Monday, August 8, 2011

HCwDB of the Month

It’s on. It’s so on. Bring the Mock, people. Do your duty:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Crotch Johnson and the Sara Bikini Hotties

There’s something almost reassuring in these dark and unstable economic times knowing that Crotch Johnson is out there, douching it up with hot chicks for all of us sinners.

For C.J. is anti-Lebowski.

But nor a nihilist neither.

Some swampy middle land of stupid head and credit card debt without worry.

Where boobies flow freely like rice wine.

And sparrows come to nest in his hair like forgotten Song of the South Disney racist past.

The Sara Bikini Hotties want to major in nursing, and giggle a lot.

And for that we thank them by enjoying a tasty guava mixer.

Which is not a euphemism. Guava mixers are tasty.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Silverlake Todd and Young Mom Carol

Bringing a much needed dose of real world hottie/douchey dialectics back to the Monthly, real world Todd and Young Mom Carol are the antethesis of the party doucher club itch of Crotch Johnson and the Sara Bikini Hotties.

Yet just as powerfully potently wrong.

With his patented Silverlake Stubble ™ is all sorts of punchworthy hipster douche that hangs out at Intelligentsia on Sunset and claims he’s working on a script about mutant donkeys called “Mutant Donkeys,” Crotch Johnson is real world indie itch.

As to the screenplay? He’s on page four.

Young Mom Carol is all that is hot about women who marry too soon and carry a secret sexual yearning for crazed orgyness underneath their societal veneer for the rest of their 30s and 40s.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Broctopus and Party Girl Melinda

Offering yet another distinct dialectic in this monthly, The Broctopus and Party Girl Melinda are standard issue clownbaggery.

The losers in the bar who force the party when the partying should not be forced.

And thus make all real girls in the immediate vicinity lose all interest in late night makeouts.

Because Broctopus is too stupid for the rest of us to abide.

I would paddle Melinda with a shake weight and ask for change.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Most Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney

Our final contestants for a spot in the HCwDB of the Year bring pumped up musclebaggery and tasty blonde suckle thigh in toxic combo to the yearly.

Remember.

When voting, it is not just about the hott, or the douchebag, but the combination in toto as a Freudian Primal Trauma Rorsharch test that truly pushes the limits of our critical discourse.

Which combo is most toxic and wrong?

Vote as ever in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:33 am August, 8 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

It’s awful close between Crotch and The Most Interesting Douchebag in the World. I’m going with Crotch for the win 1) because he deserves a win before he dies of scurvy, 2) He has a champagne bucket large enough for 10 bottles of champagne, and 3) emaciated brunette hott: rawr.

7:33 am August, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

I vote all four. For death by alpaca trampling. As far as for HCwDB OTM, I’ll have to get back to you.

7:38 am August, 8 douchebag1 said...

Apologies for the late start this mornin’, had to cure an alpaca of rickets. Now lets get our votin’ on.
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– management

7:47 am August, 8 Et Tu Douche? said...

Let’s HCwDB? SilverLake Todd is all that is indie, hipster, pudwackery douche and I’m still sickened that he is with YMC.The obvious winner in my book for HC, and I’m sure Vin will agree, is Young Mom Carol. She is natural,milfy yummyness.

8:12 am August, 8 The Dude said...

I cast my vote for TMIDBITW and Brittney.

8:22 am August, 8 the douche is alright said...

BROCTOPUS

8:25 am August, 8 Ohio FJ said...

Broctopus – hands down

8:30 am August, 8 DarkSock said...

The Most Revolting Douchebag In The World is more like it…White socks, black shoes? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!? Add to this the black ball-huggers stolen from Medusa’s laundry gimp, the SEVEN pound watch, and the rare but repugnant S.L.V.G.R. (spaghetti-like vascular groin reveal) and you have a douche nozzle that would fit a Hindenburg-sized rubber douchebag.
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It doesn’t hurt that Britnney’s chesticle/taut-tummy area is the genetic equivalent of a aircraft carrier landing strip for my flying Yogurt-Kopturz, either.
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TMIDBITW FTW, and Brittney FTY-K

8:53 am August, 8 Da Newb said...

