Friday, July 1, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links

Your humble narrator finds himself wandering homeward. Backward through space and time. Back to the land of Stanley Cup champeens and really stupid accents.

Yup. My ass is in Boston.

Home of Mama DB1. And July 4th Weekend. So while I plan for a weekend of New Hampshirian relaxation, here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Meteor shit!”

Odious and pathetic rodeo clown and jizzmaster of HCwDB wannabe “The Dirty,” the uberdouchey “Nik Ritchie” is peddling a hilarious book proposal. “Nik Ritchie is this decade’s Lenny Bruce” for the ballpunch. Ritchie’s wannabe celebrity crash-and-burn arc is as enjoyable as it is long overdue. Up next: Weblebrity Rehab.

This is not a workout. It’s a homoerotic revolution.

HCwDB legend Joey Porsche makes it into Cracked Magazine’s 7 Things Good Parents Do That Screw Kids Up for Life.

Quentin Tarantino likes to suck ladies’ feet while playing with himself. But you already knew that.

A Los Angeles scenester goes to Vegas and discovers A place of supposed anti-douche. A retro arcade club called “Insert Coins”.

The generational passing of the Grieco virus: From Mohrbag to Bieber.

The pathetic last days of Stackhouse the Poet: Stackhouse The Poet in “Wikipedia is a Fraud.” It’s just getting sad.

But you are not here to watch Stackhouse descend into parody, sullen moodiness and rapid aging, you are here for Pear:

First up, a little Accidental Helicopter Pear.

And if that’s not enough for your July 4th BBQ Weekend, hows about some Corona Pear.

Like two paid-to-pose loafs of Challah bread wrestling over the check.

Enjoy. For the Weekend is Uponst.

# posted by douchebag1
11:59 am July, 1 Fatness said...

Nippolina on the right looks to be regretting the gas station burrito she ate at 4 AM. But any nip is better than no nip.
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The other two really should get back to running the cotton candy stand and Octopus ride at the county fair. Kiddies are waiting.

12:02 pm July, 1 Fatness said...

Accidental Helicopter Pear resulted in a confusion of sticks for the pilot.

12:18 pm July, 1 mr.reeve said...

Corona Pear FTB
3 days of drinking starts in 3 hours. It might get ugly at the Reeve house this weekend.
Oh and FUCK Jay Mohr and that little girl Bieber.
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Son
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“Baby Gun” Stackhouse drinks like an 18 year old girl. That alone makes him a giant assbag. “Git sum” balls and drink some god damned JD Son!

12:21 pm July, 1 Hermit said...

Eleven score and fifteen years ago Independence was declared. Founding fathers rammed the muzzles of Kentucky squirrel guns deep into the rectums of a tyrannical monocracy. Fireworks exploded over dark villages and people rejoiced as blood was spilled on sacred ground.
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Today the oppressed are caught in coil spring traps and the incremental noose of tyranny, is once again tightening slowly around their throats. The newly castrated sheep are left writhing in panicked delirium, while the death rattle emanates from poisoned lungs. What sounds like the distant rumble of thunder, is Thomas Jefferson bitch-slapping Betsy Ross.
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“Free World” leaders argue over the diminishing scraps left at the bottoms of fetid barrels while The Machine laughs at their futility, the drain plugs are opened and it’s contents dribble out of the shattered bottom of an apocalyptic hour glass. The organ grinder’s monkey struggles at the chain as The Machine yanks him off his feet.
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As the evening sun fades, Lenny the Box licks his lips as his client rounds the corner in a Deadhead Cadillac. Across the parking lot, Dudley Do-Right sits tall in the saddle and smiles as he counts his bribe money astride a black horse.
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A trio of long-necked pterodactyls fly in somber formation across blackening skies.
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Yesterday’s wealth has been squandered by the long-dead and still-dying. Old money thrown into the inflationary incinerators. Fat cats roll around in ecstasy on the bank vault floor while totalitarian fascists shine their jack boots and go door-to-door to stuff their pockets with the collected spoils of war.
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Grandma Rutherford died today of multiple stab wounds. The trust fund vultures descended upon the body before it cooled. Grandma Rutherford’s entrails were ripped apart, dragged across the barren ground and fought over by lawyers and trust fund jackals. Local sales of iPods, sports cars, cocaine and asymmetrical t-shirts spiked temporarily, but settled quickly back into lowered standards, steep decline and approaching famine.
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Far away the overheated printing presses are hot and smoking, while hungry babies look up forlornly with sunken, esurient eyes at Desperate Mother, while she scrapes the bottom of the fifteen dollar jar of peanut butter, one more time……………

12:38 pm July, 1 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I think that helicopter ride is going to be heavily discounted.
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I’m sad to say that I’m sick of Stackhouse. He is now a self parody of about the same quality of a really bad SNL skit. Crushing Ultra? Really? That’s the junior special Olympics of beers, Stack. Please remember to flush yourself when you are done.

