Thursday, September 22, 2011

D.J. Assholio

Q: What happens to the Assholios you knew in high school?

A: They grow up to become this guy.

Can someone explain what the hell these Pocahontas headgear things are that are showing up on the boobie hottie suckle thighs these days? I can’t tell whether to stalk them on Facebook or ask Tom Mix to do a rope trick.

Yeah, that was a Tom Mix reference.

I’mma go back to bed.

# posted by douchebag1
7:00 am September, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

There’s something porny about this Pocahontas. I’d almost be willing to bet it’s Catalina, but she looks too coherent.
.
Assholio looks like a giant sperm.

7:09 am September, 22 Douchie Spellcheck said...

“Tom Mix wept.”

7:29 am September, 22 Paula AskCole said...

Where have all the cowboys like Tom Mix gone? The only thing I would want from DJ Jazzy Douche are his headphones. He can keep his tiny O-face to himself or give it to his friend DJ Deejay.

7:33 am September, 22 YA said...

I think the headbands are supposed to be a kind of 60’s-70’s-retro thing. Hipster gear.

7:33 am September, 22 Douche Wayne said...

By restricting blood flow to the hottbrain, the Pocahontas headgear ensures that the relatively bright female of the species does not accidentaly let loose an utterance that will cause the dimmer males to realize she’s, like, way smarter than he is.

Example:

Male: “This club is dope.”
Female: “For what they’re charging for bottle service I could fully stock my bar at home with top shelf spirits.”
Male: “What?”
Female: “What? Uh, nevermind.”
*tightens headband*
“The DJ is playing my JAM, come dance with me!! WOOHOOOO!!!!”
Male: “Damn straight!”

7:48 am September, 22 Ferris said...

Because after a long day of pumping gas and taking GED courses at the local adult ed center, nothing takes the edge off like stealing sunglasses from a welder, and stepping up the the “wheels of steel” to spin some M.C. Rob Bass and DJ E-Z Rock.

And because it does, in fact, take two to make a thing go right.

7:56 am September, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Recipe for fun:
– Take one half-pint DJ Assholio
– Drop into Ministry of Sound
– Spin vigorously with Hall and Oates and Air Supply
– Sit back and chill as ultra-violence ensues

7:56 am September, 22 Vin Douchal said...

Albinio

8:12 am September, 22 Paula AskCole said...

Oh yeah I’m female, I’m supposed to know about the headband trend. Yeah, I have no idea. YA is probably right though. Although I would only wear one if I needed it for the situation in Douche Wayne’s comment. “Top shelf spirits” FTW.

8:27 am September, 22 DarkSock said...

Jennifer Jiffy-Pop Head grins maliciously behind Ray Charles after her bleach-in-his-bodywash prank.

8:29 am September, 22 DarkSock said...

Look at the head on that one…here’s a picture of her dad:
DFS

8:32 am September, 22 Hurl Scheibe said...

Speaking of cowboys, what is it with this latest Nashville trend that you take a douchebag, put a flannel shirt and a dirty truck stop mesh hat and presto – you have country music?

@ Dude – DJ Assholio could also use some front row tickets to a Ministry Reunion Concert, a bullseye on his face, and one of Al Jourgensen’s famous balloons filled with urine.

8:32 am September, 22 Capt. James T. Douche said...

He looks like he has ass breath, farts alot and survives on a steady diet of hot pockets and taco bell.

8:35 am September, 22 Barron von Douchehoven said...

Don’t be mislead, that’s just DJ Doouchie Howser, M.D. and princess pecan (yes the one whom can pick up any selected pecan fromst a glass coffee table with her labia minora).
.
she can also tie a knot in a 60lb bungee cord with her uterus .. true story.

8:50 am September, 22 jonezy said...

I think she has an uncanny similarity to trollface

8:51 am September, 22 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

Corky from “Life Goes On” has always been into music. It’s good to see him making the move to the DJ world, he’s got the necessary brainpower for that field.

8:52 am September, 22 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

Goddamn HTML.

8:54 am September, 22 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

Pocohontas has a five-head.

