Friday, August 5, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links

As this Friday afternoon of hazy Los Angeles flop sweat and fancy cars without licence plates driving on Ventura fades to dusk, I contemplate this image of unholy culture pooper.

The notion of a Vegas lady’s crotch as a credit card, usually a metaphor for the societal exchange of beauty as currency, is here writ literal.

Mona’s rendering of Explicit Credit Card Crotch, as she helps Bartender Generica Aspiring D.J. #561 smoke his cig, speaks of a market system inscribed as corporeal totem.

The currency of our bodies. Reflected back to us through the value system of mass media. A culture industry of exchange with the fear of aging and decay underlying the purchasing power manipulation. So wrong. So very wrong.

Won’t somebody think of the alpacas?

And so I sip my ‘Train. And imagine boobies of pure joy. In a world without commerce.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD British Comedy Box Set of the Week: “You weren’t ill, you just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green! I knew it was a hoax because the paint washed off when that enema backfired.”

Summer’s Eve is taking their talking vagina on a roadshow tour like early Al Jolson.

Heidi and Spencer are broke and living with their parents. In a related story, who are Heidi and Spencer again?

A genius t-shirt deconstructs douche-wear.

High School students in Minnesota hold “Wigger Wednesday.” Black students not amused.

Hipsters With Too Much Time on their Hands.

I’m convinced the X-Games are avant-garde absurdist theater critiquing a generation in existential crisis. There’s no rational way people are interested in this idiocy.

You thought authentic douchebags were on the decline? Not at all. Here’s a Douchebag on Facebook.

The sharp research reporters at the Village Voice are shocked to discover Snooki was on a reality show before The Jersey Shore.

Speaking of MTV, the greatest network of the 1980s began broadcasting 30 years ago this week. As the single televisual event that defined by childhood, and then gave me my TV break as an adult, I will always be grateful. For launching Spencer and Heidi, and all those celebrated pregnant teens, not so much.

And according to website The Big Lead, my show Is She Really Going Out With Him? was one of the top 30 MTV moments of the past 30 years. Nice!

But you are not here for nostalgic MTV. You are here for Pear.

First up:

YouTube Isla Fisher Pear

Quality petite foreign suckle thigh. But if that is not enough, reader Vin Douchal offers us his own personal Pear ‘tag:

Estonian Beach Pear

And if that’s not enough, have some:

Doe Eyed Shypear

We sail tonight. And we sail together. Onward. Onward. Until the sky turns red with morning hope.

# posted by douchebag1
12:51 pm August, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I like that choker and pole pretend exercise stare at her butt game.

12:56 pm August, 5 Hurl Scheibe said...

Borat a like when she is tight – like a man’s anoos.

12:58 pm August, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I approve of Estonian Beach Pear. Though it does look a bit like someone rushed the shot as they tried to convince onlookers that it’s complete coincidence that he choose that exact spot to stop and order a pizza while surreptitiously pointing his ear, and his iphone, at some hottie’s ass.

1:06 pm August, 5 scrotelakecity said...

‘bag from the motherland

i feel nothing but shame

1:11 pm August, 5 Vin Douchal said...

Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk nonchalantly down a beach, carrying a cooler, a beach chair, beach bag and cellie while pretending to snap a photo of the boy only to get a semi-out -of-frame shot of the nicest ass on the beach without looking at the viewfinder? Or having the gorilla next to her see me and starting shit?
.
I should have ran some video of her strolling to the water’s edge with that caboose wagging. It was awesome.
.
.
.
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Lynchpins

1:13 pm August, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmmmm!!!!!! Doe Eyed Shypear

1:14 pm August, 5 Vin Douchal said...

RE: Photo above
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Her room key is in her bikini bottom. Her lighter and smokes are in her cooch

1:25 pm August, 5 oem software download said...

Hi,thanks for the vast status of your blog, each outmoded i total here, i m amazed.

1:46 pm August, 5 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Great shot of Bobby Boobibelli with his top-shelf bleeth. Say what you will about his physique – which is built for a tank top, not shirtless poolside – but he can pull quality tail. Mona is all about guys with arm and deltoid development, not caring much for the torso region, while her middrift is HOH material thanks to years of cocaine, vodka and anorexic tendencies. She also insists on payment in advance for her services.

2:04 pm August, 5 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

X Games will always be watchable due to the potential of seeing some tattooed, fauhawked putz in a hideous t-shirt getting to meet Darwin in person.

2:26 pm August, 5 Chumanominom said...