12:50 pm July, 1 The Dude said...

4th of July = red-white-and-douche for some targets of mock.
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DB1 – enjoy Bahston. I hear they invented everything there, including douchebags, baseball, and tea.

1:15 pm July, 1 Steve L. said...

holy shit Insert Coins deserves respect for dragging Dreamcast and Atari 2600 out of the cemetery.

1:17 pm July, 1 Steve L. said...

but i maintain my opinion that the minute you step into any nightclub (even if it’s a gamer’s nightclub), that dilutes your gamer cred.
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son.
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gamer.

1:18 pm July, 1 Wheezer said...

I am crying salty fuccen tears, Hermit. That was evocative, man…..
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Will Stackhouse get mad at me for this:
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“Your name is Jason BEANLICKER, you poser! You are an absolute waste of human existence. I hope that poor dog you mistreat shits on your face while you’re snoring.
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But that is something we won’t see. Your own self-proclaimed 15 minutes in the spotlight (a la your Hot Chicks with Douchebags “Douchebag of the Year” victory) is long over. Once you actually allow yourself to realize that and the sadness your “life” really is, you might finally be happy detailing cars at the used car dealer. BUH-BYE.”
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And the dueling pears are exquisite. I almost choked after seeing Helicopter Pear, thinking that might have Twitney Spheres (in which case that pantiless state would have been no accident). Alas, it was not, and I like it that much more.

1:20 pm July, 1 Wheezer said...

And Boss? If you run into BostonDoucheBag, I hope you kick his douchebag arse whilst collecting your $10,000. Heh heh…..that’s a lotta fuccen Hostess money, broheim!

1:22 pm July, 1 Steve L. said...

nothing says good parenting like screwing up kids.
son.

1:24 pm July, 1 Steve L. said...

and the sad thing is, i never played an Atari 2600 or Dreamcast. because my parents wouldn’t let me play video / computer games. but when i started making money myself i told them to go fuck themselves.
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parents.

1:30 pm July, 1 Ted Brogan said...

Stackhouse needs to cease to exist. I learned a few things, though:
1) Wikipedia stole the word “wiki” from Wikileaks.
2) Stackhouse can beat up Wikipedia.

Here’s the rejected edit, by the way. I can’t imagine why it wasn’t accepted:
http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Deion_Sanders&diff=prev&oldid=431094637

1:48 pm July, 1 boone doggle said...

That’s ironic that Corona Pear is leaning on some wood and I have….BOING!

2:19 pm July, 1 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmmmm!!!!!! Accidental Helicopter Pear.

2:23 pm July, 1 Et Tu Douche? said...

Happy 4th to all yinz regulars and to you Rev Chad a hearty happy Canada Day, may your icky be sticky and may your Labatt’s be frosty cold this weekend.
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Beinlich is an asshole!!!!!!

2:37 pm July, 1 DarkSock said...

Stackhouse said he’s going to beat up Wikipedia.
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Then he called them “faggots” about 12 times, and suggested that their presumably male editors fellate him about 17 times.
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treats girls abusively, disrespectfully and with hostility.
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Drinks Michelob Ultra.
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Smokes Kool menthols.
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The results are in: Beanie’s a Self-hating closet dweller. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
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Sport.

2:43 pm July, 1 DarkSock said...

Regarding Nik Richie’s “book”: I see what you’re doing there, James McGinniss. You’re kicking the horrifically self-worshipful prose of Mr. Hooman Karamian up a notch, repeating it back to him in your press release, and then laughing all the way to the bank with the check for your efforts on his vanity project.
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I approve of this, Mr. McGinniss. Please milk this living tit in slo-mo for as long as you can.

2:51 pm July, 1 Et Tu Douche? said...

