozen-Dildo Freezer Mold
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And cat asshole finger condoms.
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Google it.
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Seniors.

9:10 pm July, 5 idfma said...

His eyes say it all. My man looks like the Emperor in ‘Return of the Jedi’–you know, if the Emperor had no clothes (yes, I went there), and what appears to be a gaping, albeit healing wound in his pelvis. Yuck.

9:12 pm July, 5 DarkSock said...

I’m in Florida at a convention this week; my postings shall be spastic (OK…more spastic).
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so So lick my bong, and suck on my turtle…FUCK YEAH.
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$20 Hilton Hamburger Eaters…shit; that cow had better be fuccen Ghandi.

9:46 pm July, 5 Stephanie said...

Just cuz you stand near this bottle service doesn’t mean you ordered it.

9:51 pm July, 5 Stephanie said...

George Romero is looking for a zombie,there’s one in the middle.

10:22 pm July, 5 army (ret) douche said...

speaking of HoH did theboss ever postthe results on barely legal kelly? DS wouldn’t have made us wait… and or forgotten about it
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just saying

12:41 am July, 6 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Crotch Johnson is of the new generation of country band washboard artists…using his own abs as the instrument, and accompanied by hotts as the instrumentalists. Too damn lazy to do his own fingerwork.

12:42 am July, 6 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Those so-called pants he’s wearin’ are nothin’ more than a diversion tactic.

12:45 am July, 6 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Every time Crotch Johnson had his trousers altered, he scared the shit out of the tailors, the scissors out of their hands, and his own johnson out of his crotch.

in an age of over large sunglasses, a douche with mirrored contacts is almost respectable. its a shame when they price necessities like bottle service so high that people can’t afford shirts, or food.

at some point the blonde will say to the brunette, does this douchebag make us look fat? and as the answer occurs to them, they will motion to vacate default crotch johnson, who’s appeal will be denied on judgement.

remember, justice has boobies.

graceless nancys

1:47 am July, 6 Floppy Dick said...

The babes are hot especially blondie. The weirdo in the hat doesn’t have eyes and looks like there’s something wrong with him.

3:18 am July, 6 Douchble Helix said...

I realize I am bringing up the name of the greatest cool guy in history, but I’m only speaking of a character and a scene in a flick:

That’s the exact same pose, with the contemporary version of the pay to pose hotts, as in Cool Hand Luke’s photo that he sent back to the boys in the workhouse.

I couldn’t find the photo, so I’m offering this one instead: http://www.adrants.com/images/cool_hand_luke_water.jpg

Mutton heads.

3:24 am July, 6 Douchble Helix said...

@ND – You give me too much credit. Essentially, my ‘type’ is “a pussy and a pulse’.
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I regret if my forthrightness has offended anyone on this august forum.

3:26 am July, 6 Douchble Helix said...

Is Johnson doing a couple of hover hands?

3:30 am July, 6 Douchble Helix said...

Oh, ya doesn’t has to call me Johnson…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDevlNobB_g

3:32 am July, 6 Douchble Helix said...

You had to be there in the 70s.
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For about a month, that was the funniest guy, with the funniest catch phrase you ever heard. At least if you were a 10 years old at the time.
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If any of you hatters bailed out early, skip to the 1:50 mark, but if you can put yourself back in that place, at that time, you would have pissed yourself.

5:45 am July, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

” You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me Jimmy..” Good times DH.
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Whippersnappers

5:57 am July, 6 Doucheywallnuts said...

It’s amazing how the GSR looks great on one gender and ridiculous on the other…

6:10 am July, 6 I R A Darth Aggie said...

That’s an awful lot of GSR going on in that there picture.

6:57 am July, 6 Wheezer said...

Nice tramp stamp, Crotch. Please don’t show the matching one in back. I’m repulsed enough as it is.

7:08 am July, 6 creature said...

good place to tap dance on a claymore

7:17 am July, 6 Anonymous said...

Looks like someone took a dump on Crotch Johnson’s GSR. I guess he forget to tell his boyfriend that a Cleveland Steamer should be deposited on his chest.

7:17 am July, 6 Anonymous said...

But the Hotts are prefect candidates for the Chili Dog.

7:57 am July, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DH 3:24a, nope, I gave you that much credit.

10:11 am July, 6 Boner said...

These type of pictures really get me up. Keep em cumming sir.
BONER

7:55 pm July, 6 Count DeDouchebags said...

Noon: Oh, yeah!!! Vegas baby!! VIP at the pool!!

1:00 pm: I’m Crotch Johnson, from Omaha, Muthafukas!! Look at these bitches!! Woo Hoo!!! Bring me another bottle!!

2:00 pm: Crystal… HELL YEAH!! I love Crystal!! another bottle, dammit!!

3:00 pm: WADDAYAMEAN it gonna be $500 each? I thought you chicks were really into me!!!?

4:00 PM: …Yes, sir, $4500… If you don’t pay your bill, I’m going to have to call the police immediately…

5:00 pm: Dude…. come on man… bail my ass out!!!

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