Thursday, July 28, 2011

Where Llamas Go to Die

I remember it well.

I was gun running with a band of militants in Bolivia doing covert ops for the Friends of Zapata. Brothers too hirsute to even bother scratching.

Men who could quote Trotsky in Gaelic, and spit lemongrass at a nearby sloth with the accuracy of an indigenous harpooneer.

We made the trade by the abandoned French colonist plantation where Old Petey LeTourre still lived and knitted mittens.

Lots of scotch passed through those lips to wash the tears and ravages of Sister Maggie’s betrayal.

Old Mother Hubbard never told no tales like this one, I tell you.

Ancient cars rumbled on the dirt roads like dusty coughs from the belly of an architect.

But I closed my eyes. The echo of her screams like dying quails in the sunset lake hunts of her youth.

And stupid hair on a douchebag in a club, with so much hipster irony I could take a musket and sell it for coin just to hop that bus back to Albuquerque.

Back to Albuquerque. Where Sons of the Revolution sputter like impotent field mice in the hazy woodlands of her mind.

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This post brought to you by “Random Tom Waits Lyric Generator.”

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# posted by douchebag1
1:26 pm July, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

This is like a glimpse through the rabbit hole. Is that Dorothy Hamil with a beard? Modern-day Prince Valiant? Little Lord Fauntleroy and Russell Brand’s love child?
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Daisy of the fake lashes and cheap blush wine, I would satisfy every one of your low standards. Call me!

1:47 pm July, 28 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Hey boss, stop ripping off Lifehouse tunes. No talent hack.

1:52 pm July, 28 Claude Douchenbagger said...

What the hell is with the youth of today? This is certainly not the America I grew up in. The chick however, I would drink her bath water.

1:53 pm July, 28 Claude Douchenbagger said...

Wait a minute… Wait a minute…he has a bobby pin in his hair I swear to g-d!!!

2:10 pm July, 28 Et Tu Douche? said...

Hearing tales of llamas & Bolivian covert op’s for some reason reminds me of the Sedero Luminoso of Peru. If only they would take up arms again and kidnap this Hipster douchepud for his hair crimes against humanity and Vicuñas, Alpacas and aforementioned Llamas.

2:40 pm July, 28 Hong Kong Douchey said...

Somebody needs to go all Michael Westen on his ass.

2:45 pm July, 28 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Carol Channing called; she wants her hair back.
qrt

2:48 pm July, 28 DoucheyWallnuts said...

While we are all stumbling over each other to make fun of douchey, we have neglected to mention that she is one hot Hott….even if she’s drinking a cheap rose wine.

2:50 pm July, 28 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Some random MSNBC/CNBC anchorwomen called; she wants her hair back.

3:19 pm July, 28 DarkSock said...

After disposing of the body, Lance placed Aniston’s bloodied scalp over his own; instantly he was inundated with beautiful girls.

3:20 pm July, 28 DarkSock said...

Look At This Fucking Dickster

3:40 pm July, 28 boone doggle said...

she’s mia sara hot.

3:53 pm July, 28 Mr. Biggs said...

No, I distinctly remember Hasbro marketing that at Comic-Con.

4:34 pm July, 28 Jeff said...

He’s Phyllis Diller hot.

4:47 pm July, 28 Jeff said...

Maybe he just borrowed her wig. Man, if he was one of my broheims I would not let this slide. Is he taking fashion advice from her? Newflash Cachi, you’re girlfriend is wearing DisMaybelline. “Maybe she’s born with it? Nah, maybe she got it from the paiint section at Home Depot.”

4:47 pm July, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

A little blush wine will be appearing in 3…2…1… BLOOOOOOORRRRRPH! And you know what? It can’t make him look any worse. Or better.

4:51 pm July, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Boss
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For a minute I thought we may have crossed paths in the early to mid-80’s. Bolivia wasn’t nearly as fun as Honduras. You haven’t lived until you’ve the burning entrails of a man falling out of a tree. Good times, good times.

