Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Ask DB1: Spiked = Autobag?

——-
Dear DB1,

The question has to be asked: Does a spiked do = autodouche?

Spiky-haired Henry here may be a bit overzealous in his styling choices, or be overcompensating for being picked on (or more likely, ignored) during his formative years, but he neither acts nor sounds like a douchebag when you meet him.

What say you DB!?

Follically yours,
Choad the Douche Sprocket

——

Spiked douche hair = autobag status. No exceptions.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

# posted by douchebag1
11:47 am August, 23 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

There should be a rule stating that any hairstyle that resembles a Medieval weapon is auto douche.

11:50 am August, 23 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

To all the regs out there….and yes, I’m speaking to you @Hermit…. the hott in the pic is a friend/colleague of the Choadster, so show sum respeck in the comments thread s’il vous plait!
.
.Balzacs

11:52 am August, 23 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

I think most of us have encountered difficult situations at times during our respective baghunting careers where we meet a specimen that displays undeniable autotaint signifiers yet acts like a decent human being in all other respects. The only sensible course of action is to hold our ground on the autobag classification and not let our emotions tempt us into making case-by-case nottabag exceptions, with the condition that the subject is not necessarily a lost cause. These people can often be taught, through intense mockery and internet derision regimens, to turn things around. In other words, though one may be autobag at any given time due to certain unacceptable adoucherements, the condition isn’t automatically permanent.

11:52 am August, 23 Louise said...

This idiot is still wandering around footloose and fancy free. He has yet to receive my memo on how stupid he looks. Note to Self: Send this stalagshithead the fucking memo!
.
That chick looks like his sister.
.
.
Idiot brothers

12:01 pm August, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Choad the Douche Sprocket
.
“…but he neither acts nor sounds like a douchebag when you meet him.” So the sideways peace sign has become a nottadouche signifier? I think you’re trapped in some sort of alternate reality. Get back to this one stat before all hope is lost.

12:05 pm August, 23 smackdouche said...

Methinks Choad/Henry doth protest too much.

12:10 pm August, 23 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Shaved chest reveal, peace sign, neck bling, large watch, sculpted brows, a plethora of photo taking devices; how does one overlook all those traits? The spiked hair is only one of many abominations.

12:10 pm August, 23 Vin Douchal said...

@ Choad TDS
.
You’re a Vegas guy, running into douchebags on a regular basis. As such, dude, your perspective may be askew. We need not meet these people to know they are douchebag. We encounter the spectacle and comment. Period.
.
Spikey Harry may be a regular guy , but seriously, that look is fer shit.
.
I am more saddened by finding out during my last trip to Vegas that The Tillerman closed (although I liked it there, I am just as happy woofing down at the California Club Snack Bar or The NASCAR Restaurant in the Sahara).
.
.
You’re a restaurant expert, did you like that place? What happened?

12:13 pm August, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Spikey Hair Extremus = “Hey! Hey! Look at Me! LOOK AT MEEEEE!!”
.
“Hey! Hey! Look at Me! LOOK AT MEEEEE!!” = Douchebag
.
Spikey Hair Extremus = Douchebag
.
.
.
Coathanger Abortions

12:16 pm August, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

And any chick who would use a Costco re-usable shopping bag for a purse is alright in my book.
.
.
Free samples.

12:23 pm August, 23 Louise said...

@Choad, I’m gonna have to agree with the gang on this one. Bling, hand signals, cameras, every pic cheesy grin and chest reveal…douche is trying too hard and clearly can’t get by on personality alone so he had to have a “thing”. For some people its a tattoo of a boot on your torso, for this exploding rectal polyp, its a pin cushion head. Obviously he didn’t get enough attention as a child and we are paying the price. Thanks society’s negligent parents! I owe you a memo or two for having to deal with your shitty kids.

