Monday, September 12, 2011

HCwDB of the Month

Today’s a big day. Four unique slices of mold choad. Four intriguing battles for hottie/douchey supremacy. But I need your help. Which of the following four couplings of intestinal disorder is most deserving of competing at the 2011 Douchie Awards for HCwDB of the Year in December?

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate

Bringing two quality pics of Vegasian poolbaggery to the game, including Joey Lumpcrustowitz Gives You the Finger, here there be odiousness.

From tattoo Jesus Bling to spikey hair in the pool.

From hottie suckle thigh to spanky poochle slap.

Here there be Vegas asswippery.

And here there be waitress who aspires to model.

Together, boobies and stupid tatts.

Like the early alchemy that formed the Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup. Or the great Bob Ueker moderating Tastes Great / Less Filling debates of the mid 1980s.

A strong, strong, first entry.

But if you think this pairing is toxic, there’s three more to go.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Wankus McHannibul and Pearielle

Party boi festercrud here once starred in an Australian Biker Film.

No, not “Mad Max.”

It was a lesser known straight-to-video release called “Sucky Bald Douchebag On a Bike.”

Worth Netflixing, though.

It had a fine early performance from Thandie Newton in it as the hot chick.

Yup.

No idea what I’mma saying anymore.

But leather tie, even if this is Paid-to-Douche professional entertainment, is still ubermockworthy.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Chernobros and Cathy

This nuclear meltdown of douche sandwich is the rare “bros” pic in the Monthly.

But do not let the fact we have two ‘bags instead of one split or otherwise distract your vote.

Look at that chin fung. Come on now, people. That’s the sucky suck.

For together, like the Wonder Twins, the Chernobros alter the DNA of all those in the fallout radius and form a collective poo turd.

Cathy is sweet, cute, giggly, and viably holding up the hott side of the equation, even if lacking in Pear thickage.

Together, can this trivection oven hold up in the Monthly?

One more to go:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Sir Ivan, Ashley and Ananda

Olbaggery representin’.

Ashley and Ananda are gazelle paid to pose gnaw legs of poochy slap.

Sir Ivan has a homepage that looks like this.

Can a paid-to-buffoon Oldbag make it to the Yearly?

It’s tough competition.

As the DB1 enjoys a tasty bowl of Frosted Flakes and reclines on a stained and saggy sofa while contemplating the bleak crises of postmodern corporeal denature, it’s your turn.

Which of these four pics deserves entrance into the Yearly?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:05 am September, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Number One, because I imagine, based on the cartoon stars, that our beloved Medusa is just outside the picture frame tongue punching the bejebus out of Kate’s slippery slide.

7:09 am September, 12 saulgoode42 said...

Um, Sir Ivan by like, 20 million light years? Sir Ivan is blue-blood douchery. There is no word in common tongues for the quantity and quality of hotts an uber-rich wacko like Ivan can pull.

7:09 am September, 12 Ted Brogan said...

Joey and Kate for sure.

Pearielle is too leathery. Right Chernobro is wearing a plain t-shirt and Kathy is not what would be considered “hot.” Ivan, you put up a good fight. And your website definitely helped. But you are self-aware of your joke.

7:16 am September, 12 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I’m voting for the hotts, like I always do.
.
Cathy: too bleethy.
.
Pearielle: probably an “exotic” dancer, and likely a bleeth. Nice pear, however, but an insufficient body of work.
.
Kate: oh, Kate, you’re probably a bleeth, given your tatts and the douche you’re hanging with. But you’re a prime example of the douchedox: I want to hold his head under while I nibble gently on your skin.
.
Ashley and Ananda: FTW, and by win I mean “those dresses are short and that white one is wonderfully sheer”. And I got to support us old fucks, so even tho I’d put my steel-toed boot in Sir Ivan’s ass and kick him to the curb, I’ll give him my vote of non-confidence.

7:19 am September, 12 Spmock said...

