Saturday, September 3, 2011

Comment of the Week: Douche Wayne

Douche Wayne invects on the state of youth marketing and consumer product fetishization in last week’s ‘Bag Daddy ‘Bag thread and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week.

——
As I stroll through the New Jersey malls with my own sons searching for stores that still sell cd’s, I witness these crimes firsthand.

Jackass “fathers” dressing their own children like jackasses. Small children with small hats with small tilts. I’ve seen toddlers wearing gold chains and wifebeaters.

Nikes come in sizes clearly not designed for children who actually old enough to walk, yet the price of those shoes assume they have already started NBA careers. It’s not just the males; 4-year old bleeths are rampant making my wife and I not-so-secretly thankful we don’t have daughters.

I weep inside, knowing that those children, much like those born into street gangs (Blood drop fo’evah, yo), don’t stand a chance.

I remind my boys of their grandfather’s sage observation: “No one is completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.”
———

# posted by douchebag1
12:43 pm September, 3 Mr. White said...

Ma’am, I’m going to need to check your ID. First with my hand, and then with my tongue.

12:51 pm September, 3 McWhatadouche said...

Your grandfather should have been president

1:15 pm September, 3 tall guy said...

Top titties! Also, strolling around most local malls I observe the same. Even the posh malls – if there is such a thing – are rife with prime examples of the sullied douche gene pool being passed from generation to generation. And not just visually either. Vocally, these specimens are as hyperbolic as Baptist ministers.

1:19 pm September, 3 Capt. James T. Douche said...

I never liked Guy Fieri anyway I knew he’d end up on this website eventually!

1:29 pm September, 3 tall guy said...

Anyway, bit of Sunday morning music courtesy of the golden pipes of Lloyd Cole and the Commotions

ps hope the link works.

1:36 pm September, 3 Et Tu Douche? said...

Congrats Douche Wayne, well said.
.
I personally don’t think baby daddy’s are even deservent of being called bag, they’re worse. Any bag worth his salt is striving to mack on hot’s or at least bleeths that have somewhat alluring bodies that cause your inner monologue to utter dirty thoughts about all the naughty things you would to them if you had the chance and then in mid stream curse them for being with a D-Bag. The baby daddy doesn’t aspire to this. They seem drawn to the dumpy, pale, sun dodging type chicks, who’ve been smoking Marlboro reds since they were 14 and say things like “Oh no you didn’t” or “Oh hell no” with maternal instincts and elicits no inner monologue lust.
.
The attribute the baby daddy most covets is a chick with a work ethic better then his, translated she has a menial job and he doesn’t. She pays for most everything and occasionally he’ll chip in. While a true bag is out on the town or at the beach searching for conquests and getting hammered the baby daddy is content to sit around his baby mommas apartment, while she’s at work, with his boys, playing video games and smoking shitty weed he purchased with the money he “borrowed” from his gf’s dresser that when confronted by her he swears he’ll pay her back.
.
K-Fed was an exception he was calculated and knew he was going after the brass ring ie; her money. The garden variety baby daddy is a dope with with no ambition and a burdensome blight on society.

1:38 pm September, 3 Et Tu Douche? said...

I hate baby daddy’s!!!!

1:41 pm September, 3 Et Tu Douche? said...

Young Morrisey, in pic above, before he came out of the closet?

1:54 pm September, 3 Anonymous said...

Gramps was right. And it saddens me that there are 4 year old bleeth toddling amongst us.

2:15 pm September, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

As the unofficial assistant self-appointed ombudsman I have noticed four things in the last 24 hours:
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1) That fucker in this picture doesn’t have lenses in his glasses. It’s not fucking Halloween Brad Shitt or Gay Fieri so fuck off!
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2) That song I just linked to, although I am a fan of 80-‘s schlock, filled me with an unnatural rage to kill the younger version of myself.
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3) We should follow family Christmas party tradition. We don’t speak of politics. We don’t speak of religion unless making fun of one. We don’t look at what is going on in uncle Chad’s pants.
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4) She has really nice boobs like the thousands I saw at a waterpark.
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5) I’m stoned.
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Happy Labour Day

2:16 pm September, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^c.c. Douchey Wallnuts

2:32 pm September, 3 Et Tu Douche? said...

I agree with the Rev concerning 3). I come to this site for the wit, laughter, etc. No need to discuss politics.

2:45 pm September, 3 tall guy said...

