Friday, August 12, 2011

Spencer Patents “Tattooed Jesus Bling”

Ever since the infamous “D.J. LaughingCow5 Jesus Bling Pool Incident” at the Hard Rock in late ’09, Spencer’d been working on a secret equation to maintain Zen Douchery in various states of submersion. Spencer has now cracked the code:

1. Waterproof Hair Gel: For that crusty look even under the most trying of liquidtorial conditions

and:

2. Spencer’s piece douche resistance: “Tattooed Jesus Bling.”

Solving two douchal signifiers at once, Bad tattoos and Jesus Bling, Spencer is now free to give you the finger and ignore Sexy Lacey’s attentions at the same time.

# posted by douchebag1
9:25 am August, 12 schlicht bindenburger said...

all i have to say is…..CHEESEDICK!

9:32 am August, 12 Tara Missyou said...

I think it says Brandon over his left boob. I’m tattooing a noose around my neck its getting so bad.

9:51 am August, 12 jonezy said...

she sat on his face once and he had hiccups for a week.
.
Queef flavored.

9:52 am August, 12 Mandouchian Candidate said...

I think if she sat on his face once, he would have the AIDS for life.

Death Flavored

9:55 am August, 12 jonezy said...

oh, and I’m off to Vegas today if anyone wants to join in some live mock this weekend…
.
Goatse flavored

9:57 am August, 12 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Deer Sexy Lacey,
.
I’ll meet you at the pool later…

10:12 am August, 12 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

Hello how are you?
Make a pretty face
Sodomy.

10:17 am August, 12 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

She whispers “Brandon used to be my name too. Before the operation”

10:27 am August, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Everytime he sells a car stereo system complete with the in-trunk sub-sub-sub woofer he taps his chest and points to the heavens.

10:27 am August, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

It looks like they are in segregated pools. Maybe douchebags can’t swim with the hotts because their grease slicks give the hotts painful menstrual cramps. Or maybe this is like what they do when the want to release a dolphin back into the wild. They will move his tank closer and closer to the open ocean, and then one day Spencer will swim free… and I’ll mack on Lacey like it’s my job.

10:30 am August, 12 Vin Douchal said...

They are both gross, disgusting and vile. But enough about his pecs..
.
What. An. Asshole. Fuck this guy with a giant, rusty novelty spork righ up his lemon-y pucker hole. Some foks go a little too far, he’s dug a hole to China with this look…. and it’s not even finished yet.
.
Just wait until the technicolor shit storm hits those 4th grade art class level scribbles. What. An. Asshole.
.
.
.
Museum Docents

10:32 am August, 12 McWhataDouche said...

I would gladly take death flavored AIDS from her.

10:44 am August, 12 Miss Tina Marie Anal said...

I believe a feather tattoo would be the perfect accessory for shooting soft core porn.
.
No nudes, though.

10:47 am August, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Spencer’s hair secret: Olestra. Used topically, it only results in about a liter of anal leakage per day. Spencer can live with that.
.
Not unlike Olestra, Spencer add nothing, has no real value, and causes painful stomach cramps and frequent trips to the bathroom.
.
Gokkun Smoothie Cafe

10:50 am August, 12 Hurl Scheibe said...

@ Dude – Olestra or the fun filled water nuggest that result from consuming too much Olestra? I’ll go with No. 2, if you know what I mean.

As for Brandon, I’d simply like to place my boot on his head and hold him underwater for a really, really long time. And with the amazing advances in gender reassignment surgery, it makes no difference if Brandolina is a girl with that little something extra. Frankly, I’d take her back to the surgeon that made the top half. Mad Skillz.

10:51 am August, 12 smelly said...

What she is saying in a sexy voice

I hope you like in the ass because my brother is about to give it to you

10:51 am August, 12 schlicht bindenburger said...

olestra causes ass watering. known in medical circles as anal leakage!