Joey and Kate make me want to do the Vulcan death pinch on myself. So yes, they win.

7:33 am September, 12 Mr. White said...

Sir Ivan, because I celebrate that old Barry Manilow bag for making it through the rain. Also, his chicks are the only ones that don’t make Little Mr. White try to crawl inside my abdomen and hide. Although they probably should.

7:34 am September, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Wow!!! all worthy contestants so were do I begin?
.
The first to go has to be Sir Ivan Oldbag and his PtP’s. Old men with money & chicks with no morals chasing that old man money is definitely fail but not rage inducing.
.
Wankus McHannibul and Pearielle, is some sort of bachelor party that never quite got off the ground. I’m mean seriously she has more clothes on then he does. Honorable mention to the Dude for nailing the guy in the background as “William H. Macy in red beard disguise”
.
Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate are both vile to say the least. They are classic, narcissistic Vegas pool scum. She is not hot in my book and thus does not induce rage.
.
FTW, I’m going with the The Chernobros and Cathy. I do believe the live up to HCwDB maxim. I still wanna believe she’s a milf if not she’s still pretty hott in a out of town for the weekend, drunken one night stand kinda way. Her pooch belly and subtle naturals calls to me and by calls to me I mean I bet she enjoys yogurt glazing. The Chernobros bring the bag hard with an assortment of adouchrements such as the fake dog tags, the Bag Heuer watch, odd variation of the shmedium moob t-shirt, etc;. This toxic combination is indeed rage inducing and thus my pick for the win/fail.

7:47 am September, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

^ I just wanted to in Wankus McHannibul and Pearielle, she’s got a great ass and kudo’s to the lonely URC in the background.

7:52 am September, 12 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Kate’s too bleethy to inspire rage, and Wankus’
photo was likely taken a split second before the bouncers at Grinder’s Gentleman’s Club beat the shit out of him for touching the dancer. So, they’re out.

I more want to shake Ivan’s hand for living it up at his advanced age, so that leaves the Chernebro brothers.

7:53 am September, 12 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate FTW! This guy sucks, and I bet he knows it.

8:03 am September, 12 Douchble Helix said...

Try to picture Cathy’s life. 30 years ago, she was “it”. And had been for a ‘just right’ amount of time. Livin’ large.
.
But that was 30 years ago. And she had no second act. So, she’s still out there, with these ‘bags.
.
I give her credit for not being dead or all hagged out, but leather-skinned, blond and half-naked is no way to go through life, miss.
.
Cathy and the Chernebro brothers ftl.

8:14 am September, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Sir Ivan! La, la, la, la, la, kick to the head.

8:25 am September, 12 melvil_duchi said...

Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate

8:29 am September, 12 Douche of Hazard said...

Sir Ivan. Total douche and only in his mid fifties.

8:34 am September, 12 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Joey L FTW (loss)

8:55 am September, 12 The Dude said...

I gotta give the nod (slap) to Joey Lumps and the arched-back Kate FTW. Lumpy is absolutely sure he made the right choices at the tattoo parlor, and for that, we’ll probably have to consider him once again in December.
.
The pupae that are the Chernobros do look smug enough to warrant serious consideration (mocking). Cathy doesn’t hold up unless you look at her through beer goggles. I have firsthand knowledge of this problem.
.
Wankus deserves a pass for being at a party with Wm H. Macy
.
And Sir Ivan, I continue to defend his cheerful pursuit of hotts young enough to be his granddaughters. Nottabag for the old guy.

9:10 am September, 12 Steve L. said...

of all the contestants, only Joey Lumpcrustowitz would claim to be a male model “just waiting for that gig” from Armani Exchange. and he would probably confuse many a hapless hotts with that line. just thinking about it results in cobalt radiation to the head.
.
therefore, Joey Lumpcrustowitz FTW and i could care less about snobbish dead end waitresses aspiring to model.