4:59 pm July, 28 DarkSock said...

He’s the bass player from LifeHouse.

5:18 pm July, 28 Devil's Advocate said...

What’s with the bobby pin, Haystack? He looks like a Talky Tina doll with a beard.

The hott looks to use a spackle trowel to apply her makeup. I’d still fuck her.

5:39 pm July, 28 Jeff said...

@Devil’s Advocate, the fact that you’ld bone her despite the bad make u is all I need to nominate this young lady for HOH. Yo, DB1, what’s this broads name,
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.
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Unknown Broad for HOH.

5:59 pm July, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I think DB1 is getting his inspiration from this guy.
.

6:13 pm July, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And possibly this guy.
.

6:46 pm July, 28 crazy-sexy-douche said...

She’s giving the eye of coitus without giving the eye coitus. Amazing.

6:52 pm July, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She is one fine looking young lass. This dude had an unfortunate incident with one of these.
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7:35 pm July, 28 Vin Douchal said...

I’m semi-out of commission out here in God’s Country , Cape Cod. Can’t drink all day because it’s just me and the little guy, can’t party at night because they roll the sidewalks up at 9PM and can’t get to a computer much at all.
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The android phone is useless as cell phone reception/public wifi is item # 1298 on the agenda as they are more busy taking away civil liberties like jaywalking, playing frisbee in a park with more than 20 people present as it is an injury possibility, and making sure a vehicle waits 27 minutes at a left arrow before it turns green.
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The roads are beat to shit, wind around like a drunken sailor drew them up and only 8 feet across anyway so when a tow truck or tree service vehicle is barreling towards you at 58 MPH on a road (98% of the roads are 25 MPH, it’s amazing more people don’t fall asleep in sheer boredom at the wheel and pound into one of the never ending walls of pine trees) you are looking for any indentation on the right side to avoid a nasty decapitation…..
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The only saving grace is the beaches. Wall to wall beauties in revealing swimming garb. But amazingly, very little douchebag action.
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The only other saving grace is when everyone goes to bed like right around now and I can pop a soma and groove to the iPod. This sucks, I miss SoCal and the insufferable 110 degrees. No wonder I left this bitchy little island years ago. It’s depressing. What ever friends are still around are handymen or hospital sanitation supervisors grousing about the lack of opportunity. Duh, you live in a ghost town.
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Back to the new Yes album to enhance the soma buzz.
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Starship Troopers

9:07 pm July, 28 Student Loan said...

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9:29 pm July, 28 Stephanie said...

Andy Warhol wigs really get the chicks.

9:29 pm July, 28 Troy Tempest said...

So, someone beat me to the Carol Channing Joke. Damn.
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@Vin – the new Yes album is the best thing they’ve done in 25 maybe 30 years. Gonna see them play next week. WOOT! Last time I saw them play was for Relayer in 1976.
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the bleeth has “I’m an expensive date” written all over her taint.

10:39 pm July, 28 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I prefer to think they were spitting coca leaf sputum rather than lemongrass. Fits the region a tad better.

6:33 am July, 29 creature said...

post the G#ddamn haiku already DarkSock, you cruel back bayou animal trainer…I gotta go to work! Sheeesh

11:31 am July, 29 DouchYouWannaDance said...

Dear God.

I’m trying to imagine the level of cluelesness in a guy with a “douche-stubble” beard and Ellen DeGeneras’ hair, wake up, look in the mirror, and decide THAT is the look he was going for.

12:43 pm July, 29 pyrpylkyrtynz said...

Why does he need the bobby pin to hold his(!) hair in place? The buttered toast he combed it with should have held it ok.

5:34 pm July, 29 Douchie Arnaz said...

I would comment on how lame this post was, but I’m full of bourbon I can’t stand up.

9:46 am July, 30 creature said...

Andre Aggassi wearing Steffi Graf’s merkin

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