Monday, July 18, 2011

Spider Tool

Suburban white people of the world, hark!

It is 2011.

No amount of spider tattoos will ever change the fact of your genetic limitations.

I don’t care if Captain Stuping’s Slutty Daughter and Ginger from the latest adult smash, “Gilligan’s Thighland,” happen to cohabitate in your Vegasian presence for a parsec or two.

You’re still six months away from an assistant office manager interview in Waterbury, Connecticut.

Don’t blame yourself. Pierre Bourdieu has explained to us the broad and complex post-structural cultural determinants that, no matter how hard you fight, will ultimately inform your constructions of self. No amount of douche Spider Tatts will change that determination, Kevin. Now go get me a chicken pot pie.

# posted by douchebag1
1:29 pm July, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Captain Stuping’s daughter is growing a few Green Goblins.

1:34 pm July, 18 Wedgie said...

Andy? I thought his name was Fred.

1:37 pm July, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

Ginger has seen better days, ouch!!!

1:37 pm July, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled prostates. A peck of pickled prostates Peter Parker picked. If Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled prostates, Tranny.

1:39 pm July, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

This pic would ne improved if Jay Jonah Jamieson’s daughter Jenna was getting anal from another whore, or two. Ya know, lesbo strap-on like.

1:41 pm July, 18 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Of all the dumb ideas for tattoos i have seen people ink up their body with; this is probably a case where the tattoo is emabarrassed to be attached to this low rent fry cook. Enjoy your poolside weekend, because tuesday, it’s back to Carl’s, Jr.

*
Juniors

1:58 pm July, 18 Anonymous said...

Captain Suping’s Daughter has an impressive pair of channel marker bouys.

2:03 pm July, 18 Douche Assassin said...

Been a while since I have posted, but I’m back baby! This loser looks like the last human-sized poop log spider-man crapped out after his last fight with Crocodile. This turd lives with his mom (blue bikini) and ugly girlfriend (green bikini).

This leads me to ask DB1 this: When did this website become ACwDB aka Average Chicks with Douchebags?

2:25 pm July, 18 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Although Captain Stuping’s daughter is hardly hot, methinks a skin diving lesson with her would be most beneficial for us both.
.
.Ginger — though difficult to see beneath the oversized hat and ginormous glasses — has all the earmarks of a faded beauty who’s been rode hard and put up wet.
.
.
.Spider Tool can pull nothing better because he’s covered his body in arachnid signifiers that would appeal only to aging sluts and hottie wannabes.
.
.
.But ya gotta hand it to the dude. At least he ain’t punching above his weight.

2:41 pm July, 18 Vin Douchal said...

And the Iron Shiek has explained to us that he is a Jabroni

2:43 pm July, 18 Vin Douchal said...

And every doorman in Vegas has explained to us that Captain Stuping’s going to the back of the line

2:46 pm July, 18 Vin Douchal said...

And Captain Stabbin™ has explained to us that Captain Stuping’s Slutty Daughter is ripe for “An Anal Adventure”

2:53 pm July, 18 Douche Springsteen said...

Spider-Bag, Spider-Bag, does whatever a douchebag can.

Which in this case is obviously douche it up poolside with some awful tats and drinks in plastic cups with a couple hotts. Of indeterminate gender.

2:54 pm July, 18 Douche Springsteen said...

Props to Vin for the Captain Stabbin’ reference. Ladies, if he ever tries to get you on his boat, say NO.

3:57 pm July, 18 soy bomb said...

Another blissful childhood memory destroyed. F*ck you, douchebag.

3:58 pm July, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

So is her right tit named “Amos”?

3:58 pm July, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Or is her right tit named “Raggedy”?

4:13 pm July, 18 The Dude said...

I really, really like Cap’n Stuping’s daughter’s mamacitas.
.
Melonious spunk.

4:33 pm July, 18 Bigphatnotadouche said...

Captain Back arch knows how to properly inflate a sail.

4:48 pm July, 18 Wheezer said...

