Thursday, September 8, 2011

Ask DB1: “The Friendbag Conundrum”

—–
DB1,

What if you see a woman on a dating website, she’s got a great profile, seems really together, nothing that makes you suspect anything then when you click on her “more photos” button you see this picture?

Shit, she even referred to him as “one of my besties.”

If she is, in fact, not a bleeth or even close, is it worth having to spend ANY time around this tool just to get the thigh nuzzle and pear chomp?

– MC 900 Foot Douchebag

——

What you refer to is what phenomenologists like Husserl first termed “The Friendbag Conundrum.”

If said Hot Chick can be demonstrably proven not to have performed coital cohabit with said douche (and this is not an easy proof), then permanent Bleeth status is not yet achieved. However, the H.C. is now suspect, and must be monitored (via stalking, rosebush hiding, etc.) for any potential future infractions.

# posted by douchebag1
9:17 am September, 8 Mrs. Robinson said...

Unless said “bestie” is into Anderson Cooper and I mean literally, she is bleeth.

9:33 am September, 8 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

……Rosebush Hiding…..ooch eech ooch OUCH!

9:47 am September, 8 Vin Douchal said...

Too much work. He’s a douchebag and she accepts it so she’s a Bleeth. Pass.

9:54 am September, 8 Mrs. Robinson said...

What if you find out the chick youve been stalking is a total recluse? Is that scarier then finding out she has douchebag besties? Like borderline Howard Hughs recluse but without the weird nail growing thing.

9:57 am September, 8 schlicht bindenburger said...

what if she’s a stalker?

10:01 am September, 8 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Hang on, hang on:
An analysis of the HC’s ‘companion’ in the foto is of primary importance, for bleethness can only follow from association with douchitude. Hence the interrogative: is green bandana head a Douche?
Well, the bandana itself seems a bad sign. As the aviator glasses. And the shirtlessness. And the 10lb watch. However – those dog tags look genuine. If that is indeed the case, that forgives a lot. Perhaps the musclehead is simply playing at douchitude but is not truly committed to the Ed Hardy tribe. That’s the key issue to determine.

10:09 am September, 8 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Those dog tags look custom engraved; probably from Petsmart.
*
Douche Written in Stone

10:17 am September, 8 Douchble Helix said...

Yeah, I’m not sure, the camo & Bedazzler™-ed dogtags combo works against him, but otherwise, he’s a strong notta.
Having said that, I’m not all that impressed by her.
Or by MC 900 Foot Douchebag for trolling the Rush-fan dating sites for nookie.

10:20 am September, 8 Mrs. Robinson said...

@schlicht, if she’s the stalker then you’ve got it made buddy.

10:21 am September, 8 Mrs. Robinson said...

Douchebk

10:24 am September, 8 Hurl Scheibe said...

I think it calls for further investigation. That’s quality thigh suckle nuzzle gnaw. And what if he is the gay? He might be, and then it’s all good.

10:24 am September, 8 Mrs. Robinson said...

^Whoops. Was laughing so hard a Douchble Helix’s post I hit the submit button prematurely. Anyway, isn’t this site a RUSH fan dating site? It’s the only reason I’m on here.

10:24 am September, 8 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

In my humble and slightly stoned opinion, this dude is the first I’ve seen on here that I find intimidating. The rest are skinny or gay or drunk or too big to land a punch before you run away and hit them from behind. This guy is a halfdouche.
,
As far as MC 900’s query. Fraternizing with douche is 9/10ths of the bleeth.

10:28 am September, 8 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^The guy with the bandana is kind of menacing too. RUSH rules the world!
.
Phonecians

10:30 am September, 8 Baron Von Goolo said...

Oh please. He bangs her more than a toddler bangs a frying pan.

10:35 am September, 8 Capt. James T. Douche said...

I concur with Vin Douchal and Rev Chad, she is guilty by association!

