Friday, August 19, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links

Oh, Skippy.

How happy you are, with your 10 Degree Yankee Hat Tilt and your awkard sideways peace sign.

You are a mere ‘bagling. And so we throw you back, even as we know you’ll eventually morph into wigga poo.

It’s Friday. And I virtually slap the bebe with a fly swatter. As another week has passed.

Here’s your links:

Your Existential, perhaps Nihilistic, HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Well, basically, there was this little dot, right? And the dot went bang and the bang expanded. Energy formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, to fish to fowl, to fowl to frog, to frog to mammal, the mammal to monkey, to monkey to man, amo amas amat, quid pro quo, memento mori, ad infinitum, sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese and leave under the grill till Doomsday”

New York Gold Diggers and aging Wall Street Assbags get organized.

The great Siskel & Ebert debate who’s funnier Woody Allen or Mel Brooks, from back in 1980. The correct answer, in terms of pure comedy, is Mel Brooks.

Here’s a rare and important posthumous video of a conversation between the late “Zyzz,” aka Mecha Hineyho, and his brother Chestbrah recorded in the days before Zyzz’s passing. An important artifact for posterity’s sake.

You mirin jaw brah?

Douchebags are so bad for branding these days that Abercrombie & Fitch offers to pay “The Situation” to stop wearing their brand.

And yet more signs we might be winning the war: A newly opened downtown L.A. club bans Ed Hardy. From the article: It’s a place where downtown’s business community, its nocturnal visitors and its residents coexist, where the atmosphere is casual and the dress code is free — with one exception. “No Ed Hardy,” Perch co-creator Coly Den Haan says with a smile, referring to the gaudy tattoo-inspired T-shirts created by Christian Audigier.

Two bros spend their Sunday morning Bollywood Style. Full nottabag passes for hilarious college buffoonery.

But you are not here for Bros.

You are here for Pear. And you’ve earned this one, named for the cinematographers in our midst:

Shallow Depth of Field Pear

Mmmm… I have flashbacks to ‘Nam. Assnam.

Go forth and imbibe. Your work is done.

# posted by douchebag1
12:47 pm August, 19 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Too late to stifle that shart she just busted….have tio be quicker on the trigger with those fingers yo!

12:48 pm August, 19 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Yeah, I’m definitely here for the pear pie. Make mine a double.

12:53 pm August, 19 Douche Wayne said...

Ahhh . . . Sofia Vergara Pear. From way back, whence the households in which she was a household name were strictly spanish-speaking households. And pubescent teen boys newly introduced to latino cable channels (not that I’m speaking from experience or anything).

She has aged like a fine wine: more robust and more expensive.

12:56 pm August, 19 Wedgie said...

She will regret allowing this photo to be taken. And sooner than later, is my guess.

1:02 pm August, 19 Wedgie said...

I will miss the narcissistic mofo Zyzzie; that fuccer was funny. Without meaning to be, which is even better.
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Where’s Dicy, you skinny faggots?

1:03 pm August, 19 DoucheyWallnuts said...

May I be the first one on this thread to say that I am so glad that Zyzz is dead. Fuccen dead.
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Draugrs

1:04 pm August, 19 I give up said...

The thing I miss about Zyzz the most is his heavily eyelinered eyes, pouty lips and cute shag cut. No homo.
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Uh yeah anyway agree with Mel Brooks being funnier. Woody Allen is a bit too whiney for my tastes. And its good to see that Gold Diggers and Wall Street OldAssBags can still find eachother during these tough economic times. Truly romantically inspiring. Obviously I’ve been on the wrong dating website and need to check out SugarDaddys.com. instead. I’m such a loser.
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And Jesus Christ Skippy get some ProActive and a better baseball team. And stop dating whores when you hit your 30’s.

1:18 pm August, 19 Hermit said...