9:10 am September, 12 Steve L. said...

whoa i haven’t voted in a monthly since forever.

9:21 am September, 12 Your_moms_a_douche said...

Dude that is not funny and I DEMAND you take this picture down immediately! This is not funny DB1 you have crossed lines ! Sir Ivan’s parents are holocaust survivors!!! LEAVE IVAN ALONE!!!

9:23 am September, 12 Vin Douchal said...

I read Sir Ivan’s Wiki which informs us that his father was a Holocaust survivor that came to America destitue and penniless with nothing but the dogged determination to make the most of himself and rose to be the president of Trust Company of New Jersey and chairman of the Wilshire Oil Company of Texas.
.
Ivan had a priveledged upbringing and even had a bright future after going to law school.
.
And this is what he turned out to be. He is no different from any of the other layabout jumpoff douche spigots that frequent this site living off of their parents, only on a larger scale.
.
Fuck you, Ivan. You’re a disgrace to your family and your father’s legacy. No psuedo-charitable organization you established will un-taint the self-congratulatory “Playboy Mansion of the East Coast” you built or the me-first mental masturbation you created with “Peaceman” the super heroe [sic] . .
Your “music” sucks and is amateurish at best ( my apologies to amateurs).
.
No, you have wasted the chance to be a mensch like your father. For this a pox on you. And a runny nose
.
.
However, my vote for DB of the week has to be for Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate FTW
as he outsmugs the smuggest smugster that ever smugged his mealy way into our consciousness. You can’t unsee his horrible tatts nor the massive head trauma expression of a diaper wearing mental patient post-diaper filling.
.
Hate² directed at you Lumpy, go be an asshole somewhere else, I hear The DIrty.com is looking for poseurs. Kate? You can stay

9:23 am September, 12 icame isaw idouched said...

I was going to vote for wankus but then I realized he was looking at a guy off camera who had a 10 inch cock. Joey has what it takes though. FTW

9:53 am September, 12 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

My personal theory is that the happier the guy, the less of a douche he must be. That DQs Sir Ivan and Wankus — even though I’d like to introduce them both to one of my firm Ferragamo foots to their fuckwad asses — and Joey is all that we on this site love to hate…but come on….the pure, unabashed, cooler-than-you surliness of the Chernbros is truly inspirational.

And by “inspirational” I mean they inspire all of us to vomit onto the furry front seat of the low-rider they arrived in.

.
.Chernbros and Cathy FTM

10:10 am September, 12 Daggerbagger' said...

My vote goes for Joey. I must admit that my vote is strongly influenced by the jesus bling tattoo…. I mean what the fuck?? its also cleverly placed next to a demonic dragon and standard carbon-copy tribal mess. Would jeeus save him?: no, but would jeebus pull the plug of this Vegas pool and send the Joester a spinnin’ down the watery abyss from whence he came?: I hope so.

10:17 am September, 12 The Dude said...

uhmm, after looking at Sir Ivan’s website my opinion has faded from nottabag to whattabag.

10:27 am September, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Scrotato 7:05
You bet your bippy. Hence the photo. She was whispering to him, “Sorry, baby, gotta go. She’s making stars shoot out of my snatch, clearly she wins.”
.
And with that, I will also cast my vote for Joey Lumpcrustowitz. The double threat of the Chernobros tempts me; indeed, twice the scrotery deserves a nod. However, Cathy just doesn’t do it for me. The leathery, over-tanned skin, the haystack hair and too-large implants on an underfed frame…blecch. While Kate indeed seems to be a star-bellied Bleeth, I cannot pass the deadly combination of dark hair and fair skin. Such is the dream of my feveres, sexually confused adolescence, laying on the floor, watching my best gal-pal sleep. Wondering, as I focused on the feathery sweep of her lush, black lashes against the alabaster crescent of her cheekbone, would she ever respect me if I told her what I was thinking. Would she awaken if I were to steal a gentle kiss as she slept? Oh, woe is me for never finding out. Kate for the IVL.
.
I will bet any money that Joey’s real name is Brandon. Look at the wee chest tat. From what I know, that was his first, or among the first. No dude gets a tattoo of another dude’s name in good conscience, unless the dude has died. And then, there will always be a date or something, and the dude will repeatedly ask, “This doesn’t seem like it’s gay, does it?” So if a guy is straight (I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt) and has a small, solitary name on his chest, that means it’s his own name. I would bet a considerable amount of money on that, and throw in a home made apple pie to boot. Getting your own name tattooed on you = autoscrote. May God have little or no mercy on his soul, especially after that awful Jeebus bling tat.

