Friday, September 16, 2011

80s Protobaggery: ‘Mad Max’ in Weird Science

Inspired by a highly astute and well observed comment from Scrotation Marks in one of the threads, I realized that mid 80s Robert Downey Jr. offered one of the first true protobaggery templates that grew into the full bore 00s narcissism that became the Grieco Plague.

Here’s a clip of Downey’s “Mad Max” character, an epic performance as an 80s High School Douchenozzle, from the great John Hughes classic Weird Science.

Note: This is clearly not meant to call the actual Robert Downey Jr. a douche (a complex discussion on its own merits, as Downey has dipped in and out of ‘bag status over the years). But here, the man was playing a character. And for playing the genius that was Derek Lutz, Downey Jr. will always deserve props.

It’s true. My cinematic knowledge begins in 1984 and ends around 1987 or so. Grade school was very impactful on the psyche.

# posted by douchebag1
10:02 am September, 16 DoucheyWallnuts said...

In the movie he uses the great 80s pick-up line when he sees Lisa and says as his opening line, “I saw you looking at us…” Oh how many blank stares that generated from members of the opposite sex for this humble commenter….

10:14 am September, 16 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

Truly one of the best characters (and proto-douches) of 80s cinema. The scene on the mall escalators was even better.

10:16 am September, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I always hated that cocksucker Morton Downey Jr. for his movies like Chaplin and Breakfast Farts and that TV show with all of the anti-black schtick.
When he pretended he went crazy and went on Letterman with that big orthodox beard and then I found out it was all a joke I lost it. Glad they cancelled his show.
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Gay Coccksucker

10:19 am September, 16 Vin Douchal said...

If the 80’s taught us one thing it’s that drums are acoustic instruments.
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And that Tony Hadley feller can fuccen sing

11:06 am September, 16 Robert Rusler said...

I played the Mad Max character. I am the protodouche. Oh my gosh DB1, its like you purposely wrote the wrong thing so someone would correct you. It appears as if you need a strong disciplinarian type around. Good thing we have Medusa.

11:24 am September, 16 Bueller said...

Top 5 Hall-of-Fame movie. Classic.

11:42 am September, 16 Douchetastic Sam said...

I totally rock that Downey look. Then I score chicks and suck face.

11:45 am September, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

Random thoughts:
If Downeys character was the protobag dare we say Kelly Le Brock’s was the protobleeth? She went downhill pretty fast after this movie.
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Dare I say his character, Julian, in “Less Than Zero” is the 80’s version of what a lot of this generations bags have to look forward to?

11:58 am September, 16 jewchebag said...

all was forgiven after this movie

12:25 pm September, 16 Douchie Spellcheck said...

All I can see is Rodney. “Hey teach, how about later you come over and help me with my Longfellow…” The greatest.

12:27 pm September, 16 troy tempest said...

And all the while, his butthole silently mouthed all the lyrics to Jesus Christ Superstar.

1:24 pm September, 16 Douchetastic Sam said...

Hey tt, not that silently…

1:56 pm September, 16 jonezy said...

