Thursday, August 18, 2011

Keys McCugel Says “Wuddup?” But Not “Wuddup, Yo?”

Either that or Keys has a strange form of hand palsy that only effects annoying z-list DJ clowns working the Decatur Bar Mitzvah circuit in a tough economy.

Slutty Shana offers the “Maori Tongue of Drunken Woo.” Which isn’t so impressive. In fact, the Maoris grew so bored with it, they moved it to the second tier of tongue gestures, just above the “Tongue of It’s Cold Out” and the “Tongue of Should I Buy This Sweater or Not.”

# posted by douchebag1
11:52 am August, 18 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

When did David Duchovny get a spraypainted mohawk and start banging club ho’s with long tongues?

11:54 am August, 18 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Must be a Supercuts Modeling event.

11:58 am August, 18 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Shana’s boobs are bouncing so fast they induced Doppler cleavage-blur.

12:04 pm August, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

True story:
.
I was living on campus my first year of university and had a couple of chicks on the go. One was a girlfriend and the other a high-school friend dental assistant who wanted my huge cock. So I was pretty happy, going to classes and shit, getting my groove chain swinging and shit in 1984. I didn’t know that I had game, or whatever the fuck it’s called now. My roomates had none, they were stoned and never left the suite. So I’m going to all these early morning classes while my mates were sleeping and getting dirtier and stinkier by the minute.
.
In an accounting class in a medium sized lecture hall which I attended semi-faithfully, I was sitting alone as I usually did because I don’t like the jibber-jabber since Mr. T told me so. Minding my own business a short-haired beautiful blonde chick I had noticed in the cafeteria sits down beside me politely asking if anyone was sitting there. I say no and she sits with me and jibba-jabs for the whole fucking class. But she’s giving me a semi-chub and evil thoughts about diving into her nature bush so I don’t give a fuck. The class comes to an end and she asks me if she could buy me a beer. Of course I agreed. Well shit fucking fuck. She stands up and grabs her cane that was unseen in the darkness of the room. She starts walking and I see that she has a very labored gait. I have to ask her what happened to her leg. Cerebral Palsy from lack of air at childbirth. Shallow prick that I was I thought of running and screaming away from the gimp but her beautiful body and smile told my cock to take charge and I accompanied her to the coffee house for several ales.
.
By the time we left we were both zooed and I was using her cane and forgot all about the fact she was one of Jerry’s Kids. She asked me to her room. I thought about the ribbing I may get for banging a disabled chick but shrugged it off and staggered with her to her private room on campus. Well as soon as the door was closed she took her clothes off and I was full 19 year old drunken huge cock hard. She didn’t limp when she was on her knees and came up for air saying Chad, I think I love you. Who the fuck does she think I am, Dean fucking Martin? So she asks me to start working on her before I blow. She says, “Chad, I want you to fuck me with my cane first.” So I grab her cane dildo and get her going all drunk and freaky and shit.” “Put it in me Jerry she yells.” So I stick my Rammstein Rocket into her tight pussy and she says she’s coming and it;’s her first time. I think about and figure she’s talking about Jerry Lewis and she’s a virgin. The she wants me to put it in her ass and come all over her sweet post-pubescent hard tits.
.
So I finish blowing my load all over her. She’s in heaven ready to get married and shit and I don’t know what the fuck to do. I already have a couple of chicks but the spasms she had from the added epilepsy were pretty cool when I was up to her turd digester with my Mammal Missile. So I’m about to tell her that I want to see her again when she starts having a seizure and shit so I freak out and leave.
.
A few days later I see these girls at her residence crying and balling and I knew one of them. So they tell me what happened and I realize that I shouldn’t have left her alone. I fucked her to death.
.

12:15 pm August, 18 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

With the Reverend’s story above up there I think we can just end this thread now. There is no topping that.

12:24 pm August, 18 schlicht bindenburger said...

i fucked my girlfriends sister!

12:28 pm August, 18 Hurl Scheibe said...

Reading the Reverend’s tale of love, I know I have received total consciousness.

12:29 pm August, 18 schlicht bindenburger said...