10:31 am September, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Oh, and at your_moms_a_douche: Who gives a fuck what his parents were. That doesn’t exclude him from being mocked for what he is. No one is making fun of his father, we’re making fun of the douchenozzle he is, and I doubt his father would be pleased to see his money being frittered away in such an undignified and childish manner. Save the tears for the misfortunes of the father, this white-suited circus clown deserves nothing but the finest mock.

10:33 am September, 12 army (ret) douche said...

I cast my vote for joey and kate the bling tat is incomprehensible with a side of retardation

10:34 am September, 12 Colossus of Choads said...

The Chernobros.
Simply for their undeserved, radiating ‘tude.

10:41 am September, 12 FoghornLeghorn said...

Joey L. and Kate, for sure. I find myself imagining that she discarded her bikini bottom for this photo, and she is whispering my name in Joey’s ear. Pearielle is intriguing, but there is just too much going on in that picture for my brain to keep up with.

10:46 am September, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Joey Lumpcrustowitz, and his perfectly compatible bleeth ‘cuz he makes me hate. He exhibits each and every loathsome quality possible – do I really need to point them out? – and STDs ooze from his every pore.

11:00 am September, 12 Steve said...

Sir Ivan and his bleeths. Because he’s old, they’re young, and that’s life.

11:12 am September, 12 C.G. said...

Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate

and only because they actually look like people. the Oompa Loompa days of douche are long gone – FishSlap wouldn’t let these mutants hold his dick: Peariella’s leather on leather; The Cernobros from outer space; Ric Flair survives cancer.

11:17 am September, 12 Douche Springsteen said...

I’m voting for the Lumpcrust. The Chernobros make a strong case, what with the innovative chin fung, but 50 years from now, when Joey has no hair to gel & spike up and his limbs are too weak to lift his arm while wearing a six pound watch and his last breath escapes his body at the hospital, an orderly is going to strip him down and place him in the morgue and see his tribal flames / Jesus bling tattoo and think “What a douchebag.” That will happen to no other competitor and that alone should be enough for him to take the monthly.
Not to be overlooked is Kate, who may be a bleeth, but there is something to be said for an ample bosom straining against a bikini top.

11:31 am September, 12 Scrotation Marks said...

The fact that you were even able to scroll down after Joey and Kate means you are more a man than I. They define HCwDB and as such, get my vote. Two Scrote Marks up high.

11:47 am September, 12 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Joey for sure. The smugness and utter awareness of just what a rectalplug he is seals the deal, no pun intended.

11:51 am September, 12 RAPETIME said...

Pearielle is a Professional (you know exactly what I mean) and Cathy is a man. So those two are out. I like Sir Ivan, frankly. He’s old. So am I. You get the HC however you can past a certain age.

Ivan is past that age. I don’t respect him but I understand where he’s coming from.

So, really, I’m left with only one, and since it’s the one that is the most infuriating (as opposed to the most nausea-inducing, which would be The Chernobros in a walk) Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate are the “winners”.

May his twenty-pound watch drag him to the bottom of the pool, which will have to drained and sterilized afterwards. But it will all be worth it.

11:55 am September, 12 Wedgie said...

#1 has the hottest hottie. But Ivan really deserves it, and he will have the best chance in the yearly. So my vote goes to the White Russian, #4. Das vedanya, Comrades.