12:25 pm August, 23 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Yes, the spikey hair-do is merely the tip of the iceberg. I fear that floating beneath the water is much deeper water and vinegar filled ocean of ineptness, insecurity, and approval seeking. I bet (judging on the 2 picture taking devices aside from the one taking this photo) that he is all about facebook friends and projecting an image of a grandiose life. With that hairstyle, there is no way this guy gets taken seriously, no way he gets promoted to assistant manager at the Apple store, and no way that he deserves any sort of respect, especially not from a site like this. Some may look at his compnay in this pic and see an average chick, but the reality is, she is higher above average than he is, she just doesn’t disguise it with Axe Pomade and a chest wax.

12:37 pm August, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Choad
.
Regarding your request for us to be nice to your friend I comply buy stating the following.
.
If she has decent hygeine I would ass-fuck her from the side while fingering her gingerly. And by gingerly, I mean rough.
.
You are welcome

12:40 pm August, 23 Astylos of Scroton said...

Hear hear!

12:41 pm August, 23 Douchie Arnaz said...

@Rev: at least you have the goddamn common courtesy to give her a reacharound.

12:50 pm August, 23 Et Tu Douche? said...

Rev Chad is my hero!!!!

12:51 pm August, 23 creature said...

only use for this urchin is to pop beachballs at Dodger games

12:53 pm August, 23 creature said...

…btw, she’s cute, I could use her as a sex toilet

12:55 pm August, 23 hermit android thumbs said...

@Choad the Douche Sprocket,
.
I always treat those pictured on this site with the utmost respect and courtesy. Your friend/colleague appears to be a pleasant and attractive young lady.
.
I would however, question her choice of dinner dates.

1:02 pm August, 23 Et Tu Douche? said...

In case any of you are wondering about the effects of today’s earthquake here is some startling footage of the damage in the DC area. Thank goodness I don’t live in DC.
http://jmckinley.posterous.com/dc-earthquake-devastation

1:02 pm August, 23 Louise said...

RevChads “thing” appears to be anal sex. No seriously, I think he really loves it.
.
@Hermit, now there’s a true scholar and gentleman.

1:15 pm August, 23 creature said...

^thinly disguised DC

1:15 pm August, 23 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Choad, if you don’t mind me saying, I think its best not to acknowledge that you know any of the douches and / or hot chicks in the posted pics as it often drags one into the ring of mock and ridicule.

1:16 pm August, 23 hermit android thumbs said...

@Rev Chad,
.
Where exactly is the “gingerly” located?
.
Is it as difficult to find as the clitoris?

1:22 pm August, 23 Louise said...

@creature, I guess that’s better than fattily disguised. Thanks Mr. Social Security Pension. You’re alright for having one foot in the grave.

1:32 pm August, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Hermit
.
I think it is somewhere between the parsley and the cinnamony. Then again with Rev Chad it’s probably between the vicodanny and the doobies.

1:38 pm August, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Louise
.
The Mrs. had a terribly prolapsed rectum during the natural delivery of my second rotten daughter.
.
When the doctor summoned me to look at the head crowning I though at first I was the father of a 2 pound hemorroid. He realized I was freaking. He also realized that I was quite drunk. The doctor said, “No the one with the silky mucous covered head.” To my relief.
.
After that event I have been facinated and repulsed by the prolapse pictures and videos and the interwhebs. In fact, I dream of prolapse in surreal colors. The Mrs. and I used to have quite a diverse sex life, but the post-natal anal pain has taken those anal adventures away except when I go to whores.

1:41 pm August, 23 Stephanie said...

This pufferfish is posted way too much on here,next.

1:43 pm August, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

She keeps her gingerly in her Costco bag. Right next to the 100-count box of Cotex she got for $2.99 and the 25 sticky toothpicks she collected from all of those smoke sausage samples she kept going back for again and again. “Can I get one for my brother?”
.
Pfft. Your brother doesn’t eat sausage. That you know of.
.
Your date? That’s another story entirely.

1:44 pm August, 23 creature said...

