Friday, July 15, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links

As greasy refried beanbags soft serve the hotties a dollop of stupid talk, and the hotties giggle, I contemplate the eternal mating dance on this Friday.

So much has changed in the five years of this site. Yet branding and the media marketplace continue to reconfigure the sex drive as profit in the eternal recasting of douche product as sexual enhancement.

And so I poo on a fig leaf. In a metaphorical sense.

But rice wine and assorted snack cakes comfort me with sugary goodness and primal aplomb.

The sun will rise. The sun will set. And Lou Gorman’s ghost will have spectral lunch in the sky.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “He keeps putting his testicles all over me!”

The great Skweezy Jibbs will live 4-EVA, ZON!

A blog named “Two in the Shirt” gives HCwDB some love.

Emma Stone is hot for Christina Hendricks. Boobs.

Reader Eddie sends in this pic of a Tramp Stamp vending machine. You know. For the kids. In Long Island and parts of Jersey.

Dark Socks.

Sportsbag of the Year? Brian Wilson of the Giants makes his case.

The hottest woman in the world is currently Rachel Nichols. In case you were wondering.

Star Wars Alpacas. So cute. And yet so powerful with the ways of the Force.

Old Chicks with Assholes. Yet pretty damn hilarious in a just wrong sorta way.

This week in Aussiebaggery: Party at Kyle’s House. Oz hasn’t seen a plague this bad since Bart brought over the frogs.

Speaking of Australian douchebags, enjoy the great Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry in Rupert Murdoch: It’s a Wonderful Life

And then there’s legendary crooner Tom Jones. Where orange and douchey is so orange and douchey, even our Rockstar Leniency Rule struggles to make an exception.

And from 70s Tom Jones, we move to something that goes well with beer, wine and other assorted beverages of choice:

Coquettish Pear.

It squishes like firm melons on a tilt-o-whirl.

Enjoy. It is Friday. And Adonai commands rest.

# posted by douchebag1
12:54 pm July, 15 baffomet said...

The chick on the left looks liked she’s all coked out. Thank goodness for drugs!

1:01 pm July, 15 Wheezer said...

Mmmmmm, Coquettish Pear is a delicious slice of cutie pie!
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For those who didn’t see my post in some other comments thread, I sent the Boss the link to the Emma Stone/Christina Hendricks article. That stilll gets a rise outta me.

1:01 pm July, 15 Wheezer said...

And by “stilll,” I mean stillllllllllllllllllll…..I suppose.

1:02 pm July, 15 DoucheyWallnuts said...

It’s disturbing to think that events that took place in the mid-to-late 1970s established the conditions, social customs and sensibilities that resulted in the above picture being taken place some 35-years later.
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When a British writer had his article, “Tribal Rites of the New Saturday Night”, published in New York magazine in 1976 he set the wheels in motion that have effectively created Douchebag Culture and all its associated cultural horrors. You see, this seemingly obscure magazine article served as the basis/inspiration for a little movie that opened in 1977 titled, “Saturday Night Fever,” which caused the Douchebag scourge to go viral before people knew what “going viral” meant. Just as resentment of the Treaty of Versailles” helped create the conditions that gave rise to the Nazis in the 1930s, Saturday Night Fever glamorized and Douchebags a world-wide platform from which to spread their dread.
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To make matters worse, the original R rated version was pared down to a PG-13 and re-released in 1984 so that a new and younger generation could be exposed to the virus.
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It is hard to look at a Douchebag, as in the above picture, and not think of how without Tony Manero and his rayon shirts, rayon bell-bottoms and Cuban-heeled shoes, none of these horrors would be possible. The Douchebags of SNF days were quaint, low-brow, low-cost descendants of today’s ostentatious, table service using conspicuous consumers. While the clothes were as obnoxious, the mannerisms were more one-dimensional, and their seed was relegated to insulated areas such as Brooklyn and Staten Island.
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But as is the case with all horrific genetic mutations, it spreads, gains power, becomes more horrendous, threatens to consume all and ultimately bears little resemblance to its original form. So while Manero and company were happy sitting cafeteria style in clubs that looked like high school cafeterias and dined at classy joints like White Castle, today’s Douche-descendants life and thrive in high-cost, high-end environs, borrowing and spending, spending and borrowing to maintain their habits.
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“Twenty minutes in the girl and twenty minutes in the car,” was the cry of the 1970s proto-douche. Today, all we hear is, “Groooo….” Steroids replaced greenies. Ed Hardy replaced polyester. The genie is out of the bottle and we are all paying for it.
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So the next time you catch SNF on cable and laugh at its spartan setting and simpleton characters and wax nostalgic about the good old days, remember that this is what started it all. Robert Stigwood, the Bee Gees, John Travolta, the multi-colored dance floor, disco, and the like are like the simple, harmless single-celled creature that turns into the behemoth that conquers the world.