12:02 pm September, 12 Douchie Spellcheck said...

The chernobros are toxic douche meltdown, for sure, but leatherface there is a deal breaker. It’s hot chicks with douchebags for a reason.

Sir Ivan represents all that I’d like to be. If I ever win the lottery, or these stock options pay off, I plan to be the filthiest, horniest 12-inch-tounge horndog on planet Earth.

Midnight Oil there is just pathetic.

So Crusty LumpJerzowitz for the win. You can tell from the arch in her back that my aforesaid 12-inch-tounge has found Kate’s magic button. (“That tickles!” she coos.) It’s out of frame, but the full shot would also show my big toe reaming Crusty’s butthole. (You can tell from his “hmm, do I know this guy expression on his face.) Fun in Vegas!

12:05 pm September, 12 doucheblaster said...

If you took the minute to read Sir Ivans website hes kind of not a douche except for looking like a douche. Does rockstar leniencey rule absolve midlife crisis douche virus?

12:06 pm September, 12 Douchie Spellcheck said...

Tongue, goddamn it. Tongue. Though I also have a tounge, for what it’s worth.

1:29 pm September, 12 FirstTimeVoter said...

ChernoBros. They are disturbing. The one picture may not depict all that they are, if we ever got to see their full body of douche work…. we’d be impressed? Depressed?

1:40 pm September, 12 ehcuodouche said...

I think Joey gets the nod this month. Chernobros hott is way too orange and bleethed. I’m not into Sir Ivan’s tall and anorexic looks, and the stripper with Wankus looks like she’s considering a career change after brushing up against his bald pud. Joey is 100% American, Greater New York Borough doucheclown, who takes his two weeks off in between tuning up engines and bouncing other douchebags out of the club to take his special lady to Vegas for tanning poolside, gambling, shopping and spreading herpes. We might expect more originality that flipping the bird at the camera, but it’s this simple douchitude that makes America great, and can’t be replicated by the British, Mexican-Americans, or some sort of Aussie drongo.

2:23 pm September, 12 tall guy said...

There’s something about the Asian on Ivan’s left that I find odd. I guess I’m envisioning mainland China-style cabbage breath, broken English and a rampantly growing obsession with material values. I could be wrong, but just in case I’m not it’s a pass for Ivan & Co.
Of those remaining, Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate + The Chernobros and Cathy are neck’an’neck, with The Chernobros receiving bonus points for double douche delivery. But ultimately, Lumpcrustowitz must surely take the monthly. His semi-pursed lip/leer combo alone makes him a winner (loser), + Kate’s reworking of the term trailer trash makes her an ideal companion (bleeth) as the hick sidekick.
Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate FTW!

2:26 pm September, 12 tall guy said...

BTW, I’m an ‘Aussie drongo’

2:32 pm September, 12 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate FTW! Why? He IS societal fail and she desires to be with him. There is no way on God’s green Earth any other pairing can touch them. How bad do you wanna be a douche Joey? “So bad I can taste it bro!” What would you do to become the biggest douche in the world? the universe? “Anything man, ANYTHING man!” But why Joey, why? “Because it’s the only thing I’m good at. I was a skinny little nobody in high school that the band geeks picked on and even the janitor (thanks dad) would lock me in lockers and dump me head first into garbage cans. Once I got outta high school and started savin’ up from my paper route (I want my $2!), I could afford some steroids. So I started cutting people’s lawns and made more money. Now I could get a scooter to get to the mall and go to Hot Topic. There I met more douches and they they schooled me in their douchey ways. I was hooked man AND now I had friends. So why should I give that up now bro?” And Kate, what about you? Surely you could find someone, ANYone better. “Is he fuckin’ around with Shirley again??? That fucking skank. I’ll rip that bitch’s extensions right out. You watch!” Happiness is a warm gun.

2:41 pm September, 12 dbBen said...