8:56 am September, 22 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

The whole “DJ as mega-cool thing” has always left me cold, but I’ve always attributed my perplexity to a generational thing.
.
.
If you drive around Vegas, you’ll see billboards announcing “DJSuxubus” or “DJ MasterSphincter” all over the friggin’ place — pounding the tom-toms to push the HCwDB crowd to our plethora of soft-porn pleasure emporiums (meaning: the forced-fun of our day- and nightclub scene).
.
.For twenty years, though, one thought has stayed in my head: Whassup with making “stars” out of weenies who put together playlists? .
.
.”Oh, Oh…we just HAVE to go to Haze (ReHab, Tryst….) tonight to see (hear? dance to?) the songs that Paul FoldedDick has strung together! His list of songs he downloaded is so rad…”
.
.Big fucking whoop. And yes, I’m dating myself…but all these nerds do is PLAY FUCKING RECORDS!!! *&^%^)^%&0-)((&.
.
.and for this they score tasty, prime of their pussies, hotts? There is no god.
.
.Oh yeah, and I wouldn’t fuck the “hott” above with Medusa Oblongata’s dick.
.
.
.”Moby”

9:03 am September, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

^Hafta agree. I’d like to launch a bottle rocket at every douche who sports a ‘tude and acts like a celeb because he knows a hundred words that rhyme with ‘yo’ and can put together a playlist about as effectively as iTune’s genius feature. Gimme live music of any type, any quality, any day over that dreck.

9:33 am September, 22 Vin Douchal said...

@ Hurl
.
Nashville is to country music what Lady Gaga is to rock. It’s pop. It’s pap. With the occassional exception (Billy Currington, George Strait and Tim McGraw for instance) Nashville acts are modestly talented pretty boys and girls produced in the music and photo studio playing characters the same as Marilyn Manson does in the rock genre. Rarely are they singer/songwriters or play an instrument
.
The best country music is found in the underlying market, not the mega-acts with millions invested and therefore shoved down the throats of the radio listening public. When this is all your exposed to , you pick what you like out of that set. Same as Rap/Hip Hop. That stuff is drivel to a musician but then a truly talented performer like Eminem emerges to grant legitimacy to the art form.
.
No, today true country music is produced in places like the Red Dirt area and the Mid West with Texas being the capital. It’s called Alt-Country (Outlaw Country or Americana, too) as it is the alternative for soupy, sappy, overhyped crap. Spend a day at RadioIO.com on their free Alt-Country channel to hear some great stuff
.
Whether it’s grizzled veteran acts like Lucinda Williams, Bruce or Charlie Robison, Chris Knight , David Allan Coe or John Anderson or the latest incarnation of Southern Rock: The Drive By Truckers, any band with Cody Canada in it, Wilco , The Jayhawks, Reckless Kelly, My Morning Jacket or The Bottle Rockets , country music has never been stronger for the serious Rock/Country/Jam Band music fan.
.
You just have to shut off the radio and for God’s sake stay away from CMT and GAC on TV.
.

.
.
.
If you ask me, the best band that you aren’t listening to out there is Umphrey’s McGee. Phenomenal musicians and Jake Cinninger is a Guitar God. Not country by any stretch , however

9:38 am September, 22 Vin Douchal said...

BTW, anyone else out there have the new Jayhawks cd ? I’m floored , it’s awesome.

10:32 am September, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Boss
.
I call these hair thingies “BJ bands” because most chicks are apparently too lazy to use “scrunchies” anymore. This way you just slip it over your melon and the hair doesn’t get in the way.
.
@ Vin
.
Totally good call. I stopped listening to music in 1994. I find very few interesting acts/groups anymore. To me country is Merle Haggard, Hank Williams (not his fuccen son), Johnny Cash, etc. I’ll even go for some bluegrass when in the proper mood. The same thing happened in the 80’s with “hair metal”. Any ass that wore spandex, had a guitar (let alone play more than 2 actual chords), and could “sing” about “partying” and have a “power ballad” got a contract. Backlash was grunge. Then the flannel brigade. Then rap/hip hop. The music industry machine will just keep going on and on trying to cram shit down our throats. That’s why I stopped listening.

10:44 am September, 22 idfma said...

When did Doogie Houser become a DJ?

10:55 am September, 22 Paula AskCole said...