That’s a bloody good link, Kroeger! Looks like you really enjoyed it.

3:06 pm September, 3 Douchble Helix said...

It’s DB1’s blog. We are his guests.

3:58 pm September, 3 Douchie Spellcheck said...

People who write “daddy’s” [sic], “hot’s” [sic], but “bleeths”. Do you ask for hot dog’s at the ballpark, as well? Jesus Fucking Christ.

Look, people. Stupid = autodouche.

4:07 pm September, 3 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Douchie Spellcheck,

Calm down

4:11 pm September, 3 CountDouchila said...

“No one is completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.”

My only reason for being. I am a bad example for others, and darn proud of it.

4:50 pm September, 3 troy tempest said...

Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel
.

.
So, that’s how my day has been. Fuckin’ food tastes like poo and my butt itches.

5:00 pm September, 3 Anonymous said...

@ Douchie Spellcheck, yes, I do all of those things. Is that bad? Or is it badder?

5:27 pm September, 3 DarkSock said...

I agree with the Rev concerning 5). I come to this site for the wit, laughter, and I’d love me some chicken and waffles right now.
.
Scored a bag of cancer weed off me Mum.

5:47 pm September, 3 Doucheywallnuts said...

The unofficial self-appointed ombudsman checking in in between G&Ts and during college football timeouts to add to the Most Right Rev’s comments. Here are some musings.

1) Notre Dame football is proof that there is no God. There isn’t a bigger group of God suck-ups this side of the original “Apostles” and yet they still suck.

2) Guys who bleach (not bleeth) their hair need to either shave their forearms or bleach their forearm hair.

3) Douchey Spellcheck is a great name.

4) I applaud the young loser generation because it’s going to be easier for my kids to be successful.

5) Whoever designs Oregon’s uniforms is a heavy acid user.
.
Peyotes
.

5:48 pm September, 3 Doucheywallnuts said...

Oh, and blasphemy is a victimless crime.

5:50 pm September, 3 Doucheywallnuts said...

And remember, on Southwest Airlines bags fly free….

6:11 pm September, 3 Steve L. said...

in all the years i’ve spent getting a Bachelor of Political Science from the University of British Columbia, i’ve learned 2 golden rules:
.
1) if you raise your hand all the time in class, you have an ego and douchebag issue.
2) if talking about politics got you laid, there’s a 90% probability that you did so with the most depressing liberal talking points, you fucking douchebag. i’m sorry but that has to be said.

6:18 pm September, 3 McWhatadouche said...

I ask for frankfooters at the ball park

6:18 pm September, 3 Steve L. said...

at the end of the day, though, politics didn’t do shit for me personally. conservatives will tell you to get a job, and liberals will tell you to get a university degree. neither worked out, so that’s why i’m an ironworker. where we take pride in doing America’s very worst jobs.
.
FUCKERS.

6:19 pm September, 3 Steve L. said...

huh? let’s try again.

6:20 pm September, 3 Steve L. said...

there we go.
ironworkers. doing America’s worst jobs since the invention of cranes.

6:22 pm September, 3 Steve L. said...

and lest i forget: props to the great dad that is Douche Wayne.
.
i probably won’t be as good a father. i just hope that if an unfortunate pregnancy occurs after a drunken fuck, it was with a hot chick that i got more than a few good fucks out of.
.
what?

6:51 pm September, 3 Anonymous said...

@ Steve L. 6:22p, I am currently swooning. I thought romance was dead.

8:02 pm September, 3 Doucheywallnuts said...

Steve L’s above statement and this advertisement just proves that romance is not dead.
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http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3226/2715556075_a9d6b07420.jpg
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Gentlemen

9:26 am September, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Glad I missed all the bullshit this weekend. I gotta work today and don’t care about anybody’s politics or their view of fuccen Labor Day. Nor should you care about mine. This is a site where we come to blow off steam, make fun of douches, and occasionally laugh (nicely) at each other. Let’s keep it that way. Remember kids, opinions are like assholes; we all have ’em and they all stink.

8:23 am September, 6 Douche Wayne said...

Many thanks to DB1 for the nod and all the positive comments. Glad I’m good for something besides the occasional haiku.
To those of you who are parents, even to those of you without your own children but who come into contact with impressionable young minds, a wise man once said, “Knowing is half the battle.”
Since you’re already here, you already know. Make sure they do as well, or all is lost.

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