Sir Ivan
.
He’s preaching the gospel of Douche. He’s set up his own Crystal Cathedral, he is actively marketing, consuming, and propagating the downfall and he is seeking to profit thereby. He sells bedazzled dog capes on his site. He owns and wears a cape. The others, exemplary disciples though they may be, do not approach the madness that is Sir Ivan. As I bite into this chicken sandwich we call life, Sir Ivan is a cold, plumed portion of fleshy chicken skin.
.
Unfortunately, like the 7th ring of hell, the formula is as follows: wretch, rinse, repeat.

3:07 pm September, 12 Brett Easton Douchis said...

Joey L and Kate for the monthly. They best represent the evil we wish to crush.
.
HOWEVER, Ivan wins the Irving G. Thalberg honorary dipshit award, for making generations of his predecessors wish his DNA had never been blended together and birthed.
.

4:31 pm September, 12 Douchble Helix said...

The projectile bleeding shooting out of my eyes was too intense for me to finish reading Sir Ivan’s website.
Where and when, exactly, was he knighted by the Queen of England?

4:36 pm September, 12 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Joey apparently flips the bird to the camera in EVERY PHOTO, which takes him over the top. Katie is Bleeth, but yummy bleeth. I’d tap it. She wouldn’t be invited to stay, but I’d tap it.

4:43 pm September, 12 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Allow me to be methodical here:
Joey and Kate – oh, dear kate. Despite those stupid belly tats and blue nail polish, you make me ultra-febrile and uber tumescent. But Joey…..honestly, son, you need to take a stroll on the part of the Tonopah test range where the A-10’s are practicing their napalm runs.
Douchecon 2 alert for Joey.
Wankus and Pearielle – Pear, honey, put some strawberries and whipped cream in place of your black ‘kini bottom, and my tongue will go to town. Wankus: you’re boringly douchey. Put on a purple wig and a Liberace jumpsuit and you’ll actually be more manly.
Douchecon 3 for Wankus.
Ivan and Wenches – Ivan, I salute you. To have tall, leggy, slurpalicious skanks in each arm with your age, height and fashion-challenged impediments is laudatory.
A mere Douchecon 5 for Ivan.
Chernobros – Sweet Jesus, save us from the Martian Orange Antichrist Twins! Spike/peaked hair stupid sunglasses diesel shorts orange skin undie reveal fake dogtags 20lb watch chin pubage BBBLLLLLAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
DOUCHECON 1 EMERGENCY!!!!!! DIVE FOR THE BOMB SHELTERS EVERYONE!!!!!! THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE DOUCHEPOCALYPSE ARE UNLEASHED, AND THE LIVING SHALL ENVY THE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

So, yeah, Chernobros get my vote.

5:20 pm September, 12 Bob Mcadouche said...

Joey Lumpcrust. Who spikes their hair to go to a pool? A pre-douchies vote for worst tattoo as well.

5:56 pm September, 12 Spmock said...

@Bret Easton Douchis, didn’t you used to be Andy C.?

7:05 pm September, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Joey and Kate FTW. How can you not give it to the guy who invented waterproof hair gel and tattooed on jesus bling? He’s the original wash-and-go douche. Kate is looking sultry despite being a full-on bottom feeding bleeth. Luv it.

7:05 pm September, 12 Brett Easton Douchis said...

Ha! My old Saturday Night Special hotmail account is obviously linked to my old avatar.
.
Hotmail had locked me out of my account recently, thus the move to Bret Easton Country. I just spent 10 minutes with the paddles rescusitating the account, and used it without thinking, in order to vote.
.
On beer nights, I’m Andy Capp. On cocaine and cosmo nights, I’m B.E.D. I can embrace my inner bitch, can’t I?

7:06 pm September, 12 Brett Easton Douchis said...

Why, yes, yes I can.

7:22 pm September, 12 Spmock said...

@Andy Easton, you do whatcha gotta do. It’s people like you that keep this place interesting.