10:37 am September, 8 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Boss, I think you forgot the case of Harry v Sally: Men and wimmin can’t be “besties” because the sex ALWAYS gets in the way. Even if they’re not that hott, you’d still bang most of them so ergo, she is bleeth.

11:03 am September, 8 Roark said...

If you want to go home frustrated after listening to her cry on your shoulder about how her “friend” just can’t see a good thing when it’s crawling up his chest, then by all means make a play for her.

11:13 am September, 8 Mrs. Robinson said...

@Doctor Bunsen, I’m gonna have to agree with you on that one. Plus, I may not be the most physically demonstrative person in public in general (see aforementioned Howard Hughes Syndrome) but I would never pose with a straight guy who was just a friend like that. Then again I have been known to just high five my family goodbye as well. What? Gramma sneezed three hours earlier.
.
And agree with Baron, skins are being hit harder than a PETA member at a furrie convention.

11:16 am September, 8 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

He’s been hittin’ that shit off and on for a couple of years. First as a “maybe” boyfriend she thought was “cute,” then, for like, maybe a month, as a “committed relationship” (or so she thought), she being committed to oiling his abs and waxing his weenie, in exchange for the promise of the relationship “stability” she thinks she wants. He was mainly committed to getting some easy poontang in exchange for his “promises” of devotion…every time he felt the need to release some man mustard.
.
Now they’ve devolved into the occasional bootie call while he drunkenly pretends to be “confused” over what he really wants…when what he really wants is her younger sister.
.
.
.To be perfectly clear on this: I’d fuck her first and clear all of this up later.
.
.
.Fingerquotes

11:16 am September, 8 jonezy said...

Rev- it would be easier if you just noted to us the times of only your most lucid sobriety. The constant reminder that you’re half way down the rabbit hole just drives the nail deeper that I’m stuck here at work.
.
That dude won the projectile bean farting contest at the 1996 New Jersey state fair- 16′ 7″ – coincidentally also the distance needed to circumnavigate both of Desiree’s gong mufflers.

11:47 am September, 8 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Notta pass? Sounds like a few of you got into the Rev’s weed. Fake dog tags, 10 lbs watch, mandana, oversized mirrored douche goggles, smug look, phone in hand to catch that urgent call, can of generic energy drink or unknown malt beverage in other hand. I was already throwing these two in the weekly.

MC900: She’s hot, but not worth all the baggage.

11:59 am September, 8 DarkSock said...

She’s boiled his rabbits.

12:41 pm September, 8 Troy Tempest said...

She gargles his jizz. BLEETH.

1:23 pm September, 8 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

No chance at a ride in the pleasure tunnel is worth exposure to DIV-Douche Immunodeficiency Virus. Once infected there is no cure. You hang a round her and what ooze will slowly creep onto you. She gives you your own drw rag cuase she thinks he looks cool in one. Then the tags, next thing you know you are having a siezure called guido dance. Just stay away. There are more fish in the sea and by fish I mean Muff and sea and mean any local Target store.

2:41 pm September, 8 Steve L. said...

i’m trying to picture what my life would be like if i give a shit about dating websites.









so with that said:
YOU’RE A LOSER MAGNET YOU DUMBFUCK.
.
you’re welcome.

7:26 pm September, 8 Stephanie said...

Don’t forget,just because she’s noted him as a friend doesn’t mean squat. When a women refers to a man as a friend he is already the unfuckable. Don’t let a muscle bound worry you,those guys develop muscles and no brains.

8:09 pm September, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

He’s been all up in dat shit. I promise you. No girl poses like that with a dude and calls him her ‘bestie’ unless he’s plowed her field.

12:51 am September, 9 Douchble Helix said...

And there you have it. A mere 43 minutes apart, the distaff side tells what we need to know: He’s unfuckable. But he’s been fucking her.
Thanks for sorting that all out for us, ladies!!

1:03 am September, 11 Whoop-di-douche said...

And besides, she’s wearing the sleeveless version of a French sailor’s shirt, so that’s a big no-go. She’ll keel-haul ya.

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