Hermit is a friggin genius

i love black tube smoosh tits, damn i would treat her like vintage vinyl new wave records unitarian church pot luck supper.
otoh on the right went to all that trouble to get a ring through her nose, and be different in every well received way, and she still ends up looking just like her bitter matronly carp faced mother at a precocious age

he is the bastard gnat of flea.

@ a unitarian pot luck supper

for those scoring at home, fuck it, if you are scoring at home .

wifefuckers.

3:53 pm July, 1 Baron Von Goolo said...

I’m not ready to piss in jay Mohr’s cornflakes. ACTION is easily one of the top 5 greatest and most unappreciated sitcoms of our time, right along with ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE.

4:42 pm July, 1 Mr. Biggs said...

First off, two links in today’s links FTW.
Steve L, the nice thing about Insert Coins and places like it is you easily see who there is a real tamer and who’s there to be seen. It’s all about what lights up their eyes.
Me, I can stick a quarter in Gauntlet and play the wizard till I’m sick of the game. All while getting fed drinks.

5:05 pm July, 1 hermit android thumbs said...

Jay Mohr subs for jim Rome on his radio show and kills.

5:08 pm July, 1 Wedgie said...

You can’t crush an Ultra, it’s made of soft poop. You can squish one, though.
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Sock peed in a Stackhouse once.

5:09 pm July, 1 Wedgie said...

BTW, I’ve never been a big fan of Corona, but I’ll sure as hell drink one tonight, in her honor. Or in her and on her. Whatever.

5:20 pm July, 1 Douchble Helix said...

I knew I’d seen this pic before…
http://the-mongrel-piano.blogspot.com/2010/04/rolling-stones-black-and-blue-1976_18.html

5:28 pm July, 1 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Stack’s transformation from Stackhouse the poet to Stackhouse the smutty philosopher is quite amazing.

5:39 pm July, 1 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’ll click on the Stackhouse link after another Crown and Coke. And a frontal labotomy. Quentin Tarantino is now officially off of my Final Four brackets chart. Whatta douche!
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Freaking amazing Hermit. Write a book already!
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Happy 4th everyone! Don’t blow yourselves up.

8:21 pm July, 1 Rachel Hottowitz said...

Did you guys go visit Stackhouse’s channel and visit his two other project websites?

He’s got a site for cam dudes. And he’s one of the “models”.

Oy gevalt.

9:00 pm July, 1 DarkSock said...

Stackhouse has achieved with Stupidity and Douchness what this moth has achieved with this light bulb:
weryq5
They are now ONE and the SAME.
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GrassHoppas.

9:41 pm July, 1 DarkSock said...

In 10 years right chick is going to be uglier than mules fucking.

9:46 pm July, 1 DarkSock said...

@ Nancy D
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Happy 4th everyone! Don’t blow yourselves up.
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Our annual tradition down here in Biloxi is to drink copiously until sundown, then pile in the boat(s) and haul ass (in the dark) from the back bay to off-shore on the front beach, getting as close as physically possible to the casino’s hu-fucking-mungous firework barges so that we’re directly under the explosions, showered with burning cinders and the stench of gunpowder. The casinos along Casino Row keep trying to out-do each other every year to the point where it’s gotten into Jackass territory.
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So, we should be fairly safe. Explosives, booze, water, darkness…what’s the worse that could happen?
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Y’all should come with one year.
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I think one of us got killed last year…I’m sorta foggy about it, like it’s a dream…eh, fuggit, it obviously wasn’t me.
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Good Times.
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Fire Marshalls.

10:16 pm July, 1 idfma said...

@Dark–in 10 years? That chick is all kinds of scary shit right now.
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Shithouse is getting really fat. I couldn’t make it past the 30 second mark in the video, but what was that fucking film loop in the background–is that supposed to be him diving? If so, it explains a lot. He is simply another washed up college/high school athlete who got a lot of attention and pussy in school, became deluded about how great he was, and now spends his time doing the same things he did in school absent the discpline and structure of the athletic program that made him the monster he is today. It is also making him fat. The Ultras aren’t helping…maybe you should switch to wine coolers asshole.
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Holy Divers.

11:07 pm July, 1 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

The best part of Stackhouse’s vid? The WWE and UFC replica belts artfully arranged in the background. The man’s in his mid-thirties, and he still thinks that sort of thing looks cool. Sheesh.