This post really couldn’t have come at a better time DB1. I had an 80’s movie revelation of sorts just 2 nights ago, and pretty much the entire movie I was thinking, “how have I never seen this before?” and “I have got to suggest this thing to the baghunting community”. As the movie developed I came to think “this is probably the best 80s movie I have ever seen” which is obviously a fairly blasphemous statement. What movie you ask?
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1983’s Private School starring Pheobe Cates and lots and lots and lots of titties. I’m telling you all, if you get a chance, watch or re-watch this movie. It is everything I ever wanted in an 80s rom-com. That isn’t entirely true because there is not an evil male chauvinistic antagonist, but it still hits on almost all other fronts.
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I DVRed it because Pheobe Cates was starring in it and I figure I would just FFWD to all her parts, but then as I sat down to watch it, this fucking movie just kept getting better and better and better. Pheobe and a bunch of other hotties are at a private girl’s school, and obviously they interact with the local boys school, so basically the first scene out of the credits is Pheobe butting heads with a mostly naked female enemy, played by some ultra hottie best known for her role in the Saw franchise.
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Naturally, the boys school dudes are peeving on the girls, taking picture and general tomfoolery of being adolescents with raging hard-ons for these private school girls. So what is the next scene? They all go to the school dance where they literally get raging hard-ons in front of a young ‘grandma from Happy Gilmore’.
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And this is where I thought I have got to post something about this, because in this school dance scenario, the supporting actress chick starts calling the dean “Mrs. Douchebag”, so I thought of our favorite site here, natch.
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Well, I was already surprised with how this movie was progressing and what do you know, next scene just blows me away. The girls are all dolled up in their 80s aerobics leotards, sex-kittening it up to the tune of a killer 80s guitar riff that I swear was synching the music to the hip gyrations and boobie bouncing of these fine young ladies.
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Next thing I know, they one up themselves by just going for the fucking gold medal in the next couple scenes. It’s a little foggy as my RevChad medicine was settling in by this point, but the scene is this. The anti-Pheobe character sees the heartthrob character getting lovey-dovey with Pheobe, so her solution is to ride her horse over in front of them and unbutton her entire shirt to just go tittie free and get him to pay some damned attention to her and not Pheobe. Then cue some joke about riding bare-back and I realized this would be the screenplay I would write if I had ever had a chance to write the most epic 80s movie I could imagine.
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And it just kept getting better. Pheobe Cates bats about a 1000 in this movie, just grade A quality hotness that really has no match. She is a Hottie to compete against all HCs. But other scenes include:
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Group of dudes dress up as girls to sneak into the Ladies dorm
Ladies in the dorm walk around naked and have an extensive shower scene
Anti-Pheobe tries to seduce the hunk character, gets naked
Pheobe and hunk character (Matt Modine btw) run off to lose their virginity
Hunk character’s posse gets anti-Pheobe naked again
Martin Mull gets an uncredited role as condom seller
Ray Walston bangs the dean in the back of Rolls Royce
The hyper-horny dude gets in all sorts of awkward scenarios.
Hot Chicks are prancing around the pool in bikinis on Parent’s Day
Everyone in the graduating class flashes their ass to end the movie.
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I was shocked myself after finishing this movie and thinking “was that the best 80s movie I’ve ever seen? It can’t be” and went through the mental rolodex of Weird Science, Just One of the Guys, Back to School, Karate Kid, Back to the Future, Goonies, etc.
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So to say it is the best- I don’t have the balls to say that. It’s a very different ‘movie type’ from those standard classics, mainly in that it has tons of T&A, which is probably why I never saw it before- not sure my parents would be adding that to our Beta collection. But, I couldn’t help but thinking how well this movie was made compared to other 80s movies. The screenplay was great and seemed like real teenager dialogue, the soundtrack was really quite good and often synched to the film, and Pheobe Cates has a wonderful bare Pear at the end.
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Just plain awesome. Make sure you re-watch that one DB1 and let me know what you think. I’ll keep an eye out for next Friday’s Thoughts and Links.

5:38 pm September, 16 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

For me, Downey will forever be the dude trading BJ’s for coke then cashing it all in with sperm poisoning or somesuch. When it’s my time, that’s how I want to go. Except for the guy on guy deepthroat.

5:55 pm September, 16 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Seriously. Less than Zero is why I never do more than an eightball before switching to horse.

@Jonesy: Pheobe Cates FTW. Rent Paradise. I mean right now!

12:30 am September, 17 Douchble Helix said...

Way to go Jonezy, you killed her. Hope you’re proud of yourself:
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Frances Bay, Adam Sandler’s Happy Gilmore Grandma, Dies at 92
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http://www.eonline.com/news/frances_bay_adam_sandlers_happy_gilmore/264412#ixzz1YC3RzyZm

11:09 am September, 17 Scroto Ballbagins said...

From the decade that brought us Wham, comes one of the truly memorable moments of Douchebaggery

11:19 am September, 17 Scrotation Marks said...

Wham! was the start of the Bagtish Invasion,

11:22 am September, 17 Scrotation Marks said...

Rusler – you sold out when you were in Nightmare on Elmstreet Part 2.

11:27 am September, 17 Scroto Ballbagins said...

Well it ain’t a whale dick honey…

11:51 am September, 17 Robert Rusler said...

@Scrotation Marks, that may be true but I made up for it when I guest starred as Orgoth on an episode of Star Trek, Enterprise. And c’mon look at me, I’m pretty easy on the eyes. Those dudes from Wham! totally dig me.

12:30 pm September, 17 Scrotation Marks said...

@rusler If you are really Mad Max then this forum is clearly blessed to have one of the Foreskin Fathers of 80’s Bag among us. I applaud your career and your contributions.

3:55 pm September, 17 Steve L. said...

my cinematic knowledge begins and ends with porn sites.
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true story.

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