I lost my companion of eleven years this week. In RedState, Ämërïkä we shoot our dogs when they’re a menace to livestock, are prone to biting people or are unable to continue due to age, poor health, or racked with agony. I struggled for days while she suffered, blind, confused and barely able to stand, but found I couldn‘t do it. The task was left to the local veterinary death clinic, housed in an unkempt, concrete block structure on the edge of town. The waiting room smelled of the stale Lysol used to wage a losing battle with the stench of death and sickness. The ancient linoleum floors were covered with urine and dried blood, while posters of happy kittens, playful puppies and dire warnings of heartworm infestation adorned the paint-peeling walls.
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Why is sanity so unappealing? The temptation to drift away into the ethereal mist is enticing. It could allow circumspection and deeper clarity. Abstract thought and dust mites would become visible to the naked eye. But alas, conscious thought is fleeting and dust mites head-strong and arrogant. They gather the wool from sleepless lambs and steal one’s dreams like yesterday’s expired milk.

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The Angel of Death was an elderly woman with thick glasses and a skin condition. She required the thirty five dollars up front, and went about her business with the cold, calculating efficiency of a truck stop hooker on Demerol®. It was over quickly, and the executioner wrapped my beloved’s remains in a plastic trash bag with great care and medical tape.
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I buried Cricket under the shade of a spreading maple tree facing the rising sun, her favorite toy nestled beside her.
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The heavy sword of reality falls hard on the unwise, severing joy like the merciless bolt-cutters wielded by copper thieves and bicycle junkies.
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So, I mourn alone in my darkened hovel, drunk, forlorn and heavy-hearted. Seeking atonement, but finding only anguish, acid reflux and an overdue phone bill. A solitary, semi-cosmic vagabond wandering aimlessly through space and time on a sheet of electric bubble-wrap.

1:28 pm August, 19 I give up said...

I love you Hermit. No homo. Also on ocassion I have mirin your jaw.

1:50 pm August, 19 Vin Douchal said...

@ Herm
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Had to give up my BubbaDog a while back. He was 13 1/2 years old . Some dogs “get it”. He did, he was the dog ambassador to the human race.
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Maybe little Lucciano Pizzichini will lift your spirits. He shreds. BTW, he’s nine years old in this video:
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1:55 pm August, 19 Wedgie said...

“Why is sanity so unappealing”. Hermit, you speak for us all. Why indeed. And may I say, I feel the same way about sobriety.
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Mojitos.

1:57 pm August, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Yankee hat douche is giving the “Hoboken Eye Homoerotic Hoodlums”

1:58 pm August, 19 Vin Douchal said...

The Manasquan Eye of Manlove

1:59 pm August, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Thw Willingboro Eye of Willing Bro’

1:59 pm August, 19 Vin Douchal said...

The Ronkonkoma Eye of ……… er …

2:08 pm August, 19 Vin Douchal said...

The Hackensack Eye Hacking Sacks

2:08 pm August, 19 schlicht bindenburger said...

@hermit..i am sorry for your loss, may the hangover be tiny! now get another Lil’ punnum to accompany you for the next 11. FUCK IM MISTY NOW!!!

2:10 pm August, 19 schlicht bindenburger said...

the sitch is a CUNT!!!!

2:30 pm August, 19 tall guy said...

@Hermit, so sorry she had to leave you.

2:47 pm August, 19 Hermit's Dead Dog said...

He peed in my butt once.

3:00 pm August, 19 hermit android thumbs said...

Yeah, but I was drunk.

3:01 pm August, 19 hermit android thumbs said...

“Then I went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like, I love you.”

3:15 pm August, 19 Hermit's Dead Dog said...

Well I wasn’t drunk. And I meant what I barked. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get back to dog heaven. There showing reruns of Lassie and Rin Tin-Tin 24-7. Also table scraps and people’s legs as far as the eye can see. Its been real Hermit.

4:08 pm August, 19 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Hermit
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Sorry for your loss. I like my animals more than I like anyone. Except my wife. Now get your ass down to the local animal shelter or SPCA and adopt another one. Mutts ALWAYS make the best companions and you’re saving two lives for the price of one. In case you haven’t gotten it by now I’m pretty passionate (not in a gay or beastiality way) about this subject I just hate fuccen people. And then post pictures. And keep it away from The Machine.