1:02 pm July, 15 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Me, Emma Stone, Christina Hendricks, a bottle of wine and a stick of butter.
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What could possibly go wrong?

1:03 pm July, 15 Ken said...

I’m gonna have to say the nay-no for B. Wilson as Sportsbag. His fashion choice are unmistakably douche, but he does a ton a charity work, actually won a championship, and is a legit great player. And his interviews are actually worth listening to and he’s not taking pictures surrounded by groupies, unlike Jeff Reed.
If anything, Lebron is a sportsbag-all talk and nothing to show for it.

1:04 pm July, 15 Wheezer said...

Brian Wilson furthers his case…..

1:06 pm July, 15 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Interesting…I didn’t realize there were (at least) two Rachel Nichols. I was thinking of ESPN’s football chick.

1:15 pm July, 15 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Tom Jones gets a lifetime pass. He is like Captain Kirk. Kirk banged his way space, the final frontier, and balled a green broad. Watch this video with TJ and Janis Joplin and you KNOW he banged her. If he’d bang that he could and would bang anything and everything.
.

1:22 pm July, 15 jonezy said...

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lolarious
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1:24 pm July, 15 Et Tu Douche? said...

I second a notta for Tom Jones.
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Rachel Nichols is Hottttt!!!!!!!
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Mmmmmmmmm Coquettish Pear.

1:28 pm July, 15 Southern Scrotic said...

Which photo of Emma does it for you?
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This is a multiple choice quiz with a number of wrong answers.

1:33 pm July, 15 Mr. White said...

It’s difficult to masturbate for the entire length of “Easy A,” just so you know. I tried.

2:26 pm July, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Tom Jones, Notta
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Brian Wilson, Notta. He’s an original in a day and age where’s it really hard to be one.
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ALSO, when it comes to baseball wackadoos Red Sox fans understand.
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We’ve had Carl Everett (didn’t believe in dinosaurs because he’d never seen one) , Oil Can Boyd, Dennis Eckersley , Bill Spaceman Lee, George “Boomer” Scott , Manny Ramirez:
.

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the long haired version of Johnny Damon, Kevin Millar AND Sean Casey not to forget Pokey Reese (grew up in a one room shack with a dirt floor and no plumbing or water with twelve other kids, in AMERICA!), Coco Crisp and his Matrix punch duck, Jose Canseco and Ricky Henderson . Wacks, everyone of them.
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I was sitting up in left field at a Red Sox game at Angels’ Stadium and when the Sox went to the bullpen late in the game, Ricky went into the bullpen just below our seats to take a wizz in the home team’s bathroom. The reliever was done warming up and they almost threw a pitch while Ricky was in there. He came out running with his pants at his knees as he tucked in his shirt , stumbling out of the pen and out to the field. Awesome

2:33 pm July, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Coco orchestrates the best bench clearing brawl of the modern (NESN) era. And Jonny Gomes is a rabbit punching cuntrag:

2:40 pm July, 15 Vin Douchal said...

I forget Knuckelhead Julian Tavares

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And current effective, yet idiotic Alfredo Aceves, he shakes off more signals than he has pitches and mouths the words “Fastball” or “Curveball” as he looks into the catchers signs

2:41 pm July, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Okay, I’m done.

3:24 pm July, 15 mr.reeve said...

F the Sox. Sorry Vin.
And I had no clue Dark Sock was a hipster. Wow. Just wow.

4:16 pm July, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

Brian Wilson, notta. Squeezy Jibbs, notta.
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Old Chicks With Assholes? Not gonna lie, I lol’ed.

5:14 pm July, 15 Hermit said...