6:07 am July, 2 Doucheywallnuts said...

That Tatum O’Neal sure can pull some douchebags….

7:13 am July, 2 Holbrooks said...

Tarantino liking feet? I thought this would have been in the links for sure…2:38 on:

7:18 am July, 2 Holbrooks said...

DB1…

“The Nipple That Ruined All of Human Achievement and the Mocked All Accomplishments of the Species.”

Laughed my arse off at that post title. Having another chuckle right now.

7:38 am July, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DarkSock, sounds like you’re taking the necessary safety precautions. And yes I would be honored to make the first Too Soon? joke if you should perish. It will be tasteful though followed by a 21 Horse Pee Salute.

8:28 am July, 2 Wheezer said...

BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
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We made Stacky mad…..

9:08 am July, 2 Douchble Helix said...

And that clip from Holbrooks brings the whole HCwDB full circle. It was just reported Selma Hayak’s husband got supermodel Linda Evangalista preggers the same time he got Selma pregnant, 4 years ago. (too lazy for the link, tough shit)
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Only a DB could do that.

9:08 am July, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Good story Hermit. I missed it yesterday while Lenny The Box’ family was here swimming and eating. I thought I was crying salty fucking tears but it’s my eyes bleeding from the firework battle when we went to Lenny’s and fought the hordes from across the lane at his hovel. The only winners were the kids crying at a drunken stoned spectacle that even the coppers couldn’t stop.
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Good Times. Yanks.

9:29 am July, 2 Lady Godiva's Piebald said...

@the rev

i think its adorable how canada has a miniature oh canada day, around the time of our 4th of july. you precious dears must have been feeling a trifle left out. its nice to see how you copy our ways of celebrating, by being as openly caucasian as the law will allow, and then some. that is how we do it, and you try too.

sort of like how the last canadian stanley cup could legally do porn, now.

excedingly redundant tip of the hat to canada, and all their junior american traditions.

winnie the peggers.

9:50 am July, 2 Medusa Oblongata said...

I wanna say something clever, but I’m high on polyurethane fumes after finishing a floor, and now I have to go dig holes for tomatoes. Mr. B. is already out there and I’m sucking up the last bit of AC. Son. Stack sucks balls. Alpaca ones.

10:32 am July, 2 skrag2112 said...

Accidental Helicopter Pear makes me want to “Get to the choppa!”

Comparing Nik Ritchie to Lenny Bruce is like comparing goat feces to filet mignon. If Nik wants to be like Lenny, he should OD on heroin.

10:58 am July, 2 DarkSock said...

“Diggin’ holes for the ol’ tomatoes”….ah, young love…
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Perverts

12:00 pm July, 2 Fatness said...

Jebus, MO, stay hydrated. I finished mowing the lawn 140 miles north of you this morning and spent the next hour gasping for air. It’s about 150 degrees out there.
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Glad to see Shithouse is finally coming of age.

12:10 pm July, 2 DarkSock said...

^Shit. Y’all don’t know hot. It’s so hot here that if you don’t run into the house with the groceries your eggs will be hard-boiled. It’s so hot you can piss and it never hits the ground. It’s so hot here you can kill a chicken, peel and eat it on the spot. It’s so hot here dogs shit raisins.

12:12 pm July, 2 DarkSock said...

@ idfma:
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You are right. Chick on the right has that “Have you been in my purse AGAIN, mutherfucker?!?? I KNOW I had 12 VIcodin left…” look on face.
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I know that look.

11:43 am July, 3 creature said...

stackhouse has become unwatchable…nothing left to mock, just sad & pathetic

6:03 pm July, 3 One for the Choad said...

I can’t wait to see Stackhouse at 50.

6:32 pm July, 3 DarkSock said...

Wait…he’s not 50?

10:52 pm July, 3 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

More like he just originated out of AREA 51. Only a government secret could explain his existence. He’s beyond douchebaggery. Someone oughta whoop his hiney little ass with those fake belts.

10:54 pm July, 3 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I always like it when the broads wear their martial arts black belts across the boobline. Leaves the waist open for grabs.

10:56 pm July, 3 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Enjoy Lake Winnepesaukee, Boss.

10:57 pm July, 3 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Helicopter Pear whirls the bird, all righty.

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