“Im’ Chodie Murphy, Hold My Smoke Bitch”

3:02 pm August, 5 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

He’s got a clutch of food stamps and a Diners Club with the magnetic strip worn out down the front of his swimsuit. Don’t ask me how I know, I just know.
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Highlights of Women’s Moto X? Nobody should be competing in the X Games and the only highlights of women’s sports I want to see are Russian tennis “stars” in their short skirts and sweaty trunks. What?
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And congrats on the “Top 30” recognition for ISRGOWH. Of course, thats akin to being ranked among the top serial killers of all time or the 100 songs you should never play on the guitar at a guitar shop, but a win is a win is a win, am I right?
.

3:05 pm August, 5 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Nice beach pear tag, Vin. But how did you explain the large wet spot in your trunks when you’d only just got to the beach?

3:07 pm August, 5 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Antonio Banderas sure could pull some BLEEAACH!

3:38 pm August, 5 Mr. White said...

Isn’t Doe-Eyed Pear Miranda Kerr? Not that there’s anything wrong with pro pear.

4:14 pm August, 5 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Somethin’ ’bout Bartender Generica’s arm says “Millipede.” Or “centipede.” You choose.

Somethin’ ’bout Mona’s Explicit Credit Card Crotch says “Slip somethin’ in me slot.”

4:14 pm August, 5 Mr. Biggs said...

Pear is bony and flat, douches are depressing and old, but good expose of the credit card crotch.

4:17 pm August, 5 Foucault's Pendulum said...

Deconstructed tee-shirt: English majors, 1: Art majors, 0.

4:19 pm August, 5 Peruvian Herdsman said...

Think of the children! And send my alpacas and llamas home. Pronto.
Senor.

4:27 pm August, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

Heidi Montag’s missed business ops:

a) Montauk, er Montag Monstress
b) Heidi’s Swiss Miss Goat Milk Soaps
c) monsTAG-Heur timepieces and pube studs
d) Star at CottonClubLA singing “Heidi-Heidi-Ho”

4:54 pm August, 5 Guid is Good said...

Is this Down Under Pear Week? Isla and Miranda – Aussie Aussie Assie Oi Oi Oi.

5:01 pm August, 5 douche equis said...

Is that Mr. Liptatt’s Holly again? Or do I just her everywhere I look?

5:02 pm August, 5 Ted Brogan said...

I don’t know what that Isla video was about. But I like it.

5:06 pm August, 5 Resident Genius said...

I just thought of something, A literal douchebag gets serious one on one time with vaginas. No wonder these guys don’t care if you call them that. I’ve been wasting my time this entire time. Well, at least I met some pretty funny people on here. Happy Friday y’all.

5:09 pm August, 5 douche equis said...

I said: “Is that Mr. Liptatt’s Holly again? Or do I just her everywhere I look?”

Listen, when I’m mesmerized by a lovely tanned stomach, verbs just don’t seem that important.

5:14 pm August, 5 Resident Genius said...

@douche equis, its definitely her. She is lookin’ good son. Add this pic to your preexisting collage. Definitely her.

5:19 pm August, 5 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

Wait, that WAS NOT enough Pear!
.
Please Sir, may I have some more Pear?
.
All Hail the V!!

5:33 pm August, 5 Douchble Helix said...

Greatest. Friday. Links. Ever.

5:48 pm August, 5 Resident Genius said...

@Douchble Helix, to the HOH with these Friday Links then I suppose.

5:48 pm August, 5 skrag2112 said...

Can’t say I feel sorry for Heidi and Spencer. Two insta-celebraties who burned through their fame and money as quick as possible. I won’t be surprised to see either of them working at WalMart in the future.
MTV was good for its first 10 years. But how it went from its original concept to the epicenter of cutural dross is a sad, sad story.

8:13 pm August, 5 Douchie Arnaz said...

Let me get this straight: you’re basically responsible for “Snooki” infesting popular culture? Good luck sleeping at night.

8:13 pm August, 5 Hermit said...

Estonia Beach Pear looks like a body that washed up on shore from a Russian freighter where she worked as a lounge singer, then was strangled with a length telephone chord and subsequently stabbed with a sharp line of reasoning. Remember telephone chord? Remember Marylin Monroe? Remember the Alamo?
Marilyn Monroe had low slung turquoise breasts and smoked Pall Malls through her vagina, which gave her that raspy voice. She had some of JFK’s seminal fluid lodged in her larynx at the time of her alien autopsy, but the results were hidden from the public until that whole thing with Boris Yeltsin and Debbie Harry became public.
But you just have to remember, no matter how bad things get, it could be worse if you have diarrhea.

.
..

