Thursday, July 28, 2011

Reader Mail: The Hottest Chick From Highschool Now Dates The Guys in “Lifehouse”

Blair writes in with a depressing life update on the hottest girl from high school we all remember thinking “I wonder what became of her.” Now we know:

————
Subject: Radio Buttrock douchewads

I went to high school with this girl, she went to nursing school and just moved to LA to be with THE DUDE IN F@#KING LIFEHOUSE (who’s late 30s, and she’s 21).

I mean, good for her, she drives a Porsche now and has a tiny pursedog, but is it really at the expense of having to see photos of yourself with turds like this in 5 years? I mean shit, more like 2 years.
————

I don’t know what “Lifehouse” is, but no Rockstar Leniency Rule for these atrocious bar flushes. They pee on the very concept of music with their douchestrocities.

Sometimes I’d rather not know what happened to the hot girl from high school. I can pretend she became that nurse. And fantasize about catheter tubes.

# posted by douchebag1
9:21 am July, 28 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Does having plastic tits make one a bleeth? Did I miss the memo? Is Lifehouse a band or something at an amusement park? Would any non-loser really be upset that this girl moved on? Why are rockers all short? So many questions….

9:22 am July, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’d lick her turdcutter. Lifehouse? Let me look into that. I am assuming that the Porsche is a leased Boxster and the purse dog does not have it’s papers in order.
.
Critics

9:35 am July, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I can’t bring myself to subject my friends her to Lifehouse. It appears they are a soul-sucking EMO love ballad band with exponentially decreasing success and all traits of the douche.
.
Blair,
.
An intervention is needed immediately before these douches go broke on start killing themselves Heath Ledger style, he was good as the letcherous skateboard shop owner in the most supreme of fictional stories of the beginning of modern skateboarding, “The Lords of Dogtown” *****, but I’m still glad he’s deaded. Blair must steal the Porsche and the purse dog and head back to ASU to her job as swabber in the STD clinic in the quad.
.
One Hit Wonders

9:37 am July, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

Lifehouse?

10:22 am July, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Dear Blair,
What kind of fucked up special needs highschool did you go to that this douche spigot is the hottest thing it produced?
Sincerly,
McCrudeshoes

10:32 am July, 28 Mandouchian Candidate said...

DMC for the win.

10:38 am July, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That girl’s ass is so flat she wears suspenders.

10:40 am July, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

According to the McCude New Oxford English Dictionary:
Lifehouse: noun. A small floating structure containing a seat over an opening into the water where people suffering from amoebic dysentery evacuate their bowels into the sea.

11:08 am July, 28 schlicht bindenburger said...

lifehouse……more like pudhouse!

11:09 am July, 28 schlicht bindenburger said...

……more like funghouse!

11:10 am July, 28 schlicht bindenburger said...

more like……gnathut! shit now my brain hurts!

11:16 am July, 28 soy bomb said...

“Lifehouse.” Can you imagine actually being a member of this band and forced to churn out middling, mid-tempo soft rock “hits?” I don’t care how many hotts you bang. It’s not worth your rock-n-roll soul.

11:18 am July, 28 Jeff said...

These dudes are awesome! I saw them live once. I bought two of them a beer. They like really feel their music so its like raw and personal and stuff. I have a t-shirt from the show. That guy’s girlfriend is hot. I can vouch for him being a solid dude.

11:22 am July, 28 Hurl Scheibe said...

Drop these turds in the Outhouse.
Where they belong.

11:31 am July, 28 Douche Springsteen said...

There is nothing I hold in contempt more than the calculated Wild Rock-n-Roll Dude look. The only people who think it’s outrageous are slight pre-menopausal ladies who work at banks.

11:31 am July, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Jeff,
That story would mean something if 1)It was the Rolling Stones. 2)You bought Keith Richards 2 grams and did lines with him. 3)You and Bianca Jagger stole a Porsche at the show and drove it to Honduras where you continue to evade the law.
.
The Lifehouse story is about as exciting as getting the autograph of a Japanese tourist at Karaoke night.

11:58 am July, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Jeff–“Solid dude”? Glad to hear he sported a satisfactory erection. Hope he kissed you after.