7:58 pm September, 12 Stephanie said...

Chernobros & Cathy . I just want to diarrhea all over them,they’re disgusting,smug,turdy,& think they’re entitled.

8:32 pm September, 12 troy tempest said...

OK, so my vote goes to Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate, but the reasoning is important.

1. Wankus McHannibul and Pearielle fail because Pearielle is a prostitute. And we all know that there are 3 professions that get paid to touch your junk: 1. Doctors 2. Prostitutes and 3. The TSA. Since doctors and the TSA both wear blue gloves and prostitutes and the TSA are easily trained, and prostitutes and doctors make more in a day than you make in a month, that puts prostitutes in the realm of pr0n – something expensive tat you can’t touch. Unless you pay. a lot. So Pearielle is out of the competition and Wankus is pretty much a yahoo who never grew out of 4th grade.

2. Cathy is the Chernobro’s Mom, and the rest of that makes my mind hurt.

3. Sir Ivan is an oldbag, and while ther eis no forgiveness for douche signifiers, if you’re that old and pulling that kind of tail, you get a permanent pass.

so that leaves Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate, and I have a certain revulsion for a certain Kate, so to symbolically tie her to this douchenozzle is a Good Thing for my shattered sense of self worth.

8:47 pm September, 12 creature said...

Wankus McHannibul is a bloody stool!
ftw!

9:16 pm September, 12 Capt. James T. Douche said...

1) Joey Lumpcrustoowitz and Kate. Joey is a true douche through and through, once he gathers enough spare change from his bartending gig and gets those flames filled in his next tat will be “Douche Life” over his navel ala Tupac. Speaking of which he has a permafied a major douche symbol of over embellished Jesus bling around his neck… he is in this for the long haul. The fashion plate unabomber style blue blocker sunglasses, the pristinely spiked hair, a watch that might as well be Big Ben sitting on his wrist and the fact we can all probably smell the axe body spray from here. He flips the bird in every picture which is really his only means of emotional expression, which is not bad when you think about his level of awareness. His hopes and dreams lay in the fantasy that one day he will have the good fortune to ingratiate himself to a semi-known MMA fighter and be included in his entourage or get that assitant manager position at Golds Gym, whichever comes first. Whether Kate is a Bleeth or not (which she probably is) is actually irrelevant. With the level of douche aura this guy is putting off any girl is automatically turned into a Bleeth in his presence.

2) Chernobos look like they could be Unibrows (from an earlier post last week) nephews. They look like they are probably from some obscure former Soviet shit-hole in eastern Europe where the chief export is mail order brides and Yak spooge. They live high on the hog via thier father’s human trafficking busi… errr I mean import/export business. Cathy is desperately trying to hold it together but that poor aged silicon can only remain stable so long. She is definitely hiding some haggared ass crows feet under those oversized sunglasses and that warm orange radioactive glow is ohhh so sexy. Her skin has a half life of 5000 years.

3) Sir Ivan is the most pathetic old bag I have ever seen! When you have to flag girls down that are 1/3 your age with reams of $100 bills whilst pumping jet fuel into your cock and zip-tieing a popsickle stick to it so you get semi-hard enough just to fuck a bowl of pudding something has to give. Sit back, enjoy your fortune and worry about your latest hair transplant not taking!!

4) With Wankus it’s hard to say because I feel there is not enough data from the picture to make a clear judgement. Though this is not a pass by any means, pulling a face like that and wearing a leather tie and aviator sunglasses inside definitely puts him on the field and does not get him off the douch hook, just need a little more going on to make a clear assessment.

11:14 pm September, 12 Baron Von Goolo said...