Brittany takes it to another level.

The Most Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney

9:03 am August, 8 Vin Douchal said...

First of all, Carol for the HoVDTCR ( Hall of Vin Douchal’s Throbbing Cockk Rides) and the HoH, también
.
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I hate all four of these Delta Bravos with all my being. Let’s go ahead and give the worst coupling here to that preening nimrod “Broctopus” and his well dressed , impressed by his preening nimroddery Bleeth Queen.
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Gah, he needs my mother’s 12″ skillet upside his head to as dear old mom used to say, “Knock some sense into him”
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The Broctopus and Party Girl Melinda FTW

9:09 am August, 8 Mandouchian Candidate said...

TMIDBITW brings a whole new level of douchebaggery. Oblivious of his own stench and unaware of his vomit inducing aura, he is the winner, and by winner, I mean most likely to be tied up and drug down the Vegas strip by a foreigner in a Scion.

9:11 am August, 8 Herodouchous said...

Over spiked hair, douchal expression, chin pubes, jeans that came from the store ripped up, white belt, Incredible Hulk ab reveal in a location where his shirt should remain on, and a leg warmer hottie. Yep, I’d say Broctopus is going the extra mile to win the monthlies.

9:14 am August, 8 Wedgie said...

My vote goes to Most Interesting D’Bag. Seldom do we see the personification of all this site despises contained with such perfection in one photo. His list is complete: GSR, 10 lb. watch, shirtless, marble bag, stupid tatts, etc. Plus, white socks with black shoes thrown in for bonus points. Stupid choad, even in Vegas you don’t make that mistake.
She is heavenly, all bikini’d up with high heels; I love her deeply. And by deeply, I mean completely superficial sex lasting all of 36 seconds, if I’m lucky.

9:16 am August, 8 icame isaw idouched said...

He doesn’t always suck cock but when does, they call him the Dyson. He’s TMIDBITW and a winner

9:19 am August, 8 schlicht bindenburger said...

i root for chicken legs lanny aka- TMIDITW!

9:34 am August, 8 Doucheophobic said...

TMIDITW and Britney ftw.

9:43 am August, 8 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

TMIDITW & Brittney….he may indeed be the most interesting ‘Bag yet tagged, not the most exotic, but since he never wore a shirt, even to church…and she is a bleethy bleeth for sure. Chrome off a trailer hitch and more. He also might be the Ugliest Douchebag in the World, which, if he holds twin titles, surely puts him over the top for the monthly.

9:47 am August, 8 Lady Scatterly said...

The Most Interesting Doucebag in the World, for his nut huggin shorts with sock and shoe combo. And the whole DB vibe he’s got going on.

9:52 am August, 8 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Fierce competition this month. Fierce, I tell you. Tough call but I must go with Silver Lake Todd and Young Mom Carol as her blue eyes, great smile and slightly saggy boobies are killing me. Todd is a hipster pud who needs a swift kick to the groin.

10:05 am August, 8 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney. He doesn’t always wear shorts, but when he does they are package squishers.

10:05 am August, 8 douche equis said...

I would love to see Black Dynamite, whose new animated series I will be forced to drag into every posting, e-mail, and conversation I enter into from now until next spring when it’s finally on the TV and not just an Internet tease, beat the crap out of one of these guys. Just for fun.

10:11 am August, 8 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

He doesn’t always wear a George Michaels type beard. But when he he does, he likes it stroked by a penis.
.
He is The Most Interesting Douchebag In The World

10:19 am August, 8 McDouche said...

