Friday, August 12, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links

Vegas pools.

Spawning stupid hats since 2007.

For in the land of excess, in a country hit so hard by the economic realities brought about by a decade of douchebag culture’s narcissism, greed, and self indulgence, the metaphor of the pool offers notions of baptism, journey and cleansing of the sins of the skin.

And they also look all badass when lit up with blue light.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Box Set Pick of the Week: “Smoking marijuana, eating Cheese Doodles, and masturbating do not constitute ‘plans’ in my book!”

From the Nature V. Nurture debate: Sexually extravagant male birds get old faster and have bum sperm. Like Roy Batty taught us, the candle that burns twice as bright, burns twice as fast.

For those who still haven’t heard, the news about HCwDB legend and fist pumping Mecha Hineyho, aka “Zyzz” is true. Australia’s legend passed away last week in a sauna in Thailand.

Hipster Band in NYC sings an ode to Internet Comment Feedback.</p?

Here’s your Bleeth of the Year winner. Way to go, England. So much for the land of Shakespeare and Doctor Who to save us from the Douche/Bleeth Plague.

Brighton Beach Douchebags.

Best. Wedding. Ever.

Annoying Nerdbag headlocks his date at Coldplay concert. You had douchebag at “Coldplay Concert.”

HCwDB’s long time ‘bag hunter and writer/producer guy douche equis is pleased to announce a Black Dynamite animated series on Adult Swim. Checkitout.

Shaved alpaca. What next? Alpacas in low rise jeans? Is there no modesty these days?

But you are not here to laugh at idiots who waste money on Coldplay concerts and lust after shaved alpaca. You are here for Pear. And today we enjoy a slice of real world Pear, no airbrush or fancy photography tricks:

Bleacher Pear

Just two mounds of gnaw punch slappy slap Venician glass canal Italian pimento chomp.

Enjoy.

For Friday > Thursday.

# posted by douchebag1
1:00 pm August, 12 WillieHorton said...

Wow, Zyzz is dead, wow.

I fee surprisingly sad for some reason. I loved the douchiness material he provided. 22 is way too young to go, even if you are a ‘roided douche.

1:02 pm August, 12 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

FYI: Encore Beach Club at Wynn/Encore reported $8mil in revenue for the second quarter of 2011. That’s 2/3rds of all Food and Beverage revenue for the entire Wynn/Encore Hotel complex.
.
.Where all these douchebags come from…and how they continue to have/spend outrageous sums for overpriced booze escapes me…but day/nightclubs is where a huge amount of $$$s are being spent.
.
.
So the douchebag/Bleeth dichotomy remains extant….after 5 years of steady, relentless societal mock….started thanks to DB1.
.
.Methinks it’s gone mainstream….and by “mainstream” I mean into the cesspool of middle Amurica…where every fratbag and farmboy thinks he’s discovered something cool, five years after the societal virus started.
.
.We have to fight harder ‘baghunters…and mock more. Do not relax your guard, do not fall asleep on your watch.
.
.
.Put down the pipe @Rev Chad; kick the habit @Dark Sock; man the vestments @Medusa Oblangata! Put down those soft, flowered, Size 2, slightly scented, American Apparel cotton panties @Hermit. Your troops need you!

1:03 pm August, 12 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Fuccing typing…..Encore reported 80 MILLION DOLLARS IN REVENUE….NOT 8!

tYPINg wiTh the ShAKeS nver wuz a good idea.

1:23 pm August, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmmmmm Bleacher Pear, I would love to drizzle said pear in Balsamic Vinaigrette and the coat lightly with some brown sugar and then grill on low indirect heat on my Weber until slightly glazed. Man I getting hungry.

1:26 pm August, 12 my friends call me @$$hole said...

uhm, dying on in a sauna from either an “undiagnosed heart condition” or the seemingly much more plausible “steroid abuse” gets Mecha an auto to the Hall, Right? sorry, is it too soon to laugh?

1:27 pm August, 12 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

Remember when we built the Pyramids? You know about those, right? How about when we went to the moon, do you remember that? The Renaissance, Industrial Revolution, Voyager, the fucking Magna Carta? That’s the thing that bugs me the most, as a species we’re capable of all this insane brilliant stuff, and yet we settle for this bullshit. I think I’m gonna go stick my head in the oven now.

1:32 pm August, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I propose a Cunt of the Week contest…This week it’s Sarah Burge with the escort/model Karen a close runner up.

1:48 pm August, 12 Whoop-di-douche said...

In their corporate desire to look even hipper than the Martha Stewart brand they corralled, K-Mart markets the Blue-Light Special more aggressively than ever, which might get them into a sizzle if they ever had their Reddy Kilowatt knockoff fall into blue-lit pools for sale in summer yard accessories.

1:54 pm August, 12 Whoop-di-douche said...

Those habanera bastards lose their potency after one peppery, bad-ass bite…….as do those hoo-boy buzzards after gulp-down.

2:01 pm August, 12 Wheezer said...

If Bleacher Pear is at Wrigley Field, it might be worth a few bucks to attend a game at that douche-plagued dump of a ballpark. Good LORD but her cute buns need to be lightly spanked!

2:01 pm August, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Zyzz… few have worked so aggressively to prove the validity of natural selection. He roided his testes into submission, but as if that were not enough, he and his roid ravaged heart climbed into a sauna. In summertime. In Thailand. May we never know what else was going on in that Sauna.
.
And so the sun rises in the east, the earth spins under the stars, and one more genetic abhorrence is removed from the gene pool without reproducing. Rest aesthetically, Zyzz. And we’ll hope that you and Chestbrah are soon united.

2:05 pm August, 12 Whoop-di-douche said...

Hmmmm…I think I just saw Bleacher Pear stocking Bartlett pears in the local produce department at Ralph’s.
Which reminds me, I need to get some Brie and table-water crackers for this evening…

2:07 pm August, 12 schlicht bindenburger said...

its mike stipe!

2:19 pm August, 12 Tara Missyou said...

How dare you McCrudeshoes. Chestbrah 4-Evah! No homo.

2:22 pm August, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

I never knew you thought of douchebags as twice as bright as ordinary humans. I just thought they were douchey – you know, tainty, in the dark, like where douche goes? In other words, please don’t compare them to Jack London: “I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. “

2:26 pm August, 12 Army of Douche-ness said...

I feel bad for Zyzz…his photos from several years ago where he’s all skinny look like my photos from the same age and i can tell you that we’re both incredibly isnecure and chose to act on those insecurities in different ways to cope

I’ve never “enjoyed” being nearly as big or ripped or as “aesthetic: but have done just fine, have made it to almost 30, had a lot ofg reat experiences between 22 and now and am still healthy and happy and looking forward to more. I wish someone would habve told him there are better ways…

Im tempted to judge the jewish douche and make all kinds of comments but i think it’s the natural male drive for sex with many women that leads us to automatically pity any woman being “poorly” treated and try to be her hero and take her away. The fact is, any guy , ourselves included, can be caught at a moment with a long term girlfriend saying mean things and seem like a real asshole but if you actually knew all the shit she pulled as your gf, you’d be doing the same… we dont know what kinda retarded things shes said or done even when he’s being nice but i can imagine we’ve all been there where we were being the ass and obviously at that moment we didnt think we needed to relent.

Army of Douche-ness

2:40 pm August, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

Oh, and I saw that Black Dynamite episode at the Comic-Con panel. Good stuff, but just one too many levels of irony for my tastes. No matter how you react you raise racist suspicions.

2:41 pm August, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Let’s face it, ya need distractions. There’s some good ones like playing a musical instrument, moderate excercise, family get togethers, the sport / musical concert / restaurant / artistic diversion you prefer but seriously, when the diversions become changing your body tone ( to extreme) , tattooing ( to extreme) , tanning (to extreme) and pretty much needing a group of other idiots as moronic as you to skip around to shitty electronic thumping and screaming for hours while taking dangerous unregulated drugs I gots one word for you: Thai Sauna
.
Zyzz was murdered. No other explanation. Someone locked the door from the outside and left him there to shrivel up and since he has no fat to sweat off until he either figured a way out (unlikely, when you think about it) or passed out and died .
.
4chan needs to investigate. The Thai government needs to investigate . Stackhouse needs to go to Thailand and take a sauna bath. Where’s Geraldo RIvera? Stossell? Mike Wallace?

2:42 pm August, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Good riddance Zyzz. Darwin smiles a knowing smile from purgatory which you will go past to the level of Hell where the vain and the flatterers reside.The douche was strong in that one. Bleacher pear looks untouched like a ripe fruit from a forbidden tree.
.
On an unrelated note, rotten daughter #1 won the city breaststroke and freestyle competition today and helped her team to two thirds with her backstroke. If she stays in the pool the worst that can happen is lifeguard douche, but all those dudes are kind of like that anyway.
.
Cunts

2:50 pm August, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

Oh man, that is quality bubblicious chewable uber-gnaw pear. Thanks for making my week DB1. I think I need to keep an archive of best-of-pear. I already have Bicycle Repear ready to go on my desktop.

2:52 pm August, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

Vin, I absolutely agree. I suspect foul play. I expect nothing less than Anderson Cooper personally going over there and giving us a full two hour documentary on Thai bathhouse culture and its seamy underground.

3:10 pm August, 12 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Ummm, Bleacher Pear. Slathered in mustard. Tasty!

3:11 pm August, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Vin and Mr. Biggs^
.
I suspect DB1’s secret Ninja Alpaca hit squad tracked Zyzz down in Thailand, cruched a testicle full of sleeping powder in his face, and then slipped him into the sauna. That’ll teach him and anyone else not to f*ck with the HCwDB website. F*ckers.
.
And I don’t know what a WAG is, but I suspect if Sarah Burge is one, then it must mean Ignorant Ass Eating Slut. How it translates into WAG, I’ll never know, but those Brits are wierd anyhow. I pitty her daughter. I hear last year her mom got her some anal bleaching sessions. It was either that or vagina reconstruction but please, what five-year-old girl wouldn’t want a pink starfish?
.
Back in the day Cyndi Lauper extolled “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.” Times have indeed changed. Now they just want to be repulsive bitches.
.
.
plastic queefs.

3:18 pm August, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Ernie and Bert aren’t fucking gay ayight!
.
Puppets

3:25 pm August, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

This guys dead too.
.

3:34 pm August, 12 Miss Tina Marie Anal said...

RIP Zyzz. You were my kind of man.

4:31 pm August, 12 Hermit said...

“Thailand is a country with it all … girls, steroids, growth hormone, it’s all here and it’s all cheap. I spoke to him the other day and he looked like a kid in a candy shop,” Sharky said.
.
How about some decency and respect for humanity, Sharky?
.

Thailand is a place where wealthy, cowardly perverts go to have sex with children without fear of legal ramifications. Sex slaves and hemophiliacs are herded into separate vestibules to be flagellated with iron whips and dog chains, the human condition reduced to it‘s lowest common denominator. Depravity is accepted and deviance a sought-after intoxicant, the profit of such turpitude; a few greasy Amërïkän dollars or a handful of soiled Euros. The innocent children of whores are relegated to the status of sex toys, never feeling the warmth and nourishment of Mother’s breast milk nor a measure of human kindness.
The Machine lurks in the shadows of darkened alleyways among the urine and empty bottles of Asian swill, and licks it’s lips with delight.
.
Zyss, I got no beef with you dude. I don’t know what you were doing in Thailand, none of my business, but you reap what you sow brah. You just got bitch slapped by The Machine.
.
R.I.P.

4:38 pm August, 12 schlicht bindenburger said...

well said hermit, huzzah!

4:39 pm August, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Some punny person is named for my favorite Wop dessert.
.
Anyway, I’m taking up a collection to send Stack to a 3rd world sauna. Send me your $$$.

4:49 pm August, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

Hermit strikes again.

5:04 pm August, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

That’s “Venetian”, Boss. Mr. Biscotti won’t stop cock-slapping me until I point that out to you. Not that I’m complaining, he just keeps getting too near my eye.
.
RE: Best wedding ever: Awesome bride for laughing. Too bad for the groom, though. He’s going to have to contend with those cunty friends of hers for a long, long time. Speaking of cunts….I second Douchey Wallnuts’ motion of a Cunt Of The Week contest. Would that only apply to cunts who appear on the site, or cunts from all over the world? PS Sarah Burge, Lady Gaga isn’t a WAG. She made her own money. Doing what, I don’t know, but it has something to do with wearing a meat dress.
.
@ Choad–Sorry, I was making a ski mask out of them.
.
Let Zzyzz’s death be a lesson to us all….physical fitness doesn’t pay. Gravy milkshake, anyone?

5:35 pm August, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I don’t think we are too gentile a group to have a cunt of the week. It would evolve into cunt of the year. Hall of cunt and expand the followers of the site to something not as pedestrian and high-brow as we have been aspiring to. I nominate Oprah and her big beefy chicken dumpling flavored meat curtain collard green hiding vagina for cunt of all time cause I hear she is going to start her show again on her own network. And that will keep the womens from staying in their place for another twenty years. (present company excepted.)
.
Misogynists

5:37 pm August, 12 Doucheywallnuts said...

This thread has revealed a few interesting facts, or not:
1) the Rev Chad is a dad of a talented swimmer
2) Thailand is a place where you can bang a minor but get caned for spitting chewing gum onto the sidewalk
3) I forgot; too much Makers Mark
4) Watching preseason NFL football is like watching old people screw
5) bleacher pear could rule the world if she could figure out how to implement the necessary austerity programs in Europe.

6:29 pm August, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Mr.Wallnuts is correct except for one fact. And it’s not the fact that I walked directly from the KC-Tampa game to computer. Caning and spitting shit is in Singapore.
.
Exhibitionists

6:33 pm August, 12 Tara Missyou said...

@McCrudeshoes 4:39pm How much do you need? I’m down for paying for a round trip ticket so he thinks he coming back. And I hate spending my own money on douchebags!

7:16 pm August, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Miss Dago Dessert,
Well, my laptop is f-ed and Dell is pretending it isn’t covered. About $2,000 should to do it. For Stack, I mean. He should fly first class. I’m thinking a Sauna/Hot-tub and all you can eat steroid bar in Manilla. Thais ain’t got nothing on Filipinos when it comes to squalor and desperation induced prostitution.

7:32 pm August, 12 Stephanie said...

Hell, I could set up a simmering hot oil pot er..I mean hot tub for Stackhouse and he can just come on over for free…no need to fly to some shit country where they make paper lanterns.

7:38 pm August, 12 Hermit said...

“……collard green hiding vagina” FTW.
.
Sweet dreams,
.
.
.
Heathens.

7:47 pm August, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Stephanie,
Can you honestly say that Zyzz’s story would be as interesting is he died in an Cleveland, OH sauna? I think Stack needs an exist consistent with his legacy. And McCrude needs to skim enough to fix his laptop. But your idea has merit. How about you boil the King of Sears in you back yard oil caldron? Seems right for his particular idiom.

7:59 pm August, 12 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Oh dear, I am of two minds here. On the one hand, my better faculties compel me to be honourable in Zyzz’s passing as to distinguish myself from the incestuous, primordial mulch who spew forth their inexplicable zealotry towards somebody like Zyzz as if though he was somehow revolutionary and assert that anyone daring to question were the real cancers. News Flash idiots, it only inspired you to rationalize your propensity for anonymous homoerotic voyeurism; you just happen to run and lift a little bit now, but when you say, I don’t know, have to contribute actually to society, make a living, and raise children, that you were able to be swole in freshman college is not going to help you. In fact, the turd of abject narcissism you shamelessly embraced while wrapping it in a nutty covering of “personal power and self-development” will most likely make you emotionally stunted and render you incapable of making hard choices, especially when those choices would invariably be at the cost of “achieving aesthetics.” Here is a little thought experiment: Walk around your suburban neighbourhood and survey the middle-aged fathers who used to be “jocks.” Now, take a look at them now. 50% still maintain themselves? 20%?10%? I bet it is more like 0.5%. If you still haven’t figured out why, please do not have children and thank you for bankrupting social security in the future.
.
Thus, on the other hand, I feel compelled to engage in as much schadenfreude as my bottles of Weisse Bier can allow. However, alas, it is not so much Zyzz himself that was the major problem, it was the symbol of him, a symbol constantly rubbed and massaged by his half-educated, emotionally crippled followers. And you know what? Zyzz’s death is tragic because it avoids having to confront the actual challenges of the human condition. Zyzz passes from this world with his image largely immortalized. In effect, he will be martyred. Had he lived a long life, he would have had to develop circumspection and deal with and become accountable for the decisions of this youth as he slid further into obscurity only to reemerge as a sobering caution to short-sightedness. His death will not be interpreted as a cautionary tale; it will be interpreted as perverse validation of the tenets of living he supposedly represented. But then again, a mind so malleable as to accept gleefully contradictions and tautologies would be amenable to such a warrantless lionizing of him.
.
And sauna? In Thailand? In the freakin’ summer? Were Australian saunas not good enough? 17 degrees centigrade too cold after a being in the sauna? Zyzz’s ego-centric zeal prompted him to go to a nation in which some of the most dark and depraved manifestations of the ego reside. If that cannot be taken as a lesson in life choice, I am going to declare that lionizing Zyzz is autodouche.
.
I am going to miss Troll Chrismas though. They might actually read something other than by Mark Rippetoe. Oh whom I kidding? Another Zyzz will come along for them to idolize
.
Jelly tots

8:01 pm August, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@McCrude
.
Fucking Dell. I bought their craziest looking laptop from about three years ago on a business line of credit with them. The screen busted for no reason. The Indian had me send a picture of it and said it was abuse. So I didn’t pay the fuckers and it doesn’t affect my credit. Assholes. Never again.

@Hermit
.
Harold and Kumar is on in 2 minutes so I gotta go get my buzz on. Meat flaps.

8:19 pm August, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Rev,
Screen for me too. Forums lead you to believe it is a known issue, but India says I can buy one… but they are out of stock.

8:20 pm August, 12 Stephanie said...

Well,yes, it’s fun and ironic to be fried in Thailand…Yes it’s far more interesting that it was Thailand,it could be a movie of the week. I’m happy,either way. I’m making a Zyzz cake and celebrating.
Brown chocolate frosting,wanna slice?

9:10 pm August, 12 schlicht bindenburger said...

@ sir dave……outstanding! someone wanted him dead. what did he know that required the long sleep? i wonder! shits comin’ down, doosh beware!

10:40 pm August, 12 creature said...

…so I’m thinking that stupid resides in the X chromosone & women get a double dose? …thoughts or ideas….talk amongst yourselves

1:55 am August, 13 tall guy said...

I’ve missed what appears (at a quick scan) to be an interesting thread. Saturday night here and I’m knackered after spending the majority of the day repairing my old Ford wagon (a work car) after a douche backed into it and then claimed he couldn’t afford to pay the $600 excess his insurance policy requires for claims. It was mainly cosmetic damage to the bonnet and grill, but more importantly he refused to take responsibility when I told him yesterday how much the repairer’s quote was preferring to take on the role of victim. And you know what this douche offered me yesterday after he simmered down a little? He offered to take me to a brothel (which is probably staffed by Asian sex slaves whose visas are confiscated upon arrival until they “work” off their “debt”). This idiot is a single dad. While I’ve decided to let off simply because I believe his 5yo son will go without in some small way if I pursue a demand for the repair of my vehicle, he’s also a former mate. And he’s also a fair-dinkum arsehole. And I’ve nothing personally against brothels in principle, I do have something against the exploitation of woman by greedy pindick pimps whose only concern for their fellow humans is to see what they can take from them. (so obviously I said “erm, no thanks, champ…”) Next time he calls – and his silence since this above exchange has been conspicuous – I’m telling him that even though we’ve had years of friendship and sharing it’s time to move on. Fuck him. I don’t need people like that in my life.
Rant over. Otherwise okay.
Enjoy your weekend, fellow ‘Bagsters.

9:15 am August, 13 Et Tu Douche? said...

FYI
.
WAG stands for “Wives And Girlfriends” usually associated with Euro soccer players
.
Good to see Hermit back, i was beginning to miss his prose.
.
ChestBrah is an idiot!!!

12:22 pm August, 13 The Thin White Douche said...

I wonder if any of Zyzz’s roided-out idiot sycophant fanboys are going to flood the site with posts defending his “healthy” lifestyle. Steroid abuse can attract countless bleethes in the short-term, but can also put you in the grave at 22. I guess if you’re too stupid and/or short-sighted to care about making any meaningful contribution to society and your only goal in life is getting cheap asspear then they just might be the right choice for you.

1:14 pm August, 13 Spaghetti-brOs said...

@Et Tu 9:15a, what was your first clue? Chest or Brah?

4:31 pm August, 13 DarkSock said...

I would eat a Payday bar out of Bleacher Pear’s butt.

4:55 pm August, 13 Face Ripper Monkey said...

I did it. I killed the one you all call Zyzz. I thought the fuccker was making fun of me but he was just “dancing” with his brahs. BTW, he didn’t taste that good and now I’m as big as a gorilla. Should I be worried?

9:52 pm August, 13 Moron. said...

Here’s what quite a few people thought when they first heard that Zyzz was dead:

10:15 pm August, 13 Guid is Good said...

What a turnaround from Australian Pear Week last week. First Zyzz eats it in a Thai sauna and I think we may be responsible for the Best. Wedding. Ever.

Sorry about that.

11:56 pm August, 13 Edith Anne Tarbox of Dripping Springs Tx said...

karen’s mom also has bum sperm.

6:56 pm August, 14 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Oh isn’t that quaint, they have release a soundtrack in memory of him . Prediction: A lot of doof, doof, doof.
.
If that is Gods’ music, it is no wonder there are atheists.

6:57 pm August, 14 Sir David Douchenborough said...

*have released, gawd, lay off the Sunday Caesars

1:53 pm August, 18 Trevon said...

Finlaly! This is just what I was looking for.

4:45 am August, 19 jorocjyxmp said...

eYxrMm bghwomjugmdy

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