….YOU CUNTS!

12:40 pm August, 18 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I can’t believe the Rev didn’t pee in her butt. What a let-down.

12:58 pm August, 18 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Rev, come on, who are you kidding. You stole that story right out of the pages of Juggs Magazine – June 1989. I have the worn, crusty-paged issue right here in my porn bunker.
.
.
.
Plagiarist

1:02 pm August, 18 Colossus of Choads said...

This douche is clearly Sth African. Ja?

1:08 pm August, 18 Chumanominom said...

Mammal Missile FTW

1:09 pm August, 18 Wheezer said...

Boss, no, it’s “Keys McKegel,” and Slutty Shana is disgusted both by the fart he’s now ripping and his general poo smell before and after the gas wafts away.

1:26 pm August, 18 Stephanie said...

Striped nobody punk & Lizard Lips Shana.

1:38 pm August, 18 Troy Tempest said...

sung to Incantation pt 2 by Mike Oldfield:

By The Shore Of Gitchee Gumee
By The Shining Big-Sea-Water
At The Doorway Of The Nighclub
In VERY Early Summer Morning

Funky Douchebag Stood And Waited
All The Air Was Full Of Axe Spray
All The Earth Was Torn Asunder
And Before Him Through The High Beams

Westward Toward The Smoky Club Scene
Passed In Golden Showers, With Ammo
Passed The Bleeths, The Honey-Makers
Burning, Singing In The Spotlight

Bright Above Him Shone The Spotlights
Level Spread The Floor Before Him;
For Her Boobies Leaped The Douchebag
Sparkling, Flashing In The Spotlight

On Its Margin The Table Service
Stood Reflected In The Vodka
Every Mohawk Had Its Shadow
Giving Blowjobs ‘Neath The Table

From The Brow Of Funky Douchebag
Gone Was Every Trace Of Sorrow
As The Fog From Off The Windshield
As The Mist Of Suckle Dew Thigh

With A Smile Of Drunken Dullness
With A Look Of Exultation
As Of One Who In A Vision
Sees What He Should Be, But Cares Not

Stood And Waited Funky Douchebag
Toward The Lights His Hands Were Lifted
Both The Palms Spread Out Towards It
And Between The Parted Fingers

See The Axe Spray On His Groin Shave
Flecked With Poo On Greasy Shoulders
As It Falls And Flecks the Dance Floor
Through The Churning Bleeths And Douchebags

O’er New Jersey Floating, Flying
Something In The Hazy Distance
Something In The Mist Of Morning
Loomed And Lifted From The Airport
Now Seemed Floating, Now Seemed Flying
Coming Nearer, Nearer, Nearer
Was It Predator, The Drone Plane?
Or The Gunship, Known as Cobra?

Or The Missile, great Polaris?
Or The Jet Plane, F-35,
With Machine Gun, Brightly Flashing
From Its Weapon Pods and Nose Cone?

It Was Neither Drone or Cobra
Neither Missile or a Jet Plane
O’er The Water Floating, Flying
Through The Shining Mist Of Morning

But A Mazda Filled With Assholes
Roaring, Stinking In The Car Lot
Frolic, Flashing In The Car Lot
And Within It Came More Douchebags.

Can It Be The Sun Descending?
O’er The Level Plain Of Water?
Or The Douchebag Running, Crying
Wounded By The Bleeth Rejection?

Staining All The Walls With Jager
Pissing On His Shoes And Moaning
Filling All The Air With Bile
Filling All The Air With Bellows

Yes, It Is The Douche Descending
Sinking Down Into A Puddle
All The Sky Is Stained With Poison
All The Water Flushed With Brawnda!

No, It Is The Douchebag Yelping
Running Round With All Abandon
To The Bleeth Who Did Reject Him
For The Mazda Douchebag’s Calling.

Over All The Star Of Morning
Melts And Trembles Through The Purple
Funky Douchebag Hangs At Dawning
Dangles And Dies With Dreams Of Heaven!