It’s talking again

1:45 pm August, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@The Rev^
.
Does everyone still refer to your daughter as “The one with the silky mucous covered head?” ‘Cuz if they do that’s both sad and erotic at the same time.
.
Shower caps.

2:00 pm August, 23 The Yellow Dart said...

Choad:

I empathize with your dilemma, as I too have encountered many of the Windowdressed Douche. It does cause an internal rift between one’s allegiance to the Mock and the connection a person makes with those who are likeable.

But therein lies the mission — for were Spiky here to be commendable without his obvious need for spectacle, there would be no dilemma, no struggle within. But it is this need, this desire for spectacle which gives him his brand, and for that there should never, ever be hesitation.

So to put it esoterically, no, spiky hair is not autodouche — but the psychology behind it is unquestionably autodouche.

Or to put it another way, it may not walk like a duck or quack like a duck, but if it has spiky feathers and a gigantic watch — it’s a goddamn Douchebag Duck.

2:05 pm August, 23 Louise said...

@Rev, that is a shame. Sounds like kids ruin everything huh?
.
@creature, that’s all you got? Shit, my grandma had better comebacks when she was your age. And we still put her in the home.

2:13 pm August, 23 boone doggle said...

@ Choadster

Friends don’t post friends. I’m just saying.

2:40 pm August, 23 creature said...

Louise, Maria, ND, etal…at best you are irritating, worse painfully unfunny. perhaps you should find another place to hone your butter knife wit…now git along lil’ dogie

2:53 pm August, 23 schlicht bindenburger said...

@ choad… do we have to get together and have us an intervention?

2:54 pm August, 23 Anonymous said...

There, that’s a good boy.

3:54 pm August, 23 hermit android thumbs said...

Nothing says “I love you,” like stuffing her prolapsed rectum back up in there with a broom handle.
.
Like a Civil War cannoneer loading a field artillery piece at Sharpsburg.
.
.
.
.
Confederates

5:43 pm August, 23 Hurl Scheibe said...

So Let It Be Written, So Let It Be Done is code for “Fuck yeah. You’re a douche.”

7:55 pm August, 23 Steve L. said...

bringing out Prickles just to make a point about spiky hair autodouche? that’s heavy handed, man.
.
we should be even heavier than that.

7:56 pm August, 23 Steve L. said...

tasteful Lisa has a bright and advancement-free career as a secretary.

9:04 pm August, 23 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Thanks to all for the guidance and the (mostly) respectful mock.
.
BTW: Spiky Henry ain’t no friend of the Choadster….just someone who seems to be popping up all over town (and in more than a few restaurant environs)….with the same lame do and a certain ‘tude….which is generally friendly if a bit forced.
.
.Being an avowed heterosexual….(at least that’s what I tell my parole officer)….I thought it easier to take this snap by getting my attractive female friend to pose with him. To do otherwise might have forced me into the picture which would have resulted in even more ridicule,
.
. In other words, let no guilt by association stand between Henry and either the hott or yours truly.
.
.
.It was an honest question….and aside from learning about prolapsed rectums and ginger’d labia, we learned a lot.
.
.PS: @Vin Douchal – the Tillerman’s passing was mourned by many last year, but its unchanged 1970’s decor and dated menu finally caught up with it. Till its dying day, though, it remained a reliable place to pick up the sort of rode-hard-and-put-up-wet chicks that @Rev Chad seems to enjoy.
.
.
.Tell me what you eat and I shall tell you what you are. – Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

9:58 pm August, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I eat pussies and I am an insomniac.

10:26 pm August, 23 Whoop-di-douche said...

Anybody running ’round with a scalp that looks like a toothpick factory deserves a double douse dose of douche-mock.
And any hott that hangs with ‘im deserves to have her boobles burst with said pointy prickin’ picks.
That is all.

10:32 pm August, 23 Whoop-di-douche said...

Rev Chad could write a whole sermon on the topic of autodouche and anal.
Something about seminary requirements got him through the first time.

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