Thursday, September 15, 2011

HCwDB of the Month: Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate

Barely edging the dual eurotrash power of the Chernobros and Cathy, the power of waterproof hair gel, middle-fingerdom and idiotic tatt, while clearly hooking up with the tasty hottapii that is Kate, was too much to overcome.

And don’t forget Joey Lumpcrustowitz Gives You the Finger.

Heinous vegas douchery.

All that this site was established to fight against.

The voters speak:

The Dude: I gotta give the nod (slap) to Joey Lumps and the arched-back Kate FTW. Lumpy is absolutely sure he made the right choices at the tattoo parlor, and for that, we’ll probably have to consider him once again in December.

FoghornLeghorn: Joey L. and Kate, for sure. I find myself imagining that she discarded her bikini bottom for this photo, and she is whispering my name in Joey’s ear.

DoucheyWallnuts: Joey Lumpcrustowitz, and his perfectly compatible bleeth ‘cuz he makes me hate. He exhibits each and every loathsome quality possible – do I really need to point them out? – and STDs ooze from his every pore.

Douchie Spellcheck: You can tell from the arch in her back that my aforesaid 12-inch-tounge has found Kate’s magic button. (“That tickles!” she coos.)

Vin Douchal: has to be for Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate FTW as he outsmugs the smuggest smugster that ever smugged his mealy way into our consciousness. You can’t unsee his horrible tatts nor the massive head trauma expression of a diaper wearing mental patient post-diaper filling.

Scrotation Marks: The fact that you were even able to scroll down after Joey and Kate means you are more a man than I. They define HCwDB and as such, get my vote. Two Scrote Marks up high.

Ted Brogan: Joey and Kate for sure. Pearielle is too leathery. Right Chernobro is wearing a plain t-shirt and Kathy is not what would be considered “hot.” Ivan, you put up a good fight. And your website definitely helped. But you are self-aware of your joke.

spmock: Joey and Kate make me want to do the Vulcan death pinch on myself. So yes, they win.

RAPETIME: May his twenty-pound watch drag him to the bottom of the pool, which will have to drained and sterilized afterwards. But it will all be worth it.

ehcuodouche: Joey is 100% American, Greater New York Borough doucheclown, who takes his two weeks off in between tuning up engines and bouncing other douchebags out of the club to take his special lady to Vegas for tanning poolside, gambling, shopping and spreading herpes.

Capt. James T. Douche: He flips the bird in every picture which is really his only means of emotional expression, which is not bad when you think about his level of awareness.

tall guy: Lumpcrustowitz must surely take the monthly. His semi-pursed lip/leer combo alone makes him a winner (loser), + Kate’s reworking of the term trailer trash makes her an ideal companion (bleeth) as the hick sidekick.

Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Joey apparently flips the bird to the camera in EVERY PHOTO, which takes him over the top. Katie is Bleeth, but yummy bleeth. I’d tap it. She wouldn’t be invited to stay, but I’d tap it.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: How bad do you wanna be a douche Joey? “So bad I can taste it bro!” What would you do to become the biggest douche in the world? the universe? “Anything man, ANYTHING man!”

Mandouchian Candidate: Joey for sure. The smugness and utter awareness of just what a rectalplug he is seals the deal, no pun intended.

Steve L.: of all the contestants, only Joey Lumpcrustowitz would claim to be a male model “just waiting for that gig” from Armani Exchange. and he would probably confuse many a hapless hotts with that line. just thinking about it results in cobalt radiation to the head.

Douchey Lewis and the News: Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate FTW! This guy sucks, and I bet he knows it.

army (ret) douche: I cast my vote for joey and kate the bling tat is incomprehensible with a side of retardation

Medusa Oblongata: Getting your own name tattooed on you = autoscrote. May God have little or no mercy on his soul, especially after that awful Jeebus bling tat.

Daggerbagger’: Would jeeus save him: no, but would jeebus pull the plug of this Vegas pool and send the Joester a spinnin’ down the watery abyss from whence he came?: I hope so.

Baron Von Goolo: if I knew within a reasonable amount of certainty that the only way to avoid looking at Joey Lumpcrustowitz’s self-possessed mug for four more seconds was to wrap a coil of roofing nails around a rabid mandrill’s pink, bony pecker and allow the beast to socket-rape my eyes into a frothy paste, I’d swap my Visine for mandrill pheromone faster that you could say “Hey, why is that mandrill looking at me like thaaaaSWEETJEEZUSSF#CKKKK!!!!!!!”

So many classic ‘bag hunters and huntress brought their A-Game to the thread, quality mock all around. However, the dual facial fung ridiculousness of The Chernobros gave Joey and Kate a run. And by run I mean I.B.S., clearly falling short due to lack of Cathy being A-level hott:

Jeet Kune Douche: Sweet Jesus, save us from the Martian Orange Antichrist Twins! Spike/peaked hair stupid sunglasses diesel shorts orange skin undie reveal fake dogtags 20lb watch chin pubage BBBLLLLLAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Choad The Douche Sprocket: Joey is all that we on this site love to hate… but come on… the pure, unabashed, cooler-than-you surliness of the Chernbros is truly inspirational. And by “inspirational” I mean they inspire all of us to vomit onto the furry front seat of the low-rider they arrived in. Chernbros and Cathy FTM

Douchble Helix: Try to picture Cathy’s life. 30 years ago, she was “it”. And had been for a ‘just right’ amount of time. Livin’ large. But that was 30 years ago. And she had no second act. So, she’s still out there, with these ‘bags. I give her credit for not being dead or all hagged out, but leather-skinned, blond and half-naked is no way to go through life, miss.