2:00 pm August, 18 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I think she wants me to suck on her tongue.
.
I’m tempted, but also frightened by the thought.
.
Who else has sucked that tongue? shivers

2:03 pm August, 18 A Mazda Filled With Assholes said...

Hiawatha doth surely weep.

2:11 pm August, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Is this one of those Kardashian sister cunts who thinks that can fulfill the terms of her community service agreement because she’s a walking STD by going to a club so she can get people to donate money to save the lizardtigermonkey that she’s hanging onto?

2:14 pm August, 18 Douche Springsteen said...

I made the same face Slutty Shana is making one time when I was driving to Montreal and got a full body cavity search at the border in Detroit.
.
.
.
drug mules.

2:18 pm August, 18 Douche Springsteen said...

By the way Rev, I didn’t weep at the end of Death Be Not Proud, but I’ll be goddamned if I’m not all misty eyed right now after reading your tale.

2:58 pm August, 18 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

I was once in a hot tub with two fat chicks, each so high on blow they would’ve done anything asked to my miniscule man-member…but unfortunately it had receded so far into my body (and remember, it didn’t have far to go) that all I could do was weep silently to myself….as their rolls of adipose bobbed amidst the lime-scented bubbles.
.
.In other words, unlike @Rev Chad, it was not my finest hour.
.
.
.Hermaphrodites

3:03 pm August, 18 I give up said...

@Big Rev Chaddy Kane, fucking a retard is like winning the Special Olympics, even if you win you’re still retarded. Great story though.

3:57 pm August, 18 Douchble Helix said...

I’ll never make the claim that I understand The Reverend, but goddammit, that was a great story.

8:02 pm August, 18 Elwood BluezBag said...

Slutty looks like Neve Campbell. We need more slutty Neve Campbell.

3:19 am August, 19 Steve L. said...

wow i can see a defamation lawsuit on the horizon. from the Maori population.

4:49 pm August, 19 Whoop-di-douche said...

Fffwwwttt! Must be the occasion where the future Rev Chad discovered he had “crucial head” and what an empowerment THAT was.
Nothing like “seizing the moment.”

4:54 pm August, 19 Whoop-di-douche said...

Oh, back to the photo. Is that Decatur, GA or Decatur, IL? Not to fuss over.
But I do see a film noir bathed in a blue-light special, so I’m gonna suggest maybe the Mohawks are ragin’ again and leave the Maoris in the south seas where they belong.
There are shades of Guggenheim in this picture.

7:41 pm August, 19 hemp said...

Because antipsychotic drugs work on the central nervous system they may add to the effects of alcohol and other drugs that slow down the central nervous system..The most common side effects of traditional antipsychotic drugs are neurologic and can include muscle spasms of the tongue face jaw neck back larynxor eyes. This syndrome includes side effects suchas facial grimacing tics writhing of the tongue and abnormal movements ofthe lips neck trunk and limbs.

8:04 pm August, 19 hemp said...

.Run barefoot up and down threatening the flames.With blind tears a cloth on that head.Where lately the crown had stood and for a robe .About her thin loins exhausted from child-bearing .A blanket caught up in the panic of fear .Whoever had seen this with a very poisoned tongue .Would have pronounced treason against Fortunes state..But if the gods themselves saw her then .When she saw Pyrrhus make malicious sport.By chopping her husband s limbs with his sword .The instant burst of noise that she made .Unless mortal events can t move them at all .Would have made the burning eyes of heaven milk .And rouse passion in the gods..

9:31 pm August, 19 hemp said...

. .songs such as the sixteen-second Birdshit and the six-second Direct Action offer a barrage of drum rolls and tongue-twisting lyrics that will fire up the listener but after a while it becomes difficult to latch onto any of the songs. .SSS didn t take their name from a stuttering Nazi or a Red Skull-like super Nazi. If they are trying to be funny they re doing it in an awfully subtle way..Sure songs such as the sixteen-second Birdshit and the six-second Direct Action offer a barrage of drum rolls and tongue-twisting lyrics that will fire up the listener but after a while it becomes difficult to latch onto any of the songs.

10:04 pm August, 22 internet security suite said...

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