(sigh) I was about to choose The Most Interesting ‘bag in the World and Brit for making me vomit in my mouth but then I realized (hoped) that no girl would ever get close to a guy like that unless he was The Most Interesting (Gay) Man in the world. If anyone has ever seen (on TV of course) the gay pride parade in The Village (New York) then you would agree (hope) that he is clearly gay.
Broc and Linda…. one word… Ugh
Now Todd looks like the type of guy who loves himself more than women. Typical donut. But maybe he is religious. Maybe he cares about his physique. Maybe he just made a mistake on those ridiculously dopey glasses. Not sure but I just dont think he’s uberdouche and Carol is very cute, minus the potentially saggy boob, but not bleethed out.
Crotch is a douche and the girls are just drippy hot, yet im not sure why but im kinda rooting for him. Maybe because if you strip all the douchey things out of the picture he’s really a dork and not a douche. This dork/douche is just kinda doing his thing. Not sure what that thing is but he’s doing it and its his and I cant believe I said that about him.
So, by default, I have to say Broc and Linda get my vote. Brock is a proven uberdouche. They make me sick. If I was at that bar I would light myself on fire.

10:33 am August, 8 Colossus of Choads said...

Todd and Carol.

MIDitW for hall of scrote though…

10:33 am August, 8 Hurl Scheibe said...

I was so drawn in by YMC’s slight boob sag, because it is more age appropriate for me.

In the end, I went with TMIDITW because of those bitchen GSR Tendons.

10:36 am August, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

My co-worker, the venerable Scrotisserie Gold (or what he Scotisserie Chicken? I forget) says: Where do these people come from? Where do they go that they’re hanging around in their underwear all the time?” I concur. Where do these people go that being indoors warrants being in swimwear? #2 and #4 seem to be at some poolside location, at least out in the sun, so it makes sense. But #1? WTF is that all about? I will say this though: Broctopus seems to be enjoying himself the least. At least the other three look somewhat content to be in the company of bouncie boobie succle hott. But Broctopus? Squeezing out a Chore-Boy buttplug. And Melinda looks like the chick that I’d have the best shot with. So, for the smug, and the luscious thigh, Broctopus FTW and the aforementioned Alpaca trampling.

10:47 am August, 8 McDouche said...

Additionally, Broc looks like he actually unbuttoned buttons to show his abs. That amount of work to show your abs is uberdouche. Not to mention he’s 5’2″. Melinda is practically in a catchers position and she’s as tall as him. Poor little guy.

10:55 am August, 8 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

He insists on only buying Diesel, including at the Armani Exchange. He uses Axe Body Spray. As toothpaste. He is the most interesting Douchebag in the world.
.
“I don’t always sodomize chimpanzees, but when I do, I always take them to dinner first. Stay douchey, my friends.”

10:57 am August, 8 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Crotch Johnson and the Sara Bikini Hotties FTW! Why? The tatt. The tatt right above what I’m almost positive would be a GSR. It works like the focal point of the picture. Sure, you look at the hotts and have your dirty little thoughts but then you keep noticing it. You look again at the reduochulous hat but then you’re staring at the tatt again. You spend an inordinate amount of time looking at the female GSR’s but the tatt is still in your field of vision. No matter how hard you try it is always there. All the others provide some form of relief (Young Mom Carol’s blue eyes, the fucck me boots of Party Girl Melinda, or the smashed boobies and taught tummy of white trash Brittney) but this one leaves you with that same feeling you get when a finger breaks through the toilet paper. And you had Taco Bell last night.

11:15 am August, 8 jk said...

Broctopus!
Broctopus!
Broctopus!

11:17 am August, 8 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

The douche is strong in this lineup DB1, thus causing my resolve to stay sober for the morning to weaken..
.
.I’m with @Rev Chad on this one..
.
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HTMIMITW takes the cake.
.
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and by “cake” I mean the caked bits of dried douche semen around his closely-cropped hairline…and my last hope for a good Monday.

11:35 am August, 8 pyrpylkyrtynz said...

If crotch and silverlake have spiky hair underneath those shithats, it’s a tie. Otherwise, proctopush takes it.

11:35 am August, 8 Lady Scatterly said...

@Dude McCrudeshiz 10:55a, at least he takes them to dinner first.

11:47 am August, 8 schlicht bindenburger said...

…….and drinks!

12:04 pm August, 8 skrag2112 said...