12:04 pm July, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

This is the first comment on the Lifehouse video I had to go looking for because I didn’t know what they sound like.
.
“Im a dude and I love this song eff all you insensitive males this is REAL music! LIFEHOUSE ROCKS!!!!
cuddlebuddy7 3 days ago 51 ”
.
“Cutiebuddy7” says “LIFEHOUSE ROCKS!!!”
.
Really? ‘Rocks’?
.
Let me explain ‘rocks’ to you.
.
This rocks.
.
This SUCKS. And by sucks, I mean sucks cocks. This is shit that gets dumpy soccer moms all hot in the crotch of their pleat-front, relaxed-fit jeans.

12:17 pm July, 28 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

The cutest girl in my high school was amazingly tight and curvy back in the day. Beautiful tanned skin, long dark hair, and piercing brown eyes that told every guy in every grade that he didn’t have a f*cking chance with her but hey, at least she looked at you.
.
She now has a mustache Tom Selleck would envy. Oh how the hotties do fall.

12:28 pm July, 28 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

And Lifehouse reflects only part of what’s horribly wrong with music today. To their credit I don’t think they use Autotune software. They may write paltry drivel but at least they let their own voices play out. What REALLY sucks about music is that what’s cool today is EVERYTHING is sampled and/or over engineered. Back in the day it didn’t matter if you could do everything (sing, play an instrument, write), but you had to at least be able to do SOMETHING real about the music or you’d never make it in front of an audience. Note that I didn’t say you had to do it well, but you had to at least be able to do it. Today you don’t need to know ANYTYHING about music. Can’t write a song? Don’t worry we’ve got monkeys in the back room stringing together samples from other songs over a generic club beat. Can’t play an instrument? Don’t worry, see above. Nobody plays instruments for real anymore. Can’t sing? Don’t worry, just shit into this microphone and we’ll autotune you so you sound like Whitney Houston having an asthma attack through her crack pipe. INSTANT SUCCESS. And the saddest part is its all so blatant, so out there in its incompetence; and the younger generations eat it up. Thank god my young tator tots enjoy going to see real rock bands in concert like Foreigner, Kiss, and Journey.
.
So I give Lifehouse a nadda for being douche. You may not like the band, but at least they write/play/sing. The way music was meant to be. Go in peace crappy psuedo-Christian pop band, just don’t be surprised if Tom Araya shows up at your doorstep one day, kicks your ass up around your shoulders, and walks off with the hottest chick at Blair’s school.

12:46 pm July, 28 Troy Tempest said...

Lifehouse rocks? Ummmm. No.

Chrome ROCKS.

Lifehouse “rocks” about as well as Attack Attack.

Watch this, but only if you haven’t eaten yet. These idiots SUCK BALLS. They go from growling death metal to happy emo autotune crap and back again. and then it spins up to disco dance hall doof doof techno, then back to Emo and back to death metal OH GOD MAKE IT STOP. It’s REALLY awful. And they jump up and down like monkeys, with identical clothes and haircuts, like the Beatles, if the Beatles were pumping gas in Piscataway NJ.

12:51 pm July, 28 DarkSock said...

LifeHouse? Shit…I’d rather listen to StackHouse.

1:05 pm July, 28 Douchie Arnaz said...

Let me get this straight: you can front a no-talent, sound-alike, nowhere band nobody’s ever heard of and make enough cash to buy your skank Heather girlfriend a Porsche? Why does anybody work at a real job anymore?

1:06 pm July, 28 Douchie Arnaz said...

@Scrotato Head: Foreigner, Kiss, and Journey are your exemplar bands? Sorry, but that’s just sad. I hope you’re joking.

1:13 pm July, 28 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Douchie Arnaz. You missed the message. I never said bands like them were exemplary. I said they at least earned the right to have an audiance. They understand the mechanics of music and song writing. They play their own instruments. They’ve got the balls to sing without some engineer having to make them sound like something more than a hyena in a car wash. Personally I’ll take a Kiss tune over Ke$ha any time, any place. That doesn’t mean Kiss deserves a Grammy. But does mean Ke$ha sucks ass.

1:21 pm July, 28 Et Tu Douche? said...

@ Mr Scrotato Head
I hear you man, you’re spot on.

