Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Happy Mitch Is In Over His Head


Happy Mitch did what he was told.

He bought the most garish Ed Hardy crapfests he could find.

He put ’em on.

He grew out what facial fung he could (none).

He tilted the Hardy Hat to a properly douchebaguous 30DHT.

Now Happy Mitch finds himself dancing to Dangermouse with Quality Suckle Spank Pooch Amelia and the poor dude is lost.

Sorry Happy Mitch. You seem like a nice guy. But Suckle Spank Pooch Amelia’s butt requires quality pooch suckle. And you have chosen the Hardy Path. So you are not worthy.

# posted by douchebag1
9:27 am August, 24 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Not to defend Mitch, but possession is 9/10ths of the law….

9:32 am August, 24 Anonymous said...

At least he has a girl and is smiling about it. Her taste in clothes isn’t that great either. Pass for Mitch.

9:35 am August, 24 Mandouchian Candidate said...

It would also appear that he is drinking a vodka and I am assuming red bull. The problem with youth is that it is wasted on the young. I imagine that one day he will look back on this day and say to himself- why was I wearing this cartoonwear? Why wasn’t I drinking a makers mark on the rocks? Why did I go home alone and have to fuck a body pillow instead of Amelia? In that instant when he answers these questions, all will become clear, and he will be doused in a 65/3/5 dilution of water, vinegar, and spring rain freshness to absolved of his sins.

9:36 am August, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Not only is this short bus doofus wearing Hardy stuff, his shirt has the name that shall not be mentioned (initials C.A.) to complete the equation. Must have had a nice 75% off clearance rack at TJ Maxx

9:37 am August, 24 Mandouchian Candidate said...

65/30/5^

9:42 am August, 24 Ferris said...

Happy Mitch is a dead-ringer for athlete-douche Matt Leinart. I wish he was just dead.

9:42 am August, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

We’ve seen these jokers before.
.

9:43 am August, 24 schlicht bindenburger said...

puddly needs some GH and gym time if he is gonna go for the BDW. ‘Big Doosh Win’.

9:45 am August, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

I think she might be a porn star, Rev can you look into this and either deny or confirm?

9:49 am August, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

Hey Mitch what’s with the hover hand over the shoulder routine??

9:50 am August, 24 Crazed Aborigine said...

This guy has every douche signifier except the tatts, yet I find it hard to muster much rage.

Amelia’s smile can melt Leary’s cryogenically frozen head.

9:54 am August, 24 UFO Destroyers said...

Is this former CA candidate for governor Mary Carey?

9:58 am August, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

@UFO Destoyers
I think you’re right and she was in porn.

10:18 am August, 24 Vin Douchal said...

That’s not Mary Carrey, her boobs are not pendulous and bloated enough

10:24 am August, 24 Anonymous said...

Ah sugar, I missed the hoverhand. D-bag I guess.

10:40 am August, 24 Bret Easton Douchis said...

No pass.

You can tell he really *wants* to be a full-on douchebag. He’s so happy that his early douche investments are starting to bear fruit.

Poisoned, genital warts infested fruit….but fruit none-the-less.

10:44 am August, 24 Anonymous said...

I’m more interested in shaved head guy in the upper left corner. I wonder if he’s got the moves like Jagger.

10:55 am August, 24 Chumanominom said...

borderline Bleethdom but still redeemable

11:09 am August, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I don’t think that’s Mary Carey or any porn star. But I don’t know much about that porn shit. I think she would be good in it. Likewise, Choadster’s friend from yesterday would be a great addition to Cumdrunk Assblasters 17: The Brunette Baseball Bat Series.
.
Largemans
.
And my last post of yesterday was really funny to me at 2 in the morning all stoned and shit spitting beer laughing. But not so this morning.

11:47 am August, 24 pyrpylkyrtynz said...

NO nottas
It should be legal to kill anyone wearing CA, A&F, Von Dutch, or Ed Hardy
not even gays will wear that gay shit

12:00 pm August, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Happy Mitch spent most of his career hitting at the Mendoza line. His hitting coach (bro at the frat) suggested changing his swing by not swinging at the first pitch (you come one like a nice likeable guy, you seem like a pussy), keep your hands back (chicks love it when you’re all over them), make sure you pivot your hips through the zone (throw out all that normal “shit” you wear and get doucherized) and swing with a slight uppercut so the singles turn into doubles and the doubles turn into home runs (act like the biggest fist-pumping tool in the world). So now Happy Mitch has hit the big leagues but feels kind of awkward trying to remember all this “advice” and it shows. The hitters (bleeths) will figure him out soon enough and throw him not but off-sped pitches (yeah, my number is 555-usuk) so he gets back to his normal slash line again. But right now, he’s just happy to be in the show.

12:36 pm August, 24 every which way but douche said...

I give a NOTTA. She clearly bought him that shirt and hat to douche him down to her bleethy standards. He’s just happy to be in The Show, and by Show I mean tainted snatch.

1:03 pm August, 24 pyrpylkyrtynz said...

Fucc that. Double douche for wearing that garbage if a chick got it for you. Then you are a whipdouche.
The only notta is if somebody photoshopped that shit onto your sorry ass.

1:24 pm August, 24 Stephanie said...

Yup,the shirt and hat gotta go! Sneak it into the goodwill bin and stop shaming yourself Mitch bitch.

1:30 pm August, 24 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

“But Suckle Spank Pooch Amelia’s butt requires quality pooch suckle.” I ain’t sayin’ DB1 is reaching Dostoevsky levels here, but the Great American Novel does have to have some lines like this.

1:38 pm August, 24 This Chick's Mom said...

Bam! Stephanie keeps it real. This guy wouldn’t dress like this unless he was getting positive reinforcement from this chick who also appears to be sporting douchewear. The truth hurts but hopefully the intellegent among us will learn from it. And let the retarded be doomed to repeat it. At least that way we’ll be able to save some scratch on IQ tests.

1:46 pm August, 24 This Chick's Mom said...

Let me be the first of many women to let DB1 know that he is a disappointment to his mother. Also he whines more than 10 of my gal pals so much so that when I think of him I actually consider him to be a her.
.
.
.
Sorry ’bout yer Dad

6:53 pm August, 24 Guid is Good said...

Quality Suckle Spank Pooch Amelia’s shirt is awful. Please take it off.

7:50 pm August, 24 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

Yanno what? This shit is just plumb depressing.

2:53 pm August, 25 Collaz B. Popped said...

30DHT might be almost as bad at 2 – Caps,,,,,almost.

She does look “porny”.

3:44 pm August, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

That shirt is as s yellow as my kitchen walls; no wnder he’s so happy.

7:14 pm August, 27 ska-DOUCHE said...

so i have a dilemma here i wish to clear…i think there should be a new category of douche called “poseurdouche” or wannadouche”…happy mict is what is to every scene known as a “poseur”…heres the nolan twister: this is a poseur posing in a scene made up of poseurs…the head, oh! the head…
but i say to you LOOKETH and say also SEE! for it IS truly before us! poseurs of poseurs!…
i begin to wonder if that simpsons episode is true…we are being watched as a reality show in homes across the seas…
discuss

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