Interesting Doucebag and his veiny crotch.
.
And Brittney.

12:07 pm August, 8 G.C. said...

interesting douchebag and his legs that never get any steroid-love.

12:08 pm August, 8 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@”Lady” Scattology, I don’t usually sodomize simians, but if I did, you can bet your ass I wouldn’t prime their digestive tracts first. QED.

12:40 pm August, 8 soy bomb said...

This is a tough month. I’m just gonna keep it short ‘n sweet and vote for the guy with a hockey puck strapped to his wrist. The Most Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney FTM.

12:49 pm August, 8 Steve said...

I know this is going to sound like trolling, but I mean this sincerely. I don’t think girls wearing those ridiculously large sunglasses (usually inside no less) should qualify for HCwDB for the week, monthly or anything simply because the glasses cover so much of their face. Who knows what’s lurking under there.

1:04 pm August, 8 tall guy said...

Brittney appears to be the type of vain little bitch that considers a boyfriend something which can be ”updated”, so she probably don’t deserve a boyfriend. But then her current ‘boyfriend’ appears to be so much of a loser that he really ought to be replaced with an updated model. However Brittney should probably not be such a boyfriend-whore and just be single. And that thigh tatt…
Melinda runs wifey pole-dancing classes in her spare time. she advertises on a billboard outside the truck stop cafe using the slogan “He will never go to a strip club again” to which someone scrawled underneath ”Pffft. Someone don’t understand the point of the strip club AT ALL” At the time the image was taken, Broctopus had just suggested he run some classes for men, “but, like, straight men, y’know?” He quickly said afterwards…
Young mum Carol gets really psycho on the Vodka. She loves the thrill of shoplifting and especially likes the ‘feel’ of anonymous sex. She was recently heard saying that Seal was visited by aliens or, to be strictly accurate, “that Seal guy has tribal brandings on his face that came from visiting aliens” Also, she recently commiserated with someone to whom she suggested ‘didn’t get rock’n’roll’. Hmmm, It’s a long way to the top, darls.
The Sara bikini hotties are the perfect black’n’white cookie combo. Trim, taut and terrifically sexual. They’re into DPs, BJs & Mp3s’n’shit, which is just as well because the absolutely vulgarity of Crotch Johnson (who combines a massive silver ice-bucket with plastic cups?) knows no bounds.
But enough ramblings, my vote goes to TMIDBITW and Brittney for their sheer reptilian repulsiveness.
TMIDBITW & Brittney FTW!

1:49 pm August, 8 Douchble Helix said...

Milf Carol’s eyes and boobies FTW.

1:55 pm August, 8 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

Broctopus is Busch league Ab Lobster, with a room temperature IQ and the comedic timing of a threshing machine accident. Party Girl Melinda would be equally impressed by a shiny Spongebob keychain and a roll of bubble wrap, and not necessarily both things at once. I don’t want to believe creatures like this are capable of excreting waste without some kind of extensive nine week training program, much less possessing the ability to dress themselves and use language. Here’s to a genetic dead end, gentlemen.

2:14 pm August, 8 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I’m going to cast my vote with a shout out to the SEALs (fair winds and a following sea), and go with Brittney and the Most Interesting Douchebag in the World.
.
The Choad is strong with this one. And by strong I mean…strong. Dude, did you cut the cheese? And Brittney…oh, Brittney, you are strong with the doucheadox. Are you a sweet, sweet sexy girl-next-door type? or bleethed out of your mind? in either case, you, me and a stick of butter and I’m sure we’ll have a grand time.
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Now I must do penance, for I may have lusted after bleeth…

4:13 pm August, 8 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Broctopus and PGC FTW over TMIDINTW. Both Brocto and Party Girl Carol are the most odious of the species and for this they must be rewarded, and by “rewarded” I mean “mocked.” Usually the monthly winner is horrendouche enough to win on his own demerits, while the bleeth is window dressing that makes the picture palatable to those of us with weak stomachs. However, there is something about Party Girl Carol that makes her as repugnant as her partner, something that goes way beyond the manner in which she is staring admiringly at Brocto’s abs.
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I would have liked to vote for TMIDINTW, as he is reminiscent of Tendon Ted, but alas he just doesn’t have the douche power.