Wankus is just another self-marinated party pud, the Chernobros are standard Euro’Bag fare and Sir Ivan, well, it’s iffy but we might be staring down the barrel of a bona fide parousia.
.
However, if I knew within a reasonable amount of certainty that the only way to avoid looking at Joey Lumpcrustowitz’s self-possessed mug for four more seconds was to wrap a coil of roofing nails around a rabid mandrill’s pink, bony pecker and allow the beast to socket-rape my eyes into a frothy paste, I’d swap my Visine for mandrill pheromone faster that you could say “Hey, why is that mandrill looking at me like thaaaaSWEETJEEZUSSFUCKKKK!!!!!!!”

12:16 am September, 13 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Sir Ivan. His asshole must be gross.

7:18 am September, 13 Hurl Scheibe said...

Joey and Kate, FTW. That guy is a turd in every sense of the word. And although some disparage Kate, I do not share their world view.

7:33 am September, 13 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

The grievous assault on my sensibilities by Wankus McHannibul got my attention, and the addition of a lusty young Ron Howard in the background almost made this a wiener. BUT, the Chernobros are over the top choadwankery. It will take more than a few Russian Mi-8 helicopters and a few thousand metric tons of wet concrete to contain the taint that is glowing on these (iso)dopes. And I think a couple of teen aged guys will be pretty skeeved to find out that their mom Cathy is bleething it up with this freak show duo.

2:28 pm September, 13 hatealldouches said...

First: Best site EVER! It has provided me hours and hours of entertainment, nausea and rage. First-time voter….

And the vote goes HANDS DOWN to the Chernobros and Cathy. Sure, it is Hot Chicks with Douchebags, and poor Cathy has seen better days, but the dual infusion of eurotrash, douchebaggery ‘tude from these asswipes is classic, tasteless and all that I hate. I want to punch those smug fucking looks right off their orange faces.

Kuddos to Capt. James T. Douche for the “mail order brides” and “human traffic” nods. Pretty much sums up those assclowns better than I ever could!

2:33 pm September, 13 justadouchalo said...

I haven’t voted in a while but there is nothing like a takedown demand to raise the level of taunt and ridicule. Though my head gives the nod to Lumpy and Kate, My heart says, “Fuck you, Sir Ivan. You are a disgrace to your parents.”

Sir Ivan and those two dudes ftw.

4:39 pm September, 13 douche equis said...

Strong group. I’m going with Joey and Kate for my usual reason — maximum “desire to punch in face” response.

4:52 pm September, 13 idfma said...

The Chernobros if only for the grill marks/pube lines on the face on the right. Yuck. She’s sexy even with the stretch marks.

5:36 pm September, 13 Guid is Good said...

Much as I would like to give it to Sir Ivan who gives old douches hope that they too might one day be fondling some Eastern European working girls on the incorrect visas, it’s gotta be Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate. The tattooed Jesus bling and chain. That’s raising the bar.

6:10 pm September, 13 higuys said...

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6:43 pm September, 13 Jeff said...

^I vote for cougar sugar momma boobs.

8:07 pm September, 13 iDouche said...

Fuck them all , but fuck Chernobros the mostlyest

9:22 am September, 14 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Joey and Kate for all the reasons already mentioned and because there may be hope for Kate if we can extract her from the Vegas cesspool of douche.

10:47 am September, 14 the douche is alright said...

joey and kate

11:30 am September, 14 jonezy said...

joey with a “whoa!” for Kate hottie. I’d kibble her bits.

11:34 am September, 14 Bueller said...

Wow. tough competition this month. Nobody jumps out at me as a clear winner as they each have their own douche traits that make them unique.

But since we don’t do ties, my vote is for Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate with a close second to Ivan.

12:26 pm September, 14 shawk said...

Sir Ivan.

12:34 pm September, 14 Anonymous said...

number 3 for sure, these are scroats to the nth degree.

1:56 pm September, 14 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

The Chernobros and Cathy

I have voted

3:18 pm September, 14 douchebagel said...

cherno brothers for the win, no contest.
25 years later and still vomit inducing.

2:23 am September, 15 Whoop-di-douche said...

Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate.
That’s enough douchey hottness for now.

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