….
Kaopectate® Swillers

8:14 pm August, 5 Douchie Arnaz said...

Oh, and nice moobs, shitlog of Deano still floating in a Vegas pool.

8:30 pm August, 5 Resident Genius said...

Well there is funny people and then there is Hermit, who is balls out hilarious. I never knew Debbie and Boris had a thing. I wonder if Heart of Glass was about him.

8:39 pm August, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^I don’t always have diarrhea. But when I have diarrhea I choose Imodium.
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I have the most interesting anal fissure in the world.
.
On a similar note. You know how things are usually disappointing? Like they don’t match the scenarios running through your head before they don’t happen. Well that didn’t happen to me when I met up with my college roomates this week and their wives and kids at a cottage. They reminded me of what an absolute asshole maniac I was when I was 21.
.
Fratboys

11:55 pm August, 5 Baron Von Goolo said...

On the one hand, it’s charming that Is She Really Going Out With Him? got a shout out for adding momentum to the cultural juggernaut-slash-vortex that is MTV.
.
On the other hand, the article ignores the genius of REMOTE CONTROL and Liquid Television while touting the virtues of Date My Mom, a “reality” show so brazenly bogged in a scripted Sarlac pit of sexual puns that it makes Hee-Haw look like The West Wing.
.
Point being, it was nice of Big Lead to blow you a kiss, but you might want to leave that one off your resumé.

12:51 am August, 6 schlicht bindenburger said...

butter nipples and an carl kolshak hat….turdly macturderson takes a break from life. then starts bugling!

9:59 am August, 6 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

The traditional notion that “every picture tells a story” is amplified a million times by this photo (miss credit card crotch and the smoking ‘Bag with the Bing Crosby hat). Whole volumes could be written about the un-nuanced, explicit signals in this photo…perhaps libraries filled with the thousands of volumes that Freud, Voltaire, Nietzsche, Kirkegaard or any of their intellectual progeny could pen dissecting this train wreck of human dimensions gone wrong. I find myself staring at this with the same riveting fascination and embarassment of one who cannot take his eyes off of the aftermath of a gory car accident. Indeed the metaphor of the Vegas crotch as a credit card receptacle has been shattered…by placement of a credit card in the Vegas crotch. You cannot stage this stuff. Life in the seamy underbelly of le mondu des douchebags is full of all kinds of things about which your mother never warned you, which you never saw in Alfred Hitchcock movies, and which your exposure to new and exotic facets of contemporary culture could never have prepared you to contemplate if not visually confronted with its shocking depravity. Oy vey!

11:49 am August, 6 Wheezer said...

The Boss said, “You thought authentic douchebags were on the decline? Not at all. Here’s a Douchebag on Facebook.
.
Holy crap, here’s another one!”

2:09 pm August, 6 Douchble Helix said...

Resident Genius, you want a piece of me?
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Holly? In the pic above? No way!

2:23 pm August, 6 Resident Genius said...

@Douchble Helix, I’ve wanted a piece of you since Day 1.
.
.
.
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Girl in th pic above for HOH.

3:11 pm August, 6 idfma said...

In related, much more depressing news, I just saw this headline:
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http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=662988&gt1=28103
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I’ve said it before, DB1, I love you man, but Snooki? SNOOKI!!?!!?!? Oh well, on the bright side, I’m one of the advocates for accelerating the demise of the species, since it is what we so richly deserve. (Shovel some coal into the Machine, Hermit).
.
That’s mostly because I’m really petty and that will be kind of the ultimate ‘I told you so’. Sigh. I told you so’s–they never accomplish anything, right? So, when the world is being engulfed in the toxic flames of righteousness, with a blizzard of ash and shrapnel swirling everywhere, Snooki will just be one large piece of dangerous debris.

3:12 pm August, 6 idfma said...

Did anyone else get a 5 out of 5 on the V quiz? Now, if only I could get close enough to a real one to apply all that knowledge.

3:23 pm August, 6 Stephanie said...

Skin cancer is all we can hope for these two.

4:34 pm August, 6 Douchble Helix said...

@Resident Genius – Fear the leisure suit!!

and

HoH is one thing. Holly, quite another.

4:36 pm August, 6 Douchble Helix said...

… but the ‘bag could be Mr. Liptatt in a generic way of looking at things.

10:24 am August, 7 creature said...

gotta love advancing technology….hookers who’s slots double as an ATM, brilliant!

7:28 am August, 8 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

That’s not Liptatt’s Holly. You want her to be Holly. You need her to be Holly. You beg and plead for her to be Holly. But she is no Holly.

8:17 am August, 13 Jerlene Alvey said...

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