1:42 pm July, 28 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Troy Tempest^
.
Watched the video. Never have so few, done so many head flips and poop squats, to produce so little.
.
On the plus side my stock in black tee-shirt manufacturing is up. Way up.

1:46 pm July, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Scrotato,
The other two might be better examples. It sounds to me like Kiss used a doubler effect much of the time to improve their singing.

2:17 pm July, 28 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Dude McCrudeshoes^
.
You’re probably right. But I imagine if Paul Stanley belted out “Rock and Roll All Night” in a bar at 1:00 in the morning after a night of heavy drinking, even without the doubler effect, you’d shout “Hey! That’s the dude that sings for Kiss!” and join in with everyone else because even if you haven’t heard the song for a couple years you know it.
.
If T-Pain stood up moments later in the same bar and started crooning his mega hit “Therapy” featuring Kanye West, you’d wonder why the waiter was yelling out the daily drink specials and when did he get emphysema. Then you’d wonder why everyone in the bar was looking at each other and asking the same question until someone, iphone in hand, whispered in the ear of the person next to them that they think it’s Chris Brown singing “Kiss Kiss” featuring T Payne, except he can’t tell for sure because the guy doesn’t sound like any black man he’s ever bought an itune by in his life.

2:21 pm July, 28 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Ahhh music. The great signifier of the insignificant.
.
.The one worthless topic (other than sports) that causes normally reasonable people to act like idiots.
.
.”Anything too stupid to be spoken is sung.” – Voltaire
.
.
.Vladimir Nabakov

3:22 pm July, 28 Gamelorn said...

Lifehouse has the same music producer as John Mayer and Dave Matthews. Need I say more?

3:30 pm July, 28 DarkSock said...

O Lord I watched Troy’s Attack Attack video as well. Someone needs to tell the piss ant on the keyboard that trying to do metal moves while behind keyboards is like titty-fucking: you may think you’re bad-ass but you simply look very very silly, with no dignity whatsoever.
.
Sir John Gielgood + Titty-Fucking = Silly Old Man.
.
There; I proved my point using math.

3:30 pm July, 28 schlicht bindenburger said...

choadly sprocket hits another reasoned home run! huzzah!

3:32 pm July, 28 DarkSock said...

More math:

The Dead Milkmen once sang “Life Is Shit”.

Therefore, accepting this postulate:

If Life = Shit, then LifeHouse = ShitHouse.
.
.
.
.
.
TittyFuckkers.

4:21 pm July, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Medusa
.
I’m feelin’ a little old school for my rock today. Although I do LOVE “Raining Blood”.
.
@ Troy
.
That shitty video made me actually get off my ass and go and work out today. That happens like once every 5 or 10 years. Thanks. I owe you one. I think I may have even lost a pound. It was either that or pull a Bruce Willis with my monitor. My IT department hates me already so I figured that wouldn’t be a good idea.
.
and finally @ Scrotato
.
Fine band choices one and all. Might I suggest a bit of the old school too? A little Zepplin, Sabbath, and Metallica (anything up to and including the black album. Everything after that was pure unadulterated shit). Maybe throw in some Bad Company and Queen as well? Just a thought. You want them to be well rounded, no?
.

4:30 pm July, 28 Jeff said...

Jesus, sorry dudes. I was just sharing my opinion.

5:11 pm July, 28 Cindy said...

@Douchie Arnaz, I work a real job so I don’t have to put up with the shit that comes with dating a loser just for his money.

5:13 pm July, 28 Cindy said...

@Jeff, opionions are like assholes, everyone wants to stick their finger in yours. Well at least that’s been my experience.

5:17 pm July, 28 Jeff said...

@Cindy, woah, TMI. If that your way of coming on to me I’ll have you know I’m already set my sights on Stephanie that posts here. Now there’s a real no nonsense kind of woman. Sorry about your butthole.

5:58 pm July, 28 Cindy said...

@Jeff, thank you for taking the time to express your concern about my butthole. You seem like a solid dude and that’s hard to find these days. Guys these days seem to be pretty much all about themselves. You know, the kind that tells you about his ex-girlfriend right before you get down to business with him. Who does that? I’m guessing you wouldn’t Jeff. I’m guessing you would recognize that I have nothing to do with what happened between him and her and if he’s not over that bullshit yet, what the fudge is he doing trying to start something with me? Nothing kills a lady boner like hearing about an ex on the first date. Anyway Jeff, if I can impart one piece of wisdom to you it would be learn from your past and don’t punish your next relationship for the sins of the people before it. I know, TMI, but it had to be said.