10:53 am August, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

That star on her stomach isn’t a tattoo. She’s actually being tongue punched in her fart box by Yosemite Sam.

11:00 am August, 12 McWhataDouche said...

She’s saying, “Use this finger tonight. Your penis just doesnt cut it”

11:28 am August, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

HCwDB of the week right here. Loath as I am to give the award to typical Vegas douchery, Spencer gets it by upping the ante in an already competitive field.
.
Douchebags, I want to see more of this. More tattoo substitutes for douchal signifiers – tattoo rolexes, tattoo dog tags, heck, heck tattoo that mohawk into your head. I know you can do it, you have the will, you have the douchal ingenuity, you have daddy’s trust fund.

11:35 am August, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Mr. Biggs^
.
The day someone invents an “Burnt Orange Tan” tattoo is the day the world simultaniously recovers from this gawdawful recession and implodes.

11:44 am August, 12 DarkSock said...

are
Especially if Lamp is plugged into a non-GFIC wall outlet and lobbed into this pool.

11:50 am August, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Get ready for the implosion, and google dermapigmentation.

11:51 am August, 12 Mandouchian Candidate said...

This guy is in dangerous proximity to being hit by a stray harpoon. This chick is in dangerous proximity of being hit by a cock the size of a lightswitch.

11:58 am August, 12 Tara Missyou said...

I wouldn’t touch either of them with a ten foot vagina. So I guess what I’m saying is I wouldn’t touch either of them with Plinky’s Mom’s vagina. Hey, how come Plinky’s mom never comments on here?

1:22 pm August, 12 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

This pool contains both a turd and a douchebag. I’ll let you decide which is which.

1:23 pm August, 12 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

Fuck me, there’s no difference at all is there?

1:29 pm August, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

It is interesting how douchebags have evolved along a different path and do not have body hair. Interesting, I says….

1:37 pm August, 12 pyrpylkyrtynz said...

The vaginal barrel is thoroughly flushed. Enough of this douche, already.

1:57 pm August, 12 Wheezer said...

This is a repeat appearance of Joey Lumpcrustowitz.
.
Boss made that one too easy.

2:20 pm August, 12 Whoop-di-douche said...

Thankee, Wheezer.
At least we get to see his fake Jebus bling this time.

5:11 pm August, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Wheezer, you are a machine.
.
Joey Lumpcustowitz, prepare to meet the machine. You too, Star-Bellied Bleeth. Your kind will be the harem girls that I’ll whore out in exchange for firearms and medical supplies after the apocalypse. And I don’t care if you get all cut up, either. You can just tend the vegetable patch.

5:26 pm August, 12 Doucheywallnuts said...

As the self-appointed comments threat ombudsman I would like to highlight the following.

Cheesedick
Fart box
Vagina barrel
Wheezer’s reference skillz

7:37 pm August, 12 Stephanie said...

Hot Chick? with Douchebag. They both suck shit.

7:41 pm August, 12 Tara Missyou said...

^Word Stephanie. Fucking, word.

9:04 pm August, 12 Wolfram74 said...

I think that’s Smoot

10:26 am August, 13 creature said...

her boobs probably rotate down, around & towards each other whilst being banged vigorously

10:24 pm August, 13 Guid is Good said...

Sexy Lacy (actually Skanky Svetlana who’s here for a 3 day porn shoot) whispers “I zink zay are lafink at you.”

6:45 pm August, 14 hemp said...

In Paul Austers deconstruction of the detective story The New York Trilogy 1985-6 the references among many are to Hawthorne and Poe and thus to the origins of the mystery story in the United States..The urban jungle vicious savage devoid of spiritual values would become normatively the site for the detectives quests and discoveries. He is drawn to the great estates of the wealthy private landscapes whose distinctive atmosphere facilitates the coherent presentation of its inhabitants.

9:44 am August, 18 Melly said...

Cheers pal. I do apprcieate the writing.

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