4:25 pm August, 8 McDouche said...

Im telling you guys that TMIDITW is as queer as a 3 dollar bill. To me, that takes him out of the running.

4:26 pm August, 8 dbBen said...

Silverlake Todd
He tells people that he’s the Brody Jenner of Texas.

6:40 pm August, 8 Bigphatnotadouche said...

Milfy Carol has got it going so I would like to crawl up those tata’s.

7:25 pm August, 8 Douchble Helix said...

But I’m still willing to spend/give all my $ to the bikini sisters.
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Maybe I need an official ruling here, DB1. I can see me and Milfy Carol having a long term, meaningful relationship. One that joins two as one, and brings us closer to the divine being.
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On the other hand, a simple exchange of cash and other liquid instruments into the willing hands of the Bikini Sisters will likely bring pretty good memories of debauchery for many years to come, as brief as those good times are certain to be.
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I ain’t gay, so I don’t care about the ‘bags. How will my vote get recorded in the great book?

8:42 pm August, 8 Stephanie said...

The Broctopus is so sickening as a non entity. Nothing but a tube of hair jell.

11:11 pm August, 8 Douche Assassin said...

I was going to vote broctopus but the most interesting douche has him beat in every way. Let’s see here…. steroid-based physique? That’s a check. Strangely thin pin-head? Check. Eurobriefs? What the hell man. Creepy vein/stretch marks originating from his groin shave reveal? I don’t even know what to say. This guy is losing so hard he went past #winning and already won.

11:43 pm August, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Most Interesting DB and Britney get my vote.
Somebody got the white-out correction pen and dibble-dabbled on these two…
Her white bikini. Fine.
His white socks. URP!!! Both nerdy AND douchey!
All the rest is classic HCandDB, a veritable combo of half-nekkid bods in the glaring sun, “Hey, yo, look at me and my tatts and ripped muscles and tighty swimsuits.”
Time for a dunking.

5:59 am August, 9 FoghornLeghorn said...

The Most Interesting Douche in the World, for all the reasons Lady Scatterly voiced earlier, plus my strong urges toward Brittney.

8:59 am August, 9 G said...

Most interesting Douchebag +1

11:10 am August, 9 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Broctopus FTW….needs a ball peen hammer insert

12:28 pm August, 9 idfma said...

Most interesting DB in the world. There can be only one.

12:35 pm August, 9 Blind Squirrel said...

TMIDITW & Brittney – case closed.

12:50 pm August, 9 creature said...

Crotch Johnson is the rancid meat in a chlamydia bleeth sandwhich…they are all 3 vile & are prompting me to put my entire portfolio into the body condom market…it’s a gross, er, growth industry

2:57 pm August, 9 CanuckSmacker said...

Easy. The Most Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney. At least that pic has a hot chick AND a douchebag. All the others just have the latter.

4:00 pm August, 9 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

They are all Douche, but Broctopus’ ab reveal shows a desperation for attention that is the mark of all true uberdouche. Brocto FTW

6:11 pm August, 9 Bret Easton Douchis said...

The Post-Empire Answer is the Douchiest man in the world. He is unrepentently Douche. The bleeth to the left matters little.

The Hottie/Douche paradigm is soooooo “Empire Thinking”.

8:36 pm August, 9 Guid is Good said...

Yeah gotta go with teh Most Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney. He is all that is roided, veiny and wrong with the world. Plus he’s probably stolen his mum’s diuretics too. Brittney is 6, maybe 12 months away from complete Bleethdom. Too peroxided, too orange. The perfect couple.

I trust we will see Young Mum Carol’s superb un-tanned orbs nominated for a Douchie later this year.

9:53 pm August, 11 Sexy Games said...

The clear winner in my book HC, and I’m sure the wine is based, is a young mother of Carol.

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