7:07 pm July, 28 Cindy said...

@Jeff, don’t get me wrong, I still hate fucked the shit outta him. Ha!
Go figure.

7:15 pm July, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’m with the Elder Poonslayers above regarding old music. A wee bit of Queen, Aerosmith, Rush in there is good for the prostate as well. Drink your lycopenes you old fuckstars.
.
Statesmen

7:24 pm July, 28 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Nothing says ROCK! STAR! like living in a cookie cutter suburban sprawl townhouse, buying your clothes at the local mall’s Hot Topic and taking your picture with some other dude’s High School Fantasy Girl® in the parking lot of that suburban sprawl townhouse while wearing your latest Hot Topic purchase. Good on ya, you fucking manufactured rock douche!

7:40 pm July, 28 Steve said...

As the great wise man George Carlin once said : Soft Rock. That lame-ass, not threatening, suburban white boy junk played by bands like “Men Without Testicles”.

9:35 pm July, 28 Troy Tempest said...

@All – yeah, Attack Attack open up whole new meanings for the word “Suckage”. Sorry to inflict it, but after Lifepoo or whatever they’re called, Attack Attack just sprang to my mind, kind of like pizza, beer, and tripe strips rush out as a hurling stream of puke after downing a pile of ipecac.

9:40 pm July, 28 Stephanie said...

If Jeff likes Lifehouse,I feel sorry for you. I would check out more bands with better music…You’re gonna get it for liking a band that will turn up in Goodwill bins in about a year or sooner.

9:46 pm July, 28 Troy Tempest said...

BWAHAHAHAAAA – I found a scathing review of Attack Attack’s video. It’s wonderful. And merciless.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2009/jun/24/attack-attack-stick-stickly-video

9:47 pm July, 28 Stephanie said...

Lifehouse will be dropped from their label soon,since they cannot concoct a crappy top 40 song. They sound like Hootie & The Blowfish!

10:19 pm July, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

Dear Troy: I watched about twenty seconds of that Attack Attack video. I have a ping pong paddle with your piney little balls’ names on it.

10:54 pm July, 28 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Damn You, DarkSock, now Stackhouse will be drifitng over here again with his splenic output. Galls meine arse.

11:02 pm July, 28 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Hottest chick from high school goes to nursing school….from the looks of that rack of hers, she’s nursing something other than infants and/or patients….maybe about 100 grudges from mockers..
for a truly hotchick with at least FOUR douchebags.
Besiides all that, LIFEHOUSE sounds like the name of a Christian rock group grounded on rocks off the coast of Maine.

9:32 am July, 29 Sir David Douchenborough said...

This is what irks me about that bowel-gurggling induced nonsense. After hardcore regained a bit of steam in the nineties, all these scene/emo kids at the turn of the millennium couldn’t develop their own discerning sense, so what happens? Rehash every terrible aspect of other music genre of the past and mash it together. Christ, Muchmusic here in Canada used to have a Headbanger’s Ball equivalent (The Power Hour, I think) and later on, they actually had a Much Loud segment. Of course, this was back then when at least some good music would still receive air time.
.
Today? Those terrible “Music channels” hold contests for upcoming bands, and by the soul of Sir John A. MacDonald, Canada gets infected with its Canuck version of that Attack! Attack! shite .
.
Because nothing screams hardcore like perfectly parted hair and looking like a Ken doll. Somebody has some ‘splainin to do. Yeah, I know, I just raised your ire and blood pressure. But, it was just to show some solidarity in this auditory suffering.

11:03 am July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Oh shit! It really happened. Lifehouse and Attack Attack! have merged.

7:25 am July, 31 Wheezer said...

@Doc Bunsen, 4:21 p.m. –
.
I’ll then assume you’re quite familiar with this one…..

3:07 pm July, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

“Crabcore”, huh? Well, at least these guys have strong quads. I suppose the next wave of douche won’t be over-pumped biceps, but huge, freaky quadriceps. With stick arms.
.
Quarterbacks.

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