Heather, 45, a redhead divorcée, has been striking out in her dating adventures for far too long, at least in her mind and in the minds of her social circle. After all, her former husband left her a sizable estate, didn’t he? What good is all that money, space, and luxury without a steady pool boy or two, preferably of Latin descent? Well, she has had her share of them in the last two years, even more so since Lester passed six months ago of some untimely illness.
.
However, no one in her stream of salsa cockk ever made her feel, you know, “hip.” Her orphaned stepdaughter Andrea (“Andy”) had this youthful, ne’er-do-well, carefree spirit Heather envied — nay, demanded. Of herself. In an attempt to connect with the daughter who was never hers and perhaps steal some of that laissez faire attitude, Heather splurged on a Caribbean cruise for Andy and her “good friend” Kevin.
.
Now, Kevin had designs on this trip being for more than just a few days on the water, F.O.C. He thought Andy would want him and would finally put out for him, but Andy just wasn’t reading the signs.
.
Heather, however, was seeing things all too clearly. Andy, at 18, was clearly not mature enough to understand the yearnings of Kevin, 27. And Kevin’s “bulge” wasn’t much, but there was something there, Heather noticed. The dejection he felt after Andy’s latest flippant lack of recognizance was written all over Kevin’s face much like the, ummmmm, “intricate designs” on which Heather later remarked…..much to the surprise of Kevin and his suddenly stirring loins.
.
“Mrs. Tannenbaum? What–what’s goin’ on, yo?”
.
“Kevin, I see what my daugh—–errrrr, step-daughter’s doing to you and it hurts me as well.” She stroked the webbing pattern on his undeveloped chest. “But I understand a craving when I see it…..and feel it.” She let her vodka breath fall on his neck, and her hand to the tiny member between Kevin’s thin legs.
.
Kevin immediately came.
.
He began bobbing like a ShakeWeight, simultaneously grabbing his stained crotch and exclaiming various “Oh mans” and “WTFs,” before finally exiting the room in a hurry. This left a defeated Heather to mutter to herself in the doorway, “I was this close. I was almost hip.” She drained the rest of the contents of her Grey Goose bottle and threw herself into her bed, sobbing fitfully.
.
.
.
.
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Of course, when the crew got back to Vegas, Kevin had this pic (taken on day 1 of the cruise) to show off his “MILF conquest.”
.
“Dude, you shoulda seen her beggin’ for it, bro! We got fuccen shitfaced and she couldn’t keep her hands off me, jack! The whole. Fuccen. TRIP!”

4:49 pm July, 18 DarkSock said...

You’re all dumb-asses, the whole lot of you.
.
Don’t you WonderBreads™ know that the spidertat emblazoned across one’s clavicles signifies that in prison your mouth served as a meat version of a glory-hole doily?
.
Found that out the hard way. Stupid compound speeding ticket mandatory sentencing.

5:41 pm July, 18 Anonymous said...

They’re really putting the poop into poop deck.
.
More like Captain Boobing.
.
And I’m gonna make like a Black Widow and cook this guy some fried chicken, collard greens and cornbread. And then I’m gonna kill him.

5:50 pm July, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Captain Stabbin’ is a first class cocksman and total old pig with a boat. I regret my first and last voyage. Fuck did he get me drunk, use me, and throw me overboard.

6:52 pm July, 18 creature said...

gotta love a gal that puts her goods out there….if I put my tiller in her snug harbour, I’d honk those bad boys like an epilectic clown on an AWHOOOOGAH hown!

6:52 pm July, 18 creature said...

horn…sheesh…stupid whiskey!

7:37 pm July, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

Spider fag, Spider fag
hangin’ out at the pool douchebag
grabs a MILF, and a hott
photos yes, but the nookie? Not!
Look out!
Here comes the Spider fag.

8:17 pm July, 18 Vin Douchal said...

“the tiny member between Kevin’s thin legs” and the accompanying yarn FTW

8:33 pm July, 18 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Assistant Office Manager? DB1, you’re slipping.
.
A guy like this never works in a place with air conditioning or at a job that doesn’t require getting dirt under his finger nails. Actually, this is the type of guy that does the jobs that even Mike Rowe says, “Yeah, piss off, I’m not doing THAT.”

9:04 pm July, 18 Doucheywallnuts said...

I see ugly people….

9:58 pm July, 18 verstehe said...

Two girls, a meth cook, and a pizza place.

9:59 pm July, 18 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

One girl, one “girl”, a meth cook, and his pizza face.

4:00 pm July, 19 Elwood Blues said...

Spider Stool.

10:24 pm July, 19 Stephanie said...

I don’t even think he could be a fry cook at Carl’s Jr…

8:59 am July, 25 Trypno said...

Surely you jest, as this douche will never, in his forseeable future, ever hold a job with the titles ‘assistant’ or ‘manager’.

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