Hate to break it to you Doctor Bunsen, those BJ bands would do nothing to keep hair out of the way during enthusiastic felatio. You are aware of the physics involved in a BJ I hope. I know you’re married…but still…

11:05 am September, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

@VIn
You Da Man!!!!!!, picked up another Bottle Rockets Cd “Not So Loud: An Acoustic Evening With The Bottle Rockets” and it’s quite good. As for Umphreys they played last night here in the Burgh but alas I didn’t get to see them. As for the Jayhawks their new album is the featured album of the week on the local listener support radio station and they’ll be in town mid October I’m gonna check them out. Keep up the good suggestions.

11:08 am September, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

Apropos of nothing but seeing that good music is being discussed, Scored me a pair of Ohm “L” Speakers & a Garrard GT-35 turntable at hte local thrift for a whopping total of $15 not including taxes. A little DYI and some minor repairs and I’ll be rocking the vintage again. Just need to find me a minty Luxman.

11:10 am September, 22 Vin Douchal said...

@ Et Tu
.
A while back you asked about the Jayhawks but I didn’t deliver. You still want cd advice?

11:26 am September, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Vin

Yes with regards to Jayhawks advice

11:39 am September, 22 Douche Springsteen said...

@ Vin,
nice write up on the state of modern country music. I don’t even waste my breath anymore when it comes to people who stand by their “country sucks” stance without ever having listened to a note of decent country music. I’m seeing the Jayhawks on tour this fall for the first time and am very excited. If you’ve not heard of Doug Paisley, The Magnolia Electric Co. or Lucero I would highly recommend them. Doug Paisley is more folky than country really, but he has kind of a Neil Young thing going on, beyond just being Canadian.

@ Et Tu, I think a couple great starting points for The Jayhawks are Hollywood Town Hall and Blue Earth.

And I blame Joanna Newsom and Florence & The Machine, etc. for the trend of hottie suckle-thighs wearing the thin leather headband thing.

11:40 am September, 22 Douche Springsteen said...

Oh, and Slim Cessna’s Auto Club will completely floor you if you’ve never heard them before. Probably the most exciting live band out there right now but their studio stuff is great too.

11:49 am September, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Paula
.
I just call them that . However if you have any video of this “enthusiastic fellatio” that you’re willing to share with the group…

12:40 pm September, 22 Vin Douchal said...

@ Et Tu- Grab your I-Pad and take this one in the shitter to read:
.
The Jayhawks come in three flavors: “Early Stuff”, “The Sans-Olson Years” and “The Smile CD and the lessons of Big Label Whoredom”.
.
.
1)Most big time Jayhawks fan will point to the early years as the most experimental and groundbreaking time in their career arc. If you like a dash of Crosby-Stills-Nash-y pop harmony lines and the toe tapping drive of the mid-70’s acoustic guitar/piano fueled Rolling Stones mixed with American country rock influences “Tomorrow The Green Grass” will impress.
.
Competent, compelling writing and playing run the gamut from rockers to truly beautiful compositions like “Blue” ( the “hit” off of this one) and “Nothing Left To Borrow” .
.
The cross section of styles on this cd require multiple listens like when you first get a Steely Dan album and think they all sound the same until after spinning it a few times it grows on you and the separation becomes noticable. This cd is the unmistakable highlight of their early years
.
.
2)When founding member Mark Olson left the band to marry and hang out with the weird Victoria Williams , he moved to secluded Joshua Tree in the California desert to ease her diagnosis of MS, about as far removed from their Minnesota home as you could get. Gary Louris, the better player and singer of the two, kept the act together.
.
Sans-Olson, Louris’ creativity absolutely exploded. This era to me is my fave. “The Sound of Lies” was the first release at that point, but:
.
The last cd the Jayhawks made prior to their recent hiatus was “Rainy Day Music” which took Louris’ compositions to a higher level by bringing in Stephen McCarthy to play the lead guitar/pedal steel/banjo (yes banjo) adding up to their most clever guitar play/ most musical album to date . All the songs he wrote for this release are deep, well thought out masterpieces of contemplative singer / songwriter genius.
.
The best song on this disc is “All The Right Reasons” by a nose over “Angelyne” , a tune I love so much my band covers it

12:41 pm September, 22 Scrotation Marks said...

This guy looks like a young Douche Bledsoe.

12:45 pm September, 22 Vin Douchal said...

Oops. Here’s All The Right Reasons
.
.

