Thursday, July 21, 2011
Juan’s July Fourth Cookout Was Better Than Yours
As Juan might say, “Challo! When not playing in my tribute band to short lived 90s sensation ‘Sublime,’ I like to wear beads and woo the ladies of Cal. State Northridge with my chinny chinn fung. Thanks for stopping by! Can I get you a Fresca?”
No, thank you, Juan. I will, however, awkwardly talk to Suzanne on the left by the BBQ and pretend that yes, I did totally love the Twilight series. And Lisbeth Salander is totally like my hero, too. Until she catches me drooling on her half eaten hamburger, and then excuses herself to go get some watermelon.
A 5 on 2 ratio of hotties to douches and this minority grease ball feels the need to throw a shocker??? More armed guards on the north side of the Rio Grande please…
Light green, second from right- I would dress up in a tutu and leggings and play “Black Swan” with you for hours…
Blondie , second on left, wears Juan’s wee gold medal won in the “Tiney Peen Olympics” distance pissing event.
God Bless North America.
Attencione Juan. You are not TuPac, unfortunately for us. The Bro to Hoe ratio is also a little Hoe heavy. And what kind of ass serves Fresca on the celebration of the birth of our nation? Everyone knows that Fanta is the official drink of the Fourth.
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Douche in the middle above Juan, I would avoid making eye contact with you all day. And then when I caught you staring at me I would look up and smile. Then I would go home and proceed to fuck the shit outta FishSlap. Because lord knows noone else around here appears to be up to the task.
Apropos of nothing, Frank Schleck laid the hammer down today in the Alps ballsy cycling. Tall Guy if your reading this I’m still pulling for Cadel Evans to win it all, however if Lil’ Tommy Voeckler hangs on that would be kinda cool. Contador is a bitch.
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Domestiques
Hott on far left makes me all patriotic and shit and by patriotic I mean she gives me a woodrow
Suzanne brought her reluctant friends to Juan’s party “cause like he totally has like the best weed.” Now they are stuck listening to him talk about how some guy named Rome sucks as he creepily stares at their boobs.
Say this out loud in your best Cartman voice: “But Moooooooooooooom, all the chulobags are tying their bandanas around their heads with the knots on the side, not in the font. Do you want me to look like Casper the Pasty Ghost behind me? And beads godamnit! I need more beads!”
I hate to think it possible but I think these people should be drinking sweet Faygo. They are Jugaloo.
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Clowns
@M.P.I, they were mistaken, because everyone knows, black dudes got the best weed. Juan smokes pencil shavings and oregano. Don’t even get me started on the time he filled the Octobong up with catnip. Pobrecito Juan? No, more like pobrecito los gatos.
Boobies, I said BOOBIES! How can you boys complain when there are 10 delectable boobies in the pic?!? I repeat BOOBIES!
P.S. Simply ignore the douche….
5 bucks bet he has one of those bouncing cars,like his uncle does. They bring such culture to the planet.
nothing celebrates July 4th like importing Mexican boobies.
@Stephanie, I will take you up on that wager. I think Juan here drives a Prius. Also he’s probably a vegetarian. And he listens to Duncan Sheik. If you win, you admit that you’re actually a dude. If I win, I’ll give you a BJ.
@Cindy 1:19PM
Can we wager on something? anything? cause I’ll be losing on purpose.
Why do people think I’m a guy? It must be my comments,apparently a woman couldn’t say or think those things,huh? I don’t want a BJ,I’m a female, damn it! Cindy I’m here to mock.
I’m sorry Stephanie. Let’s shake on it. And by shake on it I mean, I’m gonna give you a handy. You know, on your penis.
^Internet Cat fight!
I hate it when these comment threads get derailed after only a few posts….So how about them Mexicans stealing all the good American bleeths?
Looks like all the Runners-Up of Miss Sun Fun Festival found condolences in the sweaty armpits of El Capitan and his parent’s backyard hot tub. Good thing Juan kept his shirt on… they’ve had enough competition for one day.