I nominate “The Old Chicks with Assholes” chick for HOH.
Making sweet love with an emphysemic elderly woman is an indulgent, naughty pleasure which has, unfortunately, been a Western taboo for far too long. A time honored tradition, a delicate dance of pleasure and pain, leather and lace, Lysol and vomit. Pull the chord on the O2 machine and watch the asphyxiation begin, first with panicked bleating and arm waving, then with blue-faced ecstacy as the blood is starved. Pop the cork and the brain cells burst like so many tiny champagne bubbles.
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Pass me the Marlboros, bitch.

5:38 pm July, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit, I will second that nom. She’s got the goods. And if she puts tubes up her nose, that means she’ll put anything up there.

6:09 pm July, 15 Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Douche said...

Ooh, Elin Grindemyr. There will never be enough pictures of her. http://www.google.com/search?q=elin+grindemyr

6:12 pm July, 15 Steve L. said...

Emma Stone & Christina Hendricks FTW.
that is all.

7:04 pm July, 15 Tyrannosaurus Douche said...

Wow, you folks have gone soft. Notta for Tom Jones? Did you actually click the link? Notta for Brian Wilson? Did you click the MULTIPLE links? BW gets a pass because he can throw a baseball???? DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE!!!!!

7:12 pm July, 15 Baron Von Goolo said...

The Good Lord put each and every one of us on His good, green Earth for one purpose and one purpose only: as counterweight to Tom Jones’ awesomeness, keeping the planet on course and not careening into the sun.
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You will accept this Truth.

7:23 pm July, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

@TD, BW gets a pass from me for the reasons Ken stated above. On the douchebag spectrum he scores low. He’s a personality, someone who gives good sound bites for the Pre-game Post-game post Game Pre-Game Sports Talk Show. He is not in Jeff Reedbag territory yet. Could he get there? Too early to call. When he start posing with every bar floozie around and having public tantrums then I may change my tune.
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And Tom Jones gets no Rockstar Leniency from me. Greasy orange douche. What’s new Pussycat? I tell you what’s new, you’re a fucking douche Tom.

8:46 pm July, 15 Et Tu Douche? said...

I concur with the Baron, Tom Jones is the man!!!

9:16 pm July, 15 DarkSock said...

Tom Jones is not the enemy here. Engelbert Humperdinck is.
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Has History taught us NOTHING?
adh

9:54 pm July, 15 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I gotta say, working kind of sucks. I get to check in like once a week now and ALWAYS miss Friday Haiku. Damn. Anyway…

A little Twitter for ya’ll:

YourFavWhiteGuy Branden
by xxxBiBiJones
Spikey hair is a head’s allergic reaction to the fucking douchebag it’s attached to.

5:50 am July, 16 Doucheywallnuts said...

So here’s a question; how is the rocketed leniency rule applied? Evenly, like sun tan lotion is applied by someone with two functional hands, or unevenly applied like someone with stumps?

5:50 am July, 16 Doucheywallnuts said...

Rocketed above should be rock star. Stupid auto spell check,,,,,

5:53 am July, 16 idfma said...

Skweezy Jibbs wasn’t real? Holy shit. This changes everything.

6:56 am July, 16 mr.reeve said...

Brian Wilson gets a notta from me. Same with Tom Jones.
Ass for Pear, it gets a pass right into my spank bank in my mind.

10:04 am July, 16 creature said...

a gay Dark Sock???
who’d a thunk it

11:00 am July, 16 DarkSock said...

No, no, no, Creature…That’s my cousin DickSuck.

2:23 pm July, 16 Anonymous said...

Coquettish douche = douchebag, Sorry

4:49 am July, 17 Guid is Good said...

On behalf of all Australians please accept my apologies for Kyle Sandilands – although you do have to admire someone with a stripper pole in the dining room. The blonde in the red pants is all kinds of cute, I wonder what her hourly rate is?

9:16 pm July, 17 Stephanie said...

I love Tom Jone’s new record,but he’s still a douchebag,
I heard tour stories,he was a dog that would fuck a sheep.
(It’s not right,and it looks weird even for me)
He’s a orange greasy dog. Engelbert is a no talent,and so is Wayne Newton. Giant Yuck all of those guys.

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