Colossus of Choads: The Chernobros. Simply for their undeserved, radiating ‘tude.

hatealldouches: the dual infusion of eurotrash, douchebaggery ‘tude from these asswipes is classic, tasteless and all that I hate. I want to punch those smug fucking looks right off their orange faces.

FirstTimeVoter: ChernoBros. They are disturbing. The one picture may not depict all that they are, if we ever got to see their full body of douche work…. we’d be impressed? Depressed?

Et Tu Douche?: I’m going with the The Chernobros and Cathy. I do believe the live up to HCwDB maxim. I still wanna believe she’s a milf if not she’s still pretty hott in a out of town for the weekend, drunken one night stand kinda way. Her pooch belly and subtle naturals calls to me and by calls to me I mean I bet she enjoys yogurt glazing.

Yogurt glazing is definitely listed on Cathy’s C.V., Et Tu Douche?. Good call. Coming in a solid third place, but with signifcant support, was the clownish oldbaggery of Sir Ivan and his two nieces, Ashley and Ananda:

Steve: Sir Ivan and his bleeths. Because he’s old, they’re young, and that’s life.

dbBen: As I bite into this chicken sandwich we call life, Sir Ivan is a cold, plumed portion of fleshy chicken skin.

Wedgie: #1 has the hottest hottie. But Ivan really deserves it, and he will have the best chance in the yearly. So my vote goes to the White Russian, #4. Das vedanya, Comrades.

The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Sir Ivan! La, la, la, la, la, kick to the head.

IRA Darth Aggie: Ashley and Ananda: FTW, and by win I mean “those dresses are short and that white one is wonderfully sheer”. And I got to support us old f#cks, so even tho I’d put my steel-toed boot in Sir Ivan’s ass and kick him to the curb, I’ll give him my vote of non-confidence.

Mr. White: Sir Ivan, because I celebrate that old Barry Manilow bag for making it through the rain. Also, his chicks are the only ones that don’t make Little Mr. White try to crawl inside my abdomen and hide. Although they probably should.

And in a sad fourth place finish in spite of the Pear quality, Pearielle and Wankus McHannibul, who probably lost on account of Paid-to-Douche probaggery.

Troy Tempest: Wankus McHannibul and Pearielle fail because Pearielle is a prostitute. And we all know that there are 3 professions that get paid to touch your junk: 1. Doctors 2. Prostitutes and 3. The TSA. Since doctors and the TSA both wear blue gloves and prostitutes and the TSA are easily trained, and prostitutes and doctors make more in a day than you make in a month, that puts prostitutes in the realm of pr0n – something expensive tat you can’t touch. Unless you pay. a lot. So Pearielle is out of the competition and Wankus is pretty much a yahoo who never grew out of 4th grade

Well said, Double T, they didn’t stand a chance. This was Crustowitz time. Lets let Douche Springsteen take us home:

50 years from now, when Joey has no hair to gel & spike up and his limbs are too weak to lift his arm while wearing a six pound watch and his last breath escapes his body at the hospital, an orderly is going to strip him down and place him in the morgue and see his tribal flames / Jesus bling tattoo and think “What a douchebag.” That will happen to no other competitor and that alone should be enough for him to take the monthly. Not to be overlooked is Kate, who may be a bleeth, but there is something to be said for an ample bosom straining against a bikini top.

That about sums it all up. Great to see all show up for a classic ‘bag thread mockathon. Chalk up the Crust and Cathy for the Yearly.

And now I eat Coco Puffs.

# posted by douchebag1
6:57 am September, 15 tall guy said...

A deserving winner (loser). And Kate’s boobies certainly are the business.

7:31 am September, 15 troy tempest said...

drinking a boiling bucket of puke would be preferable to spending one femtosecond in the presence of these two winners. And by winners, I mean losers, and by losers I mean societal fail by way of scat freeks.

7:36 am September, 15 Medusa Oblongata said...

Congratulations, Joey. And by ‘congratulations’ I mean ‘please jump ass-first onto the nearest wrought-iron ornamental fence, thanks’. As for you, Kate, well, sorry about your poor taste in men. You hang around me long enough, you won’t taste men at all.

7:42 am September, 15 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Joey, Joey, Joey… Way to raise the bar, champ! Now do the world a favor and go suck start a woodchipper.

7:56 am September, 15 Jeff said...

I hope I never get to the point where I have to tattoo my own name on my chest to remember who I am. And I’ve never had a problem with chicks needing a visual reminder to scream out my name. Brandon, if you’re interested I can help you with your game, son.

7:57 am September, 15 Scrotation Marks said...

I imagine what a 1980’s Joey would look like before he started roiding and I think of Max ‘we call him Mad Max’ from Weird Science fame. The kind of budding smug look of that eveolves into oure bagdome.

http://quixotando.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/weird-science-robert-downey-jr-robert-rusler.jpg

8:22 am September, 15 Hurl Scheibe said...

I wish Joey would excersize his Second Amendment remedies on himself.

10:20 am September, 15 Douche Springsteen said...

Oh Joey, I had a feeling we’d all be mocking you again come December.
And Medusa, can I have your sloppy seconds re: Kate?

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