4:15 pm August, 19 Whoop-di-douche said...

Shallow Depth of Field Pear???
Shallow?
“Reach out and touch someone” Pear.
Deep Pear.

In other news, kudos to the old beachguard who won’t wear a SPEEDO on the job. Seems his banana can’t take it , nor his nutz.

We do run the gamut of fruit loops on this site when it comes to scanty swim attire.

4:45 pm August, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I second the Honorable Douchey Wallnuts in being the first to openly mock the death of Zyzz. I just made a comment on one of them there links and expect some nasty emails. I’m cool with that. And Jimmy page does look like an old lesbian.
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@Vin
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I think 1968-1970 Jimmy could have performed solos with a crosscut saw and wired roach clip.

4:56 pm August, 19 Wedgie said...

Pear looks suspiciously like Brianna Banks, who if I am not mistaken is Vin’s ex-girlfriend.
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Jellies

5:21 pm August, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Hermit
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I have an 11 year old Golden that’s doing fine most of the time because I keep feeding the Machine money to keep her joints strong and painless. Vitamin therapy, raw food, Glucosamine etc, aspirin with codeine, Omega 3’s, Calcium and Magnesium, special detachable ramps for the pool, lifting her in and out of the van so she doesn’t sprain. She will meet an unseemly demise in the not too distant future once she gets really incontinent or sore. And then I will be drunk and morose for a while.
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Until that day I have vowed to remain drunk and morose as usual. Except when I have a spell.

5:32 pm August, 19 Hermit said...

Thanks, you guys are awesome, (even Hermit’s Dead Dog.)
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@ Vin some dogs “get it” is a statement which may be hard to explain completely, but I know exactly what you mean. I’ve always had dogs, and still have a shepherd-pit mix which protects the Hermit Hovel Complex from racoons, coyotes and census takers. He’s a good dog, but he doesn’t quite “get it.”
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That Lucianno kid can play and reminds me of my ex-business partner’s kid who I first met as a bratty toddler with Cheerios stuck to his one- piece ‘jammies, but now tours the US, Canada and Europe with his steel-bodied National guitar, and is a freakin’ excellent bottle slide player. Rev Peyton’s Big Damn Band.

5:47 pm August, 19 Hermit said...

@ Rev,
I had close to $10,000 invested in my dearly departed(stupid right?) She swallowed rat poison and had to have her stomach pumped and treated with a vitamin K regiment. Then she had glaucoma and had to have one eye removed, the remaining eye lost it’s lens and her vision was greatly limited, but she hardly slowed down, still picking fights with dogs three times larger than her.
Then she got sick and wouldn’t eat, and had to have a piece of foam rubber surgically removed from her intestines.
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She couldn’t beat the cancer which finally did her in.
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I stay pretty much drunk and morose most of the time anyway so it shouldn’t be a big problem for me.

6:56 pm August, 19 Hermit's Dead Dog said...

@Hermit, Anytime, anytime. You know we had some good times together, well aside from your binge drinking and total disregard for personal hygiene, but I’m a dog and I saw past that. Oh yeah maybe lock your next dog out of the room when you wank it to old reruns of “Eight is Enough”. Talk about uncomfortable.

7:19 pm August, 19 The Dude said...

Hermit — mind if I call you Hermie? I always call my friends things they hate — I just went through a dog passing myself. I haven’t been feeling myself ever since. Well, that’s not quite true.
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The heart is heavy because of the weight of requited love.
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And the dog is heavy because of all that peeing in her butt.
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Sincerely, Dudie

7:41 pm August, 19 schlicht bindenburger said...

jimmy stewart gives an awesome dog passing poem on johnny carson, if only i knew how to copy and paste! fuck im retarded!

8:47 pm August, 19 Medusa Oblongata said...