3) However, at the risk of being vilified by ‘hawks purists, “Smile” is a guilty pleasure of mine. Finally, a label sunk some cash into one of their projects even bringing in Pink Floyd and Alice Cooper producer, Bob Ezrin. Like most big time producers, he steals writing credits on a lot of tunes and some songs sound a LOT like shit he’s done before. The tradeoff is there’s also a lush vocal landscape on all the harmonies and I have to admit the production is incredible
.
Three of the absolutely strongest songs in Louris’ history are on this cd. Is it Ezrin’s influence? “Smile”, “Better Days” and “Broken Harpoon” are all search worthy at YouTube and in my all-time Top 10 Jayhawks tunes
.
.
In summary , probably the one to start with is “Rainy Day Music” unless you want to hear the Jayhawks from their roots then go with “Tomorrow The Green Grass” but buy it with “Hollywood Town Hall” as they go together like The Beatles “Revolver” and “Rubber Soul”
.
Save “Smile” until you grow a taste for these guys. It’s out of left field and not like anything else they’ve ever done but as a stand-alone release it’s strong.

12:46 pm September, 22 Vin Douchal said...

Shit I did it again = Smile

1:00 pm September, 22 The Dude said...

I gotta complaint about douchey DJs. One fine Sunday, I was on the roof of the Standard, downtown LA. There were many HCwDBs, and there was “DJ” playing this monotonous club beat.
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I approached him and asked if he could change it up, maybe play some Thomas Mapfumo or Cesaria Evora or some other African shit.
.
“DJ” says, “it is what it is.”
.
Meaning, he was prancing around Milli Vanilli-ing a fucking playlist.
.
What a loser. Now I know what the “D” stands for in “DJ”.

1:04 pm September, 22 The Dude said...

Oh, and I would Poke a hontas. The head band keeps her hair out of the way during the oral preparatory activity.

1:28 pm September, 22 Paula AskCole said...

@The Dude 1:04p enlighten me. It’s been awhile. What is the oral preparatory activity? Is it a candlelight dinner?

2:33 pm September, 22 Hurl Scheibe said...

Vin –

You and I are musical soul mates, my friend. I love DBT. At the risk of being tagged autodouche for having a tat, I do have a Wes Freed inspired tattoo on my left arm.

I’ve seen DBT 10 times, Wilco, Son Volt. Just saw Steve Earle last week, Lucinda last month, and am off to see the Jayhawks next month. I’ve seen Reckless Kelly 4 times, had beers with Willie Braun, seen CCR twice, the Departed once. Hell there are too many to remember. I play in a band that features nothing but the best of Red Dirt Rock. We cover that entire genre and write in the same vain. One name you did not mention that I’d like throw out at you is Paul Thorn. Guy used to box, and fought Roberto Duran. Youtube Paul Thorn and Long Way From Tupelo. It’s a great song.

My love of country music is best described thusly – I love Hank Williams and Hank Williams, III. Bosephus I can do without.

3:04 pm September, 22 Vin Douchal said...

@ Hurl
.
I am familiar with the power of Paul Thorn’s tunes. My fave is Love Scar , a masterpiece of regret about all the wrong reasons to get a tatt.
.
I also am digging Jason Isbell’s new stuff with The 400 Unit although it’s a lot different from DTB .
.
Also didn’t mention Shooter Jennings, whose first few albums featured the fine guitar work of Leroy Powell from out my neck of the woods, Redlands, CA. Shooter is a bitter man when it come’s to being anti-Nashville and a great spokesman for the cause.
.
Although it’s funny that when I saw Jennings’ show live it was warming up Toby Keith, the biggest earner in Country Western for ten years running

3:52 pm September, 22 Hurl Scheibe said...

It is. Jason is a fantastic songwriter. BTW, I sent you a message via your Facebook page. Check it out, it has some more music information that you might like.

Shooter and Hank III are the boils on Nashville’s sorry butt. That’s why I love them both!!

8:23 pm September, 22 Stephanie said...

Blind DJ? So,how does he know what he’s playing?
One might slip a record into his box and he’ll suddenly be playing Styx.

9:39 pm September, 22 Steve L. said...

right now i’m biased towards Tom Mix rope tricks. and a hangman’s noose for Assholios.

12:09 pm September, 24 ass said...

that little queer!

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