Dogs FTW, people FTL. Hermit, you rule and I hope you feel better soon.
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RE Bollywood Bros: You’re welcome. Good luck getting that out of your heads.
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Sikhs.

8:49 pm August, 19 Medusa Oblongata said...

Way to fail, Gorgon Breath. Let me try that again.
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You’re welcome.

9:00 pm August, 19 Guid is Good said...

Um, can Douchies be awarded posthumously? Be mirin Mecha Hineyho. No homo.
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Homos.

10:22 pm August, 19 DarkSock said...

Well, I got the best of the Haiku on the front page, and there’s a shit-ton of them.
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Great work, you dick-ish bunch.
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Elder Child Cockks.

11:17 pm August, 19 Stephanie said...

Skippy pimples,herpes.

11:56 pm August, 19 Mr. Biggs said...

Gluteus bubblicious maximus! Thanks DB1!

12:13 am August, 20 Baron Von Goolo said...

@ Medusa
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That was GLORIOUS! I whipped out my iTunes and logged it for posterity before that video was half over.
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I mean, the cat’s no Mohammed Rafi but he’s no doorknob, either.

12:15 am August, 20 Baron Von Goolo said...

ATTENTION ALL HOTTS:
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Please locate the Bollywood Bros and fuck them silly.
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Thank you for your time and attention.

9:40 am August, 20 The Thin White Douche said...

I’m going as zombie Zyzz for Halloween this year.

10:11 am August, 20 The Dude said...

I’m glad it’s still Friday. It’s been a long day, but a good one.

11:56 am August, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Did anyone notice during our Hermit’s Dog Memorial Service (HDMS) that Skippy’s pimpled face is very proximate to the seemingly flawless derriere of a supple skinned legalish teenage flirty hot chick. Just saying and shit.

12:05 pm August, 20 Hermit's Dead Dog said...

@RevChad, I saw her. And I would totally sniff that.

12:15 pm August, 20 Et Tu Douche? said...

@ Hermit
Sorry to hear about your dog, that sucks!!!. During these past few shitty years of economic/financial malaise, self doubt and disgust in humanity I’ve realized more then ever that a good dog, hell even a slightly misbehaved dog trumps all. At least she’s not in pain anymore.

12:18 pm August, 20 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmmm!!!!!!!…….. Shallow Depth of Field Pear
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Dogfarts

12:22 pm August, 20 ChestBrah said...

I fucking rule!!!!, fugg off you Jelly hatin’ haterzz

12:27 pm August, 20 ChestBrah said...

And no I’m not GAY

12:45 pm August, 20 Hermit's Dead Dog said...

@ChestBrah, Yeah right. And I never licked my own butthole.

7:45 am August, 21 Wheezer said...

That pear needs to be nibbled, and I am hungry.

7:55 am August, 21 Wheezer said...

Medusa, is that the new “Rickroll’d” thing? If so, I don’t mind being “tricked.” Oh yah baby!
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Hermit, sorry about the loss of Cricket. Dogs truly are better than humans and prove it despite such short lifespans.

2:56 pm August, 21 Doucheterminatrix 2.0 said...

@ Chestbrah:

U dead, brah?

7:15 am August, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Hermit
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Only $10,000? Shit, I bought a new wing for our vet one time we did so much business with him. I’m talking no shit here. We had a lifetime discount of 15% (before we moved three more times) at that place. I think we have about that much wrapped up in each of our pets. Then again, all the ones that no one wants, we adopt. Cat that had to have most of its tail amputated because so colossal fuckwit closed a door on it and then abandoned it? Check. Kitten resuced from kitten mill? Check. Two more cats abused by their previous “owners”? Check. Two ferrets that were deemed un-adoptable because “they bit too much”? Check. Dog rescued minutes from death through no fault of his own? Check. Yeah, we have a zoo but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hell, I’m trying to get the Mrs. to adopt a three-legged cat right now. Just call me sucker. Shit, right now one of the frets is going to have surgery to remove one of his adrenal glands because he’s been losing weight and hair. But you know what? I